Chapter 22
The days following Christmas grew warm enough to melt some of the snow and on the day before my birthday I was able to leave the house in nothing more than jeans, an off-white sweater and a light jacket. My hair, which was still damp, fell loose. I set my backpack, which contained my camera, a water bottle, and trail mix on the table and sat down on the swing. To my right I saw the neighbor’s cat watching me from the safety of the shrubbery. I smiled at her and watched as she retreated. Still doesn’t like me I thought with amusement. Using my fingers I separated my hair into sections and wound the pieces into a French braid. I let the escaped tendrils fall where they may.
I stepped from the shelter of the porch and lifted my face to soak up the sun’s warmth. The air was dry and I knew it was the perfect day to capture images of my new town. Anne had gone hiking with Jericho and they had taken Pandora with them. I unlocked the door to my Jeep and had to turn the key a few times before the engine came to life. Once on the road I decided to take the same route I had ridden with Haven. I stopped in certain areas to photograph horses and an old barn. With the leaves long gone life seemed dormant and the desolate winter landscape had a decayed beauty about it. I decided to take a road I hadn’t been on before. Trees were few but the hills were captivating. I could see an outcropping of woods in the distance and a vast field. I found a place to park and reached for an old blanket in the back seat. The view was magnificent and there were no houses or buildings – just miles of pristine countryside. I could only imagine what it would look like in the summer!
After drinking in the scenery and relishing the tranquility of such a quiet reverie I found a place to sit and relax. Seconds turned to minutes and minutes turned into a loss of time. I was lying on my back and feeling the breeze when I caught a flicker of some form. Weeds swayed and every now and then there was a parting, which revealed a statue like presence not far off.
As my eyes adjusted I made out the brown and tan form of a wolf. He quietly, smoothly and stealthily moved towards me. I sat up slowly, alarmed. A shiver went up my spine and I felt my blood drain and my heartbeat accelerate. I glanced around, not knowing what to do. There was nothing but me and my growing fear. When I looked up he was not more than a foot in front of me, once again as still as a statue. His blue eyes were transfixed on my own. My eyes widened in fright. I gripped my blanket, feeling dread, and wondered what would ensue. One second passed, and then another, followed by a minute…nothing happened.
Gradually, as if his agile movements were in slow motion, he moved to my side, and just inches from my face, he sniffed. I closed my eyes and stopped breathing. I could feel the warmth of his breath on my cheek and to my surprise, I could smell him too. He didn’t smell like a dog, he smelled like musk, which was eerily familiar, although I couldn’t place when or where I had ever before caught such a scent.
He sniffed me again and to my horror exposed his teeth and gently gripped my neck in his mouth. Despite my terror I couldn’t have been more still if I tried. The wait was agonizing and I could feel the sharpness of his teeth against my neck, but the puncture didn’t come although I knew if I moved he could rip my jugular and bleed me out within seconds. His breath was hot and humid on my neck and just as I was beginning to feel light-headed from fright, the wolf pulled back, leaving my neck damp with saliva. He sat back on his hind legs. I cautiously looked over at him and sensing no threat, began to calm down. The more I did, the more he imitated.
I tried to remember what little I knew of wolves. They could sense fear, which would agitate them, so I needed to remain as calm as possible. I should also keep myself lower, being submissive to his dominance.
There was something eccentrically familiar about the wolf. I curled my legs up beside me and lowered my eyes as I leaned forward. The Wolf, to my surprise, lay down near me. He is letting me pet him! Slowly, I reached out my hand to touch him. His fur was thick and course, but striking to behold. “You’re beautiful,” I whispered to him.
His eyes twinkled, as if with pride, as if he knew what I was saying to him. I caressed him like I did Pandora. When I lowered my hand the wolf sniffed and licked near my garnet ring.
As the minutes wore on I found myself strangely content in his presence. With him near, but not too near, I rolled onto my stomach and rooted around in my backpack until I located my camera. Carefully, and with the cap removed, I pointed the camera in an effort to take what I thought would be a spectacular photo of the wolf, but he rose and began pacing. His behavior startled me and I regretted disturbing him. I raised my palm to him. “I’m sorry, I’ll put it away.”
Once he saw the camera was out of sight he sat back on his haunches but did not lie down. I grinned softly and sat up.
“I feel like I know you or have seen you before. Or maybe, it is you I’ve heard so many times before.”
I praised him again. “If so, you have a magnificent howl.”
Once more, his eyes sparkled with pride.
“Friends again?” I questioned.
He seemed to understand.
“Well my friend,” I began. “I have a lot on my mind and don’t know who to talk to.” Raising my eyes to meet his, I winked. “You’ll do.”
To my surprise, the wolf lay back down and when he did, I followed suit. I was able to reach out my arm and stroke his forehead.
“I’m troubled,” I told him. “I am sick of old ghosts and I just want to feel safe again without the haunts of old vulnerabilities.”
The brilliant blue of his eyes opened but he didn’t move. In great detail I went over the events of the last several months and I told the wolf of my worries and innermost thoughts. At one point I pulled my backpack into view and pulled out my journal. I held the pen between my teeth while I found a crisp new page to write on. I smoothed it with my right hand and began to write.
Lying here next to this magnificent but odd creature--an animal acting more tame than wild--I am reminded of old dreams. I’ve seen the champagne colored wolf more than once but dreaming about being one was altogether new. I had shed my creamy skin for a thick, black pelt; I didn’t feel it, of course—the transition from lowly girl to strong beast. It was a dream after all, but I found myself roaming near my father’s property in Woodland Park searching for something or someone perhaps. What I came across was the carcass of the beautiful champagne colored wolf lying in front of my childhood home – a home that in my dream looked abandoned and somehow artificial. Perhaps it was the shade in my dream – nothing looked real even if it felt so.
As I wrote I heard myself echoing the words out loud.
The carcass of the wolf the color of champagne had been unblemished and undisturbed. She looked as though she were sleeping. The wind picked up and I saw her smooth fur ripple in the wind, raising the evocative aroma of sweet lemon sugar, a fragrance my mother was known to wear, and a scent I wear in memory of her. In my dream state I remembered finding that unusual. Instead of smelling the earthy odor of a wolf, I smelled what I remembered of my mother.
I looked around but I was alone with an unnaturally beautiful corpse. I trotted over to my dad’s pickup truck which, in the dream, was unsoiled and brand new. My father was nowhere. I couldn’t even hear any wildlife. The silence was deafening as if the very essence of life was void. When I wheeled about I saw another wolf sitting on his haunches near the body of Champagne. If evil had a scent, it was borne on the wind and came from him. His gold eyes were set on mine but they were unblinking and unnatural. He had said to me, as if a wolf could talk, “Have I bereaved you of home and family?” I trudged forward and between us lay Champagne. Over her body I had responded, “Your tone may be cordial but your words are a running sewer of filth.” “Filth?” He echoed haughtily as he looked me over. “Exquisite though you may be to look at in your wolf skin, an abomination is what you are.” He lowered his voice into what seemed like the recesses of hell. “Abomination is what this unsurpassed creature brought into this world.” He indicated the champagne colored wolf before returning his golden glare, “You.” The word exploded from him and hit me like a bullet. And as fast as one I charged him, but before he could react I sank my teeth into his hide and clamped down. I could taste saliva mixed with the thick, hot, rusty taste of blood. I didn’t release my hold. He shook violently and, unable to free himself, he rolled, taking me down with him. His claws ripped into my pelt and I returned the act, thinking with relish that I would gut him and stain the ground with his innards. I heard a throaty growl and realized I was taking pleasure in tearing the enemy wolf to shreds. We parted and paced until we charged and collided. He aimed for my throat but I reached his first. I clenched down and shook as viciously as I could. This time the hold was right and I could feel his airway growing smaller. He was suffocating and just before his life slipped away I heard a sweet voice order me to stop.
Champagne was on all fours. She gently nudged me away from the wounded wolf. She looked at me with her dazzling blue eyes. “Killing him won’t bring me back. Killing him won’t make up for all you’ve missed. Killing him will end up killing you. You have to let him go.” My heart was hammering, the blood in my mouth was inciting a frenzy within, and I felt positively mad next to the coolness of the champagne colored wolf. “It’s not fair. He deserves to suffer! He can’t get away with what he’s done!” Champagne’s eyes were soft and empathetic. “Be better and you will know happiness. As for him, that is one thing he will never know, which is punishment enough.”
I put the pen down. Recounting the dream and writing it down made the memory of it more vivid. The champagne colored wolf, the one I had seen so many times before, represented my mother. I had often fantasized about what she would say to me if she could. Perhaps the dream was my subconscious urging me to let go of all the grief and bitterness that had been consuming me. I didn’t want to let go, not yet. I felt that letting go would mean letting go of my parents.
I turned my head and rested my eyes on my new companion. He stayed very still but his eyes searched my own. He had watched and listened to me all this time. I knew that he couldn’t possibly understand anything I had said, which made my confessions so easy. I lowered my eyes and quietly laughed.
“Listen to me, it’s absurd…the things you say to strangers, the things you say to an animal.”
I shook my head and reached inside my backpack for the water bottle and trail mix. While I was munching on the mixture of raisins, peanuts and candy, the wolf’s ears perked up and he rose swiftly. I heard a low growl and dropped my snack.
“What is it?” I whispered.
The wolf bolted until he was out of sight. I gathered up my belongings and raised my hand to guard my eyes against the sun as I scanned the horizon. I saw nothing but the advance of boiling black clouds. I turned to look around but didn’t see the wolf. He was gone. Since the magic had disappeared and darkness was rolling in, I decided to head for home.
When I reached the last hill I felt the first raindrop; rain in January? How unusual. Moments later I saw my Jeep and Haven was leaning against it. His bike was parked nearby and he was covered from head to toe in black. He watched as I maneuvered down the hill.
“What are you doing here?” I scolded. “Did you follow me?”
He seemed amused by my predictable line of questioning. “It doesn’t take much to find you.”
I reached for the door handle on the Jeep but Haven stopped me, suddenly serious. He was staring at my neck with fury. I dropped my hand and looked up at him. “I’m fine, really.”
Haven’s eyes remained severe and his jaw was taut. It took him longer than necessary to speak. “You don’t realize how vulnerable you are, do you?”
I pursed my lips together and shook my head. “All I know is you’re unpredictable.”
“You’re right,” he said seriously. “You like it that way.”
“Not funny,” I cautioned.
Haven’s face sobered even more. “You’re getting wet.”
I brushed the moisture from my face. “I’m waterproof.”
Haven opened the door to my Jeep. “Get in,” he ordered.
Obediently I climbed in. Haven closed the door behind me and walked around to the other side.
“Great, my blankets wet too,” I complained as I attempted to get comfortable. Haven opened the passenger door and sat down beside me. We sat in mutual silence as we listened to the rain beat down, lightly at first and then forcefully. In seconds it seemed we had no visibility outside as our commingled breath fogged the windows. Cold began to seep through my wet clothes and I started the engine hoping to generate some heat.
Haven’s contemplative gaze wandered over me, taking in my wet braid, damp sweater and the jeans that clung to me like a second skin. His eyes seemed dark and probing. I tried not to react in a manner he could detect.
“Take your clothes off,” he demanded.
I laughed out loud. “Excuse me?”
I watched him as he unzipped his wet jacket.
“After you,” I teased.
Haven didn’t answer but he placed his jacket into the back seat and removed the black hoodie he had on underneath. I tried not to but I couldn’t help but notice his extraordinary form. I bit my lip and tried not to flush. I didn’t want him to notice that I noticed so I kept dropping my eyes. I also couldn’t have imagined that he seemed to be enjoying our unspoken interlude. While he passed me his hoodie he kept his white undershirt on. He knowingly grinned, as if he were reading my thoughts.
“Your turn,” he insisted.
“Only when you look away.”
I suddenly felt very shy. Even though his head was turned I could see the corner of his mouth curve. Satisfied he couldn’t see anything I peeled the wet sweater over my head and unbuttoned my jeans. I began to shiver as the cold seeped into my skin. I reached for the hoodie and pulled it on over my head. Instantaneously his scent assaulted me, causing the blood to rush through my veins. I sat there dazed, breathing him in like perfume. I left the hood over my head and pulled my legs up under the hoodie as I tried to warm myself. With my teeth clattering I said, “You can look now.”
I closed my eyes as I absorbed his smell; my senses were swimming and I was lost in the moment.
“Enjoying yourself?”
My eyes flashed opened as if I had been caught doing something forbidden. I felt Haven place his leather jacket in my lap.
“It’s dry now.”
I nodded and thanked him.
“Last we spoke you promised to tell me everything. Is today the day?”
When Haven didn’t respond I shook my head.
“You promised Haven.”
“And I will keep my promise.”
Haven’s voice lowered. “Keeping information to myself is just as harmful as telling a lie. I worry about how you’ll react.”
His pained expression bothered me.
“Haven, at some time or another, we all hurt someone.”
As I spoke I brought to mind the images of the people I’ve wounded, either directly or indirectly. Remembering their pain I quickly banished the recollections from thought. “I would rather be with someone who has a conscience than someone who doesn’t even care.”
Haven’s demeanor became more aggressive. He reached for me and placed his left hand on my neck until his fingers wound through my hair. With his other hand he reached for my hand and held it. While his fingers lingered in the softness of my untidy braid, it fell loose. He felt the length of my hair and slowly combed through until the tresses fell over my right shoulder. He dropped the last tendril. Longing radiated from his voice, “You never looked lovelier than you do right now...When I touch you I can feel the frailty of your very life. You have an inner strength that surpasses most. What fascinates me about you is how unaware you are of how you affect others.”
With his compliments looming in the air I could hear two things: the rain in its steady drumming downfall, and the beating of two hearts. It was as if my hearing was magnified. I immediately began to feel guilty. If I was as wonderful as he imagined me to be I wouldn’t be so indecisive and I wouldn’t feel as though the happiness of more than one person depended on my ability to make the right choices. Inner strength, he had said. I didn’t have any.
I also felt undeserving of his flattery. I was undeserving. I summoned a reluctant smile for him and looked past him to see sunlight attempting to break through the darkness outside. As fast as the hint of it appeared it disappeared. The rain, which had been pounding, also began to subside leaving cascading rivulets on the windshield. Moments later a rapping on my window shook me from my trance. Instinctively, I locked the door.
“Who could that be?”
“It’s alright, just roll down your window,” Haven said.
Still fogged up with condensation, I rolled it down to see a portly officer bending down to peer inside. He frowned as his eyes swept over me. I handed over my license, insurance and registration when asked and he told us to stay put. A few minutes later he returned and handed me my documents.
“What are you two doing?” It sounded like an accusation.
I was immediately aware of how things must have looked and felt a growing embarrassment. I shot a glance at Haven who seemed to be entertained by this unexpected visit and my ensuing discomfiture.
“Oh,” I stammered. “It’s not how it looks. My friend loaned me his clothes since mine were wet.”
The officer raised an eyebrow and didn’t look entirely convinced. He directed his attention toward Haven. “How old are you?”
Haven told him and they exchanged a few words before the officer left. I had been tempted to ask why he was up this road when there was nothing to see, but I had tamed my curiosity.
“Some luck,” I exclaimed after the officer drove away. “We’re in the middle of nowhere and still manage to draw attention to ourselves.”
Haven looked grave. “For our sakes let’s hope we don’t attract any more.”