12. AFTER PARTY
I was laughing hysterically as Issy belted out another Madonna song at the top of her lungs. It wasn’t that Issy had a bad voice…it was just that it was a loud voice, and not fully in key. Her lightheartedness had improved my mood drastically. I didn’t even try and kill her when she grabbed my phone and texted Parker back for me. They engaged for barely a minute before he wised up. I was actually impressed that he knew me well enough to call it. He ended their conversation with a “good luck with your dad, and give Avery back her phone!”
“Amazing,” Issy said as she set the phone down. “He totally nailed me. I thought for sure you two were well into the dirty talk phase.”
“Oh my Gosh, Issy, what did you text him?” I asked with horror in my voice.
“Just that he looked sexy in his shorts and that I looked forward to rubbing out all of his hurt muscles.” Her voice was pure innocence as she turned up the stereo. I couldn’t help but laugh, mostly because Parker already knew it wasn’t me. The thought did make me blush, though. Parker was sweet and kind, and I really liked him. But the only person that popped into my head when I heard “sexy” was Jake. My smile remained until Issy got to the chorus of Like a Virgin, which quickly brought me back to reality. I hit the power button as fast as I could.
“Hey, I was singing that!” Issy yelled as she reached for the stereo.
“No, we have to focus.” The forty-five minute drive to Issy’s dad’s house was almost over and I needed some preparation this time. I walked into a lion’s den with Issy and her mother, and I refused to do it again. “What should I expect here? You made it seem like all was peaches and cream with your mom, and you two hardly said a word to each other.”
“What to expect?” Issy sighed, posing in the thinker position. “Ok, well my dad will act like we are best friends. I will play along. My stepmom will say all the wrong things, and I will either ignore her or say something rude. Her son will likely be reading a book or playing a video game, so he is a pretty low threat. In all, it will feel like a perfectly dysfunctional meal.”
“Ok, then clarify for me, please, why you wanted me here? I thought you and your dad didn’t get along.” I was totally confused at this point. It seemed more that her mom was the estranged one.
“Avery, just have my back. My stepmother tends to bring out the worst in me. You seem to bring out the best in me. I was just hoping they would balance each other out.”
Her comment surprised me, but I finally understood. Sometimes you just need a friend to be there, even if they don’t do anything at all. Maybe Parker was right about Issy. I followed her instructions down a long driveway until out of the trees loomed the largest house I’d ever seen. No, house wasn’t the right word…it was a mansion.
Issy punched some numbers on the keypad and the gates opened, giving us access to the front drive. The house was split level and three stories. It was a butter-yellow color with cream trim and had multiple balconies on each level. The entire yard was filled with tall trees and plush landscaping, making it seem even more expansive than it was.
“Oh, here we go again. Avery, you really need to stop gawking.”
I shot her a dirty look and parked the car, carefully watching her body language as she got out of the car. I’d know Issy for months and had never seen her so tense. She grabbed her purse and whispered under her breath, “Here we go.”
As if given new resolve, she shot me a big smile and pointed to the front door. I followed slowly, turning around with every step to take in the beauty.
The door opened before we even got to it and a young man in khaki slacks and a cotton button-up dress shirt and tie stood there smiling. He was handsome in a rugged kind of way, and his broad face and tussled hair didn’t seem to match his preppy attire.
“Issy, the prodigal daughter returns.” His voice was full of humor, but also had a tension to it. He was watching Issy carefully as if trying to read how she would respond to him. I quickly deduced that those two didn’t get along.
Issy walked past him without a word and waved her hand to dismiss him. I watched his face tense as he shut the door behind us and walked away.
“Your butler?” I asked as he disappeared around the corner.
“No silly, we’re not that rich. He’s my dad’s assistant. My stepmom is obviously smart enough not to let a woman have the job again.”
“You weren’t very nice to him,” I reminded her.
“That’s because he’s a jerk, and not really worth my time or energy,” she explained, but I noted a slight catch in her voice and the way her body stiffened when she first saw him.
“Issy!” Her father said as he approached her with his arms spread wide. He was a mass of a man, well over six feet and relatively built for someone his age. Issy was a good foot shorter than him and seemed to get swallowed up in his huge hug.
“Hi Daddy,” I heard her say in a muffled voice.
“You look beautiful as always, and I love the pink much better than the blue from this summer.” He was touching her hair as he said that, and I almost lost my composure. I guess Issy’s look didn’t have quite the effect she wanted. His attention was suddenly diverted to me, and his massive presence was such that I pulled my sweater tighter around me hoping to find some comfort. “You must be Avery.”
“Yes sir, thanks for having me.”
“Of course! Any friend of Issy’s is always welcome here. Shall we go see Anna?” He wrapped his arm affectionately around Issy and led us though the enormous foyer. I glanced up at the set of stairs that each curved up to the second story like mirror images of themselves. My eyes squinted as I thought I caught a glimpse of someone peaking through the rails, but he disappeared so quickly, I was sure it was an illusion. I turned back to follow Issy’s father, not wanting to lose them in the vastness of the house.
The décor of his home was drastically different from Diana’s. Everything here was rich and ornate with lots of gold and wood tones. There wasn’t a piece of furniture that didn’t look like it was taken from a mid-century European castle. I felt uncomfortable in the space, like I was a tourist who shouldn’t touch anything.
We finally made it to the living room, which was no different from the rest of the house. The floors were gold marble and the walls and ceilings were lined with intricately carved walnut paneling and gold leaf. The furniture was a royal purple with gold trim and looked horribly uncomfortable.
Anna was moving around a vase of flowers as we walked in and practically squealed with delight when she saw Issy. Her mannerisms were eccentric and borderline obnoxious as she grabbed Issy in a bear hug.
“We are so glad you are here! It’s been way too long!” Her voice sounded odd as if it had been trained to hide the southern accent that was all too apparent. She had bleached blond hair and her dress was so incredibly short and tight that I could see her string underwear beneath it.
I was sure I stood there with my mouth wide open as I took in the sight of it all because I didn’t even notice the assistant walk up behind me until I heard him say, “Don’t worry, it’s a lot to take in all at once.” I turned to look and he winked at me before fixing the vase that Anna had just left dangling too close to the edge of the table.
Issy finally detangled herself from the clutches of her overzealous stepmom and came to stand beside me. I took one look at her and almost couldn’t control the giggles.
Her face was red with fury and the likeness to her hair was quite a sight. Tears threatened my eyes as I tried my best to maintain my composure. When Issy saw me, she started laughing so hard that I had no more resolve, and the room came to a halt as everyone watched us succumb to gut-wrenching fits of laughter. I looked up, and Anna seemed annoyed, making it even harder to stop. The only one who didn’t seem taken aback by our outburst was the assistant who watched with a sparkle in his eye. I was sure I was making a horrible first impression, but it didn’t matter at the moment.
We finally got ourselves under control and wiped the tears out of our eyes. The room was silent for only a moment and then Issy’s dad clapped his hands and said, “Let’s eat!” as if nothing had just transpired. Issy grabbed my hand and bounced into the dining room, starting to look a little like her old self. We sat opposite of Anna and her son, who seemed to appear out of nowhere, and Issy’s father sat at the head of the table. I was surprised when his assistant excused himself and didn’t join the family for dinner.
I leaned to Issy and whispered, “What’s he do again?”
“Oh just about everything. Grant’s my dad’s right hand man,” she whispered back.
“Why didn’t he join us for dinner?”
“Would you if given the option?” she replied with such sarcasm that the giggles almost returned.
“Yeah, I see your point,” I whispered back and turned my attention to Anna who was tapping her wine glass with a fork.
“I want to make a toast to Issy,” she said standing. “To a beautiful girl with so much spunk and unrecognized potential.” She raised her glass and drank a sip, acting as proud as if she had delivered the Gettysburg address. Issy’s father beamed with pride, and I couldn’t imagine how a man so obviously smart in business didn’t just catch the way his wife subtly insulted his daughter.
I saw Issy get up from her seat, and I immediately sensed trouble.
“To Anna,” she began, holding her own glass. “A woman with impeccably bad taste and even worse table manners.”
I closed my eyes, sure I had heard incorrectly, but the audible gasp from her stepmom and the stern “Kaitlyn Isadora!” that followed proved me wrong.
“What?” Issy shouted, her jaw rigid. “Insults are only allowed if they are underhanded?”
“I want you to apologize right now,” Issy’s dad demanded with full authoritative measure.
“Tell you what, Daddy, I’ll apologize to her for being honest when she apologizes to me for sleeping with my mother’s husband,” Issy retorted and the room got so quiet, we could have heard a pin drop. I looked down at my plate, wanting to disappear. I was wrong, the silent tension with her mom was a hundred times better than this moment.
Anna stormed away from the table, and Issy’s dad put his head in his hand and started rubbing his temples. Issy sat down, and I could feel her shaking, but her face was stone cold, devoid of any emotion whatsoever.
“Kaitlyn, I don’t know what I’m going to do with you.” Her father’s voice was resigned and lost.
“Don’t call me that,” Issy said flatly, not even acknowledging his comment. “Are we going to eat soon? I’m starving.”
Her dad looked up at her, and Issy flashed him an innocent smile. He excused himself from the table, not saying another word. It was just us three left: Issy, myself and her quiet, little half brother who couldn’t have been more than six or seven years old. He was perfectly adorable with straight brown hair combed over to the side, and he was wearing thin, round glasses. His resemblance to Harry Potter was striking.
“Are you ok?” I whispered to Issy, not sure what the next step in the protocol might be.
“I’m fine, just hungry. Let’s eat.”
“Without your dad?” I asked, feeling really uncomfortable eating their Thanksgiving meal without them.
“Oh, they’ll be back shortly. Anna’s going to have a temper tantrum, he’ll console her, and then they’ll return. Better to shut her up now than hear it all through dinner,” Issy said flippantly as she filled her plate. I watched her brother do the same, careful to not make a sound. I wondered how she could say all of that in front of him with no remorse. I felt sorry for the little guy and was disappointed in how Issy was acting.
“Hi,” I said, addressing him with a smile. “I’m Avery. Did I see you peaking through the stairs earlier?”
He looked down sheepishly and nodded his head.
“I bet you are a master at hiding, especially in this big house. Are there any secret hiding places I should know about?” I asked the last part in a whisper, as if we were having a secret conversation.
He took the bait and nodded enthusiastically, “There’s one door from my father’s study that leads right to the kitchen. I sneak in when Rosa’s not looking and get her homemade chocolate chip cookies.”
“That sounds fabulous! Is Rosa a secret spy?” I asked playing along.
“No.” He chuckled. “She’s my nanny, but she’s strict on the sweets.”
He was an adorable kid and super sweet. I looked over at Issy who was eating her food in silence, intentionally ignoring the whole conversation. I rolled my eyes and returned to her little brother.
“So I told you my name, what’s yours?” I asked.
“Its Andrew, after my father, but everyone just calls me Junior.”
“Well Junior, it’s very nice to meet you,” I said and was just about to reach my hand out to shake his when Issy’s father and Anna returned to the table. Anna had obviously been crying and was still carrying her tissue. Issy’s dad looked more irritated than ever, but quietly served up his plate. The silence went on for what felt like hours, and then suddenly the focus was on me, the one neutral ground in the room.
Soon came the onslaught of questions about my school and classes, where I was from and how I liked Winsor. I was really starting to hate talking about myself and felt like I had been on two exhausting interviews today.
I attempted to change the subject by asking Issy’s dad if he enjoyed Winsor when he went there. He seemed genuinely happy to talk about his experience until Issy piped in about how much her mom also loved the school, even though she sacrificed her education to raise her daughter on her own.
The room was silent again until Rosa brought in the desert and refilled the wine. I was careful this time not to drink too much, but did notice that Issy was working on her third glass.
“So, are you two heading back to school tomorrow?” Issy’s dad asked.
“Yes sir, I’ve got to get back. I’m not sure about Issy.”
“Nope, its Black Friday. My favorite shopping day of the year.” Issy suddenly came to life as if she got the escape route she had been waiting for all evening. “In fact, Daddy, I promised Mom I’d be ready before the sun comes up, so I better make sure I get home in time to get a good night’s rest.” She already had her napkin on the table and was standing up.
“But you just got here. I thought we could take a walk by the lake. I was really hoping to talk to you.” He seeming genuinely disappointed that she was leaving.
“Next time, Daddy, I promise.” She walked over, kissed him on the cheek and left. I excused myself, thanking them again for a lovely dinner and followed her out of the room. Never in my life had I experienced anything like this day. I had sat down for two Thanksgiving dinners and was leaving hungrier than before either of them. How anyone could eat under that kind of strain was beyond me.
Grant was standing near the foyer as we headed to the front door. He was watching Issy closely and I saw her immediately tense as he smoothly asked, “Running away already?”
Her eyes became like daggers as she hissed, “Go to hell!”
Seconds later, she was practically running out the door to my car. I watched as she stood with her hands on the roof for just a second and then turned around, her face completely blank. “Let’s go! I’m dying to get this party started!”
I got in the car, but refused to turn on the ignition. “Issy, you were deplorable in there…to everyone. I’ve never been so uncomfortable in my life.” I didn’t mean to lecture, but I was really upset.
She sighed and put her head in her hands. “I know. I’m sorry.”
I didn’t know what to say, didn’t know how to even begin to be there for her. I drove out the gate and waited for Issy to point me in the right direction.
Ben lived only five houses down, but it was a mile down the road. His gate was open, and we could hear music through the car windows before we even got to the house. The music snapped her out of her daze and Issy looked up with a huge grin.
“Please don’t be mad at me,” she begged, wanting me to smile too. “I promise first thing tomorrow, I’ll call my dad and apologize, ok? Besides, you get to meet all my old friends tonight, and I really want you to have a good time.”
I couldn’t resist smiling as I watched her animated apology. I had to admit, it felt good to get out of the stuffiness of Issy’s world and see something that felt more like Winsor.
We got out of the car, and Issy made me take off my sweater even though it was easily forty degrees outside. A few steps later and we were entering the second biggest house I’d ever seen in my life. Issy was right, I was starting to become numb to the extravagance and just noticed the mass of people that covered the place.
There were makeshift bars set up in three locations, complete with a vast array of liquor, blenders and pumpkin shots. Before we had made it five feet, someone had put a bottle of beer in one hand and a pumpkin shot in the other. I watched as Issy slammed them both back in a matter of seconds and raised her arms up over her head with a proud scream. She was immediately surrounded by people and looked happier than ever.
I took a sip of the shot, more out of curiosity, and recoiled. It tasted good, like pumpkin and cinnamon, but that couldn’t mask the strength of the rum underneath. I set it down, knowing one of those would ruin any chance of us making it back to Diana’s house tonight.
I looked around, having lost Issy in the crowd and saw her on the dance floor with a guy I was sure had to be Ben. He was extremely good looking, almost movie handsome with dark hair that was styled to perfection. He had defined cheekbones and a strong jaw that appeared chiseled. His eyebrows were straight and dark, bringing all attention to his sultry eyes that screamed sexuality. Seeing the two of them together was almost breathtaking because their beauty perfectly complimented one another.
As I watched Issy dance with him, I lost any thought that she felt nothing for him, and it was glaringly obvious that he too was still mesmerized by her. They were so lost in each other that I had to look away, feeling as if I was intruding on their intimate moment.
I was suddenly aware of how isolated I was even though the room was full of people. There was not one familiar face, and everyone at the party looked as if they stepped right out of a fashion magazine.
By midnight, I had finally had enough. Issy had introduced me to all of her old friends and to Ben, who I immediately did not like. He was arrogant and snobbish, meeting every stereotype I’d heard about spoiled rich kids.
Issy seemed to be having the time of her life, floating between partners on the dance floor, but always ended up back in Ben’s arms. The drunker she got, the more inappropriately he touched her, and I was starting to worry a little about leaving her alone. I excused myself from another pointless conversation and went to get her off the dance floor.
“Issy, it’s time to go,” I said pulling her off of Ben. She was barely coherent and was having trouble standing on her own.
“Oh, don’t be a party pooper,” she slurred as she draped herself on me.
“Yeah, Avery, she’s just fine,” Ben agreed with a devilish look in his eyes as he pulled her back to him. I glared at him and put her arm around my neck.
“Do I need to call Jake, or can you help me get her to the car?” My voice was stern, letting him know I wasn’t bluffing. The mention of Jake’s name sobered him up pretty quickly, and he let go of her waist, leaving me to bear her entire weight.
“Fine, take her home. She was getting on my nerves anyway,” he spatted and headed to the bar. I watched him walk away and felt sickened. Issy was way too good for that creep.
Luckily, another of her friends saw me struggling and helped me walk Issy out to the car. We laid her in the backseat and she was out before I even shut the door. I said my thanks and goodbyes, so ready to leave I was practically running to the driver’s side.
I started the car and pulled out of Ben’s driveway, heading back towards Issy’s father’s house. When I got to his gate, I pulled over and tried to pull up the GPS on my phone. No cellular data. I cursed under my breath, realizing that I had no idea how to get back to her mom’s house. Feeling panicked because it was really dark and spooky, I considered for a moment calling Jake, but immediately changed my mind as I thought back to the many times he had scolded me for not taking better care of his cousin. A party at Ben’s house would be unforgivable.
I took a breath and texted Parker, “Are you awake? If so, can you call me?”
It only took a minute for my phone to ring, making me feel more relieved and relaxed than I had all day.
“Hey! Thanks so much for calling me. I know it’s really late,” I said apologetically as I answered.
“Sure. Is everything ok?” He sounded tired.
“I was wondering if you could do me a favor. We were at this party, and Issy had way too much to drink. We’re still forty-five minutes from her mom’s house and I have no idea how to get there. We’re out in the middle of nowhere and my cell isn’t picking up any data. Could you look it up online for me and just get me to a main highway somewhere?” I could feel myself rambling as I tried to justify texting him in the middle of the night.
“Of course. Are you ok? You sound upset.” He was concerned and it registered through the phone. “You haven’t been drinking, have you?”
“No, I’m fine. Just a little spooked,” I answered and then gave him her dad’s address as the start point and then her mom’s. Parker looked it up and carefully guided me to the highway where Issy’s written directions could take over. As soon as I turned on the well-lit road, I could feel the tension start to ease. Dark woods and two girls alone at night was not a good combination.
“Parker, thank you so much. I should be good from here,” I said, not wanting to keep him any longer than I already had.
“Why don’t you stay on the line with me until you get there. I wont be able to sleep until I know you are safe, anyway,” he admitted, and my heart melted.
“Ok, that would be nice. So how did the game end up?”
“It was a disaster. We lost twenty-one to seven, which meant we had dish duty for the entire day. I think my hands are going to be permanently wrinkled. What about you? How did Thanksgiving go with Issy’s family?”
“Honestly, it was a total nightmare!” I exclaimed laughing, finally able to step out the situation and see the humor in it all. I went on to tell him every detail of the day, leaving out the parts about Jake, of course. He seemed as stunned as I was at the extreme dysfunction of Issy’s home life. As always, talking with Parker made every situation seem manageable. We laughed together on the phone, making jokes about Anna and the taste level of their house. We took turns trying to guess the prices of some of the items I described, with Parker even looking up a few of them on line. It was exactly what I needed, and the drive went by so fast, I was almost disappointed when I pulled in Diana’s driveway.
“Well, I’m here. Safe and sound, thanks to you,” I said appreciatively.
“Good. Now I can go to sleep and dream of large purple couches.” We laughed some more and then he got serious saying, “All joking aside, I’m really glad you called me. I will always be here for you, any time…you know that, right?”
“I’m starting to. Thanks again.”
We said our goodbyes, and I went around to the back door to try and wake Issy up. She wouldn’t budge, just batted my hand away when I tried to shake her. I knew I couldn’t leave her in the car, but was at a loss as to how I could get her into her house.
“I’ve got it from here,” I heard Jake say over my shoulder and I almost screamed from being so startled.
“Sorry,” he said laughing. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”
My heart finally started to settle as I watched him carry her to her room. I locked up the house and walked to my bedroom, setting my purse and sweater on the bed. I could feel the tension consuming me and ran my fingers through my hair, closing my eyes as I tried to get myself to relax after being under so much stress today.
I opened my eyes again when I heard a light tap on the door. I looked over and Jake was leaning against the frame watching me. He was rugged and more handsome then I had ever seen him. He was wearing a gray tank and black boxers, which only accentuated his strong, chiseled body. His perfectly manicured hair was messed up and kept falling in front of his eyes. I tried not to stare, but he looked emotionally exposed and that was always when I was at my most vulnerable with him.
“Rough night?” he asked softly.
“You could say that.” I turned away and began taking my shoes off. I didn’t want to talk to him, feeling the way I did.
“I wanted to apologize for earlier. I had a little too much to drink and came on way too strong. It wasn’t fair to you.” He was being so careful with his words, which was not like him at all. In fact, he hadn’t said a word about Issy being wasted out of her mind on my watch either, which really wasn’t like him.
I shot him a look that must have said all I was thinking, because he walked toward me carefully and sat on the bed. “Can we just talk? Like we used to?” he asked taking my hand in his. I didn’t know what to say, so I just sat on the bed next to him. He moved up to where his back was resting on the headboard and pulled me between his legs. My back was resting on his broad chest and his arms were wrapped tightly around me. I closed my eyes, taking in his perfect scent, sure I was in a dream.
“This was my first holiday without her,” he explained quietly, still holding me tight. “I thought I’d be fine, but really neither of us were. Diana was a mess today, trying to make everything perfect so I wouldn’t miss her so much, and I pretended with everything I had just to make her feel better. As hard as we tried, though, it wasn’t enough. Her absence was everywhere.” His voice trailed off and he buried his head in my hair. I didn’t know what to say. My anger towards him had completely melted, and I wanted more than anything to take away his pain. I shifted my body so that I could reach him and ran my fingers through his hair while he continued to rest on my shoulder.
He was still for a long time and then whispered in my ear, “Can I just stay with you tonight? We won’t do anything. I just need to feel you next to me.” He looked up at me and I nodded, lost in his eyes, remembering all the reasons why I fell in love with him to begin with. He smiled at me, almost as if he could read my mind and got under the covers. He was on his back and I rested my head on his chest as he held me. It felt so familiar, so right that I fought sleep as long as I could for fear it would all disappear in the morning.
The sun coming in my window woke me from my sleep as I felt around for Jake. He was gone, and just as I feared, my heart suddenly felt very empty and cold again. I went next door to Issy’s room to check on her, but she was gone too. I knew she was planning to go shopping, but never imagined she would actually make it. I shook my head; Issy never ceased to amaze me.
I showered and cleaned up the room, trying to make it look as perfect as it had when I got there yesterday. I glanced at the bed one more time before I turned out the light and shook my head. So much of my relationship with Jake was a mirage, so real when I was in the midst of it, and then gone in an instant.
I walked into the kitchen and left Diana a note, thanking her for her hospitality. The comfort and warmth I felt when I walked in yesterday was gone; it just felt dark and empty now.
I felt depressed as I drove home, the weight of the week suddenly weighing on my shoulders. My phone beeped, and I grabbed it as quickly as I could, hopeful that it was Jake. It was just the grad student reminding me to take the sample today, as if I could possibly forget. I rolled my eyes and threw my phone down. I hated today.
I got home and unpacked, but my mood was still foul. Parker was getting back today too, and we had talked about meeting up at the library again and possibly going to a movie. For some reason, it didn’t have the same appeal. I sighed, frustrated with myself for being such an idiot, and left to go take samples for the fiftieth time. The whole walk to the lab, I could feel my conscience gnawing at me, but I pushed it down.
I daydreamed of Jake, remembering our kiss in the kitchen, his broken manner in my room last night. It was consuming me. He was consuming me, just like before. I tried to make sense of him, why he was so mysterious. How he could turn it on and off so quickly and effectively. He seemed to need me, to want me, but yet he was gone…again.
The hours in the lab drug on forever, but finally my time was up and I trudged back to the apartment feeling just as defeated as I had earlier. I approached the building and immediately noticed that Danny was sitting on the top step near our landing. My heart constricted for a minute. He looked just as miserable as I felt.
I sat down next to him and patted his leg. “You doing ok?”
He let out a heavy sigh and looked out over the lake. “Not really,” he admitted. “Did she say anything to you?” He turned to me, his eyes almost hopeful. I didn’t know what to say. How could I tell him it was all just in his head and Issy felt nothing for him but irritation?
“She just mentioned that you two weren’t seeing each other anymore,” I lied.
He shook his head and then ran both of his hands up through his hair, leaving it standing straight up. “It makes no sense. Things were amazing. I mean, more than amazing, and one morning she was gone, and that was it.”
I didn’t know what to say so I just ran my hand along his back to attempt to comfort him.
He sent me a weak smile and then continued, “Its my own fault. I mean she told me the first night that she didn’t do serious. I didn’t care at the time. I mean, being around her is intoxicating and in the midst of it, you don’t even think about the hangover. Then she just kept saying yes when I’d ask her to do things and when things between us got physical, I just assumed we were on the same page.” He grabbed his hair in frustration. “One stupid word!”
Watching Danny was like watching myself through a different lens. I had thought the same thing, so sure Jake was my forever.
“Danny, I know this wont make you feel better, but I don’t think that one word changed anything. It may have sped it up a little, but in the end, Issy is Issy.”
“So it’s really over? She wont change her mind?” he asked sadly as if realizing it for the first time.
“Well, I wouldn’t dare to ever guess what’s going on in Issy’s mind, but chances are more likely that she wont.”
He let out another sigh and then stood up. I followed suit and he squeezed my arm before ascending the stairs to his floor. The defeated way he walked matched my own as I unlocked my apartment and slid into bed. I felt too depressed to cry…just wanted to sleep.
It was six o’clock on a Friday night, and I was still lying in my bed. It was pitiful, and I was at my wits end with it. I got up, determined to be a stronger person, a better person. I made my bed and threw on some decent clothes. I would go into Asheville and walk the gallery strip, knowing that I would feel better tomorrow.
My mind lingered on the closet. I still had food in there. It would be so easy. Issy was gone until tomorrow, and no one would ever know. I looked at the calendar. It had been six days, the longest I had gone since breaking up with Jake. I took a breath, and pushed the thought out of my head. No! I was not going to do it!
I grabbed my coat, determined to escape the temptation and almost ran right into Parker, who was about to knock on the front door.
“Hey!” he said, obviously surprised to see me in such a rush. “I was worried about you. I thought you were going to meet me?”
I backtracked into the apartment, feeling more uncomfortable around him than I ever had before. I turned and set down my coat, trying to stop my hands from fidgeting with my shirt.
“Yeah, sorry about that. I just wasn’t up for studying today,” I lied, still not making eye contact with him.
I heard him shut the door and walk towards me. “Your place is great. No wonder everyone fights for these apartments. Its twice the size as mine.” He put his hands on my arms and I jumped, heading right into the kitchen.
“Do you want a drink?” I asked, trying to sound natural. He gave me a confused look and then went over to sit on the lip love seat, running his hands back and forth over the upholstery.
“Let me guess…Issy?” he asked with grin. He was trying so hard to lighten the mood, and each time he did, I felt more horrible. It was like there was a chasm between us that I couldn’t cross, and suddenly the guilt of Jake started to overwhelm me. I stood in the kitchen, not saying anything, and he got up again to walk over to me.
“Avery, what’s going on?” he asked, careful this time not to touch me.
“Nothing, I’m just tired,” I lied. “It was a rough couple of days, and I’m really not up for doing anything tonight.” His proximity to me made me sad. The comfort and closeness I’d always felt with him wasn’t there. Tears threatened my eyes, and I walked away again to my bedroom. I heard Parker sigh and then footsteps behind me. I didn’t know why he wouldn’t just leave.
“Ok, so you are starting to worry me. Did something happen last night after we got off the phone?” His voice was full of concern, and he took my arms in his hands again, firmer this time so he could turn me around to face him. “You can talk to me.”
I looked down at my feet, unable to look him in the eyes. He was so good, and I knew I had to tell him, even if the consequences meant I’d lose him. I moved out of his arms again and sat on the bed, still fidgeting.
“Parker, I don’t know what we are to each other, and because of that, I don’t know what’s ok and what’s not ok.” I took a pause, knowing I wasn’t making any sense. “I wasn’t totally honest with you when I told you I spent Thanksgiving with Issy.”
“How so?” he asked, pulling up my desk chair so he could look me in the eye.
“I didn’t just spend Thanksgiving with Issy. I also spent it with Jake.” The words came out just louder than a whisper, and I looked down at my feet not wanting to see his reaction. He stood up and walked across the room. His stride was rigid, and I watched as his hand began to rub the back of his neck.
“So you two are back together,” he said flatly.
I stood up quickly, “No, we’re not. It’s not like that at all.” I paused again, knowing I had to tell him, but not wanting to. “But, we kissed…and I’ve felt so guilty about it, I just didn’t know how to be around you.” I didn’t know why, but it was like the minute I told him, the chasm closed. I felt his comfort again, even with his back to me, and wanted more than anything to touch him and somehow convey to him what I was feeling.
“Anything else?” he asked, turning to look at me. He was visibly hurt, which stabbed at my heart more than I expected it to. I wanted to say no, to end the conversation, but I knew I had to tell him the rest.
“We slept in the same bed…but nothing happened.”
I watched as he ran his hands over his eyes and then behind his neck as though he was trying to relieve the tension he was feeling. I wanted to make it better—to take it away somehow.
“I’m sorry Parker. I didn’t plan on it. I didn’t even really want to…it was like a freight train that once it got started, I couldn’t seem to slow it down.” I knew I was trying to justify my actions, to make them less offensive, but nothing I could say would do that.
“Then why did you?” His question was direct, honest and I didn’t know how to answer it.
“I don’t know,” I said, frustrated. “I still care about him. I don’t want to, but I do. But we’re not back together, nor are we ever getting back together. It was just a slip.” I looked him right in the eyes, wanting to get back to that place where he would hold my hand and make the entire world seem possible. “I’m really sorry.”
It was as if my words healed the wound, because he walked right over to me and hugged me so tightly I wanted to cry. I had missed him, and didn’t even realize how much until that moment. He released me and cupped my face with his hands.
“I don’t know what we are either,” he said intently looking at me. “But I know one thing, I have no desire to kiss anyone else, and I definitely don’t want you kissing anyone else. Why don’t we start there?”
I looked at him and smiled, feeling the tears bombard my eyes. “That sounds great.”
He leaned in and his warm lips softly covered mine, sending electricity all the way to my toes. There was no desperation when I kissed Parker, only sweet comfort. We stayed locked together until he pulled away and wrapped his arm around my shoulder, guiding us back into the living room.
“So, are you going to take me to a movie, or what? Because you bailed on me today, and Sheila wasn’t there, so I had no choice but to study in silence the whole time. It was pure torture!” He was back to his old self and I laughed, so happy that things felt normal.
“Quiet in a library? Oh, the horror!” I teased as we walked out the door. Maybe I didn’t hate today so much after all.
“Lord, we all fall and make mistakes. I pray she turns to you during those moments and knows that you are her wonderful counselor and prince of peace…”