Hard to Hold On

chapter Eighteen



Nolan



I don’t think I’ve ever been at a loss for words to see someone. Ever. Seeing Natalie stand before me and looking at me as if I’m a murderer makes me want to do nothing but shut up. What is she thinking? What does she think about seeing me here? Perhaps Mills was right. He really needs to stay the hell out of my head.

As I call her “Bunny”, her cheeks burn a bright red and that gives me a little satisfaction. At least I can still make her feel something. I step out of the elevator but she takes a few steps back to keep the distance.

“Nolan,” she says, forcing a smile. “W-what are you doing here?”

“I’m back in Miami . . . for good, Natalie.”

Gulping, she looks me over, confusing me on whether she’s enjoying the sight of me or disliking it. Maybe there’s a mix of feelings. I wouldn’t be so happy to see someone like me, either, after what I’d said to her before she left California. “So where you headed off to?” I ask, aiming to lighten the mood.

“I have class,” she replies quickly. “At 2:45 actually so I should get going.”

“Natalie.” I shake my head, lowering my gaze to look at the floor. After a second, I look up at her and her brown eyes watch me, confused. “Look, we have to talk about this.”

“Not right now, Nolan.” She steps around me and presses the button on the elevator but as it opens, I grab her arm. “Nolan, get off of me. I have class and I can’t be late.”

“It won’t kill you. What’s more important right now? Our relationship or one class you can easily catch up on?” I raise a brow, waiting on her response.

“We don’t have a relationship anymore, Nolan.”

My grip slips from around her arm. I blink quickly as the world seems to crash around me. “W-what is that supposed to mean exactly? That we’re done? You haven’t even given me a chance explain myself to you, Natalie!”

“I don’t need you to explain anything to me, Nolan!” she snaps. “I don’t need shit from you anymore. You said it clearly enough in California. You’ve stated more than enough by being around an ex . . . I—I just can’t do it. I can’t be with someone that can’t remain faithful. I’m tired of being hurt, Nolan. I’m tired of lying to myself just to remain happy.”

“I never cheated on you, Natalie—”

“Then who is Sharon?” She folds her arms with her book tucked beneath her arm. “Why are you hanging around your ex?”

“She’s just that, Natalie. My ex. She was helping me move the stuff out of the house.” My head shakes as I step towards her. Her breath hitches as I pull her in by her waist with one hand, bringing the other up to cup her cheek. Her warm skin feels good against mine. Her vanilla scent smells fresh and rich. “Natalie, I love you, alright. I’m sorry for making you run away from me. I’m sorry for arguing with you and taking my anger out on you but I swear I didn’t mean. It’s been hard for me, trust me, but I came back to tell you everything. I miss you so much. I need you more than anything right now.”

“Nolan—” She breaks off, her head lowering to hide her glistening eyes. Silence seizes the atmosphere and I wait for a response as I hold onto her, never wanting to let go. “Nolan, I’m sorry but I don’t know if this is going to work between us. I don’t think we should—”

I frown, placing my finger against her lips before she can finish her sentence. “No. I’m coming back tonight and we’re talking. Don’t tell me we’re done because we’re not. We’re not going to end this. It’s an obstacle, Bunny. It’s nothing we can’t overcome.”

Pressing her lips, she stares at me before pulling away and folding her fingers. She then presses the elevator button once more before turning around and looking at me. The doors slide open and she steps in but her eyes never leave mine. Before the doors can shut, she says, “I can’t do this right now, Nolan.”

“Natalie!” The silver doors slide shut and I press the button a million times to try and get it open but it doesn’t. I bang against it, kick it, and even grunt a few times but it’s completely pointless. Damn it! Mills was right. What the f*ck is making her want to leave me so badly? Does she really think I’ve cheated on her?

A million thoughts come to mind but the main one is knowing she’s single and anyone can get to her. Knowing we officially aren’t together is tearing me apart, but f*ck it. I don’t have time for the games. I don’t have time to deal with someone who no longer wants me . . . someone who doesn’t trust me. I’ve done all of this shit for her—I packed up and sold my mom’s f*cking house for her—and this is how she treats me?

I should have known this love shit wasn’t for me. I should have kept it in the past where it belongs because all it does is hurt me. I’m sick of trying. I fall, and then I’m broken? I’m faithful, but then I get hurt? That’s not how it’s supposed to go. That’s not what I signed up for. Why the hell can’t I just find peace for once in my miserable life?