Hard to Hold On

chapter Nine



Natalie



It’s been a week since I’ve left California. In between that week were tears, sorrow, and pain. It hurts so much and I’ve wanted to call him back so badly but I held off. I knew better. He wants his space so I’m giving it to him. Plus, all of the voicemails he left, he sounded drunk in them. I knew he wasn’t in his right state of mind which makes it worse. I didn’t want to talk to him while he was intoxicated. And although I feel like running away wasn’t the easiest thing to do, it felt like the best thing to do. He wanted time alone but that left me with other thoughts as well.

What made him fall in love with me? What made me fall in love with him? I had fallen in love with him and didn’t even realize how bad we were. We lacked a lot in our relationship and it’s hard to look over now.

Communication was one of the main things. There was a point when I never wanted to tell Nolan anything. I told him about my situation with Bryson. How I had confronted him at the coffee shop and asked him why he had really cheated on me. He wasn’t as upset about it as I thought he would be but he was bothered that I didn’t tell him until a few weeks after it’d happened.

Turning onto my back, I stare up at the ceiling and watch as the dots spin around me. Through the speakers of the living room, Kelly Clarkson is singing about her “dark side” and it’s really making me wonder if I’m experiencing Nolan’s dark side. I love him regardless of his dark side and I suppose I’m experiencing it since I’ve never seen him as mad as he was last week. Hopefully he’s calmed down by now. He’s been calling so maybe it’s finally time give him a call back.

As I sit up, I think maybe it’s not the brightest idea. I want to figure out what it is about him that made me fall so hard before we actually try and move forward. Lust and love can get confused so easily and I’m hoping that’s not what I’ve fallen for. But I think about him constantly. It isn’t just about the looks or the sex. He has his flaws I tried to run away from but for some reason I trusted him enough to go through with more.

I have class today so instead of continuing my mope I push out of bed and hurry for a quick shower. After showering, getting dressed, and tossing my hair into a tight pony-tail, I grab my satchel bag and my keys and head out. Harper, my roommate and best friend, is in the kitchen with a bagel in her hand as I step in.

“Well, good morning. You seem . . . alive,” she says, grabbing the cream cheese out of the fridge.

“Ah, well,” I sigh, stepping around her to get to the fruit basket. “It could be worse.” I pick through the fruit but as reoccurring thoughts of Nolan circle my mind, my stomach rolls over and I turn around because eating probably isn’t best right now.

“I could hear you thinking about him from out here,” she giggles.

“I miss him a lot.”

“Then pick up his damn calls, idiot.” She splits her bagel then spreads cream cheese onto each slice. “Maybe he thought about it and knows he’s f*cked up.”

“It’s just weird,” I mutter, my back pressing against the edge of the counter. “I didn’t tell you this, but he asked me why I loved him—and the sad part about it was I didn’t have a real response. The first thing I wanted to say was because you make me happy—because you complete me—but anyone can make a person happy. That’s a terrible reason.”

Harper bites into her bagel as she hops onto the counter. Her feet dangle as she stares at me with slightly wide eyes. “So . . . what is this supposed to mean?” she asks.

“It means I need to think about it before I call him back. I need to know what made me fall for him in the first place. I need a real reason otherwise I’ll feel like maybe he was right about us.”

“What’s wrong with being in love because you know you are?”

“That’s what I asked him!” I groan heavily then sigh, clutching my keys and stepping past Harper. “I have class today. I’ll be back in a few hours and we can talk a bit more.”

“Great,” she says, finishing the first half of her bagel. “Because we really need to get the hell out of this house tonight. Dawson is in Tampa with his cousins so I thought we could go out to eat or something? We really have a lot to talk about. I don’t know if you heard me on the phone last night, but Dawson and I haven’t been on good terms lately.”

My eyes stretch. “What? Why not?”

“Because . . . we just haven’t. I don’t know. I’m so confused with him and I’m kind of glad that he took a trip to Tampa. I needed some time to myself to think. This whole commitment thing just feels so . . . I don’t know . . . blah!” She nibbles at her bottom lip and right now I just want to drop my keys, drag her to the sofa, and have her tell me everything but I have my most important class today, English, and the professor is talking about Edgar Allen Poe. I don’t want to miss this lesson.

“Well then we are definitely going out for some girl time. We’ll go out to eat so be ready to tell me everything.”

“I will,” she sighs, tucking a few strands of blonde hair behind her ear.

Nodding, I turn around and hurry for the door. I’m glad Harp wants to get out and I’m glad I have her to talk to. Maybe she can help me see clearly. I feel as if I’ve been so blinded by love that I don’t know the real reason behind it. I loved Bryson because he made me feel better about myself (the first two years while we were dating) and because . . . well he was my first love.

With Nolan, it just seems so different. I won’t say that it’s wrong because it’s far from that. It felt right with Nolan and I loved it so much. I got so caught up in him that I didn’t even realize that I was falling in love with him. The day at the airport when he had to leave for California, half of me was walking away. My heart is with Nolan but what made me give it to him? What made me fall?

“Damn it,” I hiss, pulling the door of my car open and hopping inside. Why is this shit so complicating?

****

Professor Doran is already giving his lecture as I step into the classroom. Tucking my notebook beneath my arm, I rush for the middle aisle and take my regular seat near the window. A few people look my way, as if they’re just now noticing I’m in their class but I focus my gaze on my notebook and flip to a blank page. I dig for a pen out of my satchel bag but just as I’m about to write the objective of our class for the day, a broad body comes into view and sits in the chair right beside me. I look towards the stranger who has a smile on his lips but as I look at him, my eyes remain glued to his.

He has the softest hazel eyes I’ve ever seen. His lips are still hinting with a smile and the features of his face are structured and chiseled to perfection with a soft edge. His hair is purposely mussed, a gentle, dirty blonde (something I usually don’t go for in a guy but with him I would totally make an exception) and he has some minor facial hair above and below his lips. I swallow as my eyes fall down to the tight blue T-shirt he’s wearing and then down to his dark-wash Levi jeans. Somehow, I finally find the will to tear my gaze away and look around the room. There are plenty of open seats. There is only twenty people max in this class and we could each have our own table, but he decides to sit next to me?

I turn to look at him again and he smiles down at me, his hazel eyes sparkling from the splash of sunlight coming in through the window beside me.

“I hope it’s alright to sit here,” he says, his voice deep and somewhat hypnotic. He has a bedroom voice. A voice a girl would love to hear while she’s getting banged. I drop the thought and turn ahead with a nod, gripping my pen.

“I guess it’s alright.”

“You guess?” he asks. I can hear the smile in his voice.

“Yeah—well I mean there are just a bunch more empty seats in this room. I’m not sure why you chose to sit next to me.”

He chuckles softly and I watch as he looks from me to the professor. “You’re a bit blunter than I thought you would be.”

“Rough morning,” I reply.

He digs into his pocket for a pen and opens the blue notebook in front of him. He looks forward at our professor who is so enthused about Edgar that I wouldn’t be surprised if he was Edgar Allan Poe himself. “I see you around here a lot,” the guy beside me says. “I’ve always wanted to know what it would be like to know you—and I’m not being weird. Just honest.” He jots something quick down then looks at me, another smile hinting on those soft pink lips.

“Why?” I ask, frowning.

“I don’t know. I always see you come into class either late or extremely early. You pay no attention to anyone else, you just listen to Professor Doran teach. You write so many notes that you don’t even realize I actually enjoy watching you from back there.” He points his pen backwards and I glance over my shoulder, only to see there is an empty table.

I narrow my eyes at him before brushing it off and writing a few more things Professor Doran has written on the whiteboard. He might’ve just hit the creeper line with that one.

“Am I coming on too strongly?” he asks. As I look at him, he’s smiling . . . again!

“Very strongly.”

“You like to take things slowly, I see.”

“Apparently not,” I sigh, leaning against my seat, “because the guy I date just told me we’ve rushed our relationship and now we’re on a slight “pause”.”

The guy’s eyes thin out and his lips press. His jaw ticks as he drums his fingers on top of the table but he never looks away from me. “Your boyfriend is an idiot for taking a slight “pause”,” he says, making quotation marks with his fingers, “because you are one a guy should never set free. You’re way too beautiful.”

I smile at his compliment. “Who are you?” I ask, giggling.

He lightens up and a charming smile spreads across his lips. “Tyler. Tyler Stokes.” He stretches his arm out, reaching his hand towards me and I shake it.

“Natalie Carmichael.”

“I knew your name would be just as remarkable as you are.” Smiling, the fire rushes to my cheeks. I blink quickly before grabbing my pen again to doodle on the edges. “Would it be wrong to ask you out for a bite to eat and a movie?” he asks.

“Very wrong,” I say, pressing my lips.

“Why?” he urges. “You’re on a pause. Why not make the break worthwhile?”

I think on his statement before shaking my head. “We’re on a pause but we can always press play at any time.”

“I hear what you’re saying.” He then leans back in his seat, picking his pen up. I watch him bite on the cap for a few minutes before finally sighing and watching Professor Doran flap his arms in the air as if he’s a raven.

This Tyler guy. I have to admit he’s hot and he’s in close comparison to Nolan but he seems too interested and I don’t need that. I have enough worries of my own. I’m not one who’s up for jumping from guy to guy but then again Nolan and I are on a break. Technically, I can do whatever the hell I want without feeling bad about it. At this very moment, I’m single and so is he.

I know he’ll come around. He has to. I’m not sure what I would do if I knew he was with another chick while we’re on a break. I would feel as if he never loved me in the first place if he moved on that fast. I can’t do it to him. I’ll wait a little longer for him to come around and call me again. He gave up on calling a few days ago when he realized I wasn’t going to answer but if he calls again, I’m actually going to settle our differences. I’m going to figure out what made me fall in love and tell him exactly how I feel.

As soon as Professor Doran wraps up his lesson, I grab my notebook, toss my satchel over my shoulder, and then step around the table to get out the door. I don’t even make it outside before the familiar voice calls my name. Turning slowly, I watch as Tyler jogs his way towards me, his books tucked beneath his right arm. He comes up closer than I would like and I take a step back, waiting for him to speak.

“You said you can press “play” at any time but the time hasn’t come yet.” He looks me over and I fidget under his glare, pulling my notebook against my chest. “I think it would be nice to get to know one another. We don’t have to go to extreme measures. I’ve just watched you mope for the past week and since I think I know the reason why you’ve been so down, I thought I could make you smile a little—I know it’s probably weird and out of the blue to you but . . . I don’t know. I just thought it would be worth it to make someone’s day.” He grins and it causes me to reveal all of my teeth as well. “I’m just a genuine guy,” he shrugs. “My father raised me right. What can I say?”

“Well I’m sorry but I’m having a little girl time with my best friend tonight.”

“Doesn’t have to be tonight,” he says, shifting on his feet. “Maybe tomorrow night or the night after that?”

“I’ll have to think about it,” I say, smiling softly before turning around. I push out of the glass doors and head for my car but a rustling comes to my side. Looking to my left, there’s the consistent Tyler again.

He stops me and I want to tell him to go away as nicely as I can but as he grabs my hand to place a ripped sheet of paper in the palm of it, my words catch in my throat. “Just think about it,” he says, his voice humming through to my core. My belly heats and I know it’s bad to feel but he’s so damn hot . . . and he’s a chaser. Goodness, what the hell is up with me and chasing-ass men. “If you and your guy are still on a pause by the end of this week, give me a call. Consider it. Don’t just blow it off. I think you deserve to smile again. Sadness doesn’t look good on you. Happiness looks way better.”

We stare at one another for a few seconds longer before he finally takes a step back, winks, and then walks towards the entrance of the school to get inside again. I watch as his hips swing beneath his snug jeans, the way his broad shoulders move slowly but confidently. Taking a look over his shoulder, he notices that I’m still staring and smiles charismatically before reaching the door.

My heart pounds against my chest and through my ears. My nerves are stirring around inside of me but instead of dwelling on it, I tuck the paper into my back pocket and dash for the parking lot to get to my car and as far away from Tyler Stokes as I possibly can.