I Love You to Death

"I’m not going to say it again Liam. Get. The. Fuck. Away. From. Her."

He does, but not before quickly moving towards me a little, a tiny threat to let me know he isn’t really backing down. It isn’t much, but it’s enough to make me flinch in response. It’s enough to make Luke step forward and grab Liam by the front of his shirt now. He’s face to face with Liam, as much as their height difference will allow. Luke’s face is a mask of fury, and the knuckles of his hand that grip the front of Liam’s shirt, turn white from the effort. His voice is low, almost like a growl as he says, "You ever ignore her when she tells you to fuck off again Liam and I won’t just walk away like I did last time. I won’t just fucking ignore it."

Luke is really pissed off now but I’m not frightened of him. If anything I’m surprised. Surprised that he’s reacting so strongly to this, that he’s even in here helping me at all. I’m still staring at Luke, who hasn’t looked at me once, when Liam slaps Luke’s hand out of the way, turns to me and says, "You are such a bitch," before walking out.

I don’t even register Liam leaving, I’m too busy watching Luke’s reaction to all this. I wonder what he’s doing, what he’s thinking. Luke turns to face me now and as soon as he sees me, his face instantly changes, softens.

"Are you okay?" he asks me, just like he always does.

I don’t say anything. I can only wonder how much he heard, how much he saw. What he really meant when he said he wouldn’t walk away like last time.

"Ash, are you okay?" he asks again quietly, taking a small, almost cautious step towards me. "Did he touch you, did he hurt you at all?"

I shake my head, still unable to say anything. He takes another step towards me, only concern on his face now, his hand reaching out to me, as though he wants to pull me into his arms. And that’s when it hits me. Suddenly and with force, like a hard punch in the gut that takes my breath away.

He cares.

He cares whether I’m okay. He was being protective, protecting me. Protecting me from Liam and it wasn’t the first time either. He’s acting like it matters how Liam talks to me, treats me. He’s acting like I matter, like I matter to him. As if I’m someone he cares about and needs to protect.

It reminds me of something, something so painful that it makes my heart twist, my insides churn and my head hurt. This can’t be happening. This can’t be happening. I can’t let this happen.

I hold up my hands, stopping him. I see his eyes fall and take in my now shaking hands.

"Ash, are you okay?" he asks me again, his voice urgent, concerned now.

I don’t say anything, only nod.

"You’re sure?" he asks, his eyes drawn, worry and something else now, all over his face. "Ash, please, talk to me, are you sure you’re okay?"

"Thank you Luke," is all I can say, lowering my eyes so I don’t have to look at him before quickly turning and walking out of the kitchen.

I can’t let this happen.

I hear him call out, "Ash?" but I don’t turn around. I keep walking and go back to work, determined to finish my shift and forget what I saw just then. This can’t be happening.

About five minutes later, Luke comes out, a staff beer from the stash we keep in the cold room in his hand. He silently hands it to me, his eyes watching my face as he does. As soon as I meet his stare, I look away. I still can’t look at him, especially now. "Thank you," I say quietly, taking the bottle from his hand, our fingers brushing before I quickly turn and walk away.

I don’t speak to or look at Luke for the rest of my shift. Liam and I avoid each other too, but that’s easy because I’m only angry at him. With Luke it’s something far different.

Thankfully Luke doesn’t try and talk to me again, but I do hear him on the phone, talking to someone, his voice slightly raised although I can’t make out what he’s saying. When he’s about to leave a few minutes later, Luke comes over to me first.

"Ash, do you want to go and get a drink or something?" he asks.

I look up at him, his face full of concern and so much more. But all I can see is everything that I can and will destroy. Everything that I could find and then lose. I can’t do this again. I just can’t go through it all again.

"Just a drink?" he continues. "Nothing more, we don’t have to talk about anything that happened earlier."

I look down at the counter. See my hands as they clench the now empty beer bottle, my fingers turning white. I shake my head. "No," I say, my voice flat. "I can’t, I just can’t Luke," before turning and walking away.

I hear him call out my name again, but I don’t look back. He follows me into the staff room out the back, where there is no one else but us.

"Ash," he says to me, softly this time.

I’m reaching into my locker for my bag and don’t turn around. "Please go Luke. Please." My voice sounds strange, flat.

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