13. MOMENT OF WEAKNESS
It was finals week at Winsor, which pretty much meant the world came to a screeching halt. The library was packed, and I even saw Issy reading on the couch this morning.
“Oh my Gosh! Is that a book in your hand?” I teased as I made myself a bowl of cereal. “I did not think you owned a textbook.”
“Shut up,” she said throwing her highlighter at me. She tossed her body across the couch as if she was fainting and sighed. “I HATE FINALS!”
“Don’t we all,” I agreed laughing. My mood had been nothing short of chipper since I got back from Thanksgiving. I had a wonderful guy who adored me and everything just seemed to be going perfect.
“Your mood is almost annoying, you know,” she said as she sat back up. “I think Parker’s a bad influence on you.” I knew she was teasing, because Parker had charmed her too just like he did with everyone. “Speaking of which, are you two rendezvousing again tonight?” She had a devilish tone, and I threw her highlighter back at her.
“It’s not like that, and you know it,” I said. Parker had been hanging out with us every night, but he never stayed over. In fact, he wouldn’t even let us go in my bedroom alone. I asked him why and his response was, “You’re a beautiful woman, and I’m a guy. There’s only so much temptation I can handle. I want to take things slow with you…enjoy the little things.” He nuzzled my neck affectionately after he said that, making me feel like the most valued person in the world.
The only dark spot in the last two weeks was the bond I still felt with Jake. It seemed that no matter how hard I tried to push thoughts of him out, they would come back the minute I spent any time with him. He didn’t come over as much with Parker being here so often, but the late nights with Issy never changed. They would get in at two in the morning and Jake would crash on the couch. He would still be there in the mornings when I got up to run, and I would watch him sleep, taken by his ability to look confident and vulnerable all at the same time. As much as I tried to deny it, he still had an effect on me.
It took a week before Jake talked to me again after our night at Diana’s house. It was another late night with Issy and earlier that evening he had ignored me when he came to pick her up, a situation I was getting used to by now. I sighed as I remembered the conversation.
“Avery, are you awake?” Jake asked as he sat on my bed. It was three in the morning, but I had woken up when I heard him and Issy come in the apartment.
“Yeah, I’m awake. Are you ok?” I was uncomfortable with him in my room, mostly because I knew there would always be a part of me that missed him being there.
“I wanted to explain the other night…and this week,” he whispered. The light from the living room allowed me to make out his face, and the shadows of it only added to his perfection. I could smell a hint of alcohol on his breath and wondered if he would even remember the conversation in the morning.
“You don’t have to explain,” I assured him. “It’s not a big deal.” Truthfully, I didn’t want to hear it. I knew he had just used me the way Issy used Danny, and despite that knowledge, having him actually say it would be heartbreaking.
“You’re always there for me, even when I don’t deserve it.” He was looking intently at me, searching my eyes for something and then turned away disappointed.
“I was laying on your couch last night, just staring at your closed door. You were so close, yet I couldn’t get to you. It made me angry, and I thought ‘what the hell? There’s a million more like her.’ So I went out tonight and met them all, and not one held a candle to you.” He turned to look at me, and my heart started racing. So many nights I had dreamt of this moment, when he would realize I was the one and come back; but that was Jake. He always seemed to know right when I was getting over him, as if he could pinpoint the precise moment and do something to draw me back in.
“I don’t know what to say, Jake. We’ve been down this road…and it never ends well for me,” I said softly.
He seemed surprised by my honesty and got up to walk over to my desk. There was a picture of Parker and me that I had just framed and set out. He stared at it for a long time and then turned it over on the desk. He squared his shoulders and sat back on the bed, closer to me this time, his hand tentatively reaching up to gently stroke my cheek.
“I know I’m not the man I need to be for you yet, but I can be. I can be everything to you that he is, only better, because it’s us, and you can’t fake that kind of passion and chemistry.”
I didn’t want it to, but my heart tugged. He sounded so sincere, so genuine that I caught myself, for just a moment, looking at him the way I used to. Seeing all that was good in him and all that we could be. It was if he sensed the change, because he pulled me in to kiss him. I realized what I was doing right before our lips touched and pushed him away. I looked down at my hands and shook my head, unable to say anything. He hung his head and settled for a kiss on my forehead. “You’ll see,” was all he said before he left and closed the door.
“AVERY!” Issy yelled as I snapped back to reality. “Sheesh, where did you go?”
“Sorry, just was thinking about something. What were you saying?”
“I was asking about Christmas. When are you leaving?” She sounded exasperated like she always did when I failed to give her my undivided attention.
“I don’t know. We have a month off, but there’s no way I’m going home for that long. What about you?”
“Are you kidding? Did you forget everything you witnessed? I’m not going back until Christmas Eve...and that’s just to get my presents,” she said putting her book back on her lap as if she was actually going to read it.
“Whatever happened with that, by the way?”
“With what?” She looked up at me like I’d lost my mind.
“I mean with your dad! Things were totally intense when we left there. I actually thought the vein in his neck was going to pop.” I started giggling again at the visual.
“Oh, it was fine. I called on Saturday and told him I was sorry. I told him I was extra sensitive because Mom had been so hard on me earlier about declaring a major. He felt sorry for me and asked if I had fun shopping. I lied and told him no, and that I couldn’t even enjoy it because I felt so bad.” Issy was smirking the whole time she spoke and reached in her purse to pull out a card. “Two days later, I got a $300 gift card to my favorite store. My dad is so predictable,” she said rolling her eyes.
I was stunned. Here I was trying to find the courage to tell my parents about having to repeat and pay for Thermo, and Issy got paid for being a total brat.
“Don’t judge,” she demanded looking at me, and I had to smile. Issy could see right through me.
“Fine, but I should at least get a set of earrings out of it, since I had to sit through that nightmare with you.” I was totally kidding, but Issy perked up and reached back into her purse.
“I’ll do you one better. It’s all yours,” she offered, handing it to me with a smile on her face.
“Issy, I was kidding. I don’t want your money. That’s not why I went.”
“I know that. Take it anyway. I don’t want it. In fact, looking at it just makes me mad.” She was pushing the card on me, and I felt horrible, like I had just lessened the value of our friendship in some way.
“I’m not taking it. I went because I was your friend, and despite the horror of the day, I’d go again. Ok?”
She nodded and put the card down. Issy’s rebound time was typically no more than a few seconds, so she was back to her playful self before I could even take another bite of my cereal. Something about her face gnawed at me, though. I wanted to ask her probing questions, but I was all too aware of the time and that my Themo test was in less than two hours.
I put my dish in the sink and headed to my room to change, preparing my mind for the inevitable failure that I was about to embark on. Over the last two weeks, I had made great progress in recovering my status as a “reliable student” and was even praised by Dr. Davis’ grad student on the work I’d done in the lab. But as much as I tried, Thermo was just too far gone. Despite knowing that, I still spent six hours last night cramming as much information in my head as possible. I wouldn’t even let Parker near me, knowing full well he would do nothing but distract me. He feigned being hurt, but deep down I knew he couldn’t stand it when I was physically next to him, but mentally somewhere else.
I walked to class deflated, taking as much time as I could to get there. The worst ten minutes for me were right before the test was passed out. My stomach would start to flip and I would second-guess all my studying and convince myself I would fail. I would spend the next five minutes doing breathing exercises to relax myself. Thinking about it, it really was ridiculous how much pressure I put on myself to be perfect. No wonder I never measured up.
The air was chilly this morning, and my nose was already red and numb from its bite, but I still sat on a bench in front of the engineering school to wait it out. I didn’t want to get into class until exactly ten and still had twenty minutes to kill. I looked around, watching each student as they passed by. Most looked as stressed as I was feeling, but some were laughing and chatting in groups, comparing answers or arguing about how to solve a problem.
I started to wonder if each of their lives were as complicated as mine, if they struggled like I did to fit in or feel self-assured. I looked especially at the girls and wondered if any of them had made themselves throw up like I did last night just to settle the panic of a failing grade. I shook my head, not wanting to revisit the fact that I had thrown away weeks of progress because of one moment of weakness. I looked down at my watch again. My time was up…let’s get this over with.
“So, how did it go?” Parker asked as he sat on the grass next to me. I had just finished my test, and it was as miserable as I had expected it to be. I was lying in our favorite spot in the quad, trying to stop myself from rethinking every problem. I opened my eyes to look at him tenderly. He was so handsome, and just seeing his face relaxed me. I reached up to pull him close to me and kissed him.
“That well, huh?” he asked smiling, taking the opportunity to smother my neck with kisses and tickle me.
“No, it was awful!” I said through my laughter, trying unsuccessfully to push his hands off me. “STOP!”
He finally did and then propped up on his elbow, so we were face to face. He was staring at me with total adoration as he moved a piece of hair off my face. Sometimes I wondered if he would still look at me that way if he knew all the secrets I kept hidden in my thoughts.
“Come home with me,” he stated as if he just decided to ask.
“What?” I asked sitting up.
“You said you weren’t going home until right before Christmas anyway, and I don’t want to be away from you that long. Besides, I want you to meet my family.”
I suddenly felt stressed. “I don’t know, Parker, they’re going to think its weird me coming to their house around Christmas when we haven’t even be dating that long.”
“Are you kidding me? My mom has not stopped hounding me about it since I told her about you at Thanksgiving. In fact, I don’t even know if I’ll get my Christmas presents if I come home empty-handed. Just spend a few days with us before you go home, please?” He was looking at me with puppy dog eyes, and I knew I was going to cave. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to meet his family…I really did. I just didn’t know if I was ready for it. Everything with Parker was all in, almost to an overwhelming measure. He never did anything halfway, and there was still a part of me that I wasn’t ready to give him.
I smiled at him and gave him a light kiss. “I’ll think about it.”
He laid back on the grass next me and we just stayed in silence for while. His hand was covering mine like he always did, and I wondered if life got much better than this. Parker made all things seem possible, even when I knew they weren’t.
I sighed, not wanting to end the moment, but also unable to fight my own practicality. “Don’t you have a test in an hour?” I asked not moving.
“Oh the bitter words of reality,” he said as he sat up. I felt a shadow cover my eyes, and I opened them in time to see Parker’s beautiful blue eyes as he leaned in to kiss me. It was passionate and full of wanting, and took me off-guard for a minute because he had never kissed me with such intensity before. I looked at him questionably, but he didn’t say anything—just grabbed his stuff and shot me wink before he headed off to class.
I laid on the grass a few minutes longer, enjoying the heat of the sunlight against the cold breeze of the day. It suddenly hit me that finals were over, and I was free from the pressures of school for the next month. The realization sent a wave of ease through my whole body and out of the blue, I felt so energetic, I wanted to get up and run home.
Christmas was coming in a few weeks, and I hadn’t done any shopping. Asheville was the perfect place to go, and I couldn’t wait to get there where I knew that each little store downtown would smell like cinnamon and be filled with the wonderful sounds of the holiday. I still hadn’t decided what to get Parker. My budget was pretty slim, especially with the tuition payment looming over my head, and I wanted it to be meaningful, to somehow convey thanks for all he had done for me this year.
I walked though several stores, looking at knives and watches, each more than double what I knew I could spend. I was starting to feel frustrated and opted to take a break so I could walk through my favorite gallery. They had updated all the photos on the walls, and I was blown away by some of the new pieces.
My eye caught one piece in the corner that attacked my heart with a flood of memories. It was a black and white close up photo of a zip line. The background was fuzzy, but in crisp focus were the line and a gloved hand solidly grasping it. The picture was angled on a diagonal and felt like you could jump right into the photo. As if in a daze, I asked the lady at the counter if they had any smaller prints for sale and within minutes had purchased an eight by ten copy. I found a beautiful black frame at the next store I went to, and the effect was breathtaking. I convinced myself I was giving it to Jake as healing for his mom, and nothing more. After all, this would be his first Christmas without her.
I ended up agreeing to go with Parker to meet his family before heading home for the holidays. He was picking me up at one, and I knew I should get up and pack. I stayed in bed longer, wanting to ease the anxiety that was starting to fill my chest. Meeting parents was a big deal. What if they didn’t like me? What if I didn’t like them? I brushed the thought aside. There was no way Parker’s parents could be anything but wonderful. He turned out way too good.
I threw off my covers, knowing full well I had to at least get a short run in today or I would be a total mess. I got dressed and stepped out of my room, quietly shutting the door, so I wouldn’t wake Issy or Jake, who had only just gotten home a few hours ago. To my surprise, the couch was empty, and Jake was moving around in the kitchen.
As always, my body had a physical reaction to seeing him, and I hated it. He wasn’t wearing a shirt and his jeans were slightly open at the top. His hair was going in every direction, and I smiled, knowing I preferred it to the perfect styling he usually had. He looked up, catching me staring at him and grinned.
“I thought you’d be getting up soon,” he said in a cheery voice.
I walked tentatively toward the kitchen to make my energy drink for the run and was taken aback when Jake slid it to me at the bar. I looked up at him questionably.
“You drink those before you run, right?” He asked as he started to wipe down the counter. “I’ve been watching you in the mornings, and it seems to be your ritual.”
I wasn’t sure what to say and stood there staring at him in disbelief.
“How many miles are you running today?” he asked while he continued to work.
“I don’t know, I haven’t decided yet,” I whispered, unable to find any volume in my voice.
He leaned over the counter to look at me, resting casually on his elbows. “Why do you always look so surprised when I do nice things for you?”
“I don’t know,” I answered, finally getting my vocal cords to work. “I guess we never really got to this part.” I knew Jake was aware of how uncomfortable he made me. He seemed to relish it, like my uneasiness around him gave him confidence. He came around the bar and stood so close to me that I could feel the heat radiating off his chest.
“I meant what I said the other night,” he said quietly, the sparks between us so extreme that I literally felt frozen in his presence.
“I’m leaving today,” I finally said as I took a step backwards, looking for any excuse to put some distance between us. “And I probably won’t see you until after Christmas.” I walked back in my room, grabbed the perfectly wrapped present, and handed it to him. “So here. Merry Christmas.” I was trying to be as nonchalant as I could, but my heart was slamming against my ribcage to the point where it almost hurt.
He seemed startled by the gesture and began opening it, taking care not to tear any of the paper. He turned the frame over to see the photo and quietly ran his hand over the glass, stopping on the gloved hand in the picture. His eyes said it all when he looked up. They conveyed his pain with such ferocity that I wanted to take him in my arms and tell him everything would be ok. But I didn’t. I just stood there in silence, waiting.
He closed the space between us and hugged me with such sincerity that I had to fight the tears that were starting to invade my eyes.
“Thank you,” he whispered in my ear, burying his face into my hair as he held me. I hugged him back, but with much more reserve, remembering how quickly Jake could muddy my senses with his touch.
He slowly released me, but didn’t step back, instead stared in my eyes, searching as always for some unknown thing. “Spend the day with me. We’ll go do the lines again just like before.”
“Jake, I can’t.”
“Just as friends, I promise. Your parents won’t care if you go home today or tomorrow. Give me this.” His urgency surprised me.
I hesitated and moved away, grabbing my headsets for the run. “It’s not my house I’m going to,” I explained softly.
Understanding registered on Jake’s face, and I saw his jaw tighten. I moved towards the door, all the sudden feeling suffocated by the room. “Have a wonderful Christmas, Jake. I mean that.”
“Avery,” he called as I was about to open the door and was next to me in an instant. I could feel his breath on my forehead, and I closed my eyes, unable to manage the way his scent overwhelmed me. I felt his hand move over to my wrist and capture it, rubbing two of his fingers across the inner skin as if to check my pulse. I knew my heart was still racing, giving away the effect he had on me. “You forgot your phone,” he said quietly and put it in my hand. “Have a wonderful Christmas too.”
I looked up at him and he was smug, obviously pleased at my reaction. I couldn’t seem to get out of the door fast enough and could hardly catch my breath once I did. It was unfair how I was feeling. Unfair to me and to Parker. I took off at a sprint, ready to escape the crushing truth that part of my heart still belonged to a man who was fully capable of destroying me.
“Lord, I pray she knows you as her rock and her salvation. I pray she trusts you at all times and pours her heart out to you…”