The sound of his breathing is the only indication that our call is still connected. I don’t press him to speak, figuring it can’t be easy for him to pick up the phone and call me. I’ve been a painful part of his past for a long time, but now even more so. Honestly, I hadn’t expected to hear from him this soon.
“Nothing’s wrong, if that’s what you mean,” he huffs. And then more silence. I hear Jacob in the background and I have to close my eyes to stave off the tears. He’s not my child, but I can’t imagine I would miss him any more if he was. Jacob and I were inseparable from the morning after Alyssa’s death until the night of the funeral. Xavier didn’t want him to have to stay for the entire visitation, so I offered to take him to my place. At first, I thought Xavier was going to refuse my offer because he was so upset with me for not saving Alyssa. But then, he thought about his son instead of himself and agreed it was for the best. And the morning of the funeral, he asked me to sit with the family so I could help watch Jacob. That was tense, to say the least, given that all of Xavier’s family knew who I was, but no one said a word.
“Jacob misses you. He’s been asking me constantly if we could call you. I hope you don’t mind.” Xavier’s voice is strained and I can only imagine how much it’s taking for him to once again accept my help.
“Of course not,” I say, my voice higher-pitched than normal. “I miss him too.”
Once Jacob grabs the phone away from his father, I don’t say a word. With as quickly as he’s talking, I wonder if he thinks he has to tell me everything he has to say as fast as he can. He tells me about how long and boring their drive to North Carolina was. And then about his bedroom has dead fish on the blanket. I’ll have to ask Xavier about that.
It’s not until he starts talking about walking on the ocean that I realize where they are. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it sooner, but Xavier loves the Outer Banks. When we were younger, he talked about moving there after I was out of school, but then abandoned that thought because there weren’t many jobs in our fields so far out. My concern for them eases a bit, knowing that Xavier has taken Jacob to a place he finds calming.
“Miss Melanie, will you come see me soon?” Jacob asks. The solace I just started feeling is replaced by tension caused by the hope in his little voice. If Xavier wanted me there, he would have told me where he was going. And right now, I’m fairly certain neither of us are ready to be in the same time zone, much less under the same roof.
“That’s up to your daddy,” I inform him. There is a tinge of guilt over the fact that I just totally put the ball in Xavier’s court. And that it was so easy for me to do. In the past, Xavier was my safety net when there were tough decisions to be made. I trusted him to do what was best for me in every situation. But that’s not what this is about. I could have told Jacob that I’m too busy to make a trip that far from home, but I decided to deflect and let Xavier take the blame for me not being near them. “But you can call me anytime.”
“Okay,” he says, satisfied by my answer. At least for the next thirty seconds. “Daddy says it’s time to go to bed now. I love you, Miss Melanie.”
“I love you too, buddy.” I quickly end the call before he can hear me start crying.
Chapter 10
It’s a full moon tonight. Jacob has settled into a good nighttime routine since I moved him into my bedroom, which leaves me nothing to do but sit out here in the swing and think. Nights like tonight, I miss Alyssa so much that the pain suffocates me. She would love gently rocking back and forth, watching the reflection of the moon dancing across the waves. If I wasn’t worried that he would wake up and find me gone, I would love nothing more than to lose myself walking along the beach with the water crashing against my legs.
She’s been gone for over a month now. And I still wake up every morning, forgetting where I am for a moment, and I steel myself to walk into Alyssa’s room and check on her. And then I open my eyes just in time to feel the anvil drop on my chest. I’m not at home. She’s gone. We’re alone. Then, I have to shift gears, finding a way to hide my own emotions before Jacob wakes up for our daily adventures. While not something I thought of when we came down here, allowing Jacob to spend his days enjoying the fresh air, running up and down the beach, has undoubtedly helped wear him out so he will sleep.