I search the house looking for him, worried that he is passed out somewhere from so much alcohol and the pills, but only find his cell phone lying on our bed. I can tell it hasn’t been slept in since I made it.
I’m starting to panic surrounded by all of this craziness. The room begins to spin and I know I have to stop the panic attack before it starts. I drop to my knees right where I am and put my head between my legs, breathing as many deep and heavy breaths as I can manage.
Don’t pass out. Don’t pass out. Then I force myself to crawl to my backpack to retrieve my pills. It will calm me right down and let me focus on what the fuck to do. I swallow the pill and sit, focusing on not fainting. Everything is going to be all right.
Thinking about what to do, I decide to call James. If anyone has tabs on Bain, it’s him. I dial him and sit with my back against the wall.
Walking away from Arion has to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’ve done it once and I promised myself if given another opportunity, I’d never do it again. But this is what she wants and I cannot fight that. Listening to her talk about Bain and how happy she is, plus feeling how disconnected she was in my arms today was all of the reassurance I needed to know that for now I have to let her go. Even though I don’t want to, I have to.
In life, one of the cruelest lessons you learn is that sometimes the right decision is the hardest one to make. Sitting in the car with my dad as we head to one of my appointments, both of us are silent. What can I say? He knows me well enough to tell by the look on my face that I just need some space right now.
In all honesty, I’d be lying if I said that this is something that I didn’t expect. Because I did, from the moment in Germany when she didn’t arrive with my parents. But like I said to her, I’m in no shape to take care of her or anyone else for that matter. I’m fucked up, not only physically, but also mentally.
“You know, maybe therapy today will help,” my dad says.
Seriously? “Dad, come on. You know nothing is going to help.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Are you? You haven’t even asked me what happened.”
He takes his eyes off the road to briefly stare at me. “I just know you, and you don’t like talking about your feelings.”
“I don’t, but holding it all in isn’t helping.”
“You can always talk to me, you know that. Are you hanging in there?”
“No,” I respond shaking my head, barely able to hold back the tears.
“I’m sorry, Nate.”
“I guess it is what it is. Her heart is with Bain and I saw that, so I had to let her go.”
“What?” he asks.
“I can’t be the man she needs right now. She knows I love her and I always will. I’ll always be waiting with open arms if things change.”
“Jesus, Nate, I’m shocked, I can’t believe you didn’t fight for her and you just agreed to let her go.”
“I did, don’t get me wrong. I tried to convince her, but when I saw how adamant she was, I knew it was an uphill battle. Dad, the look of relief on her face when I left made me know I made the right decision. So for a while, let’s not talk about Arion.”
“If that’s what you prefer, of course. But I have to be honest with you, I still think that you’re going to look back on this after some time and regret not fighting for her. The other day, when you had her in your arms, that is the happiest that I have seen you in years.”
“I know and I’ll always hold on to these last few days. Maybe I will regret things later, but for now I did what I felt was right for her.”
My dad doesn’t say another word on the drive, the only sound between us is the road beneath the tires of his car. My insides are a knotted ball of pain and regret. I don’t know why it’s hit me so hard and so fast, but it has. I felt fine for a little while, but now with my dad’s words I feel regret creeping in the worst way and I just want to make it stop. Leaning my head back I take slow, deep breaths needing to put myself into a calm state.
This is the same thing I did while I was held hostage. At times I wanted to lose my mind, but I knew that wouldn’t help anything. Especially because once my captors left me, I was alone, I couldn’t see, and moving only made things worse.
After breathing for what feels like an hour, nothing has changed except for my anxiety spiking. Checking the clock it’s been about three minutes. Inside, the regret eats me up, and I begin to think maybe my dad was right. I probably should have fought for her; I should have tried to convince her even more that our love was stronger than anything Bain could give her. But I remind myself that this is what is best for her and her happiness. It doesn’t matter how I feel inside. Arion is all that matters.
…
“I don’t know, James, it’s not like him to not have his phone on him. Have you talked to him at all today?” I leave out the fact of the pills and alcohol and that the house is destroyed.
“No, I haven’t. Not since last night.”
“Jesus, I’m so worried something is wrong with him.”