I squeezed in between him and the window so he was forced to look at me. “Caleb, before the accident you wanted me. Do you still want me?”
The longest two minutes of my life came next. I started to walk away. He grabbed my arm.
I was already crying. I didn’t want him to see.
“Leah, look at me.”
I did.
“I’ve been really selfish-“
“I don’t care,” I rushed, “you were confused.”
“I knew what I was doing.”
I stared at him. “What do you mean?”
He swore and ran his hand through his hair.
There was a knock at the door.
“Damnit … damnit!” He pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes, before stalking off to answer it.
It was Luca and Steve. I grabbed my purse and ran to the bathroom to fix my face before they could see me. If my mother had taught me anything in life, it was not to get caught with your emotions out.
“Leah!” she exclaimed when I walked out of the bathroom. She moved like a cat toward me. I resisted the urge to back up. The difference between Luca and my mother was a tremendous amount of sincerity and maternal love. This woman loved her son in ways I was completely unfamiliar with. It was unconditional. I envied him that. Something about her need to always embrace me, made me uncomfortable. I felt sized up every time she did it, like she was testing my bones to see if they were worthy of her son. I let her, looking at Caleb over her shoulder. He watched us with a strange expression on his face.
When she pulled away, she kept a hold on my upper arms and looked me in the eyes.
“Caleb, this girl…” She looked over her shoulder at him, then back at me with tears in her eyes. “This girl is a rarity.”
My surprise must have been evident on my face. She hugged me again. “Thank you, Leah. You have been so loyal to my son. A mother couldn’t ask for anything better.”
I wasn’t the only one in shock. Caleb’s face ranged between full-on astonishment and confusion.
When I caught his eye, he shrugged and smiled.
They stayed for the majority of the night, talking and drinking champagne — which they’d brought to celebrate. I left when they did. At the door, Caleb caught me by the wrist before I could walk away.
“Leah,” his voice was husky. “My mother was right. No matter what, you stuck with me. Even when...”
I shook my head. “I don’t want to talk about that.” Her.
He narrowed his eyes. I felt like he was seeing me for the first time in months.
“You didn’t have to. It’s a shame it took my mother to point that out to me.”
“What are you saying, Caleb?”
“I’ve taken you for granted. Your loyalty. Your trust. I’m sorry.”
He pulled me toward him and wrapped me in a hug. I didn’t know what his words meant for us, but I was sure as hell going to stick around to see.
“I’ll walk you to your car.”
I nodded, swiping at my tears with my fingertips.
Please, God, don’t let him hurt me.
Chapter Nineteen
Present
Sam is on my side — or at least I think he is. He doesn’t judge me. I like that. He knows the basics of what happened between Caleb and me. So far, he hasn’t asked any probing questions. I almost want him to.
I feel like we’re a team. He cleans the house, keeps me fed, does the laundry and tells me when to feed the baby.
I feed the baby.
Sometimes I watch when he gives her a bath and hand him the towel.
Motherhood isn’t nearly as hard as I thought. Except when it is.
Caleb doesn’t call.
Caleb doesn’t call.
“What’s with all the tattoos?” I ask him one day. He has his sleeves rolled up to the elbows and he’s gently rinsing the soap from the baby’s hair. He looks at me out of the corner of his eye. I trace the pictures with my finger, something I’ve never done before … to anyone. It’s a mess of artwork: a pirate ship, a lotus flower, and an incredibly tacky spider web. When I reach his elbow, he raises his eyebrows. “Would you like me to take my shirt off so you can continue?”
“There’s more?”
He smirks and lifts the baby out of the bath. “If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were attracted to me.”
I cackle. Really. It’s kind of embarrassing.
“You’re gay, Sam. And no offense, but I’m not really into the Kurt Cobain, tattooed look.”
Sam carries the baby into the nursery and sets her on the changing table. “I hope you’re at least into the Kurt Cobain sound, then.”
I swallow. God. I feel dizzy all of a sudden.
I’m shaking my head before words can make it past my lips. “I listened when I was younger.”
He looks at me quizzically.
“I’m gonna go get something to drink…” I slip out of the room before he can say anything else, but instead of going to the kitchen, I head for my bedroom. I shut the door as quietly as possible and crawl onto my bed.
Breathe, Leah.
I am trying to think of happy things, things my therapist gave me to focus on, but all I can hear are the words to a Nirvana song, echoing so loudly in my head I want to scream.
I scream into my pillow. I hate that. I’m a goddamn mess and there is nothing I can do about it. When my heart stops racing, I go downstairs and get a drink of water.