Withering Tights

Chapter 17

“Get your ears on, dudes!”

The Jones are live at five

Practically the whole college was hanging around the sound studio at lunchtime. The Jones were supposed to have come in this morning, and Bob was fretting around. He had a T-shirt on with a teacup on the front of it. It said underneath, I’m the mug with the band.

On the back it said, Duh.

We could hear him in the sound studio, going “One two one two…Let’s hit it, lads!!!!!” And then smashing the drums and cymbals like a madman.

It was a really hot day. Even Gudrun had let her bun down. Bumblebees were dozily bonking about, and that is when The Jones drove up the driveway. On a tractor.

When the rest of the girls heard the tractor they rushed out screaming, and I nearly choked on my banana. Seth was driving and Ruben and Cain were standing on the running board. All of them dressed in black. They got down from the tractor with their guitars and looked as if they always had sixty girls gawping at them.

Honey said, “Vewy cool.”

As Seth went in, he looked at Flossie, and winked and said, “Oh, yes.”

Flossie took off her glasses, tossed her hair and said, “Hi, y’all,” in her Texan accent.

Cain came last, walking really slowly up the steps. He looked at the ‘Absolutely No Smoking’ sign.

He got a cigarette out and lit it. He let the smoke curl out of his lips.

Oh crumbs.

He was smoking in a ‘no smoking’ area. He was smoking by the ‘Absolutely No Smoking’ sign.

He took a drag, and then he stubbed it out on the sign!

He said in his deep dark voice, “I dunt even smoke, but I do what I want, when I want. Because I am The Jones.”

And he pushed through the crowd, who backed away from him.

I rolled my eyes at the girls.

“ ‘I AM The Jones’? What he should have said is ‘I AM the prat’.”

Jo said, “He is bloody good-looking, though, isn’t he?”

And then coming up the driveway, we saw Jack. Vaisey went bright red to match her hair-hat.

He was a bit red-faced himself and carrying a cymbally thing. He said “Hello” when he saw us and stopped.

Vaisey seemed to have lost the power of speech, so I said, “Alright, Jack? What are you doing here?”

And he said to me, although I could tell he was looking at Vaisey, “I’ve come to play percussion for The Jones, I’m, you know, maybe going to be in the band, or something.”

We were doing enthusiastic back-up nodding and trying to get behind Vaisey at the same time.

Jack said, “Yeah, well, I’ve got to do a lot of catching up because there’s a gig next week and…but…anyway, are you alright, Vaisey?”

Vaisey looked like a startled earwig. “Yeah, I, er, I got sixty-five per cent for my singing…”

He looked genuinely pleased.

“Great, that’s great…I meant to, you know, after the, erm, vampire bats, I was going…”

Then Cain appeared back at the top of the steps.

Jack sort of hesitated for a minute, and then said, “Er, I’d better go in…I…er…See you later.”

And he did a little wave to Vaisey. And went after Cain.





Vaisey has been driving us mad all afternoon. Talking about Jack.

Honey said, “I think he weally liketh you, I can tell.”

At which point, Bob popped his head round the door and said, “Get your ears on. The Jones will be live at five. In the main theatre. Rock and roll!!!”

I was certainly not going to go.

Cain might already have written a song about me: ‘She’s got those corker-rubbing blues.’

But on the other hand I could stand at the back, where he couldn’t see me.

And crouch down a bit.

And look at him.

And see what he did.





Vaisey has been up to the dorm about eight times and come down in something different every time. We crowded into the theatre after college. All the students were there, and the teachers.

It was like going to a proper gig.

Probably.

Sidone had got dressed up in pedal pushers and a lurex top. She was already practising doing the jive with Monty.

Jo said, “That is one of the oddest things I have ever seen.”

I decided I am going to really observe Cain and base my Heathcliff on him.

There was still no sign of them at quarter to six. We could hear shouting going on in the passage. Not excited shouting, more like ‘having a barney’ shouting.

The lights went up onstage and Jack went to sit at his drum kit. Vaisey applauded like mad. Then went bright red.

Then Seth came on with his guitar. He didn’t even look at us, he just started tuning up. Flossie wolf whistled. The girls oohed and aaahed.

Then Ruben came on. And they oohed and aaahed again.

Five minutes went by, and eventually Cain came on.

And just stood there. In black. Moody and black and dangerous.

There was silence as Cain looked out into the audience. He shook his head, like he’d seen a bunch of idiots and said into the microphone, “This one is called, ‘Is it so very wrong to want you dead’.”





And they played. And Cain sang.

Well, to tell you the truth, he didn’t sing. It was more sort of growling and snarling and moaning down the microphone, whilst the band behind him made a whirlwind of noise. Jack was thumping away at the drums.

Then they played their next one called, ‘Shut up, mardy bum.’

Followed by the classic, ‘Girlfriend in the river, I know, I know it’s really serious.’

It was the weirdest, most gothic gig I have ever been to.

Even though I have never been to a gig.

Sidone and Monty tried to jive but gave up and just moved their shoulders around.

Cain was like an animal in pain. And he seemed really angry. With everything. He hit the microphone. He kicked the stand. He pointed at people. He even kicked Bob’s special speaker with ‘Wizard’ written on it. Bob went and stood by it with a broom.

At the end, Cain came forward and said huskily, “That’s it, leave us alone.”

The girls went mad for them.

Amazing.

Then, as Cain was storming off, he said something to Seth.

And Seth got hold of him and belted him.

Then Cain hit Seth and said something else.

Then Ruben came across and tried to break them up, and he got hit.

And then they all went off, fighting.

Amazing.

As we stood there, being amazed, Jack was left sitting behind his drums. He looked offstage for a second and then started dismantling his kit.

Vaisey said, “Should I go over?”

And we all went, “Yeah.”

So off she toddled and got up on the stage. Jack smiled when he saw her. A bit shyly, but then they were chatting and he was letting her hit his cymbal. Thank goodness, and also, Yaroooo!!!

The Hinchcliffs came swaggering back, led by Cain who had a bleeding lip. I bobbed down behind Flossie. They were signing autographs and also letting girls write their phone numbers on their arms. How ridiculous.

When they were ready to go, Cain looked up and saw Jack and Vaisey talking and laughing, and shouted over, “Jack, we’re out of here.”

Vaisey looked at Jack.

And Jack looked at Cain.

And then he looked down and started packing his kit up really quickly.

Vaisey stood there like a little red lemon for a minute or two, and then disappeared out of the stage door.





An hour later we found her up on the roof looking out to Grimbottom. And crying.

She must have been crying for an hour because her eyes are all tiny.

And her hair is droopy.

She wouldn’t come in, so in the end I headed home and the others took her out a blanket.





Back in my squirrel room, I decided I am definitely going to make our Wuthering Heights production about Cain.

I’ve been practising in the mirror. I put my hair back in a ponytail, and I can do his harsh looks now.

There are some illustrations in the book I’ve got, and Heathcliff has got a white shirt on with a long black jacket. And riding boots. And a moustache.

I hope Cousin Georgia won’t mind, but I’ve trimmed her moustache. It had droopy curly ends on it that made me look a bit Japanese.

I’m going to show Ruby. And tell her about my Heathcliff.

I went and called into The Blind Pig.

She wasn’t in, though. Mr Barraclough said, “Hello, young man.”

And I wasn’t even wearing my costume. Just being me.

He told me that Ruby had gone to dog obedience classes with Matilda. I walked up the back way, in case she was coming home, but I couldn’t see her. And after five minutes, I gave up.





The moors were brooding in the dusk. A few sheep were baa-ing, but mostly there was just a swishing sound as a little breeze played on the grasslands. I would have to tell Honey and Flossie about the little breeze business.

I looked out over the land. It had seemed so bleak when I first came here, and now it seemed…well, so bleak. But I liked it more now.

I was so sad for Vaisey.

It was horrible seeing her so upset.

And she hadn’t even been kissed yet.

At least I had. Well, if you could count the ‘bat trapped in the mouth’.

Jo told me that Phil said Ben thought I was too ‘immature’ to go out with.

I would be upset, but then I had an image of him puffing along with a rucksack full of bricks.

I wish that I had Georgia around to give me some advice. I know she said, “A boy in the hand is worth two on the bus.”

But what does that mean?

I had met Ben on a bus (nearly), so maybe that is what she meant. I had to wait for a boy who wasn’t on a bus.

If I was going to come back to Dother Hall next term, I would get her to write down stuff for me. Like a guide to boys.

But I won’t be coming back. I’ve only got forty-five per cent, which is a fail.

I can’t even think about it. I find it hard to talk about things that mean a lot to me.

I wonder if the girls will miss me. I will miss them and I won’t forget them. And I still have the nice thing of having known them.

Which is gooderer than nothing.

And also, I have had a nearly boy friendy. Charlie did come and see the owlets with me, didn’t he?

I didn’t make him.

But I can’t figure out what he meant by saying that thing about the cinema. That it would have been stupid if he had come.

Does he mean because I am too immature?

How am I supposed to get mature, unless someone gives me a hand becoming more maturerer? Jimminy cricket and also gadzooks.





I went off down the path home, and as I came round the corner of the lane by the pub, Cain was turning up the pathway towards me. Just as I stepped into a rabbit-hole and fell over.

He looked down at me. Then he laughed.

He said, “This is fun, int’ it?”

I said, “No, it’s not.”

He laughed meanly. “You love it, you follow me abaht. I see a lot of you, if you know what I mean.”

I was thinking of something clever to say as I got up when I heard Alex’s voice.

“Alright, Cain?”

Mr Darcy was here. He would see Heathcliff off.

Cain was still looking at me and didn’t bother to turn to Alex, he just said, “Aye, not so bad.”

Alex said, “Are you on your way home, Tallulah? I’ll walk with you.”

Cain said softly, “Mixing with the big boys now. Watch tha sen, Tallulah.”

I didn’t bother to reply to him, I just smiled at Mr Darcy.

As I walked by, Cain slowly rubbed his chest with his hands. Oh my God, he was doing corker rubbing.

I said, “You really are…” And I couldn’t think of a word bad enough.

Cain said, “Gorgeous? You love it.” And he went off, whistling up the hill into the dark moorlands.

Alex said, “What was all that about?”

I said, “I don’t know, he just picks on me. He’s an awful person.”

“Yeah, they’re complicated lads, those Hinchcliffs.”

“He’s got a dog called Dog. And he just comes and looms over me. Looming.”

“He probably likes you.”

What?

Alex said, “Boys are a lot more nervous than you think.”

Was he saying Cain was nervous?

I said, “He stubbed a cigarette out on the ‘Absolutely No Smoking’ sign. And he killed a fox. And was twirling it about.”

Alex was walking along, letting me get it out of my system.

I said, “And, he told Jack to come, and Vaisey really likes him and they were getting on, and then Cain just says ‘come’, and Jack goes like a little doggie. And now Vaisey is on the roof. It used to be Bob who was Mrs Rochester, and now there are two of them.”

Alex paused, but let the Mrs Rochester thing go, and said, “A lot of boys are very status conscious. And Cain has a lot of status, so Jack will want to be like him.”

I said, “Holy Mother of God, imagine WANTING to be like Cain.”

Alex said, “Do you fancy visiting the owlets? I was going out but it got cancelled.”

Wow.

Mr Darcy and me. Alone, looking at owlets.

I nodded, and tried a half-smile and hair shake.

It felt good.





We walked down to the barn, and then Alex told me that he’d been seeing a girl but that they had split up. I didn’t say ‘Good’, even though it made me feel really funny. I tried an understanding smile, but I didn’t know if he could see it, sideways on.

Anyway, he was only telling me stuff because it was like he was telling Ruby. He, along with everyone else on the planet, thinks I am ‘immature’.

Alex said, “Let’s check that Connie’s not around.”

He opened the barn door and it was all quiet. He shone his torch into the corner where the nest was, and suddenly there was Connie.

Oh Jesus, Mary and Joseph!!! Connie must have been sitting on Tallulah and Ruby, having a snooze. Alright, my mother had a lot of faults but she doesn’t sit on me when I’m in bed.

Connie started screeching and flapping her enormous wings out. Alex was backing out of the barn. He whispered, “We’d better get out of here.”

We walked quickly down the pathway and I kept looking back, expecting to see a big shadow bearing down on us. It was so spooky. My heart was thumping.

Alex whispered, “Are you afraid of the dark?”

And as I said, “No,” he lifted up his arms and went, “WaaaaaaAAAAA!”

And I leapt on to his back. Once my heart had stopped racing, it was quite funny. I laughed and laughed. It was probably relief from not being pecked to death by owls.

He gave me a piggyback for a bit, and then I got down.

I looked up at him and he looked back at me. And just for a tiny heart-stopping moment, I thought he was about to kiss me.

But he ruffled my hair and said, “Let’s get you home, green-eyes.”

Doesn’t anyone besides the lunatic twins want to kiss me?





When I woke up on Saturday morning, I wrote in my performance art notebook a dream I had about Alex:





Alex came striding up to the Dobbin’s house, dressed in a white shirt and riding boots (and trousers).

He said he was going to take me out for a picnic on the moors.

I noticed my knees were at a normal height.

Lullah and Ruby the owlets came with us.

When we had our picnic, the owls had mouse sandwiches. We had pies.

Afterwards, the owlets had a little sleep and I was running across the moors, laughing with Alex.

I put my foot down a rabbit-hole and tripped over.

Alex picked me up and said, “You are so mature.”

I looked up at him and raised my bottom eyelids.

And he changed into Charlie.

And then, as I slowly blinked, he turned into Cain.

He was singing, “She’s got the corker-rubbing blues.”





When I went down to breakfast, Dibdobs was sitting at the kitchen table with the lunatic brothers. She said, “Say good morning to Tallulah, boys!”

Sam and Max looked at me, and they both smiled at the same time.

They’ve got part of a proper tooth each!

I said, “You’ve got teeth, boys!!!”

Max said, “Did you hear me cleanin’ my teef ?”

Hang on, this is where I came in. Will I wake up and be back in my room at home, with Connor talking about poo? And Dother Hall was all a dream?

Dibdobs was smiling proudly like she had grown the ‘teef’ herself.