Hard to Hold On

chapter Three



Natalie



“Are you still waiting around for Nolan to call?” Harper asks me as she steps out of her bedroom. I glance over my shoulder before running a finger across the screen of my phone. I’ve been waiting all night for Nolan to text me back. I had even given his phone a call but it went straight to his voicemail. I’m beginning to worry about him.

During the past four months we were fine. At one point he thought his mother was going to be more than okay. He called me every day and gave me the details but on this one night when I need him to talk to me most, he isn’t responding.

Harper slouches down on the sofa beside me but my eyes don’t drift from the movie that’s playing. I’m not sure what movie it is. I just turned the TV on, hoping it would block my worry. It’s obviously been a complete fail.

“Nat?”

I finally turn to look at her, taking in the hint of worry behind her glass-blue eyes. “I’m okay, Harp.”

“No you’re not okay.” Her head falls against my shoulder as she stares at the TV screen with me. “Do you think his mom is alright?”

“If we’re being honest, no,” I say through a dry laugh. “If so, he would have called me by now. The surgery was last night and it’s been more than twenty-four hours.”

Harper sits up to look at me. As she fixes her lips to speak, my phone buzzes and I snatch it up quickly.

Nolan.

My heart pounds against my chest as I hop from the sofa and answer. “Nolan?”

I rush for my bedroom, shutting my door behind me. “Natalie.”

There’s a difference in his voice and I notice it as I sit on the edge of the bed. It sounds tighter, gravelly. “Nolan, what’s wrong?”

The line remains silent and as each second passes, my heart beats a little harder. I hear him swallow before sighing. “She’s . . . gone, Natalie.”

Nolan clears his throat but mine dries out as I stare at my carpet. She’s gone? Meaning she’s dead? No wonder it’s taken him so long to talk to me. He’s been grieving over his loss. “Oh, Nolan, I’m so sorry.” I grip the edge of the bed with my free hand. I know he’s hurt. If only I was with him. I would hold onto him and make him feel like he’s not alone. This shouldn’t be happening to him. He doesn’t deserve it.

“Don’t worry about it,” he mutters. “I just thought I’d let you know.” The line is silent again and I refuse to speak. I’m at a loss for words. I don’t know what to say. I had my speech all planned out for when he would call and tell me his mother had actually made it but hearing this makes me want to zip my lips for the rest of my life. “I’m going to be working a double shift tomorrow and Saturday. I might need some time to myself for a few days.”

My heart slams against my rib cage. “Y-you mean like a break?”

“No.” His voice is abrupt. “Just . . . space, Natalie. I won’t feel right talking on the phone with you when I have nothing to say. It’s going to be kind of hard to come up with conversations—especially while I’m still living in this house. I just need time.”

“Do you want me to come visit you?” I ask. After I ask I want to slap myself. He’s just said he wants space.

Instead of slapping myself I wait on him to respond. I can hear shuffling in the background so he must be doing something but he’s making me nervous. I’ve never heard him this quiet over the phone since he’s been gone. “If you could, it would probably make it a lot easier on me. You can help me plan the funeral and everything else that needs organizing since Mills refuses to. I’ll call my aunt and ask her for some help as well.” I gulp, nodding. He sounds terrible and as his girlfriend I feel like shit for not being there with him. I can’t imagine the pain of losing both parents at the age of twenty-one.

“I’ll book a flight soon,” I say. “I can come see you and help you with whatever, Nolan. Are you going to be okay until I figure out a date?”

“I’ll be fine, Bunny,” he sighs. As he says it, my heart flutters. At least he thinks of me the same. “Let me know when your flight is in order, okay?”

I nod as if he can see me. “Okay. I love you, Nolan.”

“Love you too, Natalie.”

Before I can question his bland tone or even why he didn’t say “I love you” like usual, he’s hung up and my lips have sealed. As I pull my phone away from my sweaty ear, a terrifying thought comes to mind. How can I actually make him feel better when I don’t know how it feels to lose someone close to me?

The distance was already in the way but to have this road block is definitely going to cause problems. I wanted everything to go smoothly so he could come back to Miami but I don’t think that will be the case anymore.

A knock comes from the door, interrupting my bothersome thoughts. “Nat?” Harp calls from behind it.

“Yeah?”

“Can I come in?”

I sigh. “Yeah.”

She steps in quickly and as I look up, I spot the sorrow draining her features. “I’m sorry for eavesdropping and being nosey. I swear,” she whispers, stepping forward with twisted fingers.

“It’s fine, Harp. I’d rather you know so I won’t have to repeat it.”

Nodding, she sits beside me and the bed sinks beneath her weight. “If you want, I can book your flight tonight. My dad sent me extra money this morning and I was only going to use it to shop.”

I look up at her and she smiles softly. “Really? That’d be great, Harp.”

“What are best friends for? Seems like he needs you now more than ever, anyway.”

“Yeah. I could feel his depression.” I draw my legs in and pull them against my chest. “I just . . . I feel so awful for him. I don’t know what I’ll say when I actually end up seeing him.”

“Well hopefully he doesn’t change his attitude towards you. Nothing should really change. Just don’t push it with him. When my grandma died, it was the hardest thing to deal with for a while. I hated when people would ask me if I was going to be okay every day or if everything was alright. I grew up with my grandmother so losing her wasn’t easy. I just wanted time alone to cope with it and eventually I became at peace with it.”

I nod in agreement. She stands from the bed and makes her way towards the door. “I’ll go get my laptop and we can book the flight.” She forces a smile before hurrying out of my room to get to her bedroom.

With a sigh, I flop backwards and stretch my arms out. Without even thinking, I reach for my phone and send Nolan a text saying everything will be alright and that I love him. Harper comes back into the room and boots her laptop up and I help her find the cheapest flight for Monday.

While we book the flight, I can’t help but steal glances at my phone. Nolan hasn’t been the type to hold off on texting me back. He’s most likely not doing anything important so to know thirty minutes have passed and I haven’t received anything makes me worry.

It makes me doubt, and I don’t need the doubt. I need him.