He stares at her and then turns to me. “I wanted her for you. But there was a huge part of me that worried how you’d ever survive the loss of another baby. So the pregnancy was another way I thought I’d lose my wife. And in a small way I didn’t think we deserved her.”
It’s heartbreaking how two people who genuinely loved each other can go so far off track. I had my fault in this. I pushed him away and made everything in our world revolve around getting pregnant. It was the only thing I could focus on most of the time. But I did try to be there with him. I never stopped loving him, and I couldn’t imagine seeking out another person. Aaron isn’t a bad guy, he made bad choices.
“Instead of talking to me though, you sought out another woman?”
“You know how you’re torn apart right now? You probably feel like you’re split in two. I know you love me, Natalie. I see how you want to hate me, but you can’t. We have a child, a life, and memories.” He takes my hand in his.
I look over at Aaron with watery eyes. “I’m begging you, please don’t do this to me today.”
My emotions are everywhere and today . . . I just can’t. It’s a conversation we could have tomorrow or the next day, because today my heart hurts. I miss Liam. I had to see him off, and it’s too much to process this heavy of a discussion.
“I’ve spent a year away, baby. I know who I want, and maybe with Liam away, we can find our way back. He’s not able to interfere and you’ll see I’m where your heart really is.”
“You couldn’t give me today? You had to say it . . .” I’m not even angry just hurt.
It was selfish to come at me about this today. He knows my defenses are down, and he’s fighting dirty. I don’t need selfish . . . I need strong. I deserve someone who’s going to take my feelings into account. With Aaron it’s all about him. He saw the opportunity before him and tried to break me. Liam may not be here, but that doesn’t mean my heart and soul aren’t filled with him.
“Lee,” he squeezes my hand and I pull it back. “I just figured . . .”
“You figured he’s gone and you have an opening. Knowing what it feels like to leave behind people you love and what he must be feeling. You’ve spoken to me the day after you left. You know how sad I was. This,” I point between us, “isn’t what we’re discussing today. I can’t even possibly think about us. So please, don’t be a self-centered asshole for today and let me put myself together.”
I stand, grab Aarabelle, and head into the kitchen. Too bad it’s not even noon or I’d contemplate a damn drink.
The routine over the next few weeks after Liam leaves is exhausting. I email every morning, usually I can catch him online and then we Skype. Seeing his face makes those days a lot easier. I don’t have to imagine the angles of his face or the way his jaw curves at just the right place. His blue eyes are the perfect color of crystal blue and the full-blown beard he sports makes me melt.
He’s there on my screen, alive and smiling.
“Hi,” I smile coyly.
“How are you, sweetheart?” Liam asks rolling onto his side. His shirt is off and he’s been doing that a lot lately. Not that I mind.
“Better now.” I sound like a lovesick twit. Which I guess I am.
Liam smiles and stretches, giving me a full view of his chest and abs. “Me too. Seeing you is the highlight of my day.”
“Put a shirt on.”
“Take yours off.”
I deadpan and wait for him to laugh, but he just raises a brow. “Fine,” I reply playfully and take off my top. I have my cute bra on and he leans in close as if that’ll help him see better.
“Bra . . .”
“Not happening, buddy.”
He huffs, “You get to see my chest, it’s only fair.”
I reach behind my back and then Aarabelle screams on the monitor. I laugh and sit up. “Looks like Aara has other plans. No dirty Skype session for you.”
“Ugh,” he groans and flops back. “Go get her, I want to see her too.”
I smile and get my shirt back on, “I’ll be right back.”
Liam nods and I rush into Aarabelle’s room. Aaron usually sleeps in the spare bedroom off to the right, but the last two nights he hasn’t come back. He’s been sleeping at Mark’s, or so he says.
“Wanna see Liam?” I ask her as she bounces holding onto her crib. She smiles and gives me my morning kisses.
“Aarabelle!” he exclaims and now is suddenly in a shirt.
She smiles and presses her hand by the screen. “Dadada,” she calls him and looks at me still beaming.
“Hi, beautiful! She’s getting bigger.”
“Yeah, she and I are both apparently gaining weight,” I laugh. I swear I’ve always been an emotional eater, but this is ridiculous.
“You’re both beautiful,” Liam says as Aarabelle tries to touch him through the computer.
“Dada, up?” she says with her arms raised.
“Awww, she wants you to pick her up.” I smile at how much Aarabelle connects with Liam. She calls Aaron the same name but she still won’t lie with him.