This Star Won't Go Out

I feel bored. I feel so many more feelings but there’re so many, that I just can’t even find them. I feel slightly overwhelmed by that, that I can’t even figure out what all my feelings are. And I feel sad about things that have happened in my life. And I feel happy that I’m still alive, but I feel kind of ashamed that I’m not doing that much with my life. I feel kind of like I’m fooling people, because you know, in my videos, and in what John Green and all those amazing people have said about me, like, they say these amazing things about me but I feel like I’m fooling you all, because I’m not always amazing, and I’m not always awesome, and I’m not always strong, and I’m not always brave, and you guys should know that, you know? I mean, I’m not always this perfect person. I get pissed, I get, I do stupid things. I . . . I get angsty. I cry. I hate my cancer. I judge people. I yell at my parents. I . . . sometimes wish I’d never gone through this, and then I realize that if that happened I wouldn’t be who I am, and then I get all like “Oh, that’s just confusing.” But then sometimes I do wish it never happened, the cancer thing.


If you are, like, a person with feelings, I kind of urge you to like, write this, write in your diary or your blog post or a video or on a Post-it, like your feelings, because it feels good to just like, kind of see what they are, and even if you can’t figure out all of them, because, holy crap the brain has a lot of feelings! And your heart, or whatever, is an anatomy, anata, anatomicalla-cally correct. I will see you guys tomorrow. Probably.





Thursday, August 12, 2010 9:45 PM, EDT





Esther is 16 . . . (I can’t possibly be the mother of children aged 21, 19, 16, 14 and 6!) Esther’s birthday was low key, with several friends over and lots of intellectual and fun conversation. Dessert was Esther’s favorite cake: Black Tie Chocolate Mousse Cake from Olive Garden. Mmm! She opened some very creative gifts, plus she’s received cards, emails, and a few packages from friends and family near and far. Thank you, everyone!


Monday we were back to the routine, with a long day at the hospital for PET and CT scans, and blood tests. After review, the doctors say that the “smart drug” chemo seems to be slowing down her cancer for now, which is a good thing. It’s also giving her very high blood pressure, so tonight she started on a new medication for that. The best news is that the cancer continues to be contained in her lung area, with no spread to bones, which they were worried about.


Last night we had a game night and played Harry Potter Clue; Abby won! Tonight Graham, Abby and Esther are watching The Lord of the Rings—sounds very exciting in there! We are blessed . . .


Lori (for the Earl clan)





“An A+ drawing of Blueberry at his best,”

AUGUST 14, 2010




August 14, 2010


? I just finished drawing it in pencil; hope going over it in pen (so it stays) doesn’t ruin it too too much.


? Oh dang you, Current Dad! Neither you nor Mom are meant to see this journal until it is jam-packed full of entertaining anecdotes!!! and random drawings, mainly of cats. . . .




Oh this is August 13?—no, 14—and I drew this right now lol and it took about 45 min? Blue kept shifting positions HAH.


But yeah, I’ma go get make up’d and clothes and crap b/c* Mom, Angie, Abby and I are going out to a movie called Eat Pray Love that does NOT look like a chick flick at allll! I’ve seen way too many of these in my lifetime . . .

happy guy/girl

sad guy/girl

crazy adventure

meet kooky lover

kiss

love




Okay there are a few different types of chick flicks, but that is one of them!!!





GOTTA GO OR THE EARL GIRLS’LL LEAVE W/O ME!


*b/c = because (I think I’ve told you that oh well it takes 3 times to remember, right?!)




Friday, August 20, 2010




I don’t know what sparked Abe’s current “need for Mom.” For some reason I’m thinking it was after a longish stay in the hospital full of “is Mom going to be here tonight or Dad or what??” and it must have been/is hard on the guy.* It makes me sad to see him like:


In other news I woke up this morning (7 pm) with a nose bleed. That’s right; I woke up with blood all up in my Bi-PAP mask. It. Was. Fun—


Actually, so far, my day has only been like 4–5 hours long. I’m really going crazy with this “life” thing!!!!! I’m even lying here writing and my eyes’ll close. Silly eyes, I thought you stood for: Escalating Your Eeeeemediate Stimulation ???

GOOD NIGHT.


*I almost wrote “. . . it must have been . . .” EW I dislike when ppl do dat lol.





Sunday, August 22, 2010 1:30 PM, EDT