We slide on some flip-flops and leave hand in hand. She doesn’t slow or falter in the hallway, like I’d worried. This is the first time we’ve left since we came home. I’d been anxious about how she would handle stepping foot in the spot that her breakdown happened, but it’s like nothing to her. I seem to be more stressed about it. On the elevator ride down, she hugs me and I tightly hold her back, resting my chin atop her hair.
The lobby is quiet. Herbert is off today and for once I’m kind of thankful. With all of the stress flowing through me, I’m not in the mood to talk. Once we emerge into the noisy busyness of New York City, the sun is warm and I go to hail us a cab.
“Let’s walk,” she says, stopping me by grabbing my arm.
She never wants to walk, as it always seems that I get recognized, so I’m a little thrown off by her request. “You sure?” I ask.
She nods her head, wrapping her hand tightly around mine and we head off. I love how confident she is leaving the house at the drop of a hat, with no make-up on, messy hair, and whatever clothes she threw on.
Internally, I again want to bring up the fact that I don’t want her to see Nate alone, but how can I? I know it will ruin our lunch. “I’m surprised no one is recognizing you,” she says.
“Right? It feels good,” I respond, as we round the corner on our last leg to the Café.
“Bain, I want you to know that no matter what happens, I love you, okay?”
“I know, babe, and I love you. Can I ask you a question?” She nods her head looking up at me with those gorgeous light eyes. “Are you doubting us? I mean, are you having second thoughts that we are going to stay together?”
“No! I mean, I don’t know. I just…I just want you to know that I really and truly love you.”
“I know that and I can’t imagine my life without you, I love you just as much. I know what we’re facing is difficult, but can you promise me one thing?”
“Of course.”
“If you talk to Nate, will you please talk things over with me afterwards? I mean, you owe me at least that much, right?”
“Of course I will.”
She nods her head and I stop us right in the middle of the sidewalk. There are people bustling by, but I don’t notice any of them except for her. She’s all I ever see. Taking her head in my hands, I thread my fingers into her hair. Her eyes look at me searchingly, and I claim her mouth. Wrapping my lips around hers, tight and hard. I kiss her with all of my might. My tongue barges access to her mouth and she accepts me, wrapping her arms around me.
As I stand here and kiss her, showing not only her, but the world that she is mine, tears fill my eyes, tears of fear and worry. She is truly my everything, and without her…I am nothing.
Standing on the side of this busy New York street with Bain, we embrace and kiss. I feel a passion inside of me that only he makes me feel. But still nagging at the back of my head is Nate – my Nate. He is alive and back. It’s something I only dreamt of, but now it’s true. I give Bain everything that I am, knowing what I must do.
Thinking about my plan makes my insides heat with anxiety, I’m not sure how he is going to handle things, but I know in order to work through all of this, I have to take a break. Once he pulls away, his face is red and cheeks are tear stained. I hate that a simple kiss can do this, but right now it can.
Bain smiles at me and we continue to walk. My appetite is no longer there. Well, truth be told, it hasn’t been there at all lately. I begin to replay in my mind what I’m going to say, but it all jumbles together and I know I’m just going to say how I feel and wing it, hoping for the best.
When we enter the Metro, it’s slow, and both of us take a moment to look over the menu. I try to decide on something that will be light on my stomach and order a bowl of soup. Bain orders a pasta bowl, then we both sit down to wait for our food. He hasn’t said much since our kiss and neither have I. I can sense his eyes all over me. The same way they were the night that we first met. But that night, I was free. Yeah, I was in pain, but I didn’t have the weight of another pulling me towards them. Though it had been difficult to decide between holding on to the pain of losing Nate or letting go of it to allow myself to move on. If only I’d known then, what I know now.
“Arion?”
“Yeah,” I respond.
“I can’t take the silence, baby. Please, say something, anything. I need to know what you’re thinking.”
With one heavy exhale, I look him right in the eye. “I’m going to stay with Aubrey ’til I can figure out what I want. I need a clear perspective on things and—”
He cuts me off, “No, no, no, no, no. Please, baby, no. Anything but that. I’ll leave our house if you need the space, but not her house.”
“Why?” I ask confused.
“Because it’s minutes from his and I’m too far away if something should happen to you.”
“Oh, Bain, I appreciate you worrying, but Aubrey has next week off of work, so she’ll be there with me. I really need to just clear my mind. I can’t do that at our house.”
“So you already talked to her about this?”