A Life More Complete

---Chapter 20---

The next night I meet up with Trini for the first time in weeks. Somehow with Tyler’s assistance and a judge that is obviously taking pity on her, Trini avoids jail time. Shocking to the media and in all honesty, me too. With Tyler gone I have more free time in the evenings so I agree to meet her for a late dinner. She looks better than she has in weeks and I truly hope this the end of her troubles. She bleached her naturally light brown hair to platinum blonde and it suits her, blending well with her tanned skin and blue eyes. She would have been nearly unrecognizable to most of the public, but the pictures of her leaving the salon hit the internet just hours after the transformation and with her trying to repeal the nasty image her behavior has left her with, she started a Twitter account. The new hairstyle posted to Twitter with a picture of her looking adorably cute posing in her bathroom mirror wearing a slightly cropped pink tank top and bikini bottoms. She knows exactly what she is doing and right now millions of teenage boys are beating off to that picture and their girlfriends are wishing they were her. If she can stay out of trouble she’ll be back like she never even left because it’s what she does. At nineteen she is a media genius, a public relations nightmare and a perfect example of how to stay relevant. She knows any press will get her noticed and if she can mix the right amount of bad with the good she will land on top every time.

Right now, that’s exactly what she’s doing, by being seen with me. That ups her positive media coverage. She’s getting her life back on track or at least that’s what she wants the media to think. She’s dining with her publicist. It’s normal. She’s sitting at a table in the back of a popular restaurant that I normally wouldn’t be caught dead in. She eyes me from across the room and jumps to her feet. Her hands flap in front of her excitedly as I approach. She pulls me into a hug and squeals in my ear. This is the Trini I know. I can’t tell if it’s an act because she plays her life that well.

I remember back to the first review she was given after she broke free of her image as a child star. I don’t think anyone thought she’d prove to be an actress that could stand the test of time. Her first role after her show ended was as a teenage prostitute and the reviews were stellar. She’s an amazing actress and something tells me that’s because she is legitimately crazy. I think you have to be a little bit crazy to be able to constantly play someone you’re not.

“I’m so glad to see you,” she says taking a seat across from me. “It’s been too long since we’ve done this. How are you? How’s Tyler?”

I talk to Trini at least once a week but mostly to check in on her. Our conversations are never very detailed due to the fact that most of the time she was slipping in and out of lucidity. She has pulled it together famously over the last week or so and the change in her is phenomenal. I know she’s been offered two movie roles and one small part on a television show. She’s agreed to all three and seems to be out to prove she’s not slowly fading away.

“Things are good. You look well. I’m so glad things are better for you.”

“Well, my medication is under control now and my doctor thinks that’s what caused all my problems over the past few months. I was self medicating to compensate for not being able to control my life. Turns out that I’ll always be a whiny pain in the ass. That’s just my personality. Sorry.” She smiles and giggles her perfect little laugh.

“I’m so glad. It was hard to see you like that. But I wouldn’t trade you for the world. I told you a long time ago I wouldn’t leave you and I won’t. Whiny pain in the ass or not I still love you.”

“Thank you. You’ve always been there for me when no one else was and without you I know I wouldn’t be here right now. Between you and now Tyler, I’ve realized that there are people who care about me.”

I want to tell her she’s wrong about Tyler, but I let her have her moment. I know he doesn’t care about her the way I do, but he’ll do his best to help her.

We finish our dinner quietly. Afterward she poses for pictures and talks with fans. Everything is exactly as it should be according to the unwritten laws of being a celebrity. We leave the restaurant only to be almost trampled by the hundreds of waiting paparazzi and their flashing cameras and loud voices. They’re screaming Trini’s name and she stops and flashes them her perfect smile. She addresses them as if they’re her disciples and in a way they are. They’re hanging on her every word, laughing at her and joking around.

“I’m sure you all thought I’d be drunk so you’d have something to talk about tomorrow,” she says beaming. “Well, I’m not. I’m here with my wonderful publicist and friend, Kristin. Do you guys know her?” She pauses a moment waiting for their response and they reply instantly with a barrage of yes and no. “She’s amazing and beautiful and she’s gonna marry my lawyer. She’s so pretty, isn’t she?” she says as she leans over and kisses my cheek.

I begin to nervously tap my fingers as I link my arm through Trini’s. I wink at her and she knows that’s our cue to leave. The crowd trails us down the sidewalk as the valet brings up my car. Trini, still on a suspended license, climbs in with me as the photographers continue to take pictures far to close for my liking. Even Trini seems to be getting annoyed, putting her hand in front of the camera lens and requesting that they back up. As I attempt to drive away they are still insistent on taking as many shots as they can get making it impossible for me to pull away from the curb without almost running someone over.

Trini comes home with me, which is something we haven’t done in so long, but I welcome it for her sake and for my own. I don’t want to be alone and with Tyler gone it’s been rather lonely.

I quickly call Tyler as I change into a pair of pajama pants and t-shirt. He answers on the first ring.

“Hello, my beautiful girl,” he says making my heart flutter.

“Hi, Ty. I just wanted to let you know that I won’t be able to talk tonight. Trini came home with me and we’re gonna watch a movie.”

“Trini?” he questions.

“Yeah, that’s what I said. Why?”

“I thought we talked about keeping your personal and professional lives separate?” he questions with a little more force this time.

“We did. But I can’t with Trini. With everyone else, yes, but not with her.” My voice is quiet and I want to think it’s because Trini is in the other room, but I know it’s because I’ve crossed one of Tyler’s lines. “Sorry. She’s a friend, too.”

“Hope this doesn’t back fire on you. Have a nice night,” he says as if he’s bidding an acquaintance good-bye. It makes my heart hurt. A dull ache, a guilt that nags at me and I apologize again.

“I love you. Please don’t be mad at me. It’s my life and I know what I’m doing.”

“I hope you do.”

He makes me feel like a small child. Chastised for my behavior like I can’t make decisions on my own. Every time he speaks to me like I’m his to order around I lose a little bit of myself. But I won’t do anything about it. This is what Rachel was talking about when she said he ruined me. He takes over my life, turning me into someone I was never meant to be.

I shout out to Trini that I will be out in a minute. I grab my phone again and call Tyler. He picks up quickly, but this time his tone is very different.

“What?” he demands. He’s like Chicago weather, one minute warm and welcoming the next cold and icy.

“Don’t be mad at me. Please.” I nearly beg.

“Why? You don’t care what I think. You do the opposite of what I tell you no matter what. Don’t wear the short dress and you still walk out the door. Don’t make friends with clients and one is on our couch watching TV.” His voice loud and I pull the phone away from my ear.

“Tyler, I do care what you think. I wouldn’t be apologizing and begging you if I didn’t care. I hate this. I don’t know what’s going to set you off. I want to be able to live my life without always wondering if what I am doing is going to make you mad. You have some preconceived notion of who I’m supposed to be and I don’t think I can fit that mold. Ever.” I’m beginning to raise my voice and I can feel the tears pooling in my eyes. “You’re upsetting me. Please.”

“Fine. You’re forgiven. Is that what you need to hear?”

“Please don’t be so condescending. I wanted to enjoy my evening, but that’s over. I hope you have a nice night.” I quickly hang up the phone before he has a chance to respond. I turn the ringer off and throw the phone on my bed.

I apologize to Trini for being gone so long. I take a seat next to her on the couch and she looks at me with pity.

“Did your relationship with Ben end because of me?” she asks. A bold question that seems to have come from nowhere.

I immediately lie. “No,” I say but I can’t elaborate anymore than that without admitting it did.

“You’re a liar. I know it did and I want you to know that I like Tyler, but...” she trails off not completing her thought.

“Okay, maybe you were part of it. It was mostly the job, but at that time things were rough for you. It was a build up of a lot of things.” I breathe in deeply and decide to share with her something I haven’t told anyone. Maybe it’s because I’m disappointed in myself for not being able to make it work or that I’m embarrassed that I couldn’t give just a little. “Ben wanted to marry me. He wanted to have kids. He wanted us to be a family and it scared the shit out of me. When he ended it I didn’t fight for it and I should have.” I can feel the tears fall down my cheeks silently. “I loved him and I made a mess of it.”

“I’m sorry,” is all Trini can say as I keep unloading all my insecurities on her. I tell her how I want to marry Tyler, but how he’s so difficult. I also admit that I just might be settling for second best, because of what happened with Ben. Tyler is a safety net. He’s there to fill the absence of what could’ve been.

We stay up far too late, talking about her issues and mine. We both conclude that we are far more screwed up than anyone should be. But she tells me to marry Tyler, because in her opinion he loves me. I feel for her, because she says that she wouldn’t even know what it feels like to be loved by a man. It’s never been part of her life and she doubts it ever will be. It breaks my heart.

Trini calls her driver around two in the morning and he shows up within minutes to pick her up. I thank her for listening to me bitch all night.

“What are friends for?” she says. “You’re always there when I need you; I thought it was about time I returned the favor. Please don’t dwell on this. It’ll work itself out. I’m a perfect example of that. It might take a while, but be patient. Love you,” she says, hugging me.

“Thank you. Love you, too”