“Mom, is everything okay?”
“No, baby, it’s not. It’s really not.”
“What’s the matter? Why have you been calling me over and over?”
“I only called you once.”
She sniffles and I ask again, “What’s the matter, Mom?”
“That asshole took a plea deal.”
“What? For how long?”
“Not long enough, something crazy like twelve to twenty years.”
“Fuck,” I snap and sink to my knees, my back leaning against the frame of our bed. “That fucking asshole fucking killed her.”
“I know,” she says crying. “It’s not long enough.”
“Mom, it doesn’t matter what they sentenced him to, it’d never be long enough. Does Dad know?”
“No, I have to call him now.”
“Do you want me to come down there?”
“No, you stay home and take care of yourself and Arion. I’m gonna call your dad. If you talk to the DA, will you please let me know if she says anything new.”
“I will, Mom.”
We hang up and my mom’s words replay in my mind, Take care of Arion. I can’t do that if she isn’t here, but I couldn’t tell my mom. I check the call log and notice she is the one who called. Right away I dial her back. My body courses with anxiety. I’ve been waiting for what feels like forever to talk to her.
“Hey,” she answers in a quiet tone.
I almost cry at the sound of her voice. “Hey,” I respond back, trying to keep myself calm.
“How are you?” she asks me.
“Baby, I can’t answer that. I need you here.”
“I’m sorry, Bain.”
“Me too,” I whisper.
“Are you coming home soon?”
“I don’t know what I’m going to do. I know I woke up missing you and needed to hear your voice.”
“God, I miss you. You have no idea how brutal it is without you. You should come home. Please.”
She’s quiet for a moment, then says, “I need to make my mind up first.”
“What’s to figure out?”
“Come on, Bain, don’t be a dick.”
“It’s a legit question.”
“I need to sort everything out in my head. I’ve only seen Nate once.”
That’s why she wanted to go to Aubrey’s, so that she could be close to him. Fuck, I’m slowly losing her. She is slipping from my grasp.
“Are you there?” she asks.
“I’m here. I’m just a little shocked that you are hanging out with him, that’s all.”
“It’s not like that, our dog died, so I had to go over there.”
“Oh…I’m sorry, baby. Listen I’m probably not the best person to be talking to right now. I’m not myself when I’m not with you and I got some really shitty news about the trial just now, then you tell me that you are hanging out with Nate. It’s all a lot to handle. Arion, please remember what you promised me.”
“Of course. Bain, I’m sorry.”
“Me too,” I tell her and hang up angrily, cutting her off as she begins to speak again.
I know deep down that this isn’t the way that I should be acting, but I don’t give a fuck at this point. She won’t come home.
I look out into the rest of the house and spot the bottle of pills that Lawrence gave me. I know I said I wouldn’t do it just minutes ago, but I also never expected hearing that the asshole who took Kinsey’s life would be getting a fucking measly twelve years in jail then out walking the earth. Then Arion tells me that she’s seen Nate and isn’t coming straight home and it’s all too much to handle. I open the bottle of pills and pour them into my hand, counting how many I have left. Damn, I took twice as many as I should have last night. No wonder I crashed on the carpet.
I decide on popping a few right now. I’m actually excited for the high that I’m about to receive. That’s the beauty of pills. They give you something to look forward to. Even in the depths of despair, the darkest of all days, one tiny white pill can shine light on you like the sun does from up above.
I begin with two pills and head to the couch. Soon, that’s not enough and I take another two. Letting the sensation of my euphoric high take over. If I close my eyes for long enough, I can feel Arion on top of me. This is right where I want to be, with her, always and forever.
With my head in my hands, I just don’t know what to do. I’ve been up for half of the night trying to decide between Bain and Nate. The problem is that both of them are so amazing and I love them both so much that the decision is agonizing.
Aubrey finally wakes up, walking into the living room with a messy mound of her brown hair piled on top of her head. “Morning,” she says.
“Hi.” I roll over and pull my feet up so she can sit next to my feet.
“How did you sleep?”
I can’t help but laugh. “I didn’t.”
“Damn, I’m sorry, girl. Did you talk to Bain?”
“Yeah. Finally, this morning he called.”
“And?”
“He’s not good, at all.”