7:06 Still waiting. Maybe it was a bad idea to get here before the time we had agreed upon. Xavier isn’t the biggest fan or mornings or surprises, and I’m here giving him both.
7:11 Xavier: Already? I’ll meet you downstairs, give me a few minutes.
My heart starts racing as I get Brody out of the car so he can do his business. I’m not sure why I’m so nervous, but I am. Before Alyssa died, she was almost like a human shield for my heart. I didn’t have to worry about any of the old feelings, good or bad, to come to the forefront of my mind. Now, I don’t have that buffer and I’m not foolish enough to think that things aren’t different now. More than once while driving down the road, I’ve allowed my mind to drift back to that night and the weeks leading up to it. Xavier was right the night he took the pendant off my neck and walked away from me. I didn’t have enough faith in what we had to be completely honest with him.
Looking back, I can admit that was a huge transitional period in my life. I was a recent college graduate trying to find a job and attend grad school. I went from living with friends to sharing a home with Xavier, the man I was convinced I was going to live with forever. It was during that time that I started to question everything about who I was and who I hoped to become. Not because Xavier had control over every aspect of my life, as Stacey tried to tell me on numerous occasions, but because I had finally reached the point where I had to admit that I was a fully-functioning adult and make the best decisions for myself. And that led to some not-so-great choices along the way.
“You should pay more attention to your surroundings.” I jump at the sound of Xavier’s voice directly behind me. Leaning back against the car, I turn my head to take a good look at him. He’s thinner than I remember, his eyes carry evidence of many sleepless nights. It could be worse, I suppose, given everything he’s been through this year. “It’s good to see you.”
I take a tentative step into his outstretched arms, afraid of what I will feel when we touch. I think everyone has that one person in their lives that can affect them, even if it’s been twenty years and they separated on bad terms, and Xavier is mine. I know that, but that doesn’t mean I want to do anything about it or that I am that person for him. His arms close around my back, holding me close and I feel my body relax. There are no fireworks, no electric current racing between our bodies. Being near him, taking in his natural scent, feels easy and right. Comfortable. And that’s what scares me.
“What’s wrong?” Xavier asks, feeling the tension return to my muscles. I can’t tell him what I’m feeling right now. It’s not fair to either one of us.
“Nothing,” I lie, turning away to see where Brody ran off to. “It’s just good to see you. You look like crap.” After blurting out that little observation, I bury my head in my hands, cursing myself for not stopping for coffee on my way here. The filter between my brain and my mouth is obviously still a bit sluggish.
“Don’t hold back for my benefit,” Xavier laughs, pulling my hands away from my face. That peaceful feeling starts creeping back in as our hands are connected between our bodies. “It’s good to see you too, Melanie. Jacob doesn’t know you’re here, should we go wake him up?”
I press the button to open the trunk of my car so I can grab my suitcase. I offered to find somewhere else in town to stay, not wanting to blur any lines in Jacob’s mind, but Xavier assured me there’s more than enough room here. Xavier reaches for my bags before I have a chance to pull them out. Brody and I follow him through the courtyard and up two flights of stairs.
The smell of freshly brewed coffee greets me as Xavier opens the front door. If this is why it took him longer to get downstairs, he’s completely forgiven. Maybe a cup or two will clear the foggy feeling in my mind.
I set Brody on the ground, not thinking about the fact that he’s going to want to explore. See, I shouldn’t be forced to think before I have caffeine in my system. There’s no stopping the little black and white dog as he bolts down the lone hallway in the condo. Soon after he disappears into the room at the end of the hall, I hear the sweetest sound in the world.
“BRODY!” Jacob squeals. “Daddy, Daddy, how did Brody--” his eyes grow wide when he runs out of the bedroom and sees me standing at the end of the hall. “MISS MELANIE!” he screeches, racing into my arms. I lift him off the ground, holding onto him as if he’s my lifeline. I knew I missed him, but as tears start welling in the corner of my eyes, I realize just how much this boy means to me.