“You and Dex Porter, huh?” Melanie asked, waggling her eyebrows at me suggestively while we set tables for the dinner rush. “What’s going on there?”
“Nothing’s going on!” I insisted, unable to hide my frustration. “We’re just friends. That’s it.”
“Are you sure about that? Dex isn’t the type of guy to be just friends with a girl. Aside from the ones that he humps and dumps, the only girl I’ve ever seen him with is his sister.” All of a sudden, she stopped setting the table and turned, studying me closely. “Now that I think about it, I haven’t seen Dex come in here lately for his usual debauchery. In fact, the only time I’ve seen him in here is when he’s with you or you’re working.”
“Trust me, we’re just friends. He’s pretty great once you get to know him.” It was true. Ever since that day at the beach, we’d been hanging out a lot. At first, I hadn’t been sure if a friendship with him was really possible. Especially after our intense moment at the bar when I’d managed to get so wrapped up in him that I hadn’t been thinking clearly. It had taken a stern lecture to myself in the mirror of the bathroom and a splash of cold water on my face to get my head back on straight.
Since then, though, the “friend” boundary had been firmly in place. I was glad for that, because I actually had a lot of fun when I was with him. He brought me out of my shell and helped me loosen up.
“Yeah, he’s also pretty gorgeous!” Melanie pointed out, unwilling to let it go. “And I hear he’s un-freaking-believable in bed. It’s no surprise that women clamber to get with him even when they know he doesn’t give a damn about them.”
Also true. It blew my mind how women were so desperate for a piece of him that they didn’t care how he treated them. I used to think that Dex was an a*shole for taking advantage of women, but I’d come to realize that they were using him just as much as he was using them.
“I don’t understand why you only want to be friends with him,” Melanie said. “If I were you, I would be all over that. Maybe you should send him in my direction… what I wouldn’t give for one night with Dex Porter. Yum!”
“He’s not a carnival ride, Melanie!” I hated the idea of people thinking he was only good for sex, because I got the sense that he thought that about himself sometimes, too. I also couldn’t help the twinge of jealousy I felt at the thought of Melanie with Dex. Which was stupid, so I pushed it aside.
“Well, jeez, no need to get defensive, Olivia. I thought ya’ll were just friends?”
I sighed in exasperation and got back to work.
It was Sunday, which meant it was time for our weekly family dinner at my parents’ house. Amy, Sadie and I piled into the car and made the short drive across town to the house where we grew up. As usual, my mom and dad were out the door and in the driveway to greet us before we even stepped out of the car.
“You’re here!” my mom said cheerfully, welcoming each of us with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. My dad was close behind, squeezing my shoulder affectionately as they led us inside.
Our parents always acted like they hadn’t seen us in ages, despite the fact that we never went a week without spending time with them. It was just the way they were. Throughout our whole lives, they never made us feel anything less than loved, cherished and accepted. I knew how lucky we were to have them.
I often felt guilty that, even with parents as great as them, I’d turned out the way I had. They deserved to have a son who was as wonderful as they were, and that definitely wasn’t me. I tried to keep them from seeing my dark side and did my best to act cheerful and happy when I was around them. The way that I used to be. But I couldn’t always keep up the act, and when that happened I felt like a total disappointment. My parents were terrified when I first told them that I wanted to enlist in the Marines, but they supported me anyway. Through it all, they had been there for me. Now it was me who wasn’t really here—a mere shell of the person I’d once been.
“How are you doing, son?” my dad asked. Every week he did the same thing; pulled me aside while my mom and Amy were busy in the kitchen, giving me an opportunity to open up to him. “Have you talked to anyone?”
Like it was that easy. I knew that my dad meant well, but I didn’t know what he expected me to do. He certainly didn’t want to hear that the only counseling I attended took place inside a chalk circle, and the treatment involved beating the shit out of people.
“Don’t need to,” I said, forcing a smile. “I’m great, Dad. Really.”
He knew me well enough to see through the bullshit, but he never pushed. Instead, he reminded me that he was there for me when I was ready to talk. What he didn’t realize was that my problem wasn’t about being ready to talk about it… I just wasn’t ready for my dad to hear it. I never wanted him to look at me the way I looked at myself in the mirror every day. With disappointment.
“So, who’s this Olivia who you all keep talking about?” my mom asked us while we were seated around the dinner table.
“She moved into my downstairs apartment,” Amy explained. “We’ve been spending a lot of time with her lately. She’s really great, you’ll like her.”
“She’s super nice,” Sadie chimed in between spoonfuls of ice cream. “And pretty!”
“Is that right…?” My mom eyed me curiously, a smile tilting the corners of her mouth.
I gave her a warning look. “Don’t even start with me, Mom. I like hanging out with her, but we’re just friends. That’s it. I don’t do relationships.”
My parents exchanged a glance that translated to them not believing a word I said.
“You will when the right woman comes along,” my dad said. “Mark my words.”
We were almost out the door after dinner when my mom waved something in front of me. “I almost forgot! This came in the mail for you,” she said, handing over an envelope addressed to me. “It’s from Teddy’s parents.”
I looked at the return address, written in neat script, and my stomach immediately clenched into knots. I had a pretty good idea of what was written in that letter, and I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to read it. I’d failed them. I’d failed Teddy. Opening it would mean facing their disappointment. I deserved to hear what they had to say, but not yet.
Shoving the envelope into my back pocket, I mumbled a quick goodbye to my parents and rushed out of the house.
The dark sky lights up in a fiery blaze, and our Humvee lurches into the air before finally coming to the ground with a deafening crash. Immediately I know that it’s a roadside bomb. A pressure-plated IED that detonated when the vehicle in front of us drove over it.
“You okay?” I hear the driver yell to me.
I move my arms and legs carefully, assessing my condition before I answer. “I’m good.”
Scrambling out of the vehicle, I carefully approach the bombed Humvee in front of us, which landed in a ditch off to the side of the road. The blast detonated right beneath it, and the damage is far more extensive than what we suffered. I have no idea what I’m going to find when I look inside, and I get no answer when I call out to the occupants.
It’s so quiet that I can make out the static of the radio coming from the inside of the truck. A few moments pass, and it feels like an eternity before I hear them say that they’re okay. Relief floods through me, and I start helping them climb out safely.
The driver is sitting there so still that if it weren’t for his hands, I might think he was dead. His hands are shaking so f*cking hard that he can’t unscrew the lid of his water bottle to take a sip.
“You’re okay?” I clarify.
His eyes shift up to meet mine, but he seems to look right through me. He nods yes. I want to tell him that this still isn’t over. That we aren’t safe yet and he needs to snap out of it, but all I can focus on are his shaky hands.
We begin to sweep the blast site, searching for any secondary IED’s that might be waiting to inflict more hell and destruction upon us unless we find them. We finish clearing the scene and no additional IED’s are detected. The entire convoy breathes a sigh of relief.
Then, all of a sudden, a second blast rips through the sky.
The sounds in my head rattled me awake as my heart continued to race. My eyes frantically searched my dark bedroom for signs of a threat, but there was nothing there. The only monsters that existed here were the ones in my f*cked-up head.
***
Summer was descending on Charleston. I finally felt like I’d settled into my new life. Although most of my days and nights were spent working either at the Seaside or the aquarium, I took advantage of the time that I had off. I would explore the city or wander around with my camera and take pictures. There was so much beauty to capture; it was a photographer’s dream. Everything was new and different from what I was used to, and I enjoyed taking it all in. I loved everything about this beautiful, amazing, magical place. It gave me a feeling of home and comfort that I’d never felt before. It made me wonder why my mom would ever have chosen to leave.
I wasn’t as lonely as I expected to be when I first arrived. Sure, there were times when I missed having someone to share my life with, but I was surrounded by so many great people that I didn’t find myself alone very often. I was more content than I’d been in a really long time.
Most of my free time was spent with Amy, Dex and Nate… and of course Sadie. We had such fun together, always laughing and having a great time. It was a refreshing change from the uptight lifestyle I’d had with Steven in New York. I was so lucky to have met them, and I knew that they were a huge part of why I was so happy in my new life.
I never thought I would say it, but I even had a great time hanging out with just Dex. It turned out there was a lot more to him than a gorgeous face and perfectly chiseled body. He was goofy, caring, funny, and at times, fiercely protective. Despite the rather bumpy start to our friendship, it never felt weird when it was the two of us alone together. There was still an attraction buzzing beneath the surface, but it didn’t affect our friendship. Being around Dex felt surprisingly… natural.
He often came into the restaurant while I was working, and I would spend time chatting with him when I wasn’t busy with customers. Many nights we would cook dinner at Amy’s house with her and Nate, and spend time playing with Sadie or watching old movies.
As wonderful as Dex was, there was definitely something dark beneath the surface. I saw flashes of it occasionally, as though there were a chink in the armor that he wore to shield that part of himself from everyone. Sometimes it was in his eyes, a dark shadow eclipsing his warm, chocolate irises. Other times, it was in his behavior, his temper igniting into full-blown rage at the slightest provocation. Most of the time, it was a subtle shift, as if he were sinking into himself and disappearing into his own head for several minutes before finally snapping out of it.
I never asked him about it or brought it up when it happened. I worried that it would only make him run away, and I didn’t want that. I wanted him to trust me enough to open himself up, but I didn’t want to force him. There were still plenty of things that I wasn’t ready to share yet, either.
We continued our game of disclosing one new thing about ourselves each time we saw each other, but we stuck to easy things like “I sing in the shower,” (mine) or “I own a Backstreet Boys CD,” (surprisingly, Dex.) However, those seemingly insignificant truths were surprisingly revealing, and I felt like I was really getting to know him. I still hadn’t told him the details of my breakup with Steven or anything about my family. It wasn’t something that I liked to talk about, especially when it came to my family. I didn’t want people to feel sorry for me or look at me with pity in their eyes. Whenever I told people about my mother dying or my father abandoning me, they began tiptoeing around me as though I were going to burst into tears every time they got a phone call from their own mom or mentioned family. I didn’t want to be treated differently. Especially not by anyone here.
The only time I’d ever been deeply concerned about Dex was when he showed up at the beach one day with a black eye, a split lip and bruises on his ribs. I remembered seeing bruises on him the first time we met, and I worried that he was involved in something dangerous. When I asked him about it, he brushed it off, saying that it was the result of a “casual fight between friends,” something he did every once in a while to “let off steam.”
What the hell did that even mean?
Dex just laughed, wrapped his arm around my shoulder and told me not to worry about it. I started to protest, but Amy flashed me an understanding smile, suggesting that she’d already tried and failed to talk to him about it. So, I let it go.
I came home from one of my mornings at the aquarium to find Amy and Dex bickering in the driveway. Sometimes they would get into it over the most trivial things, the way that only siblings who really love each other could do. It was pretty amusing, actually. Especially when Dex would try to win an argument by using the fact that he was three minutes older than her, and therefore superior.
“Hey, guys, what’s up?” I asked, climbing out of the car.
“I was trying to convince my sister to let me watch Sadie while she’s away this weekend,” Dex explained with a sideways scowl in her direction. “But apparently, she doesn’t trust me enough to do it.”
“That’s totally not the reason,” Amy said, rolling her eyes at him. “All I said was that having her for a whole day and night is a lot, and it might be better for Mom and Dad to do it.”
“It’s their anniversary, Amy. It’s stupid to make them cancel their plans when I’m offering to help. Besides, you and I both know what goes on when they ‘celebrate’ their anniversary… do you really want to subject poor Sadie to that?” he said with a grimace.
“I don’t know…”
“I can handle it, Sis. Sadie and I always have fun together. Don’t we, Sadie-girl?” Dex hoisted her up onto his shoulders, making her squeal with laughter.
“The problem is that you have too much fun!” Amy said. “Sadie has you wrapped around her little finger, and you know it. Are you really going to be able to get her to bed on time or discipline her when she acts up?”
“I could help,” I chimed in. They’d done so much for me since I’d been here, it was the least I could do. It was also really sweet how badly Dex wanted to help.
“No way, I can’t ask you to do that,” Amy protested, shaking her head.
“I don’t mind at all. It will be fun,” I assured her. “I’m not working this weekend, so chances are I’ll be hanging around here with them anyway.”
Amy finally agreed, making Dex and Sadie jump around the yard in excitement. He really was a terrific uncle, even if sometimes he acted like as much of a kid as she was.
Nate and I were at the gym getting an early workout in when I mentioned that I was watching Sadie while Amy was out of town, and therefore couldn’t work at the shop over the weekend. Not that I normally did anyway.
“Where’s Amy going?” Nate asked curiously, setting down the dumbbells between sets. “Who’s she going with?”
“I don’t know, she has some work thing,” I said, unsure why he was so interested in my sister’s plans.
“How did you end up with babysitting duty… don’t your parent’s usually take Sadie?”
“It’s their anniversary tonight, so I offered.”
“That was unusually considerate of you.” He eyed me skeptically. “This act of kindness wouldn’t have anything to do with the person who just so happens to live right below your sister, would it?”
I took a swig of water from my bottle and ignored his smug grin. “Olivia and I are just friends. You know that.”
“Yeah, but in all the time I’ve known you, I’ve never once seen you be ‘just friends’ with a girl. So what’s different?”
“I don’t know,” I shrugged. “Olivia’s cool… she’s fun, smart… and she’s never afraid to say what she’s really thinking. She doesn’t pretend to give a shit about what I’m saying just so I’ll spread her out on the mattress.”
“You’re not biding your time to eventually get with her?”
Without answering, I went back to lifting weights. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. As much as I liked being friends with Olivia, I didn’t know how long I could hide my attraction to her. I wanted her.
“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” Nate smirked.
“I would only find a way to f*ck it up if I did get with her, so no, I’m not,” I clarified. “She’s too good for a cheap f*ck, and I don’t do more than that.”
“Maybe not, but the Dex Porter I know doesn’t back down when things get tough… he fights for what he wants.”
“Not anymore.”
“Ooooh, look at that one!” Sadie said enthusiastically, pointing her tiny finger at one of the fish through the glass.
Olivia and I had decided to take Sadie to the aquarium for the afternoon. She was taking her time to examine everything. At the rate we were going, we’d likely be there all day. I didn’t mind, though. Olivia was telling Sadie about the different varieties of fish and other creatures in the huge tank, and Sadie was loving every minute.
I carried her so that she could see better, and Olivia was huddled right next to us as we stood in front of the glass. Glancing to the side, I saw an elderly woman watching us from a few feet away with an appreciative smile on her face.
“You have a beautiful family,” she said, gesturing to Sadie and Olivia who were happily watching the fish and chatting quietly, completely absorbed in what was going on inside the tank.
I gave her a small smile and nodded, not bothering to correct her. Her words tugged at my heart and as I looked at the little girl in my arms and the gorgeous woman nestled at my side, I felt myself wishing that I could have that for real. For once, I wanted normal. I’d never given much thought to having a family. I’d always thought that the better part of my life would be devoted to the Marines, not retired at twenty-five and stumbling through whatever fragment of a life I had left. Having a family wasn’t in the cards for me. I couldn’t be responsible for anyone else, much less be there to protect them and guide them. I couldn’t survive another failure.
A small group of people came up and stood next to us, and I put my free hand on Olivia’s hip, gently shifting her in front of me to make room for them. I let my hand rest there, unable to move it even though I knew I should. She was close enough that my chest was scarcely brushing against her back, her magnetic pull drawing me in and charging the blood that pumped through my veins. My thumb found a slice of bare skin at the hem of her shirt and gently skimmed across it, sending a faint shiver through her. I held my breath, waiting for her to pull away from me or push my hand off, but she didn’t move. Our bodies hovered as close to each other as possible without touching, connected only at the point where my thumb lingered on her skin. The air between us was thick and crackling with electricity as we stared at the tank in silence, mesmerized by the fluid motion and vibrant colors that passed by.
“Can we go see the turtles now?” Sadie’s voice broke the trance, and I dropped my hand, taking a step back.
“Sure,” Olivia replied, her voice quivering slightly as she put more space between us. “How would you like to meet Myrtle? She’s the coolest and most special turtle in the whole world.”
“Yes! I wanna meet Myrtle!” Sadie clapped her hands excitedly, dissolving any tension between us.
After a long day at the aquarium, we were all sufficiently exhausted by the time we got back to Amy’s house. We ordered pizza and cozied up on the couch to watch Sadie’s favorite movie, The Little Mermaid.
“That’s a pretty bathing suit,” Sadie said, pointing to Ariel on the screen. “Can I get one like that, Dee?”
“Not until you’re twenty-one,” I replied seriously, ignoring Olivia’s eye-roll. “In fact, I’m not sure this movie is appropriate. Those shells she’s wearing don’t leave much to the imagination.”
“Did you just admit to checking out a children’s cartoon character?” Olivia asked quietly, peering at me in amusement from the other end of the couch.
“Um, it’s hard not to notice,” I whispered back. “And while I do appreciate a nice rack, I think that Ariel should be wearing a tasteful one-piece, or maybe a wet suit. This is supposed to be a children’s movie!”
Olivia burst out laughing, shaking her head at me. “You’re ridiculous.”
Halfway through the movie, Olivia and Sadie both fell asleep, cuddled up together on the couch in a way that couldn’t possibly be comfortable. Moving carefully so I wouldn’t wake them, I picked Sadie up and carried her into her bedroom, tucking her into bed and placing a kiss on her forehead.
I stood over Olivia and tried to decide whether or not to wake her so she could sleep comfortably in the guest room. I felt bad waking her up, so I cautiously reached underneath her and cradled her small frame in my arms, lifting her up and carrying her into the other bedroom.
Laying her down on the bed, I wondered briefly if I should change her clothes before thinking better of it. I covered her up with the blankets and brushed my hand along her smooth cheek, taking a brief moment to enjoy how perfectly peaceful she looked as she slept. I stood to leave and she grabbed my hand.
“Stay,” she muttered sleepily.
I stood frozen in place, debating with myself about whether or not I should do it. There was a good chance I would have a nightmare, and I wasn’t ready for Olivia to experience that or for the questions that would go along with it. On the other hand, I didn’t want to pass up the chance to sleep next to her. As stupid as my cravings for her were, I couldn’t fight them.
Sighing, I moved to the other side of the bed and pulled my shirt off before climbing into the bed and lying next to her. She automatically curled into my side, resting her head on my shoulder and draping her arm over my stomach. I wrapped my arm around her shoulders and pulled her close, breathing in the coconut smell of her shampoo. My skin burned from her soft touch and ached with the tickle of her warm breath. Being this close to her was perfect and comfortable and confusing. I wouldn’t let myself worry about what might happen tomorrow or if it would change things between us. I wanted to enjoy it while it lasted.
I avoided sleep for as long as I could, and when I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer, I drifted off to sleep, hoping that no nightmares would find me.
***
The first thing I noticed when I woke up in the morning was the temperature. It was warm. Much warmer than usual.
During the night, I had managed to completely wrap myself around Dex—my head nestled in the nook of his shoulder, my hand splayed across the bare ridges of his stomach, and my leg hitched over his. Mortified, I started to untangle my limbs from his but froze when Dex stirred briefly, his arm tightening around me and pulling me closer.
His touch caused something inside of me to stir, spreading warmth throughout my body, and for a moment I let myself snuggle into him, enjoying the safety and comfort he provided. It had been a really long time since I’d felt that. I considered staying in bed and going back to sleep, but that would mean dealing with the inevitable awkwardness of waking up together. Staying would only blur the lines between us even more, and I wasn’t ready to face him just yet.
I’d been having a weak moment when I asked him to stay with me last night, yielding to my deep-seated desire for closeness. It didn’t help that I’d cuddled with him. I don’t know what I’d been thinking, and I really hoped that Dex wouldn’t give me a hard time about it. I wanted to blame it on the fact that I was used to sleeping next to someone, and it was simply an automatic reaction, but the truth was I hadn’t been a cuddly sleeper with Steven. I normally preferred having my space, but being near Dex had a strange effect on me. I found myself gravitating toward him whenever he was around.
I wasn’t in denial; I knew that I was attracted to him. I mean, who wouldn’t be? But I also knew that I couldn’t go there. A simple physical attraction, no matter how strong, was not enough to offset the countless reasons why it was a terrible idea. Unfortunately, it seemed that my body hadn’t yet received the memo about us being just friends.
Once I was able to unravel myself from Dex’s warmth, I carefully climbed out of bed and went into the kitchen to make some coffee. While it brewed, I sifted through the shelves and pulled out the various ingredients to make pancakes. Sadie woke up a few minutes later and joined me in the kitchen, eager to help out so we could surprise “Uncle Dee” with breakfast.
As we were setting the table and putting the finishing touches on breakfast, a sleepy-looking Dex emerged from the bedroom. He wore jeans with bare feet and was pulling a shirt over his head to cover up his naked torso. My cheeks flamed when he looked at me, and I quickly turned away to pour the coffee, avoiding his eyes.
“What’s all this?” Dex said, gesturing to the heaping plates of pancakes, eggs and bacon that were spread out on the table.
“We made breakfast!” Sadie grabbed his hand and pulled him over.
“Wow, you sure did,” he replied, sitting down at the table next to her. “It looks delicious.”
Once we had devoured the breakfast and nothing was left—thanks to Dex’s enormous appetite—I started clearing the table while Sadie relocated to the couch to watch her morning cartoons. As I went into the kitchen to begin cleaning up, Dex came up behind me, and I knew I couldn’t avoid him any longer.
“I’m really sorry about last night,” I blurted out clumsily. “I swear I didn’t mean to get all cuddly like that, I think it was just an automatic reaction to sleeping next to someone… I couldn’t help it and I really hope I didn’t make things too awkward…”
Dex chuckled. “It’s no big deal, Liv. Really. It was actually the best night’s sleep I’ve had in a long time. You’re more than welcome to cuddle with me anytime.” He flashed me his trademark cocky smile and waggled his eyebrows provocatively, immediately putting me at ease.
I smacked his arm playfully, grateful to him for letting it go without a fuss. From now on I would be more careful, even when I was half asleep.
By noon, the temperature was approaching ninety degrees, and we were desperate for a way to cool off. Since the beach was likely to be swarmed with other people all looking to avoid the heat, Dex suggested that we go to the swimming hole on his parents’ property. We would have it entirely to ourselves, and it was better for Sadie because there weren’t any waves or currents to worry about.
I’d never seen anything quite like it. It was tucked away in the woods, completely obscured by the surrounding trees. Our own peaceful, private oasis. When Dex mentioned a swimming hole, I’d automatically pictured a small muddy pond, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. It was fairly large and the water was clear, cool and refreshing. It was deep in the middle, but with shallows along the shore and a sandy bank where we could spread out our towels and sit down.
Dex carried Sadie on his broad shoulders, taking her into the deeper water where she could jump off his shoulders and swim the short distance over to me. Her cheerful giggles and excitement were contagious, leaving us all with matching megawatt smiles by the time we went back to the shore for a break.
I sat on my towel watching Sadie splash happily in the shallow water while Dex disappeared into the trees. A few minutes later, I heard him yell loudly and observed as he swung from a rope that was attached to a large tree branch, letting go of it at the last second and dropping into the water.
His head popped up a few seconds later, confident grin in place as he strode out of the water to where I was standing.
“Wanna try it, Liv?”
I gave it about a half second’s thought before shaking my head. “No, thanks, I think I’d rather keep my feet on solid ground.” Mainly because I was scared of heights.
“Oh, come on!” He held out his hand out to me. “You’ll love it, I promise. I’ll go even go with you, and you know I’ll keep you safe.”
His words resonated inside me, making me feel protected and cared for. His brown eyes were pleading for me to trust him, bursting with something so caring and genuine that I was defenseless against them.
“Okay,” I said, grabbing his hand and pulling myself up. “Let’s do this.”
After making sure that Sadie was playing safely on the shore, Dex led me to a tree at the edge of the water and gave me a boost onto the first branch, following close behind and showing me where to go.
“You better not look at my ass,” I warned.
“Can’t make any promises.”
We got to the small platform and Dex grabbed a hold of the rope, gripping it tightly above where it was knotted before motioning for me to climb onto his back.
“You’re kidding me, right?” I glanced at the hard ground below us that would surely cause at least a few broken bones if we landed there instead of in the water. “What if you can’t hold me and we fall before we’re supposed to?”
“Don’t be ridiculous, Liv. You weigh like a hundred and fifteen pounds soaking wet. Of course I can hold you.” He took my hand and pulled me forward. “Now quit being a chicken shit and hop on.”
I did as I was told, wrapping my arms and legs around his back so tightly that I was surprised he could still breathe. Even through the fear, my body responded to the feeling of our nearly-naked bodies pressing tightly together, and warmth flooded through me.
“You ready?” he said, craning his neck around to see me.
“Now or never,” I nodded, clinging even more firmly against him.
I kept my eyes off the ground and focused on Dex as he drew the rope back and then launched off the platform. We were in the air for less than a second before he released his grip and we plunged into the water with a splash.
It was a total rush. There was something liberating about those seconds of free fall before hitting the surface of the water and cascading beneath it. As pitiful as it sounds, I’d never felt anything like that before because I rarely felt secure enough to drift out of my comfort zone. But Dex… he made me feel safe.
I came up from the water with a huge smile on my face. “Let’s do that again.”
Dex took me on the rope swing at least a half dozen more times before we finally called it a day. It was nearly time for dinner when we finally piled back into the car and made the short drive to Dex’s parent’s house. It was their weekly family dinner, and they had invited me along. As nervous as I was to meet them, I was eager see what they were like. They were such a close family, and that was an entirely new concept to me. I’d been close with my mom, of course, but it had only ever been the two of us. I’d never experienced the big, happy family that Dex and Amy seemed to have.
As soon as I walked through the door, the Porters—who insisted that I call them Paul and Emily—greeted me excitedly and made me feel welcome. They were warm and genuine, and I envied the fact that Dex and Amy had grown up in a family with so much love for each other. It was all I’d ever wanted. I hoped that they realized how lucky they were to have that. As I watched them joke around with each other and banter back and forth, I found myself wondering what my life would have been like if my dad had stuck around. Would we have been happy like they were, or would we only have been more miserable?
I hated myself for even thinking about it. I told myself that I’d let it go a long time ago, but every once in a while, those questions would pop into my head, reopening a door that I thought I’d closed a long time ago.
Before sitting down for dinner, I excused myself to use the bathroom so I could change out of my bathing suit and get cleaned up. As I made my way back, I overheard my name coming from the kitchen where Dex and his parents were talking, and paused briefly in the hallway to listen.
“Are you sure that you and Olivia are just friends?” Mr. Porter asked Dex. “Because from where I’m standing, it sure seems like there’s more to it than that.”
I heard Dex let out a deep breath. “We’re close, that’s all. I like being around her.”
“She certainly seems lovely,” Mrs. Porter chimed in. “You’ve never brought a girl around here before, so she must be awfully special. I can’t help but notice how happy you are around her.”
Her words sent butterflies into my stomach, and I couldn’t stop the smile that formed on my lips. Dex mumbled something back too quietly for me to hear. I didn’t feel right about eavesdropping on their private conversation any longer. I backtracked to the bathroom and walked into the kitchen with heavy footsteps so they would know I was coming.
My parents already loved Olivia. They hung onto her every word and kept casting approving glances in my direction and openly beaming when they caught me staring at her for longer than a few seconds. I couldn’t help it. She was beautiful and funny, and sometimes I got caught up watching her. The way her blue eyes lit up when she laughed, the dimples that appeared on her cheeks if she smiled big enough, or how she bit down on her full bottom lip when she was nervous… it was hard not to look at her.
“Is your family around here?” my mom asked.
Olivia hesitated briefly, looking uncomfortable for the first time all night, before shaking her head. “I don’t have any family. My dad left when I was three so my mom raised me, but she passed away in a car accident when I was eighteen. Her parents died when she was young and she was an only child, so now it’s just me.”
My mom gasped softly, guilt washing over her features as she placed a hand over Olivia’s on the table. “My goodness, I’m sorry, honey. I didn’t know.”
“It’s all right,” Olivia smiled reassuringly. “It’s been a long time now. I’ve gotten used to being on my own.”
Her words were rehearsed and impassive, like she’d recited them a million times before, but I knew that there was pain on the other side of the walls she had built up around her. Hearing about all she’d been through—all on her own—my heart felt like it was being crushed inside my chest. I had the sudden urge to wrap my arms around her and never let her go, just so she would know that she wasn’t alone. Instead, I settled my hand on her knee and gave it a comforting squeeze, needing her to know that I was there for her.
The conversation shifted to easier topics, and Amy arrived to join us after returning from her trip. While everyone chatted happily, I was stuck in my own head, unable to shake Olivia’s words from earlier. I couldn’t comprehend how she’d turned out to be as amazing, fun and cheerful as she was after the life she had. She’d been through so much… lost so much… and was still so strong. So much stronger than me. Yet another reason why I didn’t deserve her.
“I should probably get Sadie home,” Amy announced with a laugh as Sadie began to fall asleep at the table. “Do you want a ride home, Liv?”
“I can give you a ride home,” I said a little too eagerly. “I mean… if you want to stay a little longer, you know, so you don’t miss out on dessert.” Man, I reeked of desperation. Even though we’d spent the last two days together, I really wanted to get a few minutes alone with her tonight. I ignored Amy’s puzzled expression and tried to act nonchalant while I waited for Olivia’s answer.
“Well, I can’t say no to dessert,” Olivia said, a smile playing at her lips.
“Okay, we’ll probably see you tomorrow then,” Amy replied, hugging both my parents and gently collecting Sadie from her chair without waking her. As she was leaving, she smirked at me and whispered in my ear, “I sure hope Mom actually has something for dessert.”
Fortunately, my mom came through with a homemade apple pie, preventing me from looking like an even bigger jackass than I’d already managed. When we finally left for the night, the short drive to Olivia’s house was quiet as I sorted out what I wanted to say.
I parked in her driveway, and before she had a chance to open the door to leave, I reached over and tucked her hand in mine, catching her off-guard.
“I’m sorry for everything you’ve had to go through, Liv.”
“Thank you,” she smiled weakly. “Sorry for springing it on you like that… I don’t usually tell people. I don’t want them to feel bad for me because of it. Not when there are so many people out there who have it way worse than I do, you know?”
Her compassion blew me away. I absentmindedly ran my thumb softly over hers in the hand I still held, drawing tiny circles on her delicate fingers.
“Maybe,” I said, “but it couldn’t have been easy for you. I can’t begin to imagine what my life would be like if I didn’t have my parents or my annoying twin sister around.” My eyes shifted to her small hand enclosed in mine as I struggled with what to say. I cleared my throat, “Being in Iraq… so far away from home and everything familiar to me… there were times when the loneliness was suffocating. But I always knew that I had a home and a family to come back to. I’m not sure I would have made it through if I didn’t.”
The words poured out of my mouth before I realized what I was saying. I’d never spoken to her about my time in Iraq or the Marines. I didn’t talk about it with anyone. Until now. Maybe it was because she’d shared a piece of her past with me that I’d felt the need to reciprocate, or maybe I simply needed her to know how much I admired her.
She looked down and took a deep breath, as if bracing herself for what she was about to say. “I’ve gotten used to being alone. Or, I thought I had anyway. The first couple months after my mom died were… really hard. Then I met Steven, my ex, and I let myself become dependent on him to make me feel whole. He became a fill-in for the family I didn’t have. It made me ignore all the signs that he was wrong for me. I was so scared to be alone again that I let him turn me into someone that I wasn’t.” Her eyes shifted back up to mine and held them. “I thought I would be lonelier than ever starting over in a new place and being on my own, but for the first time everything feels… right.”
“Well, I for one am really glad that you ended up here.”
“Me, too.”