When he starts moving around the bedroom, I sneak down the hall to the kitchen. If he had wanted me to hear their conversation, he would have come out by me. Maybe someday he and I will be close enough that he can bring his worries to me. Until then, I will have to defer to a stuffed animal, hoping that I can listen to what he has to say.
“Hey buddy, are you ready for a snack?” I really need to find a grocery store around here because I’m sure Alyssa would chew me out for giving him Ritz crackers every afternoon. She was the type of mom who loved finding snacks that looked more like little works of art, making Jacob giggle and play as he ate. And if I don’t find the store soon, I won’t even have crackers for him. I seriously stink at being a single parent.
After finding a grocery store that delivers and placing an order, I decide to spend the rest of the afternoon exploring the coast line with Jacob. He runs up and down the beach, scurrying away from the water each time a wave rolls along the shore. By the time we walk back up the boardwalk to our temporary home, my pockets are heavy with rocks and seashells he insisted on bringing back to start a collection.
Thanks to the fact that I didn’t bother checking the amenities of this rental before sending in a deposit, Jacob and I have managed to overcome the bath time fights that used to stress both of us out. When there’s no bath tub, you have to improvise. In this case, it means that Jacob and I have started showering together each night. Now, he loves getting cleaned up and is even trying to wash his hair on his own.
“Daddy, I’m big now, just like you,” he squeals. I look down at his sudsy head and can’t help but laugh at the huge grin he’s giving me. Despite everything that has happened to him this month, Jacob is still finding little things to smile about.
“You sure are, buddy,” I praise him.
Jacob looks to the drain, shuffling his feet back and forth in the soapy water. When he looks back up at me, I see concern filling his eyes. “What’s wrong?” I ask, crouching down so I’m on his level.
“Do you think Mommy would be proud of me for not arguing with you ‘bout washing my hair?” Sadness flashes across his face for a brief moment.
“I think she is very proud of you,” I assure him. “Remember what Miss Melanie told you, Jacob. Your mommy sees everything you do and I know she would be here giving you kisses on your head, telling you how grown up you’re being.”
We finish rinsing our bodies and I turn off the water. Jacob shoves the door open, handing a towel back to me. “Daddy, are you going to call her?” he asks, his voice barely audible.
“Yeah buddy, we’ll call her before bedtime.” I’m not sure I’m ready to hear her sweet voice yet, but this isn’t about me. I have to continue shoving my own feelings to the back burner, this time because she has become a staple in Jacob’s life. He needs to talk to her, so I will suck it up.
Even though it’s only eight-thirty, I crawl beneath the sheets in my hotel room. I don’t expect the change of scenery to make sleep any easier, but exhaustion combined with driving most of the day might allow me a brief reprieve from the thoughts racing through my mind.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see my phone light up with an incoming call. I turned off the ringer earlier in the day because Stacey has been calling incessantly. I have no desire to talk to her, but she apparently found out that Alyssa passed away and keeps trying to see how I’m doing. Before I realized that she wasn’t the friend I thought she was, Stacey was always the one I would vent to when I lost a patient. She was the one who was there for me when I was busy trying to be there for the families.
“Hello?” I answer, seeing a picture of Xavier and Jacob playing with blocks on my screen. It’s one of hundreds of pictures of the little boy that I’ve taken since November. I need to remember to burn them to a CD and then clear them off my phone. Scrolling through pictures of Alyssa, Xavier and Jacob every night is only going to make it harder for me to move on.
“Did I disturb you?” Xavier’s voice is so tired. I wish he hadn’t thought it necessary to run away as soon as the funeral was over, but I understand it. But not knowing where he is makes it harder for me to keep my promise to Alyssa, even if it makes moving on easier for me.
“No, is everything okay?” This is the first time I’ve heard from him since the night of the funeral. He told me that he needed to get away for a while and that he would be in touch when he was ready. I’ve wanted to call him so many times since then, but I’ve been trying to give him that space.