I nod my head, clearly seeing that he is getting frustrated.
“Arion, please, baby. I’m begging you, I can’t…” He puts his head in his hands and it kills me to see him like this. Tears stream down my face watching my actions cause him this much distress.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper.
“Me too, Arion. Me too.”
The server brings our food over and sets it in front of us. Bain looks at it with as much enthusiasm as I do.
“I can’t eat,” he says.
“Me neither.”
Finally he looks up at me. He’s so broken. Maybe I shouldn’t leave. Maybe I should just stay at our house. I break our gaze, not able to look into his eyes anymore.
“Are you ready?” he asks me.
I nod my head and go to stand. He holds his hand out to me, and I grab it. I’m still unsure how we ended up in this situation. It was never my intention to hurt him, but that is exactly what’s happening.
On the walk home, neither of us speaks. We just take our time, with the occasional photo and shouts at Bain. Walking at this slower pace, Bain lowers the brim of his hat. I know he’s not in the mood to deal with fans right now. My mind races a million miles a minute and I wish that I could turn it off, to just enjoy this time with Bain. As I look over at him, in a pair of basketball shorts and a t-shirt, he is the sexiest man alive.
I used to think that about Nate, but things are so different now. As I weigh the pros and cons of both guys, it’s just too much to handle and I know that I need to go to Aubrey’s. As much as I wish I could stay at our place in the city, I just can’t.
I need clarity, another person’s perspective. I know Aubrey can give me that and she invited me to come and stay with her. She is my best friend after all.
As we walk into the condo, I feel sick that I’m about to leave not only Bain, but our home. I wish it wasn’t this way, but my heart is telling me that this is what needs to be done and I have to follow that. Bain flops down on the couch, throwing his arm over his eyes. I grab my phone and text Aubrey. I told Bain. I’m gonna pack some stuff and head your way.
I’m here, doll. Call me on the drive if you want.
Before I just go and pack my shit, I sit down on the couch next to Bain’s feet. He lifts his arm and looks at me, then covers his eyes again.
“Trust me, baby, if I thought there was any other way I could make this decision, then I would. But I really need some time away to just focus on what’s best to do right now.”
“Arion, I’m sorry, but I don’t agree with you leaving me. I think it’s absolute bullshit.”
“I’m sorry, Bain, please know that.” I stand and walk to our room, tears streaming down my face. As quick as I can, I grab my backpack and shove as many clothes in it as will fit. Then I collect my purse, putting my iPad and phone in it.
I take my things and set them by the front door and go back to Bain. He’s still in the same spot. This time I kneel on the floor next to him and pull his arm off of his eyes. He’s a mess, but so am I.
“I love you,” I tell him.
“I love you too,” he responds. “How long are you going to be gone for?”
I shake my head, not able to give him an answer.
He frowns, shaking his head back at me and I kiss his lips. The second our mouths connect, it is pure passion. Everything inside of me burns and I know that I have to stop it. But Bain takes his hands, grabbing the back of my hair and weaves them in, holding me close. I love the way he controls me and he knows that. I can tell what he is trying to do.
He’s hoping that he can distract me, which normally would work, but right now I have to be strong for myself. In order for me to decide what to do, I have to leave.
Even though it weighs so heavily on my heart and hurts to the point where I just want to give up, I can’t. I can’t because I know both Bain and Nate are depending on me.
As I pull away from Bain, he sits up not wanting to let me go. But I break our kiss and tell him, “Goodbye.”
He sits there shaking his head, and with all of my will and my strength, I move forward. My heart burns and my throat feels like it’s going to completely close at any moment. It reminds me of my medication, which I grab from the kitchen counter and drop into my purse. I can’t bring myself to look back at Bain; instead I grab my car keys and open the door. Quietly, I pull it closed behind me, and the second it’s shut, my body wants to collapse on the floor, just like I did the day Nate was standing in the hallway.
But I will myself forward, my strength persevering. On the elevator ride down, I open my bottle of pills, taking one for my anxiety, hoping it will bring me back to reality and restore some normalcy with my breathing.
“Oh my God, I’m so glad you’re here,” Aubrey tells me as she embraces me in a huge hug.
“Thank you for letting me stay with you.”
We separate and I set my bags on the floor.
“How are you holding up? You don’t look so hot.”