He pats the cushion next to him on the swing. There’s a small part of me telling me to lean against the railing, to keep a safe distance from him. The rest of me rationalizes that there’s nothing wrong with sitting next to a friend, listening to the waves crash against the sand in the distance. That is the part that I listen to.
For the first time since November, the silence isn’t deafening. I pull my legs close to my chest, allowing Xavier to gently rock the swing. We both stare into the inky darkness, soaking in the noises of the cool night.
“How long are you staying here?” I ask quietly. I’ve been wondering for a while now how long he plans to stay away from Wisconsin, but tonight is the first time I’ve worked up the courage to ask. If I were in his shoes, I can’t imagine I’d be eager to leave a place as beautiful of this to go back to memories of what I’ve lost. But that’s not his style. Xavier is a very ordered man and he has a job that he loves waiting back home. And as much as I can tell Jacob loves being a beach bum, he needs to get back to his friends at preschool. Both of them need a level of structure they aren’t getting here.
“I’m not sure,” Xavier sighs. I look over to him and see the mask of sadness lowering over his face. It’s the first time since I arrived that he’s looked like this and I kick myself for doing that to him. “I have four weeks of leave left, but I don’t know if I can go back.”
I lean forward, resting my head on my arms, willing him to keep talking to me. Xavier once told me about a theory called the octopus reflex. He said that if you want to get an octopus out of the entrance to an underwater cave, you have to go against your own instincts. Rather than pull on the animal, you simply push gently and the octopus will be so shocked it will dart out of the entrance, thinking you want it inside. Right now, I need to be the scuba diver, trying to lure him out of the cave. The best way to do that is to stay silent.
“I feel like I need to give myself and Jacob a fresh start, somewhere that we won’t have so many bad memories. That’s why I love being here. He’ll talk about her from time to time, but he doesn’t seem as sad as I thought he would be. It’s almost like he doesn’t realize that she’s actually gone.” Even in the shadows, I can see his jaw tense when he finishes his thought. The only sound other than nature is him gently squeezing the aluminum can in his hands. It’s one of the few nervous ticks that man has.
“But what will that teach him?” It’s time to get back to human reflexes, and every one of mine is telling me it’s time to challenge him. I understand wanting to run away from the difficulties in life. I also know that eventually, the time will come when he has to face going home. “Would you want Jacob running if things got bad between the two of you when you’re older? You need to be home where there are people who love you.”
“The only person there for me anymore is Braydon. And I’m sure he’d find every opportunity possible to escape to the club.” My chest feels heavy with his assumption. How can he think Braydon is his only support? Have I not told him that I’ll always be around?
“Xavier, you know I’m here too,” I promise him yet again. “We might not be the biggest support network in the world, but between me and Bray, you have nothing to worry about.”
I allow Xavier to pull me close to his side. Feeling the warmth of his body, the hardness of his chest under my hand, I tamp down my fears. He’s a friend seeking the comfort of a friend. We can do this.
“I don’t think I can go back to the house.” The longer Xavier talks, the quieter and more melancholy he sounds.
“Then don’t,” I say with a shrug. “Find an apartment for the time being and hire movers to pack and transport everything. But you need to think about that because the only memories of Alyssa that Jacob will ever have are all in that house. That’s his home too.”
Xavier leans over, placing a chaste kiss on the crown of my head. Friends, just friends. “I know I’m being selfish on this one, but I’ve loved twice in my life and I’ve lost twice in my life. Both in the same house. It’s time to move on.”
I can feel those damn tears again and I wish there was a way to block them. He sounds certain that the only way he’ll consider going home is if he never has to walk through that particular front door again.
“Then find a new place. If it helps, I’ll make some calls and get you a lease until you decide if you want to buy a new house and we can hire movers to pack.” I’m certain that with one phone call, albeit a somewhat unpleasant one once Tyler finds out who I’m trying to help, I’ll have a place secured for the two of them.