“How are you?” he asks, following me.
We both sit down and look at one another; it is so strange to be staring at him again. A million different emotions flow through me and I can’t help but cry. I’m not sure if I can let him go. After all of the nights I cried myself to sleep praying for a miracle, and here he is. Wiping the tears away with the backs of my hands, I look at him. He has his hands in his lap and is just watching me, I can see there is a glimmer of hope that exudes from within him and he finally says, “Come here.” Opening his arms to me, I scoot over, not able to fight his request and let myself indulge in Nate one last time. Yeah, it might seem selfish, but it’s what I feel I need to do. The second he embraces me, I cling to him, holding him tightly back. He soothes me by rubbing my back.
“I don’t even know what to say,” I tell him, afraid to start the conversation and let him down.
“You don’t need to say anything, A. That’s the beauty of our relationship. I am perfectly content just having you in my arms.” His assumption that we still have a relationship catches me off guard. Maybe it’s because I called him over here, but whatever it is, I am not sure I like it. He knows that I am with Bain.
I slightly pull away, feeling guilty for being so close to him. “Are you okay?” he asks. “You seem different than the other day.”
“I’m fine, Nate, I really am. I’m worried about Bain, that’s all.”
“Did something happen?”
“Not really, he just didn’t sound like himself when we talked this morning.”
“I’m sure he’s not. He’s gotta feel a lot like I do.”
“Which is?”
“Lost. Alone. Sad.”
I look away from him, hating knowing that my actions are responsible for doing this to not one, but two people. “Don’t beat yourself up, A. It’s not your fault that you’re so amazing and we both love you.”
“I’m not beating myself up,” I snap, angry that he can read me so well.
“I know you, Arion. I know you almost better than anyone. You can’t lie to me.”
In my mind, Bain consumes me. He is all that I’m thinking about and it is clouding my thoughts, making me know what I have to do.
“I’m sorry, Nate.”
“Sorry for what? You haven’t done anything wrong.”
“I’m sorry that I wasn’t there for you and that I haven’t been.”
“It’s fine, A, things happen. It was crazy of me to think someone as amazing as you would have stuck around and waited for me.”
“I did, Nate. I waited for months and months. Bain and I were just friends and then it turned into more. I didn’t plan on this happening.”
“I know you didn’t. It’s just a lot to deal with. Coming home and not having your partner and then finding out she’s moved on with some millionaire basketball star.”
I don’t even know where to go with this conversation. Do I sit here and try to justify my relationship with Bain or who he really is? I don’t want to share anything personal about him, to say that we connected over our grief, with the death of his sister and me thinking Nate was gone, but we did. And Bain is so much more than the fame that shines down on him.
“I don’t know what to say, Nate,” is all that I get out.
“Come on, A, I know you better than that. Just talk to me.”
“Nate, if you want me to be honest with you, Bain consumes every part of my life. I’m sorry.”
Nate surprises me; my comment doesn’t seem to hurt him at all. He looks at me and says, “Don’t be sorry. Talk about Bain. Arion, I’ve had a lot of time to think about things. I’d be lying if I told you in the back of my mind I wasn’t surprised that you moved on. Still it doesn’t make it any easier, but it’s the truth and that’s all I want between us – the truth.”
Hearing him say that’s all he wants from me pushes me to do what I know I have to. My heart is with Bain, it has been since the moment I laid eyes on him and acted like he did nothing to me. My future is with Bain as well. Yeah, it might be a little more uncertain than what Nate and I had planned, but it’s what I want. “If you want me to be honest with you, my heart is with Bain.”
He leans back and looks at my expression, like I am joking. “Arion, please. Please don’t do this.”
“Nate, I’m sorry, trust me,” I say doing my best to hold back the tears. “I’m not saying I don’t love you, because I do and some part of me always will. But what I have with Bain is different, the hold he has over me is something I’ve never known.”
“I can give you that too. I can give you anything you want. You said it yourself that you still love me. Let’s at least give this a try.”
Taking my hands, I remove his from around me and look him straight in the eyes. “I’m sorry, Nate, so sorry.”
He places his hands on his thighs and looks up to the ceiling, exhaling.