Hard to Hold On

chapter Five



Natalie



The wheels of the plane touch the ground as I nibble on my bottom lip. I’ve never felt so nervous about anything in my life—well besides the night at lounge Haven for Open Mic a few months ago but that nervousness can’t even compare to now.

I thought I would be excited to see Nolan again. Turns out I’m not completely. I am excited to be with him and hopefully make him feel better but it just doesn’t seem like it’s going to be the same. I haven’t talked to him all weekend and to see him today may be odd.

A flight attendant speaks through the microphone but it’s all a buzzing around my head. As soon as I see people standing and reaching into the compartments above to grab their bags, I do the same. I hurry down the aisle and take my time going down the hall that leads to the lobby. I can’t help but wonder if he’ll be excited to see me. Is he as anxious as I am? Will he be smiling and ready to see me?

After pushing through the crowd just to fight for my own suitcase, I turn around and scan the lobby. The wailing and crying of babies fills my ear buds. People chatting and business people rushing with their phones glued to their ears takes my attention away—that is until I see Nolan standing near the exit.

I gasp at first sight of him. It’s not what I’d expected at all—in fact, it’s much worse. He looks terrible in his faded jeans and white T-shirt. I can’t forget to mention the bags beneath his eyes that prove his lack of peaceful sleep. I study his lean stature, glad I can still make out the curves and creases beneath his T-shirt. At least he hasn’t let himself go all the way.

As I step forward, my heart pounds heavily. He spots me coming before I can get to him and as soon as his soft eyes meet mine, he smiles . . . but of course it’s a forced one.

“Hi, Bunny,” he whispers in my ear, pulling me against him. I smile over his shoulder, embracing his touch that I’ve missed over the course of these four months. His masculine scent that I’ve missed lingering in my lungs. I feel the heat radiating from his body and I sigh because I’ve missed this. I’ve missed holding on to him and I don’t want to let go but I do fractionally to get a better look at him.

He pushes a hand through his mussed hair before reaching for my suitcase and my tote bag. “Nolan, are you feeling alright?”

He shrugs. “I’m living, right?” My lips press as he digs into his pockets to pull out some car keys. “Come on. We don’t want to hit traffic.”

Nodding, I follow after him towards the exit. As he pushes out, I take in the warm, fall air of San Francisco. It feels nice but it’s nowhere near as warm as Miami is.

We continue to walk until we reach a silver Altima. He pops the trunk, places the bags inside, and I slide into the passenger seat with jumbled nerves as he shuts it and hurries for the driver’s side. This isn’t what I was expecting at all. I don’t like the silence from him. I don’t like how quiet he is or how drained he looks. I guess the double shifts and his loss is really catching up with him.

As soon as Nolan climbs in, I grab his hand before he can start the car. He turns his head to look at me, his hard grey eyes lingering on mine before falling. Locking my fingers around his, I sigh and he looks away, swallowing heavily. “Nolan, look at me.”

“I look like shit, Bunny.” He gives me a dry smile.

“Yeah . . . you do,” I agree with a teasing grin, “but I understand. I’m sorry for your loss, but you know you can talk to me about anything. That’s what I’m here for.”

“There’s not much to talk about, Natalie.” He pulls his hand away to reach up and place his fingers behind my ear. My skin tingles from his touch and his gaze that’s focused on mine. “Thank you for coming. Sorry if I’m acting a little . . . off.” He places a quick kiss on my lips then pulls away to crank the car.

My immediate reaction would be to speak but I’m stuck. I can’t. I don’t know what to say. Instead of talking, I let the ride carry on silently. He doesn’t seem to mind it, but I do. It’s most likely a girl thing but I want to talk about it. He shouldn’t be bottling his emotions up. I know Nolan and if he feels a certain way he’ll tell me. But this time is completely different. He isn’t saying anything at all.

I should have gotten a dozen kisses and his hold should have never left from around me at that airport until another few minutes but I have to understand. I have to put myself into his shoes.

I just hope this behavior doesn’t last for very long.

****

The home we arrive at is a cute brick home with black shutters and a large porch with four wooden rocking chairs on it. The grass is surprisingly green and the few oak trees in the yard hover above the house like towers.

Nolan hops out of the car quickly and hurries for the trunk and I get out, but my movements are cautious.

Pulling out his key, Nolan unlocks the front door and as soon as I step in I absorb the homey feel of it. Black leather couches are against the north and east wall. A flat-screen television is sitting on the TV stand and a dark-brown coffee table is centered between it all. I can’t help but stare at the half-empty bottle of vodka on the table. I look from it to Nolan who has just sighed.

“Wanna see my room?” he asks.

“Sure.”

I follow him down the hall to the last room on the left. He swings his door open and I smile because it’s the kind of room I would expect someone like Nolan to sleep in. His walls aren’t painted but he has a large bed, a small flat-screen television on his dresser, a corner desk piled up with books, and loads of clothes sitting in the corner. It’s simple, just like him.

“Excuse the mess. I tried to clean but . . . well I just gave up on it,” he murmurs. “I hate cleaning.”

I smile at him as he drops my bags in the corner then steps towards me again. My breath hitches as he pulls me against him, staring solely at my mouth. I pull my lips in to bite on them, feeling his fingers spread across the small of my back before drifting down to my hips.

“I’ve missed you, Bunny,” he murmurs against my lips. I release the bite from my lips and he doesn’t hesitate to kiss me. A moan catches in my throat from the plushness. Oh, how I’ve missed his lips against mine. “I’m sorry I’ve been ignoring you . . . it’s just been awful,” he breathes. He kisses my neck and I nod, catching a grip of his shirt.

“I understand.”

Groaning, his lips find their way to mine again and he begins to back me up towards his bed. The back of my legs press against the edge and we fall slowly, but his hands never leave from my body. He kisses a trail from my neck to my collarbone. Rigid breaths tumble out of me as he reaches his hands beneath my tank top to pull my shirt over my head. I allow him to do so freely. I’ve wanted this for so long and I know he has as well.

He unbuttons my jeans and I undo his. Slowly, he tugs my jeans away from my hips. His lips work their way from my navel to my pelvis until they’re down completely. His gaze lingers on mine and his tongue works its way between his lips. As he stares at my blue panties, he groans delightfully and in only a second, those have disappeared as well. He dives back in, attacking my lips with too much force.

His lips literally crush mine and I can’t believe how turned on, yet, frightened I am by his touch. I’m frightened because I feel the stress coming from his body. I feel the hurt he’s been holding in. His arousal presses between my legs and I tense, feeling his heat and erection throb against me. Heat runs from my belly and spirals between my legs and my body arcs, begging for him to slide inside of me already.

He stares down at me, reaching a hand up to remove my bra. As soon as it’s unclasped his tongue swirls around one of my nipples and a heavy moan brushes past my lips. My eyes squeeze shut, allowing the pleasure to burn through me. One of his fingers slide into me while his thumb rubs around my core and I gasp and moan at the same time. He’s building me up but right now, after so long, I can’t stand it. I need him inside of me because the ache between my legs has been here for far too long. I need to get rid of it.

Nolan’s grey eyes turn hard and before I know it, he’s pulled his hand away to shove himself deep inside of me. I moan and he grunts before hissing through his teeth. Reaching a hand down, he cups my ass and plunges deeply, slowly. The strokes are defined, simple, but I don’t need that right now. I need it all.

He brings his thumb down to rub circles around my core and I nod recklessly before clinging onto his shoulders. “I’ve missed you,” he murmurs then picks up his pace.

Like a little girl, I scream and cry his name. He pumps heavily and with each one is a grunt or a moan. Sweat begins to form between us and the room heats up thickly, intensely, but he doesn’t stop. He hooks my legs around his waist and lifts my hips, allowing only the top of my shoulders to rest on the bed. I stare into his eyes, but that’s when I notice how something isn’t right.

That’s when I notice the glisten in his eyes, as if he’s about to cry. He tries to blink the tears away and continue but I pull back quickly and he pulls out of me. “Nolan?”

His gaze drifts from mine to the mangled blue sheets on his bed. I wait for him to respond but he remains silent. Still trying to catch his breath, he climbs off of the bed and reaches for his jeans.

“Nolan? What’s the matter?” I ask, stepping off the bed and reaching for my bra. I hook it on then put on my panties before stepping towards him. “Nolan,” I snap. He finally looks up with sorrow drowning each of his features and my eyes immediately depress for him. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

“It’s too soon, Natalie. I’m not feeling it. I don’t feel anything anymore.”

“Well we don’t have to do it, Nolan.” I reach up to cup his face to get him to look at me. “We don’t have to. It’s okay. I still love you.”

His lips press, his Adam’s-apple moving up and down as he swallows. He then pulls away to slide into his jeans. After his eyes have dried and he’s taken a deep breath, he turns to look at me. “Maybe we should start getting things for the funeral in order. Mills will be here soon and maybe he’ll help, too.” He looks down at my bra and my panties before looking into my eyes again. “Can I ask you something?”

“Anything, Nolan.”

“Why do you love me exactly?” After his question he winces, as if he’s suddenly in pain.

I hesitate because the first thing that comes to mind is my last relationship. After Bryson, I felt like complete shit, but then I met Nolan and I felt better than ever before. It wasn’t lust I’d felt. There was a connection between us and I wanted to hold on to it. But what made me fall in love with him? Was it his persistence? Is it because he’s so hot that I don’t want him to leave? Did I not want to be alone? All of those are poor reasons.

I continue my stare into Nolan’s sullen eyes, realizing I don’t have a real answer to his question. I know I love him—that’s a fact. He’s the first person I think about when I wake up in the morning and the last person I think about before I go to sleep at night. But what’s in between there? What makes me love Nolan so much?

“Nolan I—” I break off and his eyes depress even more. He doesn’t blink once as his fingers slide into his back pockets.

“You know what’s funny?” he asks.

His gaze drifts as I wait for him to answer his own question.

“For the past twenty-four hours, I couldn’t come up with a real answer either. I don’t know why I love you so much. I just know it’s here between us. It kind of snuck up on me and now I can’t deny it. I can never go a day without thinking about you but if there’s one thing I was taught from my mom, it’s that we should always know why we’ve fallen in love with that one person who’s changed everything. We should always know why we love someone and what makes them so different from the rest. I love her because she took care of me and, even though it was hard, she raised me correctly. I love my dad because he treated me well and never left from my side. He always taught me right from wrong. I love Mills because he’s always taken care of me and has been my wise conscious for years.”

He looks at me briefly, slowly making his way towards the door. Swallowing the brick in my throat, I stare at him, confused and in somewhat of a shock. Why is he talking like this? What the hell did I do?

“What are you saying, Nolan?” I ask before he can open the door.

He looks over his shoulder, his grip tightening around the door knob. “I’m saying this between us seems like it happened kind of fast, Natalie. It’s starting to feel like we jumped into it way too quickly. You don’t ever sit and think about why? Why were we so quick to hop onto one another? We were hurt, both in need of a healing. I thought about it and . . . I just don’t know anymore.”

My pulse pauses as he turns to look at me. “S-so what do you want? A break? You want to just drop what we have?”

“You can’t even tell me what we have, Natalie!” he booms. “I can’t tell you, either! I wanted you from the start for your looks—for your body. I wanted to finally be faithful.” He runs a heavy hand through his hair. “I mean, I have. This is the longest I’ve been faithful and the longest I’ve gone without having sex but as we did it, I just couldn’t figure out what it was about you that made me fall in love this much. It just . . . happened. That thought alone bothers me because I need to know. I need a real reason why. It’s not healthy for us not to know.”

“How is that something to be upset about?” I ask. “What’s wrong with being in love just to be in love, Nolan? What’s wrong with caring and falling because you feel a connection with that person?”

He sighs, his head lowering. “It’s nothing, Natalie. Okay? Let’s just drop it. Meet me in the kitchen. I’ll make some calls to see who the cheapest mortician around here is.”

Before I can respond, he swings the door open and steps out. The slam is a little harder than expected but it only proves his frustration. What in the hell is wrong with him? I’m trying to put myself into his shoes but by now I’m confused. I definitely didn’t see this coming.

Slumping down on the edge of the bed, I run my fingers through my hair with a sigh. I knew I should have just given him his space. It’s obvious that coming to California this soon was a terrible mistake.