“I never gave it to you. I couldn’t.”
The words hang in the air between us, but they have to be said. The guilt of being the person to say them weighs heavily on me. “We need to separate. I need to move forward with my life.”
Aaron stands and takes my hand. “I never did this to hurt you.”
“How did you think it wouldn’t? Being pregnant while you had your mistress pregnant? Or sleeping with her and then coming home and telling me about how our child would finally be here? If you didn’t want to hurt me, you shouldn’t have kept going back. But here’s the thing—I love Liam. I know that’s so incredibly hurtful to you, but he’s who I want to be with.”
I could go further to tell him all the reasons why Liam and I are meant to be, but it wouldn’t help heal us. And for Aarabelle’s sake, we need to be civil, and truth be told, he’s been my best friend since I was a kid. Aaron knows about the first time I snuck out of the house and drank. He was the one who taught me how to drive a car. He carried me down the street when I fell and broke my leg. In his arms I remember thinking how we’d always be together.
I was young and na?ve. It doesn’t diminish my memories, but it was an immature way of thinking.
“And if you and Liam weren’t together?”
I take his other hand in mine. “I would still be saying goodbye. I can’t get past the images of you two. I can’t forget the pain I endured alone during all of that. Wondering if you left after I told you about Aarabelle to go to her. These are the thoughts I play over and over. I can’t live like that. Then there’s the fact that even when you had all the time in the world to come back, be a different man . . . you didn’t. You lied to me—repeatedly.”
Aaron releases my hands and holds my face. “I’ll never know how I was able to do it to you.”
I hold his wrists and pull his hands down. “I’m not angry. I will always be your friend.”
My head starts to spin and I wobble a little.
“Whoa, are you okay?” Aaron asks, but everything sounds far away.
“I don’t feel good.” I sit on the bed and the room spins a little. “I think my blood sugar is low.”
“I’ll get you some juice.” Aaron leaves the room and I lie here thinking about all that’s happened the last few weeks. Him being alive, Liam and I dealing with the aftermath, Liam deploying, and now Brittany.
He returns and I sip the juice. I need to do better at taking care of myself. All of this stress is going to wear me down.
“Aaron?” I pull his attention back to me. “I want you to know I don’t hate you. Maybe if things had unfolded differently we wouldn’t be able to talk like this. But in a way, you being gone might have saved a lifelong friendship.”
He sits beside me. “I lost myself before the explosion. I loved you, but it was almost hard to come home. I would look at you and it was like we weren’t Aaron and Natalie. Does that make sense?”
I nod, “I get it. When you died, I blocked it all out. I literally couldn’t remember how bad things were. I needed to only remember how much I loved you and how wonderful you were. Then, it all came undone.”
“I think I’ll move out this weekend. I’ve been putting it off, but I can’t keep doing this. I’ll always love you, Natalie.” Aaron lifts his hand and then drops it.
I smile sadly. This is harder than I expected. I know where my heart lies, but having this conversation is immensely sad. The strings that tied us together will be snipped by our own choices. This isn’t death where you feel robbed of your decisions. “You’ll always have a place in my heart. And you’ll always be a part of Aarabelle’s life.”
He leans in and kisses the top of my head. The pain in his eyes breaks me a little more. Aaron doesn’t speak as he exits the room, and when the door shuts, I grab my pillow and cry for the marriage I just lost again.
“I’ve got a few things on the calendar I need to make sure we’re ready for,” Mark says in his command voice.
We had a small issue on the mission in Kuwait. Some of the guys had rounds missing that I know for a fact I ordered. It reminds us all of the problems that led to Aaron’s explosion and Jackson’s shooting. All of us are on edge and double-checking everything. There’ve been two more things that seemed fishy, but we caught them before anything could happen.
“I don’t know what the fuck is going on, but until we do, everyone is on their ‘A’ game. I want nothing overlooked, and if you have to check it ten times, then do it. I won’t have another life lost on our watch.”
Everyone nods and starts to filter out.
“Lee, can you hold up a minute?” Mark asks.
“What’s up?”
“I want to run a few things by you and make sure we’re all on the same page.”
I tilt my head wondering where he could be going with this. “Okay?”