chapter 27
Trista
“Here’s his address and cell number. I had to beg Bass and made him promise not to tell his bestie a damn word about it.” Lindsey slid a piece of paper with her lazy scrolls into my hand before she sat next to me at the breakfast table. “You have to go and see him. Whether it’s for closure or just to pop in and say hello, you have to go, Tris. You’re never going to move on until you do. We both know it, so do this today.”
Two weeks had passed since I said my goodbyes to Harry. For each of those fourteen days, I had tried to gather up courage to see Taylor, but I always ended up being a coward and kept pushing back the inevitable.
Amber yawned as she strode into the kitchen, joining Lindsey’s campaign. “Yuppers. You gotta do it. You owe this much to him and to yourself. Stop thinking and just go.” she said before she spun around to the fridge and took out a carton of orange juice.
“Tonight,” I murmured to both of them. I had to make it or break it.
Tonight was my D-Day. I was scared shitless but it was today or never.
***
I had no idea what kind of car he drove, so I wasn’t sure if that was his in the driveway, but I knew I had to try and pursue my heartfelt mission or I might never forgive myself.
My entire body felt like it had been electrocuted. My hairs stood up and I was uncomfortably jumpy. Each step I took heading towards the two, tall, black main doors, felt stone heavy. I tried to clear my muddled brain as I pushed the doorbell. Breathe. I was in the middle of rehearsing the things I wanted to say to him, but every thought vanished the moment my eyes connected to his. I stood there, speechless, nervous as hell and momentarily clueless. F*ck.
For the past two weeks I had been so busy trying to figure out what to say to him that I had overlooked what it would do to me to see him again. My memories didn’t do him justice. My dreams couldn’t compare to the realness of him. The overwhelming feeling of happiness, sadness, desperation, fright and insecurity were eating me whole as we stared at each other in utter shock.
“Trista?”
My teeth caught the bottom of my lip as my eyes took in his dressed state. “Hi…you’re going out?” Taylor was wearing a black, expensive tux, unbuttoned around his neck with a black bowtie hanging around it, looking irresistibly and sinfully sublime. Good God, how did I even think it was possible not crave this sexy monster?
“I am, actually. I’m about to head out.” He sighed and opened the door wider. “We can speak for a bit. What brings you here?”
Where was he going? I wanted to ask, but didn’t want to cause any rift before I had to say my peace. “Thank you,” I murmured past him, entering his home.
After he closed the door behind me, he motioned towards me to follow him. Quietly, I walked behind him as my eyes took in his home. It was not what I had expected; it was masculine, but homey. His living room was painted in pale honeydew with dark wood flooring and furniture. He had two, large, white linen couches facing each other, they and they looked rather comfortable. One wall had floor-to-ceiling hardcover law books in numbered editions. I became so engrossed studying his living room that I forgot about Taylor until he spoke.
“You can take a seat if you want.” His chin gestured at the couch while he stood there, hands in his pockets. I could tell he was studying me, probably waiting for me to get my shit together and start talking. Why was this so difficult? I found myself leaning against the couch, my hand on the edge of the armrest, needing something to hold me up. “How are you? I heard you came back two weeks ago. I just came by to say hi and catch up.” I blabbered out, awkward, edgy and utterly nervous. I sounded like a complete idiot and, at this very instant, I certainly felt like one. Taylor’s distant attitude didn’t help calm my nerves.
“I’m doing well—” He paused when the house phone started ringing. He cocked his head to check the time on the clock.
It was obvious that he was pressed for time. “You can go get it. I’ll let myself out. Sorry for interrupting your evening. I hadn’t—” My legs began leading out of there, but I paused as I was leaving the living room, when the voicemail picked up the call.
“Baby, it’s Meg. You’re not picking up your phone. So if you’re on your way, don’t mind this message. It’s crazy, I know but I miss you already. Hurry!” After a long beeping sound, the house became silent again.
The pain that seared me then was so severely violent, I believed I may have momentarily blacked out. Taylor was back with his ex, Megan, the one who he toyed with the thought of going back to.
Right, why hadn’t I thought of this scenario? My stupid brain was too caught up thinking about him and our time in Greece along with that time he asked me to be with him.
“Trista—” Taylor whispered behind me. I could feel him close, but he didn’t reach out for me. The way he said my name told me it was too late. We had so much to say to each other, but there were no words to say.
There was no strength or will left in me to turn around and say goodbye. Instead, I just gave a shaky nod and pushed my legs to take me out of his house.
Just like that—with no words at all—I silently mourned my loss.
That’s what we were to each other, so much yet not much at all.
Life was about chances. The bad ones always return, the good ones tend to come back, but the best ones haunt you for the rest of your life.
I had mine.
And I regrettably missed it.
***
Going home would only mean I had to face Lindsey and Amber. That was one thing I wasn’t in the mood for. I needed to be alone to regroup for a night or two; I needed to cry out my agony, my stupidity and my lost chance to be happy with the guy who understood me. The man who had taken care of me even when I was a Class A bitch; even when I was pushing him away and calling him names. Through all of that he was there, unwavering.
It was barely six in the evening and I found myself checking-in at Chateau Marmont. It was funny really, I suppos suppose you could call this my heartbreak hotel. It was the perfect place for me and , I didn’t want to be anywhere else.
Three hours later, I was still crying my guts out. I felt awful and empty ; like like there was a big, gaping hole that needed to addressed. Honestly, I knew I shouldn’t be crying because Taylor had moved on. I should be thankful that I had the opportunity to meet someone like him, to know how it felt to be with someone of his caliber. Most of all, because of him, I knew what it was like to have a man that truly made me happy. One day, I would look back on my time with him without any regrets, instead, I would look on those times with hope, hope for a future where there was life after heartbreak and loss.
Taylor really was in truth, my dark angel. He referenced himself as such in the very beginning.
My heart poured with such endless emotions that I simply couldn’t hold back any longer. While tears flowed freely down my face, I started to type him a text message.
I came by today with a lot to say, but the moment I saw you, I was at a loss for words. How do I start to form the words I needed to tell you then, but couldn’t? I know I have to start somewhere, so, here I am, starting this while fighting the urge to delete this stupid message to begin with. Ever since that night you walked away from me in the alcove, you haven’t left my thoughts, Taylor.
I despised you in the beginning. You were arrogant and in my face about everything. Most of all, I hated how you had seen me at my lowest. You saved my life, yet I hated your guts more than ever. We clashed, we fought and argued whenever we could. One thing stood out, though, our attraction to each other was just as strong. The only defense I had was for us to keeping fighting and bickering, but when you stopped that, and started kissing me instead, all of the fight left me. You made me want you. You adamantly broke through my barriers and got through to me.
You’ll always be that special person I will think about when I’m old and gray. You taught me so much and, for that, I will always be grateful.
Our time will forever be with me. Its mark will never be forgotten. I hope you find your happiness as you have wished for me to find mine.
Greece will always and forever be yours…
Sent.
Goodbyes were the hardest ones. I was tired of giving them. I made a pact with myself that when I came out of this hotel suite, I would go home and look forward to starting my life again.
This past year may have contained the worst kind of struggles, torments and sins, but I was ready to pick myself up, dust myself off and reboot.
This time, I was hell-bent to do it right.