Hard to Hold On

chapter Twelve



Nolan



“Why the hell isn’t she answering?” I slur, sitting on the edge of the couch.

Shrugging, Mills slumps down beside me. “Don’t know. She probably doesn’t want to be with your wallowing ass anymore.”

I look at him quickly, scowling. “Yeah right. She loves me too much.”

“Sometimes you have to set the ones you love free.” He grabs his bottle of beer from the table and takes a swig. “Not saying she’s too good for you. I just feel bad for her. I feel bad for you for letting her go. Now you’re miserable.”

“I know,” I groan as I sit forward. “I feel like shit.” I take another swig of what is probably my fourth bottle of beer. I sit on Mills’s words and then terrible thoughts come to mind. What if she called to break it off? What if she keeps calling because she wants to explain why we won’t work out? “Holy shit,” I mutter, standing. I rush outside and dial her number again. I pace back and forth on the front lawn, waiting for her to pick up but of course it goes to voicemail once again. Instead of hanging up I wait for the beep.

“Damn it, Natalie. Pick up your f*cking phone. Are you trying to confuse me? I don’t understand why you’ve been ignoring me and if you’re calling because you want to end what we have, then don’t. I’m not giving up on us. I’m not letting our relationship come to end. I’ve worked too damn hard in keeping this going before and I refuse to let it go now. I refuse to be a part of your past.” I sigh heavily and that’s when I realize that I’m actually crying. Damn it, I hate crying but it always seems to happen when I’m drunk and at my most vulnerable. But right now I don’t give a f*ck. I want her to know how I feel. “I just . . . I love you too f*cking much, Natalie. I miss you,” I continue. “I’m sorry . . . I’m so sorry. Just please stop ignoring me. Please don’t let this go.”

Eventually, I run out of stuff to say and hang up. I take a few steps backwards until I’m on the porch. I sink down into one of the wooden rocking chairs and stare ahead at the empty street. The streetlight to my right is blinking and a stray cat is resting at the end of our driveway but it’s all a blur. I’m so f*cking stupid for letting her go. Maybe she’s teaching me a lesson. If she is I’ve learned already and I won’t do it again. I want this grief to be over with already.

A crazy thought then comes to mind. Pulling my lips in, I bite on them until it hurts. I stand, tuck my phone into my back pocket, and then rush for the door. I barge in and Mills flinches on the sofa, his sleepy eyes meeting mine. “Mills, we have to go back soon—next week, maybe. I can’t deal with this shit anymore.”

His eyes widen before he frowns. “Next week? Are you f*cking crazy? We can’t sell this house that damn fast.”

“We’ll come back if we have to,” I say. “I swear. We can deal with it after I settle this shit with Natalie. I . . . I just can’t deal with this anymore. I have to tell her I’m sorry face-to-face. It’s the only way she’ll really hear me out.”

He looks me over several times before finally sighing. “You really love this girl? You really want her back?”

“More than you think.”

“I can see that.” Standing, he runs his palms across his jeans and then stretches. “Alright. Next week it is. You know we’re already tight on money so first round of bills are on you when we get back to Miami.” He looks me over again before narrowing his eyes, his smile fading. “I’m telling you right now if we’re rushing to get over there for nothing, I’m beating your ass. You better have her back in your arms before this month is over.”

“I will.”

“I’m not joking, Nolan,” he scolds. Right after, he smirks. “Plus I’m only doing it because I miss my girl and I could use some of her right now.” He stumbles his way towards his room with a hearty laugh. His door shuts and I smile, realizing this is the breakthrough I need.

I’m getting her back.