A Life More Complete

---Chapter 17---

The week flies by and Tyler finds and leases an office space to begin the transition of moving his office from Chicago. One of the guys who owns the practice with him arrives with his family, his wife and two adorable kids, and he falls in right along with Tyler, the two of them ordering office furniture and hiring an administrative assistant. They both land several cases in addition to Trini’s within days of opening the new office. Tyler joked with me that it was easy to find rich people who screw their lives up. L.A is full of them and they flocked to Tyler.

I finally decided to let Gia know about the sudden change in my relationship status. I had been avoiding it because sometimes she’s too honest and I wasn’t entirely sure I could handle it. Although, the conversation was generally calm, I could hear the worry in her voice. She doesn’t want me to get hurt again and I understand her concern, but I need to move on with my life. Before she hung up she said, “You do need to move on, but are you moving in the right direction?” Without giving it a second thought, I answered with an immediate, “yes”.

I flew all over the country this week and was finally back in my own bed on Friday night. In all our phone calls and Skype sessions Tyler never once mentioned my demanding job or how annoying it was that I was gone. Of course he said he missed me and that he loved me, but somehow without him saying it I knew he understood my job. He finally met Trini on Tuesday and he admitted he did like her and that she’s funny and sweet. His voice sounded the way anyone’s does when they speak about her. Sorry and remorseful for what she endures. The best news of the week is that Trini stayed out of trouble. She is laying low and the media frenzy surrounding her has slowed.

I crawl into bed with Tyler on Friday night and my body aches from cramped airplane seats, office chairs and high heels. My sister’s wedding is tomorrow and the thought of seeing not only her but Maizey too makes me smile. The room is dark and I roll over and whisper to Tyler, “I love you.” He says nothing, but his heavy lidded eyes soothe me. He runs his hands over my body, but never says a word as he climbs on top of me. He makes love to me and I’m sated and calm, the ache of my travels leave my body as I fall asleep in Tyler’s arms.

The next morning I convince Tyler to take my car so we can drive with the top down to Rachel’s wedding. He tosses our bags in the trunk and climbs into the drivers seat. I lean over and kiss him as we back out of the driveway.

“Thanks for coming with me,” I say. “It would have been lonely without you. I think Rachel and Maizey will be excited to see you.”

We leave early and take the 101 up through Santa Barbara. Even though it will add to the ride, it is well worth it. We had made this drive once before when we went to San Luis Obispo and Morro Bay for a weekend when Tyler and I had first gotten back together in college. I loved the view and how the 101 ran along the ocean for most of the ride. It was one of the best weekends of my life.

“That weekend was when I thought we still had a chance,” Tyler says.

“We always had a chance. We just needed a break. This is much better than it would’ve been if we weathered that hurricane together. It was bad toward the end. Really bad.”

“It was, but it didn’t mean it didn’t hurt any less.” I reach over and take his hand, my fingers entwined with his as he runs his finger over my ring.

“I thought we still had a chance when you came back from a fundraiser that you went to with that girl named Chelsea. Remember her?” He nods. “You came back and got in bed with me and told me to never make you go to one of your mom’s events without me. I thought then that you might tell me you loved me.”

“Oh, yeah, I remember that. She barfed in the parking lot and my mom was so pissed.” He laughs. “You always were a much better date. You played perfect like I’ve never seen. And just so you know, I wanted to tell you I loved you, but it was all wrong. We were so far gone at that point. You were so bitter and me so, I don’t know, f*cked up, that I felt like you would have laughed at me. We were so angry at each other. It would have seemed insincere.”

All I can do is hold his hand and reassure him that this time it will be different. We drive with only the sound of the wind blowing through the car. The mountains on one side, the ocean on the other making the ride look like a postcard. I point out where you can see the Channel Islands, the view of rolling, blue waves, and bright green palm trees. A wreck of pelicans dive into the water with such force that I imagine they won’t ever resurface. The view is strikingly beautiful. The kind of view that stops your heart and makes you wonder if there is anything ever truly this breathtakingly gorgeous. I want to dive the Islands someday.

“Do you still have your wetsuit,” he asks. “The water is far too cold to dive without one and we both would need to take a few courses before we could even consider it. I don’t know about you, but I haven’t been since we took that trip to the Keys, like ten years ago.”

“My certification is current, but I need a new wetsuit. It’s old and if I’m being honest with myself, far too small.” Tyler laughs at me. “I can’t believe you haven’t been since the Keys. I try to go at least once a year, some years more than that. I love it.”

“You don’t go alone, do you?” he asks willfully. He almost sounds disgusted and I can’t tell if it’s because he is picturing me alone or if he’s picturing me with someone else.

“I used to go with Ben, my ex. He was a good friend before we started dating and we’d go a lot. He enjoyed it, too.”

Ben and I took more trips down the coast to the Baja peninsula than I can remember. We’d scuba the Sea of Cortez frequenting Cabo San Lucas Bay and La Paz down near the Mexican border. We had our favorite places and the tropical fish were unreal, it was like swimming in a fish tank. Out near Cabo Pulmo National Marine Park we dove for hours looking for a tuna boat that sunk in the ‘80’s and found that nature had taken over, as it became an artificial surrounding to the marine life. Sometimes we would just do a day trip and other times we’d stay in quaint beach bungalows with no air conditioning and let the ocean breeze lull us to sleep. The diving was the best during the late fall, so we used to head up there around Thanksgiving and dive for hours. I once read that Jacques Cousteau called the Sea of Cortez, the aquarium of the world. That was enough for Ben.

As Ben floods my thoughts and all the wonderful times I had with him, I push them away knowing that part of my life is over and even if it was feasibly possible to get Ben to take me back it would have only ended, again.

When I look over at Tyler his face is severe and cold. He pulls his hand from mine and places it back on the steering wheel. The silence is deafening and awkward. The look on his face stirs emotions in me that are rarely present. It builds into a fury and festers as I contemplate how I should respond. The old me would have apologized and gone on and on about how wonderful he is, but I’m done being the meek pushover that he once knew. I’m done sweeping the hostility and resentment under the rug and I’m totally done running from any type of confrontation and acting like the problems don’t exist.

“Tyler, if you’re going to become all indignant every time I mention something that occurred in my life while you were off living yours, we will be done. I’m not going to hide the fact that I fell in love with someone else. It is what it is. Get over it.” I huff and turn to look out the window. “Also, it’s completely preposterous for you to assume that I went on living my life waiting for you. It is ridiculous,” I mumble under my breath.

Tyler doesn’t respond, his eyes trained on the road ahead. I refuse to give into his childish behavior and acknowledge him. We drive for a few more hours in complete and utter silence. I guess he forgot how stubborn I could really be, especially when the argument at hand is unreasonable.

I remain silent as we pull into the parking lot of Carmel Lodge. I climb out of the car leaving Tyler standing there dumbfounded. At least the working part of his brain tells him to grab the bags and follow me inside. I check in and stalk off to the room with Tyler following a perfectly safe distance behind. We are both adults and I know I should probably know better than to hold a grudge about something so trivial, but I don’t care. He should know better than to have unrealistic expectations about my past life. Before I would have caved, apologized just to keep the peace. But I’m not the same person I was back then and I won’t be forced to be someone I’m not.

I strip my clothes and climb into the shower. Rachel booked us a beautiful cottage overlooking the ocean and even though she agreed to pay for it, I won’t allow it. The wedding is set to take place at dusk and the reception to follow, so I have plenty of time to get ready. I stay longer in the shower than necessary trying to come up with a solution to the standoff, when I realize my body is the one thing that Tyler can’t resist. Putting an end to this suddenly became as simple as a bra and underwear.

I quickly grab a black sheer lace demi bra and very tiny matching low-rise underwear from my suitcase. I slip into them and saunter my way out into the living room where I find Tyler sitting on the couch, his eyes focused on the television. I stop directly in front of him with a smirk on my face, yet somehow he remains completely steadfast. I lick my lips slowly and wait. He closes his eyes deliberately and stands. I know I have him as he walks over to me and circles me in his arms.

“I win,” I whisper in his ear. His hands cup my behind and he lifts me up. My legs wrap around his waist as he carries me into the bedroom. The smile on my face is huge.

“No,” he says as he sets me on the bed. “I win. I have you.”

“You’ve always had me. No one will ever beat you, so it doesn’t matter who came before or who came after. I love you.” He leans in and kisses me so passionately it takes my breath away. His need and urgency increase and I know he is seeking the one thing that will calm and sooth him—me.

I shower for a second time, this time with Tyler. He climbs out before I’m done and is dressed before I can even wrap a towel around myself. I’ve never seen him look so stunning as he does right now. He’s wearing a pale gray cotton suit jacket and matching slim fit pants. The suit fits like a glove, it shows off the muscles in his arms and his flat stomach with one button left undone. His shirt is pale blue and fitted. The color a near match to his eyes. I always thought the idea of wearing a suit without a tie was entirely pointless, but Tyler makes it look like an art form. The top button of his shirt is loose making me want to trail kisses from its starting point to the point where his pants hang low on his hips.

He makes me self-conscious as I slip into a black cotton dress. Tying the satin sash around my waist as I examine myself in the mirror. Not terrible, but definitely not up to the impeccably high standard of the GQ model in the other room. I press my feet into the t-strap Mary Janes that I borrowed from Melinda. I thank God that Tyler is tall because the heels put me near five foot ten. I head into the living area in search of Tyler’s opinion when he stops and looks at me briefly.

He narrows his eyes and says, “Are we going to a funeral? I’m sure you’re pissed that your sister is getting married before you, but seriously, all black? Did you bring anything else?” I’m sure the look on my face is strikingly reminiscent to the one I gave him when he so eloquently called me “a hooker”.

“Do you have any filter at all?” I ask, nonplussed. I can feel my fingers begin to tap and I walk back toward the bathroom trying to avoid the scrutiny that will come from presenting my OCD so openly. I untie the sash and pull the dress up over my head and toss it onto the bathroom floor. I can feel the tears fill my eyes and the lump form in my throat. Will I ever be good enough? Will he always find fault in everything I do? Normally I wouldn’t care nor would I allow anyone but Tyler to talk to me the way he does. I’m unexpectedly disgusted with myself. Breathing deeply I control my urge to scream at Tyler and pitch the ring at his head, all the while keeping my tears at bay. I change into something I find repulsively non-wedding appropriate, a pink tiered sundress and pair of flip flops.

“Better?” I ask as I enter the room. My breath is huffy and my teeth gritted. I can’t even look at him. He’s sliding a skinny black tie around his neck when he looks back at me.

“No. That’s worse. Go put the other dress back on.” He doesn’t even take the time to turn around for more than a second before returning to his tie.

“F*ck you. I’m going to the wedding alone. You’re the last person I want there with me.” I turn on my heel and grab the original dress and the shoes off the floor. I slam the door to the hotel room for effect, which I’m sure is completely unnecessary, yet totally necessary all at the same time. I storm out to the car. I’m not conforming to his irreproachably high standards of appropriateness. I’m sick of the judgment and ridicule for every action or word that is not the view that Tyler somehow concocted of me in his mind. Yet, here I stand in the parking lot waiting for him to follow me. Our relationship picked up right where it left off. I want him to chase me and apologize and tell me he loves me.

I back out of the parking spot with part of me still wishing for Tyler to appear. As I round the corner of the parking lot I nearly hit him with the front end of my car.

“Get in,” I yell out the window and he climbs into the passenger seat. He says nothing but he reaches across and takes my hand. His fingers weave with mine and he places a small kiss on the top of my hand. The kiss moves through my body like lightning. The chemistry between us is undeniable. It might be the one thing that continues to save this relationship time and time again. I want this; I want him more than I care to admit. If I continue to run every time we have an argument, I’ll be running without ever stopping.

I pull the car over onto the side of the road as it rolls to a stop among the towering trees and crunching leaves. I climb over and straddle Tyler’s lap taking him by surprise. I place my hands on either side of his face and kiss him.

“I want this to be good. Can we stop this? I need to know we will be okay.” He looks up at me with soulful eyes.

“This is just who were are. If it were always easy, would either of us fight for it? We’ve been this way for as long as I can remember, so why change now?” A small smile pulls at my lips. I have to agree with him. Why stop now? We say stupid things. He evokes anger in me I never knew existed and when that emotion mixes with my obsessive love for him it forms into an intense longing and desire to be near him, touch him, feel him against my body and I allow it to consume me entirely.

I take a deep breath and climb back into the driver’s seat. I want this, but that feeling of regret still pulls at the back of my mind. I mentally explain it away with the rationalization that the engagement was quick and that’s what nags at me, yet I know, but won’t freely admit it’s more than that. The rush that I get from being with Tyler is hard to deny, and it’s even harder to walk away from. The thought make my chest hurt, a painful tightening as if I have smoked a pack of cigarettes. Can we make this work? Nothing is a given, but my need to try is crushing.

“Can we really do this?” I ask him. “I’m damaged and you’re just as bad, but I want this to work. I want a family. I want to correct the past. We can, right?”

“Whatever you want, I want it, too.” He makes me smile big and bright. I put the car in drive and follow the road without even thinking about it any longer.