We dressed quickly, and even though I didn’t see anything else unusual as we made our way off the beach, I still couldn’t shake the feeling that we were being watched. I could have sworn that what I’d seen earlier was a camera flash of some kind, but I hoped that I was wrong. I kept telling myself that my mind was playing tricks on me, or that Dex was right about it simply being a headlight from the other side of the dunes.
I wasn’t normally so paranoid, but lately, I’d become increasingly wary. After all the weird phone calls and the strange visit from the mystery guy at work, I often found myself glancing over my shoulder and was constantly on the lookout. It was nothing more than a feeling—like the hairs on the back of my neck standing up—and so far I hadn’t seen anything to justify it. I hadn’t mentioned any of it to Dex because I knew how protective he was and I didn’t want him to worry when it might be nothing. It was probably all the stress over my past that was causing me to act irrationally, and I was creating unnecessary drama in my head to distract myself from the real drama in my life. I needed to stop making something out of nothing.
Dex paused as he pulled into my driveway, his eyes fixed on something further down the road. “I think that’s Nate’s car,” he said, parking the truck and climbing out. “What the hell is he doing here?”
I followed his gaze and sure enough, Nate’s old Camero was parked on the side of the street, almost completely out of sight and concealed behind a cluster of bushes. It would have been impossible to see if not for the bright orange paint job, and I wondered why he didn’t just park in the driveway.
“He must be looking for me,” Dex said. “Shit, what if something happened to Amy or Sadie?”
He began tearing up the stairs to Amy’s apartment, and I followed behind him. I had a sneaking suspicion that Nate had other reasons for being there, but before I could stop Dex, he was barging through the front door. He stopped suddenly when he got inside, causing me to nearly run right into him.
When I realized what had stopped him, I wasn’t sure whether to scream, laugh, or slither away in humiliation.
We had walked in on a shirtless Nate, who was on top of an equally shirtless Amy, making out on the couch like two teenagers breaking curfew on a school night.
“What the f*ck is going on here?” Dex yelled angrily.
Nate jumped off the couch faster than a bat out of hell, his eyes going wide as the color drained from his face. Dex’s expression was furious, and I worried he was going to go after Nate the same way he went after his opponents in the ring.
“Dex! What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Amy screamed, throwing her shirt on to cover herself up. “You can’t just bust in here like that. Get out!”
“I saw Nate’s car parked outside. I thought something was wrong!” Dex had the decency to look a little bit ashamed, but it disappeared when he turned to Nate. “And clearly I was right. What the f*ck are you doing with my sister?”
“This is none of your business, Dex.” Amy stood protectively in front of Nate, who was still frozen in place and too stunned to speak. “I’m a grown woman, not a teenager. You’re not responsible for what I do.”
“Where’s Sadie?” Dex asked. “It’s not very mature of you to do this while your daughter is in the next room.”
Amy rolled her eyes. “She’s at Mom and Dad’s house, you idiot.”
“Seriously, dude?” Dex looked at Nate, who had thankfully found his shirt and managed put it on. “Of all the girls for you to screw around with, you had to choose my sister?”
“I’m not screwing around with her,” Nate replied, finally speaking up. He stepped up beside Amy and put his arm around her waist possessively. “I love her.”
Clearly, Dex was not expecting that. “You better not be f*cking around with me. The last a*shole who told me that he loved her got her pregnant and then took off. How the hell do I know that you aren’t going to do the same thing?”
“Oh, come on, don’t compare me to that jackass,” Nate said, taking a tentative step forward. “I’m your best friend, Dex. You f*cking know me, and I’m telling you that this is for real. I’ve had feelings for Amy for a long time now, and I’m sick of pretending that I don’t.”
“And what about Sadie, are you really ready for all that?” Dex said, “Because in case you haven’t noticed, they’re kind of a package deal.”
“Of course, I know that, and you know I love Sadie, too. I’ll be in her life however Amy will let me, whether it’s as a dad or just as a friend. I would never hurt either of them, you know that.”
Dex stared at them both for a moment before finally fixating his eyes on his sister. “This is what you want?”
Amy nodded, gazing at Nate with a smile I’d never seen her wear before. “Yes, absolutely,” she said. “I’ve wanted this for a really long time, and I’m sorry for keeping it from you… but he makes me happy. I haven’t been this happy in a really long time.” Her eyes narrowed, glaring at Dex. “You’re my brother and I love you, but if you try to mess this up, I will hurt you. You don’t scare me, Dex Porter!”
“Well, f*ck,” Dex said with a laugh, shaking his head. “I guess that’s that then.”
I grabbed his hand and started pulling him out of the room. “Let’s leave these kids alone. I’m freezing my ass off over here. I say we hit the shower.”
Amy eyed us curiously, finally noticing our wet hair and damp clothes. “Yeah, what the hell happened to you two, anyway?”
The idea that we had busted in on them making out on the couch, shortly after we had been out mudding and skinny-dipping, was too much. I started laughing hysterically. Here we were, a bunch of so-called adults, running around like teenagers.
I loved it.
There are certain kinds of fun that you never get too old for.
As disturbing as it was to walk in on Nate and my sister, it had been a wakeup call for me. Everyone around me was moving forward and I was stuck in place. I was tired of feeling trapped in my past, and I was finally ready to do something about it.
Early the next morning, I called Olivia and asked her if she would go somewhere with me. Her voice was heavy with sleep, and I could tell that I’d woken her up, but she agreed and I picked her up shortly afterward.
She smiled when she saw me, and I was amazed that she could look so beautiful only fifteen minutes after waking up. There wasn’t a stitch of makeup on her face, and her hair was twisted into a messy bun on top of her head. She had the type of beauty that came naturally, and I loved seeing her that way.
“Where are we going?” she asked, settling into the seat next to me and fighting a yawn.
“Confronting some ghosts.” She didn’t ask me to elaborate, and I was grateful.
I parked outside the cemetery and walked around to the passenger side to open the door for her. She studied me carefully, as if wanting to make sure that I was okay before taking my hand and following me along the winding paths that led to Teddy’s grave.
The shot glass was still sitting on top of the headstone from the last time I was there, and the flowers had dried up and shriveled in the hot sun.
“Is that from you?” She gestured to the shot glass, and I nodded. “Do you come here often?”
“Only once since the funeral. On his birthday,” I said. “Mostly I’ve avoided it, like I did everything else, but it seemed like the perfect place for me to finally face it all.” Reaching into my back pocket, I pulled out the letter from Teddy’s parents and handed it to her. “Would you read it to me? I don’t think I’ll be able to get through it on my own.”
“Of course I will.”
I sat down in the grass, leaning my back against the big oak tree that stood a few feet away from the stone. Olivia sat down next to me, carefully opening the envelope and I braced myself for what I was about to hear. I was terrified, but I owed it to them to read it. They had a right to tell me how they felt, to express their anger about the promises I’d failed to keep and to blame me for what happened. They had every right to hate me.
This letter had the power to break me, but I couldn’t hide from it any longer. I’d been anchored to the past for too long, and the only way I would ever pull free was by breaking the chains.
As Olivia unfolded the sheets of paper, something slipped from the pages and fell into her lap. I recognized the clinking sound as she passed it to me, and I closed my hand around the rounded, aluminum I.D. tags that I knew were Teddy’s. I let the long chain slither out of my palm and ran my finger over the imprinted letters of his name, delicately tracing the edges as though it were sacred, because to me, it was.
I held the dog tags in my fist and glanced toward Olivia, waiting for her to begin. With a deep breath, she finally began reading the letter.
Dear Dex,
We’ve been meaning to write you this letter for months, and I’m sorry it took us so long. We could never quite figure out the right words to say to you, because words are simply not enough to express to you just how grateful we are to you.
Not many people are lucky enough to experience the kind of friendship that you and Teddy had. You were only little kids when you met, but the bond you formed was something special. From then on, it was you and Teddy against the world.
The greatest kind of friends are the ones who bring out the best in one another, and that’s what you and Teddy did every day. You made each other stronger, wiser and braver, and you learned from each other. Most importantly, you stood by each other, right until the very end.
We are eternally grateful to you for being there by his side in his final moments. For holding his hand and letting him know that he wasn’t alone and that, even in death, someone he loved was there with him. We take comfort in knowing that he didn’t leave this world alone.
There’s no doubt in our minds that you did everything you could to try and save him, Dex. We know that there’s nothing you could have done differently, and we can only hope that you know it too. Not everyone can be saved – sometimes God has a greater purpose for the ones we love, and we must fight through the pain and learn to accept that they are somewhere far better than here.
We know that you miss him, and we miss him too… every single day. But with each day that passes, it becomes a little bit easier. Some days are harder than others, but our frowns no longer outweigh our smiles. We no longer cry when we see his pictures around the house, and memories of him no longer bring pain to our hearts, but instead put a smile on our faces as we remember who he was. We all must honor his memory by focusing on what we gained by having him in our lives, rather than on what we lost when he passed. It’s what he would have wanted for all of us.
Teddy loved life. He reveled in the simple things, and he saw a positive light in even the worst situations. He would never want his death to bring you sadness or to rob you of the joys of life. He would want you to remember the good times and focus on the memories of him that make you smile – because he is someone who could make anyone smile!
You have such a big heart, Dex, and because of that you’ve always felt things a little bit stronger and more deeply than everyone else. Don’t let your grief weigh you down. Don’t carry the burden of your loss with you forever. Our scars become a part of us, but you cannot let them define you. We will carry him with us in our hearts forever, and moving on does not mean that we’re forgetting him or leaving him behind. It means choosing to live.
Thank you for being a part of our son’s life. Of our lives. You brought so much joy and laughter to his time here on this earth, and we will forever cherish those moments. Take solace in your memories of him, do not let them bring you pain. Teddy loved you so much, and he always will. So will we.
Love,
April and Doug
My eyes were closed tight, but a few tears still managed to escape. I wiped them away, and when I finally looked over at Olivia, I saw that she was crying softly. Her tears fell more freely, and she reached over to grab my hand, holding it tightly in hers.
The whole time she was reading, I kept waiting for the blow of pain and disappointment to hit me at full force, but it never came. Instead, their words brought me relief, drifting through me and stirring me back to life. I could feel the weight fall from my shoulders when it hit me – they didn’t blame me. Their lives weren’t full of sorrow and heartbreak, and they had no feelings of anger or resentment, only words of hope and healing. If they could move on, then shouldn’t I be able to?
I always thought that if I was no longer sad, then it meant I no longer missed him or had forgotten about him. There were times when I would find myself laughing or smiling about something and the guilt would hit me full force—How can you be happy when you lost your best friend?
His parents were right, though. Teddy would want us to focus on the positive and remember the good times, not dwell on the pain. That’s the type of guy he was; always caring about others and going the extra length to make them smile.
“Are you all right?” Olivia asked. “I know that’s a really stupid question…”
“No, it’s not stupid,” I broke in, running my thumb softly over her knuckles. “I think I am, actually. I’ve been carrying this guilt with me for so long that I started to lose perspective. I’ve been blaming myself all this time, for not being able to save him or protect him, because I desperately needed someone to blame, someone to direct my anger toward. I was so sure that his parents would blame me too. Maybe I needed to hear it from them in order to start believing it myself. That letter was a big wake up call for me. As crazy as it sounds, I kinda feel like they set me free.”
“That doesn’t sound crazy to me.”
Toying with the dog tags in my hand, I felt closer to Teddy than I had in a long time and yet, the sadness was no longer crippling. “I didn’t know how to move on without leaving him behind. I’ve been so caught up in the guilt and pain that I never let myself think about all the great times we had together and how much fun we had, and that isn’t fair to him. Forgetting the good times we shared is worse than forgetting him. He deserves to be remembered and I’m sick of hiding from the past. I want to be able to laugh at the memories and tell stories about him with a smile on my face. I want to remember the way he lived, not the way he died.”
And that’s exactly what we did. As we sat under that tree next to Teddy’s grave, I told Liv all about my best friend. I told her about all the stupid shit we did when we were teenagers, and all the crafty ways we managed to stay out of trouble. And for the first time since he died, I actually smiled when I thought about him.
Before we left, I held up Teddy’s tags and looped the chain around my neck, tucking them under my shirt and letting them settle over my chest. The guilt was still there, as was the pain, but I didn’t think those feelings would ever completely go away. I could only hope that, like Teddy’s parents said, it would get easier over time. I still had a long way to go, but for the first time, I actually had hope.
***
In an attempt to try and make up for barging in on them a few nights before, Dex and I had agreed to watch Sadie so that Nate could take Amy out for dinner. It was sort of their first “official” date, and they were totally adorable. Amy spent over an hour getting ready, asking for my help to pick out what she was going to wear and how to do her hair. When Nate showed up, he was visibly nervous and had actually cleaned himself for the occasion. There were no oil stains on his hands or clothes, and he was wearing khakis and a dark sweater.
Dex and I watched them leave, feeling like proud parents who were sending their kids off to their first dance. It reminded me of my first date with Dex. Despite the fact that we’d been out together a million times before, that night was different because it marked the start of something bigger. It felt like so long ago, but it was really only a couple of months. It was odd to consider that we’d become so attached and so close to one another in such a short span of time. What I’d had with Steven felt like a junior high romance compared to what I had with Dex, and as much trust as I had in him and in our relationship, there was still a part of me that was terrified. My feelings for him left my heart vulnerable to getting broken, and that fear was the one thing that kept me from opening myself up to him the rest of the way. I’d lost so many people already and losing Dex wasn’t something I could survive.
“I like Nate,” Sadie announced while munching on her slice of cheese pizza. “He always plays with me, and Mommy is way happier when he’s around. Do you think he likes me, too?”
“Of course, he likes you, Sadie girl,” Dex said, tugging playfully on her pigtail. “You’re the most special little girl in the whole world.”
I think my heart exploded. Dex was constantly reminding me of his sweet and sensitive side that existed beneath the tough exterior. His demeanor had changed a lot over the last couple of weeks, and I was so proud of him for everything that he was doing to overcome his past. He seemed a lot less angry and lot more playful, which was another side of him that I loved. Of course, he still had the same intensity in the bedroom and definitely wasn’t shy about taking the lead between the sheets… which completely turned me on, by the way. Like the night before when he pressed me up against the…
My inappropriate sexual fantasy was interrupted when Sadie turned to me and asked, “Are you and Uncle Dee gonna get married?”
I choked on the water I was sipping, nearly spitting it across the table. I couldn’t hide the shocked expression on my face and I felt like a deer in headlights. “Uh…” I turned to Dex for help, but he just grinned back at me in amusement, showing none of the discomfort that I was currently feeling about this topic.
“Who wants an ice cream pop for desert?” Dex called out, successfully distracting Sadie and saving me from having to respond. Getting up from the table, he winked at me as he walked over to the freezer.
My phone rang while we were eating our popsicles, and I cringed when I glanced over and saw “PRIVATE” pop up on the screen. I hit the ignore button, not bothering to answer it since I knew that no one would be on the other end.
“Who was that?” Dex asked, noticing my reaction.
I forced a smile, not wanting him to worry. “Some heavy mouth breather who has the wrong number. I’m sure it’s nothing.”
“Are you sure?” He frowned, looking concerned. “If someone is bothering you, just tell me and I’ll take care of it.”
His offer was tempting, and I didn’t doubt that he would take care of any problem I had, but I still wasn’t sure if I actually had a problem or if I was just being paranoid. I didn’t want to add more to his plate when he was already dealing with so much. “I’m sure. It’s really no big deal,” I answered as nonchalantly as possible.
I knew he wasn’t convinced, but he let it go and we all went into the living room to watch a movie. Turning my phone off, I shoved it in my pocket so I wouldn’t have to worry about any more calls.
After falling asleep on the couch during the movie, I woke up in my bed with a hazy memory of Dex carrying me from Amy’s apartment when she returned home. I could hear the shower on in the bathroom, so I knew that he was still here. Stripping down to my underwear, I threw on one of Dex’s tee shirts before climbing under the covers and drifting back to sleep.
My eyes fluttered open when I felt a warm body pressing against my back and Dex’s strong arms wrapping around me. I automatically melted into him, snuggling into his touch with a contented sigh. He nestled his head in the curve of my neck, and I could feel his breath on my ear as he whispered, “I love you, Liv.”
My whole body immediately became tense, and I started to panic. I knew that I loved him, and I desperately wanted to say it back, but all of a sudden, I wasn’t ready. The words got stuck in my throat. I’d said those three words before, to Steven, but I’d never truly meant them. With Dex, it would mean everything. It would mean putting my heart in his hands and trusting him with it.
I attempted to steady my breathing, hoping that he would think I was still sleeping instead of realizing that I was a coward. After a few minutes, I heard his breaths even out, and I knew that he had fallen asleep. I opened my eyes, letting the tears that had welled up behind them slowly slide down my cheeks, and wondered what the hell was wrong with me.
This gorgeous, sweet, caring, beautiful man—who I loved—was lying next to me, telling me that he loved me, and I couldn’t even muster up the courage to say it back. I wanted to say those words. I wanted to look into Dex’s eyes, press my lips against his, and tell him that I loved him. But I couldn’t. Nothing in my life had ever been permanent, and I hated the part of me that still believed that nothing ever would be.
“So, exactly how long have you had a thing for my sister?” I asked Nate over beers at the garage. I still wasn’t particularly thrilled about the idea of him and Amy together, but I would probably feel that way no matter who it was—that’s the way brothers are. I had come to my senses, though, and I realized that there was no one else I trusted more than Nate to treat her right and take care of her. He was my best friend, and he was a great guy. Even if it did creep me out a little bit.
“I don’t know, man… a long time,” Nate laughed. “I had a thing for her in high school, but she was your sister, so she was off limits.”
“How the hell did I not know about this?”
“I didn’t want to risk a beating from you, so I hid it well,” he said. “Then you left for basic training so I didn’t see her that much, and that scumbag Duncan swooped in, got her pregnant and f*cking left her.” He clenched his fists angrily at his sides, shaking his head. “God, I f*cking hate that kid…”
“You and me both,” I agreed. “At least he got a little bit of what was coming to him when he broke his arm and lost that football scholarship.”
“You totally broke his arm, didn’t you?” Nate said with a grin. “I f*cking knew it was you!”
I held up my hands defensively. “I’m not admitting to anything…”
“Hey, I’m not judging,” Nate said. “Do you remember his BMW that he loved so much?”
“Uh oh, what’d you do to it?”
“Rice in the radiator. Clogged the whole damn engine and destroyed it. I’d do it again in a second, too. After what he did to her, he got off easy.”
Seeing how protective Nate was of Amy made me feel better about leaving her in his hands, but it didn’t change the fact that I’d let her down in the first place. “I never should have let that pathetic a*shole anywhere near her. I should have known he was no good.”
“Oh come on… there’s no way you could have known that Duncan would turn out to be such a prick. He had everyone fooled with his bullshit ‘golden boy’ act.”
“Yeah, but I’m her brother. It’s my job to watch out for her.”
“And you do. You always have,” Nate said. “You carry around the weight of the world on your shoulders, and if you keep holding yourself responsible for the bad things that happen to the people around you… one of these days it’s going to break you. Sometimes bad things happen. It’s a part of life and it’s not always anyone’s fault. You can’t change it, all you can do is move on.”
I’d been hearing that a lot lately – from Chase, Teddy’s parents, and now Nate. Fortunately, I was finally listening. “You know, that reminds me… I actually need to take a day off next week. There’s some business I need to take care of down near the base in Parris Island.”
“What kind of business do you have there?” he looked at me skeptically. “It’s not a fight, is it? I thought you promised Olivia you were done with that shit.”
I smiled, remembering how adorably nervous Olivia had been when she asked me if I was still going to fights. Knowing that she cared enough about me to worry made it an easy promise to make.
“No, not a fight,” I said. “I actually, uh… I visited one of the guys from my unit last week, and he told me that the counseling stuff really helped him out. He put me in touch with his therapist, who recommended I attend this group therapy session for veterans with PTSD. I figured I might as well give it a shot,” I shrugged, feeling a little embarrassed about the whole thing.
Nate looked a bit surprised but there was no judgment on his face. “Good for you, Dex. I think that’s really great. I won’t pretend to know anything about what you’re going through, but it makes sense that talking to people who do understand… who have been through some of the same things you have… would help. I’m proud of you, man. Seriously. It takes a lot of balls to do what you’re doing.”
“It’s something I probably should have done a long time ago,” I admitted. “Better late than never though, right?”
“Absolutely.” He shot me a coy grin. “This new attitude wouldn’t happen to have anything to do with a certain beautiful blonde, now would it?”
“She deserves better than me, Nate. I can’t help but feel that I’m selfish for being with her… that I’m only going to drag her down with me or f*ck things up somehow.”
“That girl is lucky to have you. You’re a great guy, despite what you choose to think about yourself. Olivia sees what we all see in you, what you refuse to see—the good—broken parts and all. She’ll be there for you while you work on putting the pieces back together, if you let her. You’re always taking care of other people… let her take care of you, because you deserve to be happy. Does she make you happy?”
“Every single day.”
“Then hold onto her,” he said. “F*ck everything else. Let yourself be happy.”
I wish it were that easy.
“You know…” Nate went on, “There’s a great salvage yard out near Parris Island. If you want, maybe we could drive out there together. I’ll rummage through some parts while you go to your session.”
I doubted that there just happened to be a salvage yard in the same town where I was going for therapy, but I appreciated the fact that he wanted to be there for me. It was nice to know that I wouldn’t have to do it alone.
“Yeah, that sounds great. Thanks, man.”
***
I’d been feeling moody and on edge all day, and I couldn’t seem to snap out of it. I didn’t know if it was because of the creepy phone calls, or my relationship with Dex and my cowardly reaction to him telling me that he loved me, but something felt… off. Like any minute, the bottom was going to drop out and all the happiness I’d been feeling lately would be shattered into a million pieces.
I hadn’t seem much of Dex over the last couple of days because of work, so he was having a drink at the bar and patiently waiting while I finished my shift. There was tension between us, but I didn’t know if it was just me, or if he felt it too. He hadn’t said anything about my response—or lack of response—the other night, so I didn’t know what he was thinking, or if he had simply believed that I’d been asleep and hadn’t heard him say that he loved me.
It was busy behind the bar. When I looked up from making a round of drinks, I saw that a woman had sidled up to Dex, taking the open stool next to him and had begun talking to him. Jealously and anger immediately sliced through me. Deep down I knew that I was being irrational because Dex wasn’t doing anything wrong. I trusted him. He wasn’t flirting with her or encouraging her in any way. He was barely even looking at her! Yet, the jealous part of me wondered why he couldn’t just tell her to leave him alone and stop talking altogether.
My feelings for Dex combined with my fear of losing him were making me act crazy. I couldn’t bear the thought of him being with anyone else, and it raised questions that I didn’t want to have. What if he got bored with me? It wasn’t so long ago that he had a different woman every night. Had he really changed so much in such a short amount of time, that he no longer had any interest in other women? That seemed unlikely, and the thought made me sick to my stomach.
He’d given me every reason to believe that he was in this—that he wanted me and only me. Hell, I was the one who was holding back. There was a part of me that still had an irrational fear of abandonment that haunted me with the notion that happiness was fleeting, and I couldn’t shake it.
My shift was almost over, but I needed to get out of there. I told the other bartender that I wasn’t feeling well and needed to head home a few minutes early. After grabbing my stuff from the back, I approached Dex on my way out.
“I hate to interrupt… but I’m heading out. Feel free to stay here if you want.” Dex stared at me with a confused look on his face, but I ignored it, turning on my heel and walking out the door. I knew I was acting like a bitch and wasn’t being fair, but all my rational thoughts were in the backseat and jealousy had taken the wheel.
I pulled up to my apartment a few minutes later, and it wasn’t long before Dex’s truck came screeching in behind me.
“What the hell was that about?” he asked angrily, stopping me from going inside. “You’re just gonna storm off without any explanation?”
I crossed my arms stubbornly. “You seemed busy with your new friend… I didn’t want to intrude.”
“What, you’re jealous?” He looked at me in disbelief, “Oh, come on, Liv… You were busy working and I was just being polite. It’s not like I was interested in her… I barely said three words!”
“Well, she was certainly interested in you.”
“So what if she was!” he shouted. “I can’t control her. Don’t you trust me by now?” There was hurt in his eyes when I didn’t say anything. “That’s it, isn’t it? After everything, you still don’t trust me.”
I had no response because there was nothing I could say to try and explain what I was feeling. It didn’t even make sense in my own head.
“This is bullshit, Olivia! I’ve been completely devoted to you since the moment we got together. I don’t even look at other women anymore because you’re the only one that I want. I’ve made my feelings perfectly clear from the beginning, but I have no idea where you stand because you never open up and tell me. You keep me at arm’s length, and I feel like I could lose you at any moment… like you’re going to run off scared and just disappear.” He took a step toward me, his eyes bearing into mine. “You don’t even mention the fact that I told you that loved you. I know you heard me say it. What I don’t understand is why you pretended that you didn’t.”
I hung my head in shame, staring at the ground as my eyes welled up with tears. “I don’t know why.”
Dex let out a frustrated breath. “I’m not the one holding back here, Liv. Why don’t you let me know when you figure out what it is that you want?”
He marched off, and I stood alone in the driveway, wanting to go after him but unsure what to say. He was right about everything, but I didn’t know how to make it right.
I went inside, closing the front door behind me and plopping my keys down on the table. As I went to go turn on a light, I noticed a silhouette in the living room.
“Hello, Olivia.”
“Steven?” I said, flicking on the light and taking a tentative step toward him. “What the hell are you doing here?”
“I’m here for you.”
Fear twisted in my stomach. He’d never given me any reason to be afraid of him, but the slightly crazed look on his face was not one that I recognized. “How did you even find me?”
“I have my ways… it wasn’t hard to track you down. Nowadays, anyone can be found if you have the right tools and the means to do it.” He smiled menacingly and stood up, moving toward me. “You didn’t think that I was just going to let you go, did you?”
“You sent someone to find me and follow me, didn’t you?” It all made sense now. The creepy guy in the bar, the person taking pictures of Dex and me on the beach, the phone calls, and all the times I’d felt like someone was watching me… it hadn’t all been in my head.
“I missed you so much. There’s so much I’ve been wanting to say to you,” he said. “I tried to say it over the phone, but every time I heard your voice, I lost my nerve. I knew I needed to see you face-to-face so we could work this out and go back to the way we were.” His voice was pleading, but the look in his eyes was demanding.
“It doesn’t matter what you have to say. It’s over between us,” I said firmly.
Steven stepped closer. “We were great together, Olivia. Think of the life we could have! I know I f*cked up, but you can’t throw away four years together because of one mistake. Please come home with me so we can fix this.”
“It wasn’t one mistake, Steven. We weren’t right together. Deep down I always knew, but I was scared to be alone. I turned into someone else because I wanted to fit into your world, but it wasn’t right.”
His demeanor changed and anger flashed across his features. “Is this because of that jackass that you’re with? You don’t belong with him, Olivia. He has nothing to offer you.”
“This has nothing to do with—”
He ignored me. “You think I’m just going to sit back and let another man have you? After everything I’ve done for you?” He stepped forward, not stopping until he was directly in front of me. “I’m not leaving here without you. One way or another, you will come back with me.”
I backed away from him until I felt the wall against my back and there was nowhere else to go. Every instinct was telling me to run but I couldn’t move. I wanted to believe that I wasn’t in danger; that I’d spent four years with this man, and he wouldn’t hurt me, but when I looked in his eyes, I saw someone else. This wasn’t the man that I knew. That realization was terrifying because I had no idea what he was capable of. I kept hoping that Dex would walk through the door, but then I remembered that he was gone. I had stupidly pushed him away when all I wanted to do was pull him close. He wasn’t coming back to rescue me. Amy’s lights were off, meaning she wasn’t home… there was no one to help me.
I was alone.
I stormed off in the direction of my truck and kept walking. I didn’t know where the hell I was going, but I was too angry to get behind the wheel just yet. I needed to blow off some steam.
All this time, I’d thought that Olivia and I were on the same page about our relationship and how we felt about each other, but now I had no f*cking idea what was going on with us. It wasn’t about her not telling me that she loved me – I said it to her because it was how I felt and I wanted her to know, not because I needed to hear it from her. I could accept the fact that she wasn’t ready to say it back yet, and it was okay because I already knew that she loved me. I knew it from the way she touched me, the way she looked at me, the way she kissed me… the words weren’t important because she showed me how she felt every day.
The problem was trust. I couldn’t get past the fact that she still didn’t trust me. In all the time that we’d been together, I’d never given her any reason to doubt me. I’d opened myself up to her in a way that I never had with anyone else, and that meant something to me. She owned me—mind, body and soul—and if she didn’t trust me now, I wasn’t sure that she ever really would. If we didn’t have trust, what did we have?
I had almost reached the end of the road when I stopped suddenly. I had a nagging feeling in the back of my head; a voice telling me that something was out of place, something didn’t fit. Something wasn’t right.
If there was one thing that Marine training taught me, it was to always trust my instincts and listen to my gut. It was the attention to detail and awareness of our surroundings that could often mean the difference between life and death, so I learned never to ignore it.
I began retracing my steps, focusing on everything around me and searching for anything I might have seen that would have set off the warning bells in my head. Most of the houses already had their lights shut off and the road was dark, with only a few street lamps lighting the way. About halfway back to Olivia’s apartment, I noticed a black sedan parked off to the side of the road, and the bright orange New York license plate caught my eye. It struck me as odd to see that particular license plate here, especially considering that Olivia just-so-happened to be from New York. No way was that a coincidence. Something didn’t add up.
Glancing through the car window, I saw a map spread out on the passenger seat and immediately got a horrible feeling that something was wrong. Breaking into a sprint, I ran back to her apartment, thinking back on all the weird phone calls and seemingly paranoid behavior that she would try and brush off, and wishing I’d paid more attention to it.
When I got closer, I heard a loud crash coming from inside, and I really started to panic. The prospect of something bad happening to her had me moving as fast as I possibly could, desperate to get to her. The thought of losing her was too much to bear and I would never forgive myself if something were to happen to her. I needed to protect her. I’d let so many people down in my life, but I couldn’t let Olivia down.
I heard her muffled screams as I broke through the door to her apartment. There was a man inside, and he had her pushed up against the wall with his hands on her throat, roughly restraining her to try and keep her from screaming. Rage tore through me, pulsing through my veins and thumping inside my skull. I grabbed him by the back of his shirt and ripped him away from her, tossing him violently to the ground before checking on Olivia.
“Are you okay, baby?” I gently cupped her cheek, looking down into her beautiful eyes that were full of fear. “Did he hurt you?”
She shook her head, and while I was distracted, something hard hit me on the back of the head and knocked me to the floor. My head was spinning, but when I heard Olivia scream, I was on my feet in an instant. I pulled him away from her and stood between them, not letting him get anywhere near her.
“Liv, get out of here,” I ordered, never taking my eyes off him. “Go somewhere safe and call for help. Now.”
She hesitated but finally backed out of the living room. I was calmer now that I was facing him head on because I knew that, just like everyone else I’d faced in the ring, he didn’t stand a chance against me. Unlike my other opponents, though, this guy had messed with my girl, and there was nothing that was going to stop me.
I watched him, waiting. But instead of making a move toward me, his lips turned up in a cunning smile as he pulled out a knife, pointing the sharp, shiny blade right at me.
“This isn’t some f*cking fist fight,” he snarled. “Your underground fight club bullshit won’t work here.”
I cocked my head to the side. “Maybe not, but I’m warning you… if you take a shot at me, you damn well better make it count, because it’s the only one you’re gonna get.”
I resisted the urge to attack first. This wasn’t two guys exchanging blows in a makeshift ring anymore. I needed to be smart. I remained still, studying him and waiting for him to make the first move. As soon as he came at me, I was ready, bending away from the knife and striking him with a hard blow to the side. I heard the crack of his ribs, and he stumbled back, but I wasn’t finished. I threw a powerful punch to his jaw, then another, and another.
He got a couple of hits in, but nothing could stop me. Adrenaline pumped through me as I landed one shot after another until he was no longer fighting back. I would have kept going, probably until he was dead, but a gentle hand on my arm stopped me.
“That’s enough. Come here.” Olivia’s voice shook as she pulled me back.
Letting his body flop to the ground, I kneeled next to Olivia, frantically looking her over to make sure that she was okay.
“I’m sorry, Liv. I shouldn’t have left you. I’m so sorry.”
She shook her head, wrapping her arms around me. “No, I’m sorry. I can’t believe you came back. I thought you were gone and I was so scared…”
Her whole body was shaking, and I kissed her forehead, holding her tight against me. “Shhh… it’s okay. You’re okay.”
She pulled back suddenly, glancing down and noticing the tear in my shirt and the blood that covered it. Her face blanked and she looked back up at me. “Oh God, Dex…”
Carefully, she lifted my shirt and saw the long gash in my skin where his knife had made contact. The cut wasn’t too deep, but it was bleeding a lot. Olivia began crying hysterically, frantically trying to stop the bleeding with a dishtowel from the counter.
“Baby, it’s only a flesh wound,” I assured her, stroking my hand along her damp cheek. “I’ll be fine, I promise.”
“I love you,” she cried into my shoulder. “I love you so much, Dex. I don’t know why it took me so long to tell you because I’ve loved you for so long. I was scared, and I was being an idiot… and of course, I trust you. I trust you with my life. I’m so sorry for acting the way I did, and oh God… I can’t lose you, Dex…”
“You won’t ever lose me, Liv. It’s going to be okay.” I ran my thumb over her trembling lips, tracing along the edges before softly brushing my mouth over hers.
“I love you more than anything,” I whispered.
***