Hard to Hold On

chapter Fifteen



Natalie



After Harper and I went shopping, got dressed, did our hair, and applied some makeup, we’re finally on our way to the party. I decided to go with a sky-blue spaghetti-strapped dress with silver sandals and silver accessories to match. Harp went for a peach colored dress that reveals a little too much cleavage and skin but it works well against her tan complexion.

Before we even reach the house, I hear the bass of the music thumping. I swallow the nervous lump in my throat as Harper pulls up to the house that’s swarmed with cars around it. There has to be over fifty people here already and we’re early. That’s really saying something. “Holy shit!” Harper says as she parks the car and turns it off.

A girl screams from the shore and we both look to see she’s being tossed into the water by a guy. I expect her to get out and wail on him but instead she giggles while tugging her wet dress down. Yeah, she’s obviously wasted. “This is going to be fun,” Harper says then jumps out of the car. I get out slowly, shut my door behind me, and then look ahead at the lake house. It’s made of large wooden logs and is lit with sidelights. It’s a two-story home and I can tell it’s pretty pricey by its foundation and how well-kept it is.

“There’s one thing I need to say to you before we go in,” Harper says, running over to me. “Have fun. F*ck Nolan. He’s a dick. Get what you came for, which is to have fun. We aren’t here to wallow and whatever you do, don’t bring him up during a conversation. Just be free for once. You deserve it.”

I nod as I look her straight in the eyes. She then grabs my hand and rushes through the gaps of the cars to get to the door. We pass a few couples making out heavily on the stoop and even on the porch. Some don’t even notice we’re passing by because they’re so trapped in their make-out session.

Without hesitation, Harper grabs the door knob and pushes the door open and various colored rave lights flicker across our face. I shut the door behind us in complete awe as I stare around at each person dancing, drinking, or practically f*cking against the wall. At the sight of them I shudder but I can’t help but to get into the rhythm of the beat that’s a remix of a Rihanna song and a techno beat.

“This is freaking amazing!” Harper squeals in my ear as she grips my hand. “Let’s go get some drinks before you run into Tyler.”

She rushes for the kitchen and as soon as we’re in I see a few guys around a keg. One of the boys is being held upside down as he drinks from it while the other guys are yelling “Chug, chug, chug!” The guy being held upside continues to drink until they finally let him down. As soon as he’s down, he stumbles, grinning like an idiot. He can’t be any older than seventeen but he sure is having the time of his life.

Harper steps around the counter and I follow her to the bottle of vodka. She squirms through a few people to grab some spare plastic cups and pours some vodka into each one. “Drink it all,” she says, shoving the cup into my hands. “I don’t want to be a bad influence or anything but we’ve got to loosen you up.”

I decide to take her advice. I don’t want to think at all. I just want to live in the moment. I’m starting to realize that thinking is going to continue to get me hurt. It’s time to be a nineteen-year-old Natalie for once and not give a damn about anything but myself. That’s how it’s supposed to be. After figuring out I may have been cheated on twice, I really need to rid my mind of it. I really need to just wing it.

I take a huge gulp of the vodka and it burns my throat but I force it down. I take another and Harper cheers as she watches me. “My turn!” she says then swallows her whole drink down in a snap.

My eyes broaden as I laugh at her. She pours another cup and I cheer her on as she gulps it. “Go Harp!”

A boy beside her with dark hair and heavy eyelids joins in and pumps his fist in the air as he watches her. “Holy shit, dude,” he says to the guy beside him. “Look. This girl is a f*cking pro.”

The guy beside him turns around but my heart pauses, realizing this certain guy is Tyler. He has on a tight white T-shirt and his hair is gelled to perfection. He looks amazing but I force myself to keep calm. His eyes meet mine after he’s watched Harper swallow down her second cup and then he steps around the counter. With each stride he takes towards me, my heart thumps and I feel the center of my legs tighten. Why am I getting so thrilled to see him coming my way?

“I really didn’t think you could get any hotter,” he says in my ear, placing a hand on my waist. My cheeks heat as I look up into his eyes that are flickering beneath the fluorescent lights. “Glad you joined me tonight.”

“I’m glad you invited me.”

He chuckles. “I see you’ve welcomed yourself. Would you like another?” His hand points towards the bottle of vodka. I look with him but notice Harper has disappeared.

“Sure,” I nod as he grabs it. He fills my cup halfway then hands it to me with a warm, sexy smile.

“By the way, the people here can get a little crazy. You shouldn’t take drinks from anyone you don’t know. Don’t need you getting too f*cked up, you know?”

Giggling, I nod my head, my hair shaking against my shoulders. Tyler reaches a hand up to brush it across my cheek and then tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear. My breathing stifles and my giggling comes to a halt as I watch his gaze linger on mine before drifting down to my breasts and then my legs. To distract myself from naughty thoughts, I gulp my drink down and ignore the burning that comes along with it.

“Slow down, tigress,” he teases, taking the cup away from me. “Let’s go dance. You seem like you might be good at that.”

“Yeah,” I breathe, licking my lips.

Tyler grabs my hand and makes his way through the crowded kitchen. He pushes through the crowd in the living room and sweat fills my lungs along with the thick scent of cigarettes and even marijuana. Hooking an arm around my waist, Tyler spins me around and my hips brush against his groin. I hear him growl deeply against my ear and I shudder delightfully from both the feel of him against me and the pleasure I know he’s feeling.

For a moment, it seems as if no one else in the room matters. The alcohol is coursing through my system and I could care less about anything else that may be happening outside of my sexy groove. I can feel eyes on us—some envious and some excited—but all of it is a complete blur.

My hips continue to move and Tyler groans again. His fingers curl around my waist as he moves with me. I allow the back of my head to fall against his shoulder and his lips touch my neck. It’s a huge turn on and I quiver as he does it again. His lips trail from my neck to the lobe of my ear and I grip his white T-shirt a little too tightly.

“You are so damn sexy, Natalie,” he mumbles into my ear, his voice deep, husky, and sending a spiral of heat to shoot from my throat and bolt right down to the center of my legs.

In an instant, I’m facing Tyler whose flickering hazel eyes have darkened and pooled with lust. He grips my waist tightly with one hand, his other hand moving down to my ass. My forehead falls against his chest and I breathe his spicy cologne in. “Follow me?” he asks, grabbing my hand and tilting my chin up so I can look at him.

I nod recklessly and he spins around quickly to make his way towards the staircase. I try to keep up but a few giggles burst out of me. I’m beyond excited to do this. I’ve never felt so free in my life . . . well except on the first night I’d met Nolan.

As we clamber up the stairs, that’s when it hits me. That’s when I realize why I’m doing this. The only reason I told Tyler yes in the first place is to get rid of any thoughts of Nolan. I can’t lie and say it isn’t working because it is and I’m glad about it.

Tyler comes to a stop in front of one of the doors and steps in. He flips the light switch on and for some reason it seems as if the music has followed us upstairs. It’s that damn loud. I take in the made up king-sized bed against the wall that’s covered with a gold sheet and comforter along with gold and white pillows. The curtains in front of the windows are gold as well and the carpet is a soft white.

Before I can allow myself to think, Tyler pushes against me and his lips find mine. I groan deeply as he does and his hands move from my waist to my breasts. He cups them and his lips fall down to my neck. My head tilts to the side, wanting to feel it all. The back of my legs bump against the bed and I fall quickly but he climbs on top of me.

“You really are something,” he mumbles against my ear. He kisses me again but this time there is an addition of velvety tongue. He starts to rub against me and there’s no doubt heat and moisture is building up and trickling to my panties. He brings a hand down to slide one of his fingers beneath my lacey panties and I groan as he begins to rub the sensitive flesh between my legs.

“So wet,” he murmurs. He brings his head up to look down at me. “I swear if I didn’t have morals I would f*ck you right here. Right now.”

Licking my lips, I ignore all he’s said and pull him against me. I refuse for this night to turn awkward like it did during my first night with Nolan. I want to continue this feeling of being free. “Forget the morals,” I whisper, kissing his neck. I flip him over and he grunts but he doesn’t move as I climb on top of him. His lust-filled eyes watch as my fingers crawl beneath his shirt.

“You just got out of a relationship, right?” he asks.

“Yes.”

“So, what’s your rush? I thought you liked taking things slow and easy.”

“I’ve learned that taking it easy gets you hurt. I’m tired of being hurt—can we just do this? Isn’t this what you want? A quick and carefree ride with me?”

“You think I’d put in all that time at school for a quick and carefree ride? Ask anyone around here about how I am,” he says, sitting up on his elbows and causing me to adjust on top of him. “I don’t come onto girls unless I really want her. I want you.”

“Why?” I giggle. “What’s there to want?”

“You’re f*cking hot, for one,” he says, revealing one of those hot-as-hell smiles. “And two, adorable.” He grips my upper arms and switches roles. I land on my back gently and he stares down at me. “Your personality is unique.” He plants a kiss on the crook of my neck and I groan, my legs stiffening. “I could make this a one-night thing but . . .” He brings his head down to kiss the other side of my neck and my legs squeeze around him. He begins to rub between my legs again and I moan against his lips that have just touched mine. “. . . what would be the fun in that? I’d love to have more than one night with you.”

“You men really are delusional,” I quip, thinking of Nolan. “You all use the same pick-up lines.”

“So you’re comparing me to other men now?” he teases, licking his lips as they hover above mine. His silky tongue runs over his plush lips before disappearing into his mouth again.

“No.”

“I think you are. Let me prove to you that I’m more than these other guys.”

“How?” I breathe.

Smirking, he brings his face down and his lips crush mine. One of his hands grabs my ass while the other cups my face to make the kiss as strong as possible. He rubs up and down between my legs again and the heat continues to build. “Do you remember that movie date I mentioned to you before?”

“Yes.”

“How about it? Next week, after one of our classes?”

“Hmm . . .” I push on my elbows while looking into his eyes. My head swims from the sudden movement but I laugh it off as I push against his chest. Stumbling off the bed, I turn to look at Tyler who is watching me with yearning, hungry eyes. “I don’t think dating is for me right now.”

“Why not?”

“I’m—it’s just not for me.”

His head tilts as he smiles softly. “Okay. Okay.” He hops to his feet and pulls me in by my waist again. I look up into his eyes that are glazed over with complete lust. “We won’t date. I’ll just take you out or something. I won’t consider the full benefit but I do want you to have fun with me. I won’t ask you to go out with me every night but I will keep in contact. I don’t want to push you away too much. I realize we both have lives and settling is the last thing you want to do after breaking it off with someone. We’ll just kick it.” He winks with a charismatic smile. “How does that sound?”

“That sounds great,” I grin.

“Good,” he sighs, running his fingers through his gold locks. “But let me do this one more time before we head down stairs. I don’t want them f*cking up my house.”

I yelp as Tyler picks me up and steps towards the nearest wall. My back bumps against it and he swallows my moan as his lips continue to press against mine. Our tongues twirl and dive and the velvety textures collide as I cling onto his shirt. I can feel his arousal through his dark jeans which causes me to boil inside even more. Damn it. Why do I want this so badly?

Just as Tyler pulls his lips away and licks them, I look down at him and Nolan comes to mind. I hate how being with Tyler makes me realize Nolan and I were more. If I could, I would make Tyler trade places with Nolan. I just hate what he’s done to me. I can’t figure out why he did it. Tyler spots the worry behind my eyes and places me back down. He fixes his lips to speak but I shake my head and grab his hand.

“About that party?” I raise an eyebrow, avoiding discussion.

He chuckles, adjusting his T-shirt and jeans. “Let’s go enjoy the rest of our night, shall we?”

Giggling, I follow after him and we head downstairs for the party. The rest of the night is fun and I’m having a blast . . . but I can’t completely block my mind from him. I know this party is just a way to rid my mind of what’s really going on between Nolan and I but there’s no denying how hurt I am and no matter how many drinks I take, none of them can ease the pain. They help me forget for a little while but none of them are helping me cope with the fact that he may actually be with another girl in California. No part of me wants to believe he’s actually done this to me when he had promised me so many times he wouldn’t hurt me.

I put so much trust into Nolan that I feel stupid. Nolan is almost too good to be true and to think he may have actually wanted to settle with me for the rest of his life makes me feel even dumber because I knew from day one he wasn’t the kind of guy who remained devoted to relationships. I knew from day one he had plenty of tricks up his sleeves but I wanted to give him a chance. I wanted to be wanted by someone. I wanted real love. I enjoyed the time we’d spent together because it was real—we were real and there’s no denying it.

I love him and I know for sure he loves me, too, but what made him want to do it? What did I do? What got in between us?

****

After about four hours of partying our asses off and sobering down, Harp and I are finally ready to go.

“Natalie?” Tyler calls from the front door. I turn to look over my shoulder as he steps past a few people to get to me.

“I’ll meet you at the car, Harp,” I tell her.

“Great, but you’re driving.” She presses the back of her hand against her forehead and stumbles away. I turn slowly to look at Tyler who is only a few steps away now. “So, did you have fun tonight?” he asks.

“I did,” I say, smiling.

“Great. And I was right.”

I frown curiously. “About what?”

“About how ‘happy’ looks good on you. You’re too cute to be down.”

I pull my lower lip in and nibble on it to suppress a smile. “I’ll see you on Monday.”

“Yeah—hey, how about we hook up on Tuesday and study since we have that test on Wednesday. I can tell you like English and although I write the notes down, nothing really makes sense to me. I’m not really a “words” person.”

“Are you trying to spend more time with me?” I tease.

Chuckling, he runs a hand through his hair. “Ah, you got me.”

“Well,” I sigh, pulling my hair back. “That sounds great. I’d love to. I’ll give you a call sometime tomorrow.”

Licking his bottom lip, Tyler looks me over a few times before finally stepping in and placing those plush lips against mine. “Don’t drive me crazy,” he murmurs against my lips. Our breathing picks up and my stomach coils. “Don’t make me wait.”

I grin. “I’m sure you’ll be fine.”

Smiling, he takes a step back and slides his fingertips into his back pockets. “Well, I’ve got a house to clean. I had fun tonight. Can’t wait to see you again.” He gives me a wink then takes gradual steps backward. “Goodnight, Natalie.”

Biting on a smile, I take a step back as well before spinning around. “Goodnight, Tyler.” He chuckles once more as I stroll away. I force myself to keep looking ahead but of course I give in and take a peek over my shoulder. He’s now standing on the porch and watching me, his fingers still tucked away in his back pockets. My cheeks burn but I toss a wave to play it off and hurry for the driver’s seat of Harper’s blue Mercedes.

As I duck in and shut the door behind me, I’m still smiling. Why the hell am I smiling so hard? I turn to look at Harper whose head is pressed against the window, her mouth hanging open. She’s completely out of it and I’m partially relieved she’s sleeping because if she could see the goofy grin on my face, she would consider me a fool. She would know that I’ve enjoyed my night with Tyler a little more than planned.

I was supposed to come here, have a blast, and hang with Tyler with no feelings involved. That was my plan but of course it’s backfired and now he wants to spend more time with me. I guess I can’t deny it. I want to spend another day with him, too—just to get rid of the burden I’ve been carrying. He really seems like he doesn’t want more. Just a casual fling and I can accept that. I can’t afford the “more” option right now.

Cranking the car, I put it in drive and roll away from the lake house but in my mind, I’m eagerly awaiting for class on Monday and even for our “study session” on Tuesday.

My phone buzzes in the cup holder and I grab it as I approach a red light. At the sight of Nolan’s name, I swallow heavily.

Nolan: We need to talk now, Natalie. Stop ignoring me.

I scowl at the screen. How in the hell am I supposed to stop ignoring someone that’s been seeing someone else behind my back—an ex at that. If I do respond to him I’ll explode but I don’t want that for him. I don’t want him to think I feel anything because I don’t want to. I hate that I still care but I have to let it go. I don’t want to put myself through the pain again because I deserve happiness. I deserve to smile for once in my damn life.

Instead of responding, I turn my phone off and breathe through my nostrils to relax myself. The light flashes green and I hurry to the condo before I end up turning the phone back on and doing something I know I’ll regret in the future.

I can’t take him back. I can’t give into him. I have to realize it’s who he is and it’s who he always will be. If he wants the change, he has to make it himself. I can no longer help with that.