Withering Tights

Chapter 19

Withering Tights

Wearing the golden slippers of applause

We are all in the dressing room, getting ready for the show. Oh, I was so nervous. I hope I didn’t have to go to the loo again, it took ages to get out of my breeches.

Ms Fox gave us her pep talk before we took to the stage. It was: “Right girls, this is it. Now then, remember what counts is this – it’s not the preparation, it’s not the costumes, it’s not even how tall you are…the main thing is…go out there and…BE GOOD!”

And that was it. Be good.

I’ve peeked through the curtains – the whole of Dother Hall is here to watch and some friends of Sidone’s. And the headmaster of Woolfe Academy. I said to Jo, “That bloke with one leg must be the headmaster, Charlie told me about him.”

Jo had a look. “Oooh, yes. Phil has given me a special friendship band to wear. We’re going to write, and I hope that I’ll see him, if, you know, I come back.”

I said to her, “Of course you’ll come back.”

And I am sure she will. I am pretty sure all of them will. Even though they all do look very odd indeed.

I know I am a bloke in this, but Jo has devised her own costume for being thunder. It is some black trousers that are tight from the ankles to the knees and then really baggy round the bottom area, like she has pooed herself. She has big black headphones on and a dustbin lid attached to her chest which she is going to bang.

And she is loving every moment of it.

She gave me a big hug and said, “This is going to be great. You are going to be great.”

Flossie and Honey are tuning up for the wind-singing. Honey is covered in veils and Flossie has a yashmak and harem pants on.

We’ve also made the set, which is Grimbottom with blasted oaks and painted waterfalls, and boulders made out of chicken wire and papier mâché. It looks very atmospheric.

Monty came backstage to wish us luck. Monty has got Biffo and Sprogsy with him, and I think they might have had a sherry because Monty is wearing a kilt and sporran. He says it is the de Courcy clan tartan and then giggled a lot.

Just about ready to go on. Bob is cranking up the opening music. I am wearing breeches, a white shirt and riding boots. I have got my hair scraped back into a ponytail and my eyebrows have got some eyebrow pencil on them.

Flossie said, “You don’t need much.”

She’s right, my eyebrows are dark enough. In fact, with my hair back, I do look like Cain. Especially if I scowl.

Vaisey is wearing a dark wig and pale make-up. It’s so odd not seeing her red hair bouncing around and glossy like she’d eaten a tin of dog food. She is ‘getting into character’.

I don’t need to get into character, I feel so mixed up and cross anyway. Seeing Cain really upset me. And I have just banged my head on the prop-cupboard door. I was looking for some more fake grass for one of the villagers to throw about.

The curtains went up and I took a big breath.

The performance started with Cathy and Heathcliff as children, playing on the moors.

I walked out first on to the stage and strutted about, kicking stuff and finding my inner wildness. Then I yelled, “Dog, dog, where the bloody hell art thee?”

And Matilda came on!!

She was my special surprise idea. I had worked out with Ruby that if I carried her squeaky bone, she would follow me around. Also, every time I say ‘Hooray’ she lies on her back and puts her legs in the air because of her dog obedience classes. If I want her to go off, I just chuck her squeaky bone into the wings and she scampers off after it. Milly and Tilly feed her doggie treats until it is time for her to come on again.

I think she should definitely audition for the West End stage.

In the first bit, Cathy and I are all happy together, apart from when we fight and squabble. And even though the weather is often very bad (Jo, Flossie and Honey flitting and banging and singing and crashing into each other) Cathy and I enjoy just being together. And making our own fun. Because we are in love. And it makes us dance with joy.

At the bit when I was teaching Cathy my Irish dancing there was spontaneous applause from the audience. And for the very first time I felt the slippers of applause!

The second half was much darker. Heathcliff hears Cathy saying to a village person (Becka), “I would no more marry Heathcliff than die, he’s rough and coarse and dark.”

And Heathcliff goes off to London, broken-hearted.

Then Cathy is heartbroken because he is gone.

Vaisey sings her big song:

I woke up

We’d broke up

Before we could start.

I’ll never forget you

Because I am so…

Bluuuuuueeeee

(Ooh-oooh-oooh)

It was amazing, we all watched from the wings.

Monty and his mates had their handkerchiefs out and were weeping.

THEN I come back from London. Much, much more cross than when I went. I’ve got a jacket and a scar and my moustache. And sideburns.

The wind gathers and Cathy shivers as she sees me. I stopped in the middle of the stage. Just looking at the audience. Moodily, I paced up and down. I kicked a boulder. I didn’t flinch. Then I shouted, “DOG!” And squeaked my squeaky bone.

And Matilda came on.

In a leather jacket. And shades.

It brought the house down!!

At the end, when Cathy died and was scrabbling at my window (Tilly on a box with a window frame) I started a band and ‘sang’ a song about her: “I know you are dead, but it doesn’t have to be the end…”

I growled it out and strutted around, like a rockstar. And for the final chorus, did Irish dancing by myself, in a mean and moody way.

I was improvising and jumping high and throwing my legs around. It made everyone really laugh. And applaud.

Backstage, Ms Fox gave me a slap on the back and said, “Quite amazing. The squeaky bone was a stroke of comedy genius. And your legs…”



We were all high as kites afterwards. And when we went back to take another bow, Sidone came on to the stage and said to the audience, “Once again, we see the magic of theatre. Who would have thought we would see these little embryos fill the stage? Absolutely FILL the stage. Congratulations, congratulations, and we will see you all next term.”


In my squirrel room. At first I thought that I had heard wrong. But it’s true. I can come back next term!! The Dream is not over!! I am coming back to Dother Hall.

Hoorayyyy!!

Gadzooks.

Spiffing.





I’m saying goodbye to Heckmondwhite. I can’t believe everything is over here. I will miss my little squirrel room. In fact, I think I will ask Dibdobs if I can take my squirrel slippers home to keep me company until I come back.

I went down into the kitchen and Dibdobs was sitting at the kitchen table with the lunatic brothers. She said, “Hellooooooo, Tallulah. Say hellllllooooo to Tallulah, boys.”

Sam said, “Oo going seepin?”

Aaaah.

Dibdobs said, “Come and join us, we’ve got toothpicks and we are making alien vegetables, aren’t we, boys?”

Sam said, “Valien bum bums.”

Dibdobs said, “That’s a silly word, isn’t it, bum bums?”

Max smashed his courgette down, “S’nice!”

Sam said, “You’re a BUM BUM!!!”

And they both started laughing madly and jabbing at each other with courgettes.

Dibdobs was trying to be calm. “Don’t jab each other with the courgettes, boys.”





I went for a last look around Heckmondwhite. Across the village green, I saw the bus from Skipley screech to a halt at the bus stop. Mr Barraclough got off.

I tucked myself back in the shadows, I don’t think I could take any more horsie jokes.

Mr Barraclough shouted back into the bus, “If there is any lasting damage from that bloody duck attacking my nether regions, I will be in touch, Job Earnshaw, so be said. My nether regions are my livelihood.”

And he went limping up to The Blind Pig.





I’m going to miss all this.

But not for long.

Because I have filled my Withering Tights…and I will return to fill them again.

I’ve written a letter to Ruby and I’m going to give it to her to read after I’ve caught my train today.





Dear Rubster,

Ay up!! Just to say, look after little Lullah and little Ruby till we all get back. Tell them that we’ll take them on a mouse picnic in September, if there is no fog.

I’ll really miss you but it’s not long till next term. I’ll bring you your own lipstick and Matilda a special bonio. Oh, and I forgot to tell you about Charlie and me, but I’ll tell you when I see you.

Watch that Cain.

See you soon fun-sized friend.

Love,

Loobylullah xxx