Chapter 19
It was days later and Reece and I had yet to talk since my embarrassing outburst. I wanted to apologize but fear kept me from approaching him. It was oddly uncomfortable to pass him in the hall and to see him joking around with friends, Amber included. Why was I always on the outside looking in? It was such a lonely place to be and I had no one to blame but myself.
Amber and Reece were now inseparable, or maybe I was seeing them both more clearly than I had before. At lunch one day I observed them whispering to each other, jabbing each other mischievously and swapping lunches. Reece tugged on her ponytail playfully and I felt an unfamiliar pang and looked away. Jealousy? Maybe I was sensing how Amber must have felt when Reece and I spent so much time together.
That Saturday Haven called and invited me over. I didn’t know how I felt about seeing him again. It had been a while and too much time apart with no communication had made it possible for someone else to enter the picture. I wished I had someone to talk to about my feelings but I also knew that sharing them would give too much away.
I took my jeep, which was a cold ride as it didn’t have much of a heater. Haven had to remind me how to get to his house as the road was discreet and tucked into a curtain of woods. I drove around the bend and saw Lacey waiting for me, Lacey and no one else. She was lovely in black and her white-blonde hair, which was left down, was blowing in the breeze. She had me park away from the house and explained she wanted to talk to me. We walked around to the side of the house and in the distance I saw a wooden gazebo by a stream. It was chillier by the water but Lacey had me sit down on the benches as she hopped gracefully onto the railing.
“This is really beautiful,” I said as I admired the carving, the view, and the bubbling rush of water nearby.
“It was a gift for Lauren,” Lacey told me as she lifted her long hair and began twisting it, letting the length fall over the side of her shoulder.
“Philip made it years ago because Lauren wanted a secluded place outside where she could relax, read, drink tea…”
“Philip?” I asked, not having any idea who that was.
“Philip is Lauren’s soul mate. They are the only ones I’ve ever seen.”
I looked around inside the structure, noting the detailed handiwork.
“He’s like the rest of us...” she explained. “He’s loved her a long time.”
She looked away and whispered, “We should all be so lucky to be loved like that.”
I refrained from stating aloud what I was thinking.
Loved?
If Philip was like the rest of us then he was a young man and Lauren was in her twilight years…it didn’t make sense, but if what Reece told me, and what Amber repeated were true, could it be?
I stood up and walked to the opening of the gazebo. There, I traced the loving initials carved into the wood. I turned to face Lacey who was still sitting on the railing watching me.
“How did they meet?” I asked.
“In Church…” she replied nonchalantly. “They were very young. That was way back when.”
I tried to wrap my mind around what I was hearing.
“I know it’s none of my business,” I pressed. “But how did it happen? I mean, she’s so much older now and he’s not.”
“Look, I know this is hard for you,” she stated, noting my apprehension. “I know it’s hard to believe but we thought you were ready. We didn’t have a choice; you don’t either, not after what happened that night.”
I shivered in remembrance.
Lacey jumped down from the railing and came closer to me. I stepped back until I was leaning against the frame. Her scent was stirring my senses and I couldn’t tell if I was repulsed by how sickeningly sweet she was or if I was drawn to the familiarity of her. She drew in too close for comfort and leaned over me to trace the same initials.
“My dad and his family had taken Lauren in when her family was killed by the others. She was very young when it happened. They were living in Minnesota and Philip’s family, which was a part of their clan, lived down the street. Philip and Levi were best friends and age-mates. They were mischievous in the way that boys are. Lauren on the other hand was always positive and had a calming influence on them. Philip was smitten as they say but kept his feelings to himself so as not to anger my dad. Lauren sang in the church choir and it was on Christmas Eve when she looked up from her hymnal to lock eyes with Philip who was only watching her. She said in that instant they had a connection and he felt as though she sang for him and him alone. That night, as they were preparing to leave with their families, Philip took Lauren to the side and as they held hands they committed to one another. From what I’ve been told, Levi was not supportive and they had a falling out that lasted several months but over time, when he saw how Philip treated her and how happy she was, he came around.”
Lacey sighed and clasped her hands together.
“Wow,” I said quietly. “That’s quite a story.”
I wasn’t sure I believed it. It seemed so far from the realm of reality, everything I heard was, even the things I had seen. My thoughts took me back to the photo Haven had showed me and of the cherubic faces printed on canvas. I was also trying to picture the elegant Lauren as a teenager in love. Surprisingly, it came easy.
“Philip and Lauren were in love all through high school and had to keep it secret since Lauren was different and that kind of union is not only frowned upon, but it’s not allowed. Plus, he should have been with Heather, and she did not take it well when he showed her no interest. My dad on the other hand has never had a life mate and that is dangerous to our kind; mates are vital to our survival.”
Lacey’s shrill laughter startled me.
“Our pack, as you may have figured out, is a mishmosh. That’s rare with our kind and it also makes us weaker than an intact clan.”
“How?” I asked in a low voice. “How is this possible? How is it more people don’t know?”
Lacey came near me and brushed my face with her fingertips. She was very alluring and very sad. I wondered what her story was.
“Because people are skeptical and don’t want to believe,” a low voice answered from behind. “They want proof, and even with proof, they can’t accept it.”
I looked over my shoulder to see Haven leaning against the gazebo. His dark shirt was partially unbuttoned and his sleeves were rolled up. I was surprised I hadn’t sensed him by hearing or by scent. He looked somber and motioned to Lacey.
“Leave us,” he ordered. She wound her way around the gazebo and stopped in front of him. “She should know everything…including everything about you.”
Haven barely acknowledged her and as she slipped out of sight he kept his eyes on me, but said nothing. The silence was almost unbearable. I could feel myself begin to fidget and I could also feel the sudden warmth of my skin flush with anxious luminosity. I was so transparent, I couldn’t even hide it.
“I shouldn’t have come,” I blurted out. I felt conspicuous and uncertain standing in front of him. “This feels wrong. I should go.”
Haven put one hand on the railing and jumped over it effortlessly. His golden brown hair ruffled in the breeze and his liquid indigo eyes flared.
“No, I want you here,” he insisted. He raised his hand and ever so gently brushed my skin with his finger, sweeping a single lash from my face.
“You think you’re delicate but you’re not,” he stated. “There is a mystery about you that is very intriguing.”
He blew the lash away and for a moment his frosty breath mingled with mine until little by little our commingled vapor evaporated into thin air.
“That’s only because you don’t really know me and I can assure you, there isn’t much to tell,” I retorted.
I attempted to maneuver past him but he raised his left arm and caught me around the waist. His grip was strong but lacking force.
“I want you to hear it from me, it should come from me but I know if I tell you everything there is a chance I’ll drive you away forever.”
“You had plenty of chances to explain,” I accused. “If that night had not happened I would have said it was none of my business, but I believe it is my business since I was involved. You know where I am, you could have come by anytime.”
“You don’t understand. There are…obstacles.”
“What do you mean by obstacles?”
“I mean that we’re different and I have a past you won’t like.” He released his hold around my waist.
“I’m not that different from anyone else,” I argued. “People are very much the same.”
“Not in our world,” Haven countered.
Vexed, I began to put the pieces together but there were still many that were missing. Haven noticed my concern and he leaned down just enough that I could feel the coolness of his breath caress my face and as it did, his breath swirled up just enough fervor that my pulse began to race. Between the two of us there was something animalistic at the core and I was only inflamed when he was near.
“Our world?” I asked. “But I’m not a part of your world.” I moved away from him so his woodsy, masculine scent wouldn’t distract me.
He put his hand in one of his pockets and looked down, seeming completely bored with my interrogation.
“Oh but you are...”
Sensing his reluctance to expound on the matter I began to feel increasingly irritated.
“Look, if you don’t want to talk about it just say so, but short answers that beg for more answers are not answers at all.”
He grinned at me and placed his hand on the hollow of my back and stroked it as if to calm me. I knew he was distracting me but his touch was warming me up inside and I shifted enough that his fingertips remained but smoothed across my side as I turned. I brought my hand up to my neck and inched back until I was just out of reach. He was dangerous in close quarters and I couldn’t allow my thoughts to go places they shouldn’t. I had to steer clear. I had to remain in control.
After glancing towards the house I said, “Lacey was telling me about Philip and Lauren. Why haven’t Philip and Levi aged?”
Haven let out a deep throaty chuckle, “They do. They just age slower. They aren’t immortal if that’s what you think.”
I opened my mouth to object and thought otherwise. “All of this is preposterous.”
Haven smiled down at me and like before, when we were in the park, he took me by surprise. He lifted me and sat me down on the railing and placed both his hands on either side of me. I braced myself by holding onto a beam. We were equally matched in height and looked at each other eye to eye.
“She left him,” he whispered. “Lauren loved him too much to subject him to watching her age at a rate that was much more accelerated than his.”
“But she’s here...they’re together.”
“They weren’t for many years,” he said. “She lived a life without him but neither one of them could turn off their feelings, even with so much time and distance between them. The more they were apart, and the more they weren’t allowed to be together, the more they loved each other.”
I glanced over my shoulder and looked at the large house behind me. The two that had been made to live apart were now living together. They had endured painful years of separation and I knew very well that suffering intensifies everything, but instead of driving them apart, it kept them together.
“Do they feel robbed?” I asked.
Haven stood up and away from me. He turned around and leaned against the railing. We were now side by side. I looked at him as the breeze lifted his hair and his eyes gazed into the distance.
“Lauren married but never had children. Philip would disappear at times and we always knew where he was because he was following her, even if he never let her know it. It was enough, he said, just to catch a glimpse of her every now and then. When her husband died Levi couldn’t stand to see her alone so he took her in with the explanation that it was their last chance to be together and that he needed her and would take care of her. She’s been with us for the last few years and having her here has been a source of pain and pleasure where Philip is concerned. He’s not been without physical comfort but she was his chosen one, his only one. He will never find another love like theirs.”
I looked from Haven’s profile to my jeans. I felt guilty for spending so much time lost in my own pain that I forgot I wasn’t the only one who suffered.
“I can’t imagine what that must be like to know who and what you want in life and to have it denied or kept from you.”
I sighed, suddenly feeling the burden of other people’s pain.
“What about Levi?” I asked. With his youthful good looks it was hard to picture him as old as he was.
Haven’s hand made its way to my wind swept tresses and he felt the length of one.
“This is where it gets intense,” Haven said. “Their clan was one of just a few in North America. The largest and most powerful clans originated from the European and Asia continents. In fights for territories and leadership, a couple of clans were wiped out, and there are always the others to contend with although they are fewer in number.”
I somehow knew where this was heading…
“Levi and Philip’s clan, comprised of several packs, were annihilated. Philip would have been killed too but he was saved only because it took place while he was on one of his visits to look in on Lauren, who lived in another state. Levi joined up with the Russian clan but was with them briefly. He ended up having an affair with the alpha’s mate and she became pregnant.”
Haven grew agitated as he spoke.
“She told Levi he had to take the baby girl and leave the area. She told her husband the baby had died. She became pregnant soon after, this time with a son. Levi and I came here, to Crested Butte. A few years later Philip joined us and together we helped to raise Lacey.”
“Does Lacey know who her mother is?” I prodded.
“She does.”
Haven’s expression was one of concealed sadness.
“Imagine being privy to the sickness of the world and having to live with it longer than others do. People, even us, self-destruct because we keep repeating the same behaviors over and over again. There’s no freedom in that kind of longevity.”
“What about you?” I asked.
There was so much to wonder about him, where he came from, if he still had family and just how old he was. The hollow of his cheeks drew in as if I had hit a nerve.
“That’s probably none of my business but since we were being so open with other people’s business, I thought it would be okay to ask.”
“You feel self-conscious about asking,” he noted. “Don’t be. You can be honest with me. It’s not my business you’re worried about, you’re worried about my opinion of you for asking what you’re thinking, just as you’re worried about offending me.”
I shivered as the cold was all encompassing, not just from being outdoors, but from being read as well. Haven had a way of seeing through me. It was as unnerving as it was bonding and I couldn’t figure out how the two could co-exist. I looked down at the ground and reached up to touch my lip.
“You’re thinking too much,” he pointed out. He was watching me and seemed to be enjoying himself as I grew agitated. My eyes widened at being read so thoroughly. I pushed him away with my boot and was ready to jump down when he blocked my escape. I felt cornered and something inside me was itching to break free. I unclenched my fists and dug into the railing with my fingernails.“Feeling feisty are you?” Haven asked with admiration. “The possibilities are endless.”
He leaned in for what I thought was going to be a kiss on the mouth. I felt myself lean back. His lips moved lightly across my cheek and I felt him as he breathed in my scent.
“You’re in my personal space,” I accused. I could feel him chuckle and he pulled back.
“You smell good,” he crooned. “Just like....”
The way I stiffened interrupted him and tension broke through the stillness. I opened my eyes and pushed him away. Once he was clear I jumped off the railing.
Embarrassed and feeling bewitched I couldn’t even look at him. I didn’t know him that well, for all I knew he could be using the same moves on scores of other girls and worse, he could have been doing it for years. I would never allow myself to be used or seen as just another number. I saw Haven take a step towards me.
“Come here,” he beckoned.
“No,” I spat and I lit off towards the house.
Small patches of snow and dried weeds crackled under the heels of my black boots. Seething, I felt like a fool. Tears burned behind my eyes and I wanted to get away. I didn’t want to go into the house; I didn’t want to see any of them. I just wanted normalcy. I stalked around the house and looked behind me but no one was there. Satisfied, I turned my head and caught his scent borne on a swift gust of air. And there he was. His eyes flickered with fury and his lips were pursed. We stood there in united silence but I felt more of a threat than I ever had before.
“Is there something you want?” I asked sarcastically. I crossed my arms in false bravado and stuck my chin out defiantly and when I did I thought I saw a glimmer in his eye.
“No more cat-and-mouse,” he spat. “You came here for a reason. You feel it just as much as I do.”
I knew how he would respond but I couldn’t keep from saying it.
“Feel what?”
Nothing prepared me for his outburst. I’ve heard of explosive tempers but he looked like he was going to detonate. In the few seconds that it took to happen, everything about him changed as if he were going to morph into something else. My eyes tried to register what was happening and then it stopped. The moment had passed. It was then that I noticed Lauren on the porch, followed by everyone else. Lauren looked sympathetically from Haven to me but Haven only had eyes for me. His gaze was full of ire.
“You made your point,” I snapped, but nothing could hide the alarm I felt.
“The point is Willow, you live in fear; fear of what others think; fear of going after what you want; fear of being close to someone, and fear of yourself.”
I wanted him to stop. I averted my face so all he could see was my hair. He had seen enough of me.
“Maybe you should turn that all-knowing vision on yourself,” I suggested angrily.
“Oh, I know what I am, and I also know what I want. Do you?”
I couldn’t answer. I didn’t know.
“If you would just stop running away from everyone you might be able to figure that out.”
He had seen me again. I wanted to slap him for that. It wasn’t his fault I was so transparent. It was mine. I knew that in my anger I was projecting. I wanted to leave but my feet wouldn’t budge. I knew he was waiting for a response but I couldn’t give one. I couldn’t even look at him. I looked up at the porch and saw Lauren still standing there. She looked at me and I felt nothing but compassion radiate from her lovely features.
“Haven, why don’t you both come inside,” Lauren implored. “You don’t want to scare her.”
Turning to me Lauren pleaded, “Willow, please come inside.”
I kept standing there, not knowing what to do.
“Lauren,” Haven insisted. “Leave us be.”
Lauren checked with me and when I didn’t object, she turned and ushered everyone inside. Before she closed the door she said to Haven, “She needs to know.”
We stayed as we were, both motionless and waiting for the other one to speak. I felt the sudden desire to laugh, but when I saw the intense way he was glaring at me I suppressed it. His stare unnerved me, as it always did.
“Go to hell,” I muttered.
I didn’t have time to apologize. Haven reached me in a second and picked me up and threw me over his shoulder.
“Then I’m taking you with me!”
He carried me past the porch as I struggled to be set free. Satisfied that I was done with my outburst he set me down on a bench and knelt down next to me.
His voice broke through the stillness. “My mother was Grace Elizabeth and my father was Franklin Albert Cole. My parents are no longer living. I grew up with the clan and was the lover of someone I shouldn’t have been with. She gave me a terrible task, one I couldn’t do, so I left and started a new life here.”
Haven’s eyes softened and he looked from my face to what he envisioned in his memories. I rubbed my temple as if to temper the beginning of a headache. Haven picked the dried remains of a flower from the bed next to us. He turned the stem over in his fingers and looked past me into the thick of the forest.
“You know but you can’t accept it,” he said. His face didn’t register any emotion. It was as if the sheer intensity of all those feelings had rendered him numb.
“What happened to your parents?” I finally managed to ask.
Haven’s eyes revealed a flicker of emotion.
“The pack was poisoned...by the others.”
“The others?” I asked.
“Their hearts don’t beat,” He filled in.
Haven raised his eyebrow and looked up at me and tried to read my reaction to what he was saying. An understanding passed between us. I knew who he was now. I sighed lightly and dropped my eyes.
“You’re not giving me real answers,” I said.
“This is what I’m giving you until I can tell you more.”
“You can but you won’t,” I said in defeat.
His eyes trailed from my face to the house where something seemed to distract him.
“I’ll be right back...”
With those words he squeezed my hands, which were folded on my lap; he swiftly strode up the steps and went inside. Since he didn’t invite me in I got up and walked around. I felt uncomfortable standing outside and I made my way to the side of the house but before I could turn around I heard them. Levi and Haven were in a dispute and it was about me.
“She will die sooner than you!” Levi snapped. “Just like everyone else you’ve ever cared about. Do you want that? Can you live through that again? All of us have lost someone, why would you volunteer for it?”
“My life, my choices; you can’t decide what’s right for me.”
“I can tell you what I think! She is a wounded animal, one who drew you in because you’ve always had a weakness for the vulnerable.”
My skin bristled as Levi spoke so unkindly of me.
“What should be done with a wounded animal? We both know the answer to that. It should be put out of its misery before suffering further, or worse, causing harm to someone else.”
“What an ironic thing to say,” Haven hissed. “What we are causes people to suffer. She is different, yes, like us. None of us fit in anywhere, which is why we’re drawn to one another. How can you try to deny me what I want and need when you know how it feels to be lonely?”
“How can you want that with her?” Levi thundered. “She’s more likely to kill you than comfort you, especially after what you did.”
My thoughts were confounded. What was Levi talking about? I wasn’t like them! Least of all, I was a danger to no one.
“Levi, she is not like that. She is more like her father. I know, I’ve seen.”
“I’m just asking you to watch your back, and ours. I thought we got away from all of that. I want no further involvement as I have my own to protect.”
“Thanks for your support brother,” Haven said crossly. “This thing is bigger than just one girl and you know it.”
I had heard enough and walked back to the front of the house and looked longingly at the dirt road that led away from all that I wanted to confront and also walk away from. Could my feelings have been anymore conflicted?
I started walking to my Jeep when Haven bounded to my side. He took me by the arm and turned me to face him. He seemed to be restraining himself but his grip was unyielding. I didn’t think he realized his own strength. I grimaced slightly. “That hurts.”
He relaxed his hold and let me go. “You’re coming here has presented me with a dilemma so great I am unsure how to go about handling it. You seem so unaware of your history, not to mention what’s happening around you. I don’t think you’re ready but time is not on our side.”
“It’s not on anyone’s,” I mumbled. “All I want is for people to be honest with me. I feel like the truth is concealed by small offerings of half- truths, which leave me feeling more confused. I know I have a lot to learn, so enlighten me, I can handle it.”
“If you want the truth, then you have to be just as truthful. No more hiding.”
“Fine,” I said. “None of this makes sense. I almost don’t want it to because ignorance is bliss. Promise me Haven...promise me that next time we talk you won’t hold back.”
With those words and Haven’s agreement, I drove back to town.
Late that night all the words I had heard and all the stories I had listened to kept me up. I was exhausted but unable to sleep. When slumber eventually came, frightening images dominated my dreams. I woke in a fright and stared into the black night. I clutched my blanket as I sat up and pulled it tight. Into the darkness I whispered, “Pandora?”
I heard her rustle nearby and a second later felt her reassuring nuzzle at my side. I grabbed a handful of fur and stroked her. Satisfied I was okay she returned to her bed. I heard a howl outside my window but with Pandora so near I felt no fear. I readjusted myself, pulled the covers tight once more, and attempted to sleep without dreaming.