Chapter 18
“What do you think of this?” Reece asked as he searched through lists of music.
“Who is it for?”
“Amber,” he answered thoughtfully. “There are few people I respect as much as I do her.”
“I’m sure she’ll love anything you pick,” I offered.
We stopped at a few stores and I picked up a new book for Anne who had requested one. The bags were getting heavy and Reece insisted on carrying them while he held a box under one of his arms. The sidewalk had been cleared but there were ice patches and I felt comfortable enough with Reece that I held his arm.
“I’m hungry. Do you want to stop somewhere?” He asked.
“Want to split a steak?” I teased.
“It better be a big one,” he laughed.
While we were walking and laughing I slipped but Reece held me up and said with certainty, “See, you need me.”
I didn’t say anything but I playfully brushed snow from his hair and giggled when he shook some of it on me. As we rounded a corner we came across a charming old bistro that was dimly lit with the soft illumination of candlelight. I squeezed Reece’s arm as I spotted them.
“I see them too,” he said.
Anne and Jericho were seated at a small round table. Rather than sitting across from one another, they were seated so close that they were lost in intimate conversation. They looked different, yet harmonious. Anne was wearing an off-white pants suit and her gold jewelry shone in the light while Jericho was wearing jeans and a dark blue button-up shirt. I could have watched them for a long time. There was no pretense, just two people comfortable enough together to be themselves. Reece broke my thoughts with his spoken ones.
“I guess we’re not eating there.”
“I guess not,” I agreed. “No need to interrupt a good thing.”
We settled on a steak house and began walking to it when we ran into Haven and a young woman I recognized from the bonfire. She was the one with tight red curls but this time she didn’t look friendly. She looked territorial. I tried to keep the astonishment from showing on my face and after a brief moment of awkward silence I greeted Haven first and used him as an insincere means to pass them by quickly.
“It’s nice to see you, Haven, if you’ll excuse us, we have somewhere to be.”
“Are you sure about that?” He answered arrogantly. He seemed just as surprised by our encounter as I was.
“She’s sure,” Reece stressed before taking my elbow. I kept my face forward as I passed Haven but he followed us, even if his body never moved from where he stood.
“That was awkward,” I murmured.
“Damn him,” he cursed.
Solemnly my mood changed. Nothing, I thought, was what it seemed.
“Why did this have to happen? Why can’t things be the way they were?”
I couldn’t stop them, I tried. I looked up, then down, and they still fell, just two. And with them came my quiet laughter, as if laughter could drown out feelings. I turned, hoping that Reece wouldn’t see what my face had betrayed.
He stopped me and looked into my face with tender concern. I tried to turn away but he said, “No.”
He put the packages down so he could hold my arms. “I’m taking you home,” he announced and I nodded as I laughed softly and wiped my tears away.
“I am such a kill-joy,” I whispered. He rubbed my shoulders in response.
We didn’t speak all the way back to Anne’s house but we didn’t need to either. Silence was comfortable between us and once we were inside I turned the fireplace on to warm us through and we went into the kitchen where I assembled roast beef sandwiches on Anne’s winter themed plates. Reece poured us some milk and followed me into the living room. We sat in front of the fire facing each other and Reece seemed apprehensive as he ate. He cleared his throat before speaking.
“This is better than a restaurant. You, me, a picnic in front of the fire...”
I smiled in agreement.
And then, to my horror, he said it.
“You have a lot of pain. Don’t you think your dad would want you to be happy?”
For a moment I was taken aback. I dropped my sandwich on the plate with a thud and leaned back on my ankles.
“Happy?” I echoed. “I haven’t thought about it. I once was and someday I will be again.”
“How long has it been since it happened?” He asked. “You can’t keep it locked away forever. Maybe that’s why it’s surfacing now.”
While I sat in mortified silence he continued. “You can’t live in the past. I know. I’ve been there.”
“Who says I’m living in the past!” I fired back. “My dad died! And unlike you, I’m alone, I don’t know-“
“Not alone,” He interrupted. “Willow, don’t you see? When you shut out the pain, you shut everything else out too, even the good!”
Anger took the place of grief and I stood up and stared down at Reece.
“Get out!” I ordered, trying to keep the tremor out of my voice.
He stood in front of me, his face taut but searching. “No, let me help you,” he urged. “You’re angry because it’s easier than being sad.”
“Leave!” I cried.
I backed up towards the archway, anything to gain some distance from him. I didn’t even see him off as I turned and ran up the stairs. I was horrified he had seen through me but the grief and madness I felt was consuming. I threw myself on the bed and began to sob. I didn’t care if anyone heard, I didn’t care about anything, or maybe I cared too much. It must have been months since I last shed a tear and now those tears were carving a river through my soul. I stood and went to the window. It was dark, I couldn’t see but I hoped that meant no one could see me either. I rested my head against the ice cold window and cried until there was nothing left. I ran my fingers through my hair and wiped the tears from my face. I walked over to my nightstand and pulled out my journal. I took up the pen and indiscriminately wrote in broken cursive:
Where are the memories that held us together? Where are the dreams that were yet to come?
I’m afraid to be happy.
If I’m happy without you does that mean I’ve said goodbye?
Goodbye...
I hated the word, I hated separation. And I hated being seen even more.