“I don’t understand.”
“I can’t watch you leave and then have to keep it together. I don’t know if I can handle it,” I admit. I hold back the rest of my concerns because I know he can’t worry about it. He needs to be focused, and my fears will only weigh him down.
Liam rubs my arms and stays quiet. “Then we’ll say goodbye at my apartment. I don’t want you to drive if you’re going to be upset.”
“Of course I’m going to be upset. You’re leaving for six months. We’re barely at a secure place in our relationship,” letting more out than I planned.
Liam grabs my hand as we sit on the bench with the water behind us. “There’s a lot I worry about with leaving. Aaron is living in the house and I won’t be around. I worry it’ll be easy for you both to fall back into your old life. I wonder if when I’m gone you’ll think it’s too much.” He looks at our hands, and I follow his gaze.
His fears are valid. We have a lot of obstacles in our way, but small holes of doubt will only leave gaping issues. There are no guarantees. Neither of us can assure the other that the fears we are struggling with aren’t real.
“I worry you won’t make it home. That I’ll be dealing with this all over again,” I huff. “We’re quite a pair.”
“I’ll do everything I can to be sure I come home to you.”
“I promise to handle things with Aaron so we can move forward.”
We both stay silent as we make the only promises we can to each other. They aren’t concrete and I can only assume mine doesn’t give him great comfort. I refuse to make things worse for him, but I can’t lie.
“How do we do this, Lee? I may sound like a fucking idiot, but I don’t know how to do a deployment with someone at home.”
I sometimes forget that in a way we’re both learning all over again. Liam hasn’t ever had to think about the consequences of his actions at home. I’ve heard from Aaron and Quinn how he’s the risk taker. While he never gambles with anyone else’s life, he’s more than willing to put himself in danger for the success of the mission.
My head rests on his chest while I try to form the right words. “Well, you focus on coming home, I guess. We email, Skype, write letters, and you call when you can.”
“Do we get to naughty Skype?” he asks and raises his brow.
I start to giggle and slap his leg. “You’re so stupid.”
“Imagine how fun it would be . . .” he trails off with a glimmer in his eye.
“We’ll have to see how well you behave,” I toy with him.
I nestle back into his chest and try not to let my worries get too far ahead of me. He’ll be safe and he’ll come home. That’s going to be my new mantra, because otherwise I’ll lose my mind.
“I’ll do my best to keep in touch with you. You know once we go to wherever we’re needed, I won’t be able to, but I’ll do everything I can to let you know it’s coming. It just depends on how long we’ll be in Germany before heading to whatever hellhole we’re needed in,” he says before kissing the top of my head.
“Yeah, last time Aaron went to Germany he was only on a mission for two weeks. It’s so hard for most wives to understand these new deployments. I mean, just send you guys from here. I hated when he’d be gone for what felt like no reason.” Liam stays quiet and I wonder if I’ve upset him. I lean up and see him looking off. “Liam?”
He looks back and gives a small smile. “I know you were married to him. I get it, but right now, it feels different when you talk about your life with him. Maybe I’m a prick, but before when we thought he was dead, it didn’t feel like I was competing as much as I am now.”
“You weren’t then, and you aren’t now.” My voice rings strong with honesty.
“I’m having to adjust to the fact that when you think of him, he’s sleeping in your house.”
“I can’t just kick him out. Regardless of what he did and who I choose, he’s Aarabelle’s father. He’s been through hell and back, and he was my husband,” I speak the words measuredly. I know he’s not asking me to kick him out, and I can’t imagine how hard this is for Liam.
“This is why I thought we should take a break during the deployment,” Liam says and lets out a heavy sigh.
I sit up and wait for him to turn his gaze back to me. “Is that what you need?”
He waits and closes his eyes. “I don’t know. I don’t want that. I honestly don’t know how the fuck I’m going to be thousands of miles away and not wonder.”
“Do you trust me?” I ask.
Liam grips my hand and tangles his fingers with mine. “I trust you, Lee. But I’m a guy and you being in a house with another guy—one that wants you back—is a lot to carry. Imagine knowing I was going to be with someone I loved once.”