Without waking, he stirred a little and pulled my hand to his chest where he continued to hold it. His breathing returned to its deep, slow rhythm as I lay there staring at him through the darkness, his heart beating against my palm. For a fraction of a second, I questioned whether I’d be strong enough to do what I knew needed to be done, but then I sobered up. I had to look out for me.
I wanted to feel normal again so badly, but it was as if my perspective of life and the world had shifted. I couldn’t help but to wonder if I would ever feel whole. What would it take for me to get back to the old Sam? Did she even exist anymore? I felt lost and very confused. Nothing made sense or seemed like a plausible solution to fix the pieces of my soul that Antonio had broken. No, I take that back; he didn’t break them, he stole them.
Life had been relentless this past year and I’d been forced to reflect on the part I played in it all – the decisions I’d made that led me to my current predicament. It just seemed like the chips were stacked against me and had been since the onset of this relationship. In essence, being with AJ had set off a chain reaction in my life that caused one thing after another to unravel. From day one, drama just seemed to follow us wherever we went, leaving me to believe that our being together would always come at a price – a price that I wasn’t sure I could afford to pay anymore. It seemed like it always came down to me being the one needing to be pieced back together; literally and figuratively. This incident, however, felt like the breaking point. I knew without a doubt that I needed to make some changes – one of which would be drastic and those around me would probably never understand how I reached the conclusion I came to.
Five thirty rolled around and I finally dozed back off with the sun just peeking over the horizon. When I returned to consciousness, Maisha was in the shower and Terrell was back; he sat talking with AJ about something quietly at the table until they saw that I was up.
“Sleep ok?” Terrell asked.
I shrugged my shoulders and yawned. “I guess you could say that,” I lied. Truthfully, I was too troubled to find peace even while I slept.
After watching me for a few seconds a look of concern crossed his face. “You hungry?”
I shook my head ‘no’.
Terrell frowned. “Sam, Maisha said you haven’t eaten anything since you’ve been here. I’ll get you ice cream or whatever you want. Just eat something,” he added. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look so worried before. My mind was made up that I wasn’t in the mood for food, but I couldn’t bring myself to turn him down.
“Chocolate,” I mumbled. Terrell smiled, hopped to his feet, and then headed down to the restaurant on the first floor. The door slammed and I turned back to face AJ who met my gaze with a weak smile. He stood from the table and came to kiss my forehead before coming to sit beside me. When he touched me, my will faltered ever so slightly, but I had to stick to my guns. I made up my mind to talk to him as soon as we were alone again. There was no sense in prolonging the inevitable.
“What time did you get back?” I asked, searching for something to talk about to distract myself.
He thought for a moment. “It must’ve been around midnight, I guess.”
I nodded. “Where’d you go?”
Casually, he shrugged. “I had to grab a few of my things from the dorm and…you know…stuff like that.
I nodded again and the silence around us was so heavy that it literally felt like it was alive – a third person in the room observing the awkwardness that had developed between AJ and I.
We both looked up when Maisha stepped out of the bathroom and sat on the edge of her bed, pulling her shoes on.
“Where’re you going?” I asked.
“Terrell’s supposed to take me to see my mother today.” She smiled and turned to look at me after she tied her laces. “I figured you and your folks could use some privacy, too.” Her expression was sympathetic when she smiled, probably knowing what a difficult step that’d be.
“You called your mom and dad? When?” AJ asked.