A Life More Complete

---Chapter 24---

I’m up with the dawn the next day and even in the morning light my decision hasn’t wavered. After I lay in bed watching TV for half the morning, I finally decide to shower. Opening the linen closet in my bathroom I pull out two clean towels and set them on the toilet. My hand digs under the pile of sheets to reveal the three pregnancy tests from yesterday. The day felt so surreal that I feel the need to verify that my day wasn’t just a dream. But there are the results right in front of my face, almost appearing darker than I remember. I smile and chuckle a little as I stuff the bag back in its hiding place. I climb in the shower and let the hot water rush over me. I look down at my stomach, which to me already appears rounder. Putting my hands on it I can’t help but be overcome with emotion. “Peanut, we’re in this for the long haul. You’re stuck with me for the next eighteen plus years and there won’t be a day that goes by that I won’t love you,” I say knowing that I mean every word.

My phone chimes and it’s Rachel telling me to meet her around 11:30 and where. I look at the clock and throw on a pair of yoga pants and a t-shirt, whip my hair into a messy bun as I head out the door. I quickly text Tyler to let him know I will be having lunch with my sister and that he should text me before he comes. He responds instantly and my heart pounds in my chest. Although all it says is “ok”.

Rachel is waiting for me when I arrive. Sitting quietly in the corner of the booth looking at the menu, she smiles when our eyes meet. I slide in across from her and she leans back into the corner again.

“So,” she says.

“So, what?”

“You’re really knocked up?” I’m not sure why she has to be so crass.

“Yes Rachel.” It’s hard to hide the annoyance in my voice. “Aren’t you excited to be an aunt?”

“I guess I am. It’ll be pretty cool. Are you going to find out what you’re having?” Rachel asks, her eyes glowing with excitement now.

“Um, I already know what I’m having. It’s a baby.” I answer mocking her. “But really, I don’t think I’m going to find out. There are very few surprises left in the world and I think I want to leave this one until the end.”

“You’re no fun. But I guess that will make the phone call I get when you have the baby all the better. Nowadays people know what they’re having, they pick out a name and by the time you read it on Facebook or get that text that they’ve had their baby, it’s not all that exciting.”

“I agree.” I pause for a minute taking in her words about me calling her when the baby arrives. “Rach, I’d really like it if you are with me when I have the baby. If Tyler decides he wants no part of this I don’t think I can do it alone. It would mean the world to me to have you there.”

Rachel cocks her head to the side, “I wouldn’t miss it.” Tears form in her eyes and just looking at her makes me cry. “I’m never having kids. Paul and I have talked about it and we both agree. I can’t do it and I think you’re so brave to go through with this even after our f*cked up childhood.”

“Thanks. It’s funny, because even as a kid I knew I wanted to be a mom. I guess I’m off to a pretty shitty start, but I need a chance to do things my way, even if it’s alone.”

“Have you talked to Tyler?” Rachel asks as she downs her mojito making me just slightly jealous of her ability to drink.

“Yeah. It wasn’t as bad as it could have been. He’s in Chicago, but he’ll be in this afternoon. He’s coming by so we can talk.”

“Do you want him back?”

“I think I do. I need to try to make it work even if it’s just for the baby. If it doesn’t play out that way, I’m hoping he at least wants to be part of the baby’s life. I think that’s the part that I’m struggling with the most. It kills me to think that I might be alone and that one day I’ll have to explain why to my baby.” I start to cry again.

“You will never be alone, Krissy. If Tyler chooses to walk away then that’s his loss. That baby will want for nothing. You’ll always have me and Maizey. And what about Gia and David? They would never allow you to feel like you were alone. Have you given any thought to telling Ben?”

When I hear his name it’s like someone has kicked me in the stomach. I didn’t even think about having to tell Ben and really I don’t have to. It doesn’t concern him. Rachel raises her eyebrows, waiting for a response.

“I know I’m not alone. You remember what it felt like to know our dad and mom really could have cared less about us. It’s hard to overcome that.”

“You’re avoiding my question about Ben.”

“I know. I don’t know what I’d say to him. ‘Hey Ben. Remember me? Your ex-girlfriend who loved you but couldn’t commit? I’m pregnant by another guy.’ Sound about right to you, Rach?”

“Well, when you put it that way...” she trails off. “You still love him, don’t you?”

“Yes. But that part of my life is over. Majorly over now. Who wants to date a girl who’s pregnant by another man?” I stare at her, but she says nothing. “I need another piece of cheesecake.”

Rachel throws her hand up in the air to signal the waitress.

Just as I’m pulling in the driveway from my lunch with Rachel a text from Tyler comes.

Tyler: You home? I’m 10 minutes away.

Me: Yep.

I pace my house for what seems like hours. I can’t seem to settle down. My nerves are fried and my body will not stop perspiring. I’m sweating from parts of my body that I didn’t even know could sweat. I race into the bathroom and wash my face. I try to sit on the couch, but the seconds tick by so slowly that I feel like I just might scream. When he finally knocks on my door I can’t open it fast enough.

He is standing in the doorway with his eyes cast down and his hands in his pockets. I step aside to let him enter. Neither of us says a word until the door closes behind us.

“God, I’ve missed you so much,” he says pulling me into his arms. “I’m so sorry. Please let me make this right.” He buries his face in my neck. If I had any intention of remaining stoic all bets are off now. His vulnerability is shocking and when he drops to his knees and cradles my stomach with his hands I realize there’s no turning back.