This Star Won't Go Out

Abraham is finishing my drawing of a roller coaster or sommat so we’re sitting in my bed together. Ok nevermind he has moved on to another drawing of a guy skateboarding. I love his little skate ramps that he, in his mind, has been on. J

Last night was my first “late” night in a whole . . . I stayed up until 2:30 am video-chatting with what was mainly Abby D and Arka but also Maddie and Katie. Therefore, I awoke at 5pm today. Yay, messed up schedule . . . NOT!*

Anyway, I’ve been trying to think of stories I would like to be remembered (therefore stories I can tell), but nothing’s popped up in the ol’ noggin. Poop. :O I just personally kind of like holding a pen in my hand and writing words with it? It’s soothing. Also I’m bored.





*taking a tip from the nineties HAHAHAOME B-)




Monday; July 26, 2010


Explained to Graham today how everybody is born with cancer cells, and sometimes, in people, like ME, the cancer cell comes “alive.” Y’know, he seemed p. interested in it.* I explained it through pictures? Like . . . okay here: (you’re probs not interested in this, Person, but I do not care!!)



“Everybody’s born w/ cancer cells. That baby’s me.”

“You’re chubby.” “Blue is white blood cells, (I explain those) red is red blood cells, & these . . . green ones are cancer cells.” “They’re green?” “Not really.” “Ok.” “So I lived for a long time without cancer.”




“Until France.” “Kinda, yeah. Then, sometimes the cancer cells are . . . bumped or something, or they grow more. That’s when cancer starts.” “Okay [something about farts].”


—Me and Graham


Wow that is so a bad explanation lol lol lol lol


*For the record, “p.” or “v.” or . . . w/e . . . those things mean “pretty” and “very” and . . . whatever lol.


July 2010


My birthday is what in 5 days? That’s p cool that’s p. cool. Lauren Fairweather de The Moaning Myrtles is gonna come out with her boyfriend NONEOTHERTHAN Matt Maggiacomo who is not really that fancy at all. I fooled ya. He’s from The Whomping Willows. Also A Slack is joining us with NONEOTHERTHAN his girlfriend something something who I’m anxious to meEeEeEet.


I don’t know what I want for my bday or what people are going to GIVE me? I literally have all I want and that sounds very “oh what a cute cancer kid I’ve got watery eyes” but really it’s just “I already own things of interest.”


Oh my how I want to write a story in here but I haven’t the energy. There’s a dumb one and a lesser dumb but much more difficult story cooking up in my head. They seem okay . . .


And now I’m off to prance into bed and create a hide-and-seek world on paper!!! ~~~


So. I’ve done nothing today oh I made these silly “characters” for a “paper hide & seek” I’m making. Idk what [am] I even doing ha.


I also spent about three hours (making the characters :3) What do I even do bye.





Thursday/July 29/s.o.b*: tired. Mood: thoughtful?


As I wrote out “tired,” I noticed Blueberry staring, wide-eyed I might add, at me. “Oh that cat,” I thought to myself, “he sure is a curious fellow.”


I proceeded to slowly write th-, then look back up at his round eyes. And oug- o dear me, he was watching the pen’s movements . . . ! htf- don’t autistic kids do something familiar? u- watch things move (such as a mouse cursor, which Blue himself has stared down)? -1 Perhaps Blueberry has some of the same traits as some autistic people do some of their life. Is that a possible thing? Ok.


*s.o.b: state of being, obviously bro.





You’ve come to Esther’s UEDA

Thank you for watching.

Video transcript, nothing more than feelings,

August 9, 2010


First scans tomorrow. I feel scared that they will show up and the cancer will either not have been reduced, or will—there will be more. I feel scared that it will have spread to my bones. I feel kind of lonely because lately I haven’t kept in touch much with my friends. And it’s just something that I feel a lot of the time, seeing as I mainly sit in bed, occasionally on my couch, and, um, spend most of the time with my family or my cats. I feel tired, I’ve always felt tired. I’m confused, very confused. Oh my goodness, confusion is very, very high on my list of feelings right now! I’m also proud of, of pushing myself lately, because, I mean you guys don’t know any of this because it’s just a day to day life thing, like I don’t record it, but I’ve been pushing myself lately to wake up in the morning and to do things.