“I’m not. This is all just a fucking nightmare.”
“I’m sorry. I can’t even imagine what you are dealing with.” I take a deep breath letting her words sink into my head. Neither could I, until now. Aubrey heads into the kitchen and asks me, “Do you want a beer?”
“Yeah.”
As I sit on her couch, I’m taken back to the day that I made the decision to leave New Jersey. I never thought when Bain and I drove away to embark on our future that something like this would happen. God, everything feels like it has washed away, and now here I am in the clusterfuck that is my life.
“Here, sweetie,” Aubrey says handing me my drink. Without even thinking, I take a long sip, allowing the alcohol to burn on its way down.
“So what’s going through your mind?” she asks me.
“Everything,” I quip back, barely able to keep myself from crying.
“Be a little more specific please.”
“Aubrey, what the fuck do you want me to say?”
“How about where does your head stand right now?”
“I’m at a loss, very confused, and scared. I know I need to see Nate, and last time that didn’t go well. But I have to do it. Then when I do, what do I say? On the other hand, I have Bain at home, hurting in the most unimaginable way, because I left him.”
“A, I really think at this time you need to only think about yourself. I know that sounds selfish, but if they keep burdening you, trying to make you choose, it’s not gonna help you make the right choice. You need to make a decision based on yourself, okay?”
I nod my head, hearing what she is saying. I know that is what I have to do now; just doing it is a whole different thing.
“Clearly, you still have feelings for Nate, or you wouldn’t have left Bain.”
“I love him. Dammit, Aubrey, I love them both.”
“I know, sweetie.”
“Let’s talk about Nate. Besides the incident at your house, have you talked to him?”
“No, not at all.”
“Do you want to?” she asks.
I think about her question for a moment, then answer. “I do.”
“So, I think you need to get that handled first. I hate to say that Bain will be waiting for you, but he will.”
I take another sip of my beer and sink down into the couch.
“What if I don’t feel anything for Nate anymore?”
“Then you go back to Bain.”
“But what if I feel what I had with Nate, like he’d never left?”
“Then you have a tough decision to make, but I really don’t think that you will. I think your heart will pull you towards one or the other.”
She’s probably right. “I’m sorry to come barge into your house like this with all of this drama about me. I should have asked, how you’re doing?”
“I’m fine. And you don’t need to be sorry at all. This is what friends do.”
She wraps her arm around me and we sit in silence, sipping our beers. Then my phone chimes in the distance and I get up to check it. “Are you hungry?” she asks.
“Not really, but I haven’t eaten much for days, so I probably should.”
“I think I have an old, frozen pizza in here from ages ago I can heat up.” I can’t help but laugh.
“Sounds good.”
My phone shows a missed text from Bain. Fuck, I miss you. I love you so much, baby.
Before I respond, I think about his text and how to write him back.
“Who was it?” Aubrey asks.
“Bain.” I pass her my phone and say, “I don’t know how to respond.”
“A, the best advice that I can give you is to be honest with both of them, always, throughout all of this. What does your heart tell you to say?”
“I love and miss him.”
“So text that back and let it go for now. I think you have a bigger obstacle ahead of you with seeing Nate. What are you going to say to him and how can you be sure that you don’t have another panic attack and end up in the hospital?”
“You sound just like Bain. Like I told him, Nate caught me off guard. This time, I’ll be prepared to see him.”
How the fuck did this happen? How the fuck did this happen? As I sit on the floor of the living room completely shaken up and bloody, my body is unsure. One minute everything was fine, then the next, one of my worst nightmares came true.
“Why don’t you shower, sweetheart?” my mom asks me.
I shake my head looking up at her. Again feeling like a failure of a person.
My dad finally walks back inside. Pain is written all over his face. He looks just as upset as I am. “How are you, son?” he asks kneeling next to me and rests his hand on my back.
I shake my head, not able to answer him.
“You did everything you could.”
“No, I didn’t. If I had both legs, I could have run to him faster.”
“I’m sorry, son. I hate to ask, but the vet wants to know if you want his ashes back.”
“Fuck!” I shout, knowing that we are going to have to break the news to Arion that Zeus died. I can’t imagine hurting her again, I just can’t.