“Then why would you risk that by moving to…to God knows where, when we could work this out! And if you need to leave, with all that’s happened, I get that! I’d go with you!”
“But I don’t want you to come with me, AJ! That’s the point!” I admitted breathlessly. He stared, but didn’t speak. “As much as I love you, and as bad as I wish I still believed that that’s enough, I need to do this on my own! I’ve learned the hard way that, for whatever reason, us being together is toxic!” I could tell by the look on his face that I’d cut him deep with that word, but it was too late to take it back. “Leila, the accident, the baby, the lies, the secrets, Reina, Antonio…all of it! You don’t see it because you’re NEVER on the receiving end of ANY of it! You don’t know what it’s like to not be able to look at your own body in the mirror because when you do there’s enough pain and humiliation to stop your heart cold in your chest. You don’t know what it was like having to have your child’s remains removed from your body because some selfish girl didn’t know how to deal with her issues. You don’t know what it’s like having to piece your life back together every few months, AJ!”
“You think this has been easy for me? Sam…I’ve been there with you EVERY step of the way,” He yelled back. “And I don’t know if you realize this or not, but I was there during that procedure, too; you weren’t the only who felt that loss after the accident regardless of what you’ve convinced yourself of.”
He stood from where he sat beside me on the bed, cursed under his breath, and I jumped when he tossed one of the dining chairs against the wall. “So you’re just gonna walk away,” he said in a matter-of-fact tone. “After everything we’ve been through.”
“Because of everything we’ve been through,” I corrected.
His shoulders heaved while he stood across the room, seething with anger. “I can’t believe you’re doing this.”
I lowered my head when his stare sent a jolt of guilt through me.
“Sam, I swear…if you knew how much I love you…and how much you mean to me…”
A tear rolled down my face and I didn’t bother to wipe it away. “I love you too, I just –“
“No you don’t. You couldn’t. If that was true, leaving wouldn’t even be an option. Bottom line.” He shook his head in exasperation. “My life was in danger and I wouldn’t even think about leaving here without you.”
My heart felt so full and yet so empty all at the same time. Of course I loved him – so much that it scared me! But…I just wasn’t blind anymore. What happened that night changed so much in me. If I sat around waiting for the next disaster or the next tragedy to take another piece of me, there wouldn’t be anything left! I knew he’d react this way, but I couldn’t change my mind on this.
“AJ…whether you get it or not, I have to go.”
“Why would you make such a drastic decision now? With everything you’ve been through, you’re not even thinking clearly!” He reasoned.
“That’s where you’re wrong. I’m thinking clearer than I’ve thought in months. The damage that’s been done to this relationship – it’s irreparable.”
“Why don’t you just say what’s really on your mind? The damage that I’ve done to this relationship is irreparable. Because deep down you blame me for all of it, don’t you?”
I took a deep breath, trying to find the words to deny his accusation, but I couldn’t find them. Maybe because, on some level….he was right.
“So all of this is my fault,” he said defensively.
I shook my head. “You’re missing the point! Us, you and me….we don’t work!”
The hurt expression returned. “How the hell can you even say that?”
My heart twisted inside my chest.