Hard to Hold On

chapter Six



Nolan



Natalie’s only staying for four days which is good and bad. I want her around because I don’t want to be alone. I want someone to hold onto to get rid of the hole in my chest however I don’t want her to witness this side of me or even Mills. I’m reliving a nightmare. I thought it was bad with my father being gone but it’s much worse with my mother.

A few slits of moonlight shine in through the blinds and I watch as her chest sinks and rises. Some of her hair is in her face and her features are soft. I love my Bunny . . . but why? What made me fall? Was this really rushed? I hate thinking about it but Mills and his drunk talking always gets to me. When he’s drunk, he always speaks his mind. The night before Natalie came he told me our relationship was moving too fast. It came out of nowhere—him saying that. I wasn’t sure of how to respond so instead of a response, I thought on it. I wanted to ask him why but I was afraid of his answer. I didn’t want to know because I didn’t want to face any facts.

This morning Mills was pissed that I had told Natalie to come over here. He hated that I was planning a funeral so soon but we have to bury the body. We can’t just leave it lying around. When he saw Natalie sitting at the table he grimaced at both her and me before marching for his room and slamming the door behind him. She asked me if he was alright but of course I had to lie to her and say he will be.

I feel terrible for what I had said to her now. I feel like the worst boyfriend on the f*cking planet and I should. She didn’t deserve my wrath . . . my heartache but I couldn’t seem to control my anger. My emotions are all over the place right now and it’s not cool for me to take it all out on her. I’ve literally become an emotional wreck and I f*cking hate it.

I reach a hand forward to brush the tendrils away from her face. I don’t deserve someone like Natalie. Someone so caring and sweet. Someone who puts up with things from me that she doesn’t have to put up with. I could see the terror in her eyes as we argued earlier. I could practically hear her heavy heart. She didn’t come out of the room until an hour after our argument and I was hoping she wasn’t contemplating. Of course I apologized but what I’d said was how I’d really felt. I want to know why she loves me. I want to know what makes me different from the rest because I feel like there’s nothing that makes me different and it’s not the first time I’ve thought about this question. Most times I used to brush it off but not this time.

I’m lost right now and to know that she doesn’t have a reason makes me worry. It makes me think she only gave in because I kept coming after her. Mills said I rushed it with her. He wanted me to chill out but he said I moved a little too fast. I tried my hardest to wait on the first time with Natalie so I could get to know a bit more about her but when she called me “gay” for holding off, it pissed me off.

Mills never gets enough of calling me a “fag” which is why it aggravates me when Natalie makes a reference to it. He figures that since I can’t get real with one girl, I must have a thing for guys so in his book, that’s a “fag”. He always says it’s a joke but I used to take it to heart a few times. I’m nowhere near gay so I had to prove them wrong.

Now I feel terrible because it seems like testing myself and knowing I can be faithful is one of the main reasons why I’ve stuck it out with Natalie. I love her to death and with her, I don’t need any other girls but I don’t want to admit to her that one of my main reasons for starting this relationship was only to prove myself, my brother, and even my best friend Dawson wrong. It’ll kill her.

Natalie deserves so much more—way more than someone like me. I’m still learning how to settle and I’m glad I’ve done so with her . . . but I don’t know if we’ve been real. I don’t know if we’ve been completely honest or open with one another like a real relationship is supposed to be. We have a connection that can be easily teetered and I don’t want that. I want a strong one.

I watch Natalie sleep for a few seconds more before I finally turn on my back and shut my eyes. I’d rather force myself to sleep than think about my feelings. It’s just another thing to brush off but sooner or later, it’s all going to pile up.

****

I wake up to the sound of rain. It’s heavy as it pounds against the window pane to the right of me. Groaning, I shift beneath the sheets, turning on my side and reaching my arm across the bed. As soon as my hand lands, I feel the cool sheets beneath my fingers and I sit up quickly. Where the hell is she?

I push out of bed, looking directly at the spot where her teal suitcase is. Realizing it’s still there, relief washes over me and I finally blink. I thought I had scared her off. I would have hated for her to go back without telling me.

I glance down at my worn shorts, figuring a shower is best. Grabbing a towel, I trudge towards my bathroom and turn the knobs for the shower, allowing the water to pour. It takes only a few minutes for me to hear the bedroom door shut. Not long after, I hear light footsteps making their way towards the bathroom. The door creaks open and I watch Natalie’s thin silhouette through the clear shower curtain.

Through the blur, I watch as she strips down to her underwear. I feel a throb between my legs, realizing that her slow, sweet actions are turning me on. She unhooks her bra, revealing the light pink of her nipples just as she pulls her hair to one side. She slides out of her panties and right after, takes slow steps towards the shower. With each one of her steps, I feel my dick twitch and I lick my lips, waiting for her to step in.

Without invitation, she pulls the curtain back and steps in without bothering to look at me. I don’t think she realizes how sexy her actions are. For her to come in, I know she wants it. I know she’s asking for it. After drawing the shower curtain closed, she turns around to look at me beneath her eyelashes. Her brown eyes look from mine to my chest, down to my abs, and then down to the arousal that can’t be hidden. I refuse to hide it. I want it inside of her.

“I was hoping you would get up soon,” she says softly. “I went to get some coffee.” I watch the way her lips move, the way they pucker after she’s completed her sentence.

I don’t even think on my next action. I want those lips against mine. Hooking my arm around her waist, I pull her against me until I can feel my arousal digging into her. I swallow the moan that comes from her and lick away the few drops of water that are spilling from my wet hair to our mouths. Her panting picks up as I move my lips down to her neck. I suck on her warm skin softly, and she tenses as she wraps her arms around my neck.

My fingers dig into her waist and I pick her up. I can feel myself throbbing pleasurably. I always go for the buildup. I always want the pleasure to last. Apparently she has other plans because she pushes against me so I can place her back down.

I look at her, confused, as she presses her palms against my chest but once her body begins to lower and she licks her lips I know exactly what she wants—and I’m not stopping her. A hiss sizzles through my teeth as she drags kisses from my pelvis and down between my legs. I’ve missed this. I’ve missed having sex with her, but most of all I’ve missed having her body against mine.

She finally drops onto her knees and the water from the shower head runs from my body to hers. Her skin glistens with each drop that splatters onto her face and her shoulders. Looking up at me, she grabs the entire length and begins to stroke. My head falls back and I groan as she pumps quicker, harder. She allows little time for her warm lips to wrap around me and when she does, my groans turn into growls. Her head and neck moves forward and backwards while she moans with each stroke and lick. I grab a fistful of her hair and hold on tightly but not too tight to hurt her. It obviously turns her on even more because she goes faster with a light moan.

I tense, growling as she goes faster. Before she can finish me off, I pull her up and she bites at her lower lip as she watches mine. My lips devour hers as I pick her up in my arms and turn around to get beneath the warm water. It trickles against us and she moans as I purposely press my arousal against her. I’m so close. I want to push myself inside of her but I decide to return the favor.

Pinning her against the shower wall, I lower myself, making sure her legs are wrapped around my shoulders to keep her leveled. She begins to pant urgently as her soft brown eyes gaze down at me. Licking my lips, I push her hands onto her thighs and begin licking her where she loves most. I hear a soft purr and a moan come from her as I pull back.

“Nolan,” she breathes impatiently. I hold back on a smile, knowing that when she wants it, she wants it so instead of toying with her, I give it to her.

Sticking my tongue out, I swirl it around her core and she bucks against me but I hold my hands up to keep her legs sturdy. She seems to rise higher against the wall, almost scrambling away from my lips but I refuse to let her go.

“Oh my God, Nolan!” she screams as I dive my tongue down between the slick curves. I drag it back up to the most sensitive spot between her legs and her panting picks up even more as I feel her begin to move against my mouth.

I suck until I feel her getting swollen—until I feel her body moving with each stroke and rhythm that I create. As soon as I hear her scream my name and feel her body tense and quake around my shoulders, I pull back up and shove myself deep inside her without hesitation.

She releases a heavy groan but I pump as fast as I can. “I’ve missed you, Natalie,” I groan against her ear. “I’ve missed this so f*cking much.”

She screams again as I bury myself into her completely, causing a banging against the wall. I circle my tongue around her earlobe before pulling back and hammering into her.

“Nolan!” she screams again, boosting my ego while encouraging me to go harder. I pound into her as if I don’t want my body against anything else. I circle my groin against her and she pulses and throbs around me. I feel a warmness trickling around the length of me and I groan delightfully, glad she’s reached a point of bliss and ecstasy again.

She brings her head up and crushes her lips against mine as the water continues to pour over us. Grabbing a fistful of her hair, I pull her head back to get a taste of the skin on her neck again but that’s when I realize how close I am. I can’t hold it in anymore.

I continue the strokes until I feel myself about to explode. I grunt against her neck as she bites her fingernails into the skin of my back. I feel the hot release splurging and I shudder a dozen times before falling against her chest. There’s a throbbing between my legs but it feels good. It feels so damn good to let go of what’s been pent up inside of me.

After we catch our breath, I place her on the shower floor and she smiles up at me beneath her eyelashes. I smile back at her but it’s not complete. Although the sex was amazing I still feel like something is missing. What the f*ck is wrong with me? Why can’t I just be happy right now? She’s gotten my mind rid of the thoughts for a few minutes but now I feel worse than before.

Taking notice of my worry, she wraps her arms around my neck. She kisses me twice before placing her head against my chest and listening to my rapid heartbeat. I wonder why she isn’t saying anything. Maybe she’s thinking like I am. Maybe she doesn’t want to ruin the moment.

I don’t want to destroy her mood. I want her happy . . . even if I’m not completely happy with my life or myself. I honestly don’t know if I ever will be.

After we’ve showered and cleaned ourselves while storming up some minor small talk and flirting, I finally figure out what has to be done.