The drive that should have taken two days wound up taking almost four because of restlessness and unplanned bathroom breaks, but we finally made it. No one knows where we are and that’s the way I want it for now. The phone calls are still coming in daily, asking how Jacob and I are coping. I tell everyone the same thing; it’s tough but we’re getting by. Jacob seems to be handling it a bit better since we left Wisconsin, likely because he’s not in familiar surroundings. If I had to hear him running through the house calling for Alyssa much longer, I think I would have lost it.
After Melanie left six years ago, I considered selling the house because I bought it with her in mind. I decided against it because the market sucked and I wouldn’t have gotten anywhere near what it was worth. Now, I’m certain that the first thing I will do when I go home is put the house on the market. There are too many bad memories there for me to ever hope to get a good night of sleep. The few nights we did stay there after Alyssa passed were torture. I woke up every night thinking I heard her calling for me. I wound up sitting in her room until the early hours of the morning when I knew Jacob would soon come looking for me.
“Daddy, can we call Miss Melanie?” Jacob asks, rubbing the post-nap sleep from his eyes. Every day, he begs me to call her.
I’ve been avoiding her since the night Alyssa died. While it’s completely irrational, I can’t get past being angry with her for not doing something when Alyssa stopped breathing. She could have done CPR or something, tried to bring Alyssa back to us, but she simply placed her fingers on Alyssa’s wrist, checking for a pulse and then turned to me with sad eyes, telling me that my wife was gone. I know she did exactly what Alyssa would have wanted, but that’s not what I wanted. That’s not what Jacob needed.
“Buddy, I know you miss her, but Miss Melanie isn’t going to be around anymore.” The words seem to stick at the back of my throat, wishing to remain unsaid. When I look down and see my child’s blue eyes glistening with tears once again, I almost cave. It’s not his fault that I’m so selfish that I can’t get past the anger and guilt to let him talk to her.
After Alyssa said goodbye to Jacob for the last time, she asked me to come back to her after he was settled in with Braydon. I knew she wanted me to be there for the end, but she managed to shock the hell out of me one last time.
She reaches out to me and I take her hand. No matter how hard I try, I can’t stop scanning her body, searing her to my memory. It might be better to remember her before she got sick, but the twisted reality is that I am a big enough man to admit I didn’t love her until I thought I was going to lose her the first time. No, for me, I need to remember her like this as a reminder. Of what, I’m not sure yet. There will be time to figure that out later.
“Xavier, look at me,” she wheezes. She’s so weak. It won’t be much longer. The thought has me on the verge of crying like a baby and she doesn’t need that. “I had a long talk with Melanie earlier, and now I want to have the same talk with you.”
My eyes grow wide at the mention of Melanie’s name. I can’t think of any discussion they had that has to be repeated for my benefit that’s going to be pleasant.
“She’s a good woman,” she whispers, looking directly into my eyes. In that one simple look, I know she knows everything. Oddly, she doesn’t seem upset, so I lean in, needing to hear what she has to say. “I asked her to take care of you and Jacob for me. She loves you both, I know you’ll be okay as long as she’s around.”
There’s no way this is happening. Alyssa can barely breathe, and she’s laying there telling me to be with another woman after she’s gone. I must be hallucinating. The lack of sleep is finally taking its toll, that’s the only thing that makes sense.
“Alyssa, I love you. You need to know that nothing is going on with Melanie and me. I would never do anything to betray your trust.” The assurances continue falling out of my mouth, despite Alyssa’s efforts to get me to shut up and listen.
“I know that, Xavier. I trust both of you, which is why I want you to let her help you raise my baby boy. She might be his only hope to turn out normal,” she giggles, which leads to a coughing spell. I think her sarcastic sense of humor is one of the things I’m going to miss the most. “Seriously, though, you’re going to need her. Please don’t shut her out. You pushed her away once and it poisoned your heart. I’m not stupid enough to think you ever stopped loving her.”
Alyssa stops talking long enough to catch her breath. That’s probably a good thing because I need to figure out how to get out of this twilight zone I’m in. “Al, you are the one I love. I know it wasn’t always that way, but I promise you that you and Jacob mean the world to me. You are the woman I pledged my life to.”