Hard to Hold On

chapter Eight



Nolan



“Where’s Mills?” my aunt Macy asks. I turn to my right, looking at her with a shrug.

“Not sure, Aunt Macy.”

She nods, placing a hand on the sleeve of my suit. I stare down at her, watching as she swallows heavily. “Leona was a great sister and mother, you know that right?” she asks. “She loved you boys but I know it was a mistake to let you go. I’m glad you forgave her and came back to take care of her. It makes me so proud. It lets me know she raised you two the right way.”

My throat becomes scratchy but I take a sip of wine to block it. “Thanks.”

She smiles, her stained red lips stretching against her pale skin. Aunt Macy looks just like my mom and it makes it worse. They’re practically twins with the same curly, dark-brown hair, bright grey eyes, and button nose. They’re the same height and everything and I think the only reason anyone can tell the difference between them is because of the wrinkles forming around Aunt Macy’s eyes. She’s six years older than my mother.

“I have someone here I would like you to meet,” she says, circling her finger around the rim of her wine glass. “I just met her earlier. She’s an adorable young lady and she was one of Leona’s best students at the university.”

I shrug. I’ve been introduced and bombarded by all of the other random people who think they knew my mother so well. Why not add another? “Where is she?”

“She’s outside with a few classmates. Let me go and get her.”

Aunt Macy walks off and trails her way outside. Deciding I need more wine, I turn for the kitchen of her house and grab the bottle. I fill it halfway but then Natalie comes to mind. I hate what I’d said to her but I felt like it was needed. She’s supposed to be here right now but I don’t know where she is. I wasn’t expecting Mills to arrive early. I knew he wasn’t going to be up for the crowd and the people paying their respects so however late he could get, he would take it.

This morning I had to get myself ready early. Not only did I have to go and get the roses from the flower shop, but I also didn’t want to wake up to the awkwardness of seeing Natalie. If she would have rode with me to the funeral the tension in the air would have been awkward and heavy and I don’t think I would have handled it correctly.

Seeing her at the funeral made me do a double take. She looked wonderful in her black dress that stopped just above the knees and revealed a smidget of cleavage. Her hair was pinned up and her lips were glossy but I noticed the sad look in her eyes as she arrived with Mills. She stood by his side the entire time and comforted him and a part of me wanted to blow up because it should have been me she was comforting. I should have had my arm around her shoulders, not my brother.

But I guess I deserve it for now. I just need some time alone. I need time to actually gather my thoughts and cope with the idea that I’m not just fatherless, but motherless, too. I can’t continue to cause harm to her emotions so taking some space is best.

“Nolan?”

I spin around with my glass in hand to the sound of Aunt Macy’s voice but my gaze jerks over quickly to the familiar blonde with plump lips and a tight black blouse and black skirt on. Her green eyes pierce through mine and she smiles, clutching her glass of wine.

“I’d like you to meet Sharon. Leona told me a lot about how she helped out with afterschool tutoring and even coordinated a Mathematician Group for the university.”

My gaze lingers on Sharon and as I look her over, I partially cringe. Partially because she’s one of the many exes who broke my heart but looks hotter than hell.

“I’ve met her before,” I mutter tightly.

Aunt Macy looks at me, her head tilting. “Really? Where? Did Leona bring her around?”

“No. I knew her before she’d even met my mother.”

“Yeah,” Sharon butts in. “Nolan and I go way back. We were pretty tight in twelfth grade.” She flashes a wide, white smile beneath her glossed lips but I look away from her to my aunt.

“Well that’s fantastic!” Aunt Macy chimes. “I’ll leave you two alone to get acquainted again. I’ll go attend to the guests.”

I fix my lips to speak, wanting to tell her to take this bitch with her but she’s already around the corner before I can even look away from Sharon. Bringing my glass up to my lips, I look her over a few times before finally deciding I was an idiot for falling for someone like her. She looks like the kind of girl who doesn’t know how to settle down. The kind of girl who hurts for the fun of it. What the hell was I so caught up about?

“So, Nolan,” she sighs, walking past me to get to the wine bottles. She grabs the bottle of wine beside me and I catch a whiff of her. She doesn’t smell like Natalie who always smells like warm vanilla. She smells like strawberries and some other fruit. I have to go with the vanilla more on this one. I can never get enough of Natalie’s sweet aroma. “Let me just start by saying that, differences aside, I truly am sorry for your loss. Ms. Iris was the best professor I ever had and working with her was always fun.”

“That’s nice.” I hate how my mother got people to call her Ms. Iris instead of Ms. Young. When she started dating her boyfriend, she changed her last name back to her maiden name to make it seem like she had never been married.

Sharon looks up at me, her green eyes flickering before she takes a sip of her wine. As she drinks, her eyes never leave me. “So how are things?”

“Great.”

“No girlfriend or anything?”

“I have a girlfriend,” I counter.

“Oh.” She looks around, as if my girlfriend is supposed to magically appear. “Well, where is she?”

“She’s coming.”

My throat thickens and for a moment it feels as if someone has just poured sand into my mouth. I don’t know if she’s coming. I know her flight is at five but it’s only one in the afternoon and neither she nor Mills are here.

“I heard you moved to Miami a few years ago.” Sharon flips her hair over her shoulder, bringing me out of my worries for a moment. “Look, this is awkward,” she says with a dry chuckle. Her mascaraed eyelashes bat at me as she presses her pink lips around the rim of her wine glass to take another sip. “I’m really sorry for what I did to you. I was young and naïve and I just wanted to have fun. I know that’s, like, the shittiest excuse on the planet but I really am sorry, Nolan. I shouldn’t have done that to you. You were a good guy . . . I just wasn’t good for you.”

I press my lips together, staring at Sharon while taking note of the sincerity behind her eyes.

To my luck, Mills comes stumbling around the corner with his tie and collar undone, allowing me a reason to look away without making it awkward. He slides out of his jacket and once he reaches sight of Sharon, he frowns.

“Where’s Natalie?” I ask.

“I took her to the airport.”

He steps behind Sharon to get to the wine and crackers and my heart clutches as I glare at him. “Why the hell would you take her to the airport without letting me say goodbye?”

“It was her choice, Nolan. She wanted me to take her before we hit traffic. Plus she said she had to get back because she has to finish up some school work or something.” He takes a sip of red wine then turns to look at Sharon again. “Don’t I know you?”

“Nolan and I used to date,” she says before I can respond.

Mills raises an eyebrow, intrigued by Sharon’s response. “Is that so?” He takes a bite of his cracker before looking at me. “You should be glad Natalie didn’t come, Nolan. If she would have heard that statement there might have been a catfight.” He caps his palm on my shoulder before stepping past Sharon and I. “Excuse me while I pretend to enjoy the guests.”

I grimace at Mills’s back until he completely disappears. How could he do that? I wanted to at least say goodbye to Natalie before she left. I guess this proves how hurt she really is. She couldn’t even find the strength to face me and say goodbye. I want the space but I don’t want too much to change. Now that I know she’s at the airport, it’s killing me. She practically ran away at the first opportunity.

Sighing, I turn to look at Sharon who is still watching me with soft eyes. “We should catch a drink tonight,” she offers.

“No.” I step past her to get to the balcony door. As soon as I’m out, the fall air wraps around me and the breeze toys with my hair. Placing my wine glass on the table, I walk ahead to lean over the railing and gaze toward the endless trees in front of me. I’ve seriously f*cked up. I said so much shit out of anger, frustration, and hurt and she just . . . left. I’m not sure how to deal with it but the weight on my shoulders is much heavier now.

I wanted Natalie to be happier but I think I’ve made it worse for her. Watching her cry and break down last night destroyed me but she doesn’t need someone like me right now. From the start, I only wanted one thing but it transformed into something else entirely. Something more. How can I make her happy when I’m not happy myself? How can I get her to smile when I don’t want to reveal one?

The balcony door creaks open behind me and I glance over my shoulder, watching as Mills steps out. He sighs heavily, stepping up to my side and leaning his elbows on the rails with me. “As soon as she came back to the car, I asked her what was wrong and she started bawling her eyes out,” he says. “She told me what you had said to her last night . . . well some of it. I couldn’t make out everything.”

I turn to look at him slowly but he’s looking ahead at the trees. His features are harder and more tired than normal. He finally turns to look at me and I sigh, raking a hand through my hair. “I told her I needed some space. I don’t want it to be permanent. I just don’t know how to deal with her when I’m feeling like this. I’d rather pick myself up again before trying to carry her. I don’t want to drop her.”

“That girl will suffer along with you if she has to,” Mills says through a dry chuckle. “Seriously, I can see it in her. She’ll do anything as long as she’s by your side but you’ve just f*cked up. You shouldn’t have let her go like that—not without explaining yourself thoroughly. You could have at least gotten her to see it wasn’t her fault. It’s you and your f*cked up feelings.”

“But you’re the one who told me we were rushing, Mills. Now you’re acting like it’s entirely my fault?”

“It is your fault!” he says, standing up straight. “Nolan, I understand you’re hurt about Mom—shit, I am too. I feel like a lame f*cking idiot for getting drunk and slamming doors and shit but at least I didn’t break it off with Lorie. I told her I needed time and she was willing to give it to me but it doesn’t mean I don’t want her around me. I do want her around me but I don’t want her to witness this side of me. I know you feel the same way but you shouldn’t have told Natalie to come if you weren’t planning on making some changes in your attitude for her sake.” He shakes his head, taking a small step back. His grip tightens around his wine glass and his eyes swing from mine to the tall trees again. I stare at the bandaging around his hand before looking away.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud of you for keeping it going with her for this long. What I’m not fond of is that you literally pushed her away and hurt her while doing it. I love Lorie a lot and if she were to come down here, I wouldn’t have pushed her away. I would have tried to make do. I would have tried to be happier with her around, even when it hurts to be. I know she only wants the best for me. Natalie only wants the best for you. I’m sorry, but you f*cked up and I feel bad for telling you all that shit now. I don’t know how you’re going to get her back.”

“But it’s not permanent,” I snap. “I just wanted space, Mills. It’s not like I wanted to break up forever. All I wanted was time to myself.”

“You may not think it’s permanent, but she does. Women don’t think like us. You’re still learning and I can understand that, but you didn’t have to make her feel unwanted. I saw it in her eyes how hurt she was and as she cried at the funeral, I knew she wasn’t crying about Mom. She was crying over your dumb ass.”

Before Mills bothers to say anything else, he turns for the balcony door again. “Mills,” I call, lowering my head.

He pauses on grabbing the door handle to look over his shoulder at me.

“What should I do?”

Sighing, he runs his fingers through his hair and shakes his head. “Give her time to think about it. There’s nothing you can really do right now.”

“But shouldn’t I go and get her to talk to me before she leaves? Shouldn’t I at least call?”

“Are you seriously this f*cking helpless?” he snaps. “No, Nolan. Just drop it. Call in a few days or a few weeks or something. All you’re going to do is confuse her—especially if you continue to act like a dick. If you’re really this hurt over Mom that you broke it off with Natalie just to have some time alone, how about you take it? How about you think about the stupid act you’ve just pulled with all of the time she gives you because I know for sure she isn’t going to talk to you for a few days. Mom’s death is nothing to take lightly but it wasn’t that serious to break it off with someone who only wanted to help you—with someone who loves you and would give up everything for you. You can’t let temporary feelings cause permanent situations, Nolan. It’s just not cool, man.”

Without another word, Mills yanks the balcony door open and it shuts behind him heavily. My gaze lowers from the door to the wooden floorboards below me and then it all comes to me.

He’s right. I’ve f*cked up.

****

The first thing that comes to mind when I arrive at home is my bed. I just want to crash and sleep the rest of my night away. The wake ended at ten but I had to stay after to help Aunt Macy clean all while Sharon hounded me like a dog and tried her hardest to get me to go out with her and a couple of classmates for some drinks. I think I’ve had enough to drink. Six glasses of wine has really gotten to me and it surprises me that I’ve even made it home safely.

Untying my tie and undoing the buttons of my shirt, I slide out of both and then head for the shower. I allow the water to run over me as thoughts of the shower-sex Natalie and I had a few days ago comes to mind.

Thinking about her petite body, full breasts, and her full lips that were placed all over me makes me throb and twitch. Damn it, I shouldn’t have yelled at her. I shouldn’t have been such an a*shole about it. I’m such a f*cking idiot and Mills is right. I deserve it. I deserve to be alone for letting someone as good as Natalie go.

I didn’t think she’d take it this way, though. She literally ran away from me. I sigh, realizing the shower isn’t much help and thoroughly wash myself before shutting the water off.

After drying off and tossing some shorts on, I head for the kitchen to grab a bottle of water. I shut the fridge and turn around but that’s when I spot a scrap sheet of yellow paper lying on the middle of the glass table. Noticing the familiar feminine handwriting, I snatch it up quickly.





Goodbye feels like the hardest thing to do

Goodbye is breaking my heart in two

Our love was real, and you knew

But I know you have love for me

Because I have infinite love for you



Goodbye is killing me right now

Goodbye is screaming so loud

For your faithfulness, I truly am proud

And I’m sorry for your pain

But it’s clear; I understand now





Reading the words causes my palms to become clammy and my throat to thicken. I swallow to get rid of the dry, closed in feeling but it’s no use. As I read over them again, I realize what I’ve really done to her. I’ve hurt her when I swore a million times that I wouldn’t. I’ve let my emotions take control of me and may have possibly ruined what we have. I wonder if she thinks we’re over. We’re not and I have to let her know it.

I drop the poem on the table then rush for my room to fish my phone out of the pocket of my dress pants. I dial her number immediately and the phone rings five times until it reaches her voicemail. I call again and again hoping she’ll answer me. I know she’s back in Miami by now.

“Shit!” I roar, knocking my books and everything else off of the corner desk as the phone goes to voicemail again. I shove the trophies off my dresser, push my mattress off the box spring, and kick clothes out of my way, but it still hurts. I push, throw, and hit anything that’ll possibly numb me—numb the pain, the aching—but nothing’s working. I’ve lost her. I’ve lost everything.

Running my fingers through my hair, I slouch down in the single folding chair against the wall, placing my elbows on my thighs. I can’t believe myself. I can’t believe what I’ve done. I have no choice but to go back to Miami to win her back. She may not take me right away but I’ll work for it. I deserve to work for it again. I swore up and down I would never let her go—that I would never hurt her, but I’ve just broken that promise. I hate myself for making her feel anything but happy. I should have put my feelings aside but I allowed my temper to get the best of me. I let the gnawing hole inside my chest get to me.

Tears fall but I swipe at them quickly and stand to my feet. I fight the urge to let the tears pour anymore but it’s no use. I’ve been holding it in all day and now it’s time to let it go. It’s time to release all that’s been pent up inside of me. It sucks that my parents are dead but I know they want me to carry on. I know they want me to be strong.

Slumping down on the edge of the bed, completely defeated, my face falls into my hands and the tears continue to fall. I don’t know when they stop but I know sometime while releasing all of my pain, I had slipped beneath my sheets and dreamt of my mother and father. I dreamt of Natalie and Mills as well and the best part about it was we were all together.

Happy.

Smiling.

Complete as a family.