9. VORTEX
Jake was gone before I woke up on Saturday and didn’t come back around. Issy was still avoiding Danny, so we spent the afternoon shopping in Asheville and doing other “girl” things like getting our nails painted. It had been a while since I had just good, carefree fun and it felt refreshing.
Issy spent most of the time giving me the background on her family drama, so I wouldn’t be surprised on Thursday. I still wasn’t sure how to tell her I had decided not to go, but I’d deal with that later.
I guess her mom and dad met in college and got married pretty young. Issy came along after they had graduated, and her mom opted to stay home with her while her dad got into the business world. To hear Issy’s point of view, you’d think her dad was a monster.
“He got into the habit of buying my affections around my fifth birthday, and I’ve taken full advantage of that since. He topped it all though, on my twelth birthday,” Issy explained as the massage chairs were kneading out the tension in our backs. “He had promised to take me to a concert that night, but was running late as usual. My mom decided to drive me to his office to save him the commute time (or so she said), and that is when we got to see him and his assistant going at it. Talk about a quick way to have the birds and bees conversation with your kid.”
“Oh my gosh! Did your mom suspect?” I asked, horrified at the visual she was painting.
“Of course she did, but I don’t think she expected us to see what we saw. Even she seemed shocked. Needless to say, I did not get to go to the concert. Instead, I spent the next year going to custody hearings and counselors. Fun year.” The sarcasm in her voice was potent, but her face concealed any emotion she may have been feeling.
“How do you do that?” I asked, once again amazed at her ability to detach.
“Do what?”
“Be completely apathetic, like you’re telling me a story of someone else’s life? Jake would do something similar too, except his was more of a zoning, while your face just stays vacant. I can’t master that. I’m a total open book.”
Issy chuckled. “Yes, you are, and worse, you are a terrible liar. But that’s beside the point. I’m vacant because that is how I feel…empty. There is no emotion there because I feel nothing for my father. Jake zones because he’s stuck in the past, trying to figure out what he could have changed.”
I cursed Issy in my head. I didn’t want to hear that. I didn’t want to feel sorry for Jake or see anything redeeming in him. It was too painful.
“See! There you go again!” Issy said pointing. “Your face total shifted. You thought something and it immediately reacted. Don’t tell me Jake didn’t hurt you. I know you’re lying.”
“Fine, he hurt me. What does it matter?”
“It matters because I don’t want you to change.”
“I’m afraid it’s too late for that, Issy. Life changes you. It just does.”
She leaned back in her chair knowing full well I was right. We finished the rest of our pedicure in silence, neither one of us wanting to talk about the men in our lives who hurt us.
We had about two more hours before dinner, so we decided to hit some of the art galleries in town. Looking at art was by far my favorite thing to do in Asheville. I had always been blown away by the creativity of others. I didn’t have an eye for such things, and was inspired when someone could take a simple object and make it look spectacular. I think that is why photography appealed to me so much. Being able to look at the world from completely different angles and find beauty in it was incredible. Issy bored pretty easily and didn’t understand why I spent so much time on each picture.
“I guess I just don’t see what you are staring at,” she said mimicking my intensity. “I mean, it’s a picture. You look at it and move on. What are you trying to find? Is Waldo in there or something?”
I couldn’t help but laugh. Issy looked at life though the eyes of a child, seeing only the obvious and stating it as well. “I like to imagine what they were thinking when they took the picture. Why they chose that angle and how the lighting sets the mood. There is so much more to the pictures then what you see at a glance.”
“Ok then…what does this picture say? To me, it says ‘I’m a spiral staircase with people on me.’”
“Actually, what is so awesome about this picture is not what it is, but the image that it gives. He used the shadows and textures to create what looks like a spinning vortex. The addition of people makes the staircase appear so large that it could swallow them up whole. Kind of how life seems sometimes.”
She looked at me and then at the picture again with new insight. “That’s amazing.”
“Yes, it is,” a soft voice agreed behind us.
Issy and I both turned around to see the owner of the mysterious voice and to my surprise, Parker was peering over our shoulders at the same picture. “I thought that was you,” he said pleasantly with the same charming smile I remembered. “This is one of my favorite galleries.”
He looked exactly like he had the other day—jeans, t-shirt and a black backpack, although his t-shirt was an army green today instead of red.
“You two know each other?” Issy asked looking back and forth between us.
“Yes, in fact, you must be Issy, the fun and exciting roommate Avery told me about. I’m Parker.” He reached out his hand to shake hers.
Issy was overtly checking him out and then turned to me. “I like this guy.”
I just smiled, feeling a little embarrassed to be put on the spot, but Issy didn’t waste any time. “We are on our way to grab some dinner, wanna come?”
Parker looked at me for a confirmation, making me feel a little guilty for not being the one to ask. “Um yeah, you should come. We were just going to the sandwich hut down the street.”
“Hey, I should call Jake and see if he wants to join us,” Issy said mischievously as I flashed her a panicked stare even Parker picked up on.
“I’m sure he has other plans,” I stammered unable to process why Issy would be so cruel after our earlier conversation.
“Too late, I’ve already texted him and he is on the way.” There was a gleam in her eye, and I wanted to crawl in a hole.
“Ok then,” I said gritting my teeth and doing my best to keep a smile plastered on my face. “Let’s go.”
Issy was in true form as we walked to the restaurant. She latched her arm through Parker’s and started giving him the third degree. “So, how did you meet our Avery?”
“We actually met in the quad. She was sitting there, looking very lovely as she watched the sunset, and I just had to say ‘hi.’”
I hadn’t realized I was holding my breath until I finally released it. He didn’t mention that fateful night at all, or my total meltdown. I was once again impressed at his character and how he had gone out of his way twice now to spare my feelings.
“So you’re a student at Winsor then? What major?”
“Pre-med,” he answered.
“Wow, pre-med, what made you decide on that field?” At that point, I hit Issy as discretely as I could and gave her the look that said, What are you doing?
She ignored me and continued to wait for his reply.
“I love people, and I thought what better way is there to make a difference in their lives than to help them when they are in need of care? People are at their most vulnerable when they’re sick and I want to be someone that can give them peace, and if I’m lucky, healing too.” I was really starting to wonder if I had imagined him, because there was no way this guy was for real.
“You will love my cousin, Jake, then. He always says he’s the ultimate caretaker.”
I unknowingly sucked my breath in when she said that, which caused a coughing spasm so severe that we had to quit walking. All I could think of was how much I wanted to be in the photograph getting swallowed up by the vortex so I could escape this moment. Parker immediately came to my aid, patting my back and handing me a bottle of water he had in his backpack.
“Thank you,” I said between coughs until I finally got myself under control. “I don’t know what happened.”
Parker walked into the restaurant to get us a table, and Issy whispered in my ear, “He’s cute! Why didn’t you tell me about him?”
“Because there is nothing to tell,” I fired back. “I’m going to kill you, by the way!” Despite my irritation, I turned and smiled at Parker when he joined us again.
“They have a table ready now if you want to go in.”
“Great! Lead the way.” Issy was as playful as ever which was the only thing keeping me from a full-fledged panic attack. I had no idea how I was going to react with Jake in the room, and how much more awkward it was going to feel with Parker sitting right there. It wasn’t like he and I were dating or anything, but Jake brought out the worst in my insecurities, and I didn’t want Parker seeing that.
Parker pulled my chair out for me and then sat down adjacent to it, all under the watchful eyes of the always-perceptive Issy.
“So Issy, you heard all about me. What about you? What are you studying?” Parker asked with genuine interest.
“I’m in the undecided category,” she explained. “I figured its kind of like my hair, there is no reason to commit until you are sure. I figure I should take all the classes I like now and then my senior year, I’ll just figure out what major I can use to graduate and declare that one. My theory is that I’ll really like that major because I picked those classes by choice and not off some degree plan.”
Issy’s logic was remarkable. She was so convincing, I almost thought it was a good idea.
“I can see some reason in that,” Parker said nodding. “Can’t say I’ve ever met someone on quite the same academic plan, but then again, I’ve never met someone with two different colored ponytails either. I think originality is a gift, and you certainly have it in spades.” Parker’s tone was totally complimentary and authentic, as if he was validating her right to be her own person.
“Thank you,” she said with a hint of pride.
I wasn’t sure how he did it, but Parker had a way of making you feel really good about yourself, like your individuality made you special and unique.
“What about you, Avery? We never got to that on our walk the other day.”
“I’m in engineering. I’m not sure what specialty, yet. I don’t have to decide that until next year, but I’m starting to think I may go into civil. I’m kind of fascinated with different types of structures.”
“Ahh, that explains your love for the staircase in the picture.”
“Yeah, maybe so.” I had never thought of that before, but it made sense, especially considering my two favorite art pieces were of a bridge and a pier. I never considered the idea that art and engineering could come together, but maybe it could.
We continued to make small talk until the waitress brought our drinks and the menus. Issy’s battering of questions revealed that Parker was from Boone, North Carolina, which was about two hours from Asheville. His parents had been married for twenty-seven years, and he had an older brother who did missionary stuff overseas. He explained how the town was named after the famous explorer, Daniel Boone.
I never thought hearing about someone’s hometown would be so interesting, but Parker had us falling out of our seats laughing at the stories he would tell. I was having so much fun I almost forgot Issy had called Jake until we heard him move the chair out and sit down.
“What’s so funny?” he asked, giving Issy an annoyed look.
She had to fight to get under control and wiped the tears out of her eyes. “Parker was telling us stories from his hometown, and they are hilarious. The one of Mr. French and the cat…” Issy stopped talking due to fits of laugher, and I followed suit. Jake looked considerably put out that he wasn’t included, which sobered us all up a little.
“I’m sorry, Jake. I guess you had to be here,” Issy said apologetically.
“Well, I’m here now. So, what’s for dinner?” He grabbed a menu and began looking at the specials. I couldn’t believe he didn’t introduce himself to Parker. In fact, I had never seen Jake so off his game before. It almost seemed as if he was uncomfortable being in the same room with us. I took that as a direct slam against me and realized that Issy probably forgot to mention that she was with me today. I wanted to crawl under a rock and looked down at my fidgeting hand, wondering how in the world I ever thought this guy cared about me.
“You ok?” Parker whispered in my ear sounding genuinely concerned.
I just looked at him and nodded, trying to give a convincing smile, realizing that I would have to do a better job at the whole hide-your-feelings thing.
I looked up at Jake, who was staring at the exchange between me and Parker, and he seemed almost hostile. I quickly adverted my eyes and went to Issy who appeared very pleased with herself.
“Jake, this is Parker, Avery’s friend from school. Parker, Jake,” Issy offered. The guys nodded at each other, the way men tend to do when uncomfortable, said muffled hellos, and then went back to their menus.
My anxiety was almost in full attack, as I felt my heart racing and my breathing become labored. I cursed myself, begging internally to calm down. I suddenly felt Parker’s hand over mine, just like he had in the quad. The effect was almost immediate. My heart slowed, my breathing became normalized, and I could feel the color returning back to my face.
He let go as soon as I had calmed and smiled up at the group. “I know what I’m having, how about you?”
We ordered our food and Jake excused himself to take a phone call. I was visibly more relaxed as soon as he left the table.
“I’m assuming there’s a backstory there,” Parker said gently, once again leaning into me.
“It’s complicated…and not at all an interesting story.” I knew I was trying to downplay the tension and my erratic response to it, but Parker knew better even though he dropped it, not wanting to make me more uncomfortable.
He turned his attention back to Issy and asked her what she liked to do for fun. I don’t think he had any idea what an open-ended question that was, because all Issy does is “fun.” It defines her life.
They were actively engaged in stories of road trips and adventures they wanted to take when Jake returned to the table. He had his old swagger back, like he had pulled a telephone booth transformation. He grabbed his chair by the back of it and slid it over my direction as he sat down. He was sitting so close to me that our knees were touching and I felt his hand settle on the inside of my thigh near my knee. He was rubbing his finger up and down, so lightly and provocatively that my body immediately felt like it caught on fire. My pulse quickened and I looked up at him, not sure what to expect. His eyes were smoldering, like he was ready to devour me. I suddenly felt embarrassed and exposed, wondering if Parker or Issy had caught that exchange. Luckily, they were still engaged in animate story telling, so they didn’t think it was odd when I excused myself to the bathroom.
I grabbed both sides of the sink and glared at myself in the mirror. I had to calm down; I had to find some control. How was he able to affect me like this…with just one touch! It was ridiculous! I splashed some cold water on my neck, gave myself another pep talk and made my way back to the table.
Our food had come, and I dreaded the idea of eating in such a stressful environment. There was no question I had a love/hate relationship with food. Life would be so much easier if I just never had to eat again, but here it was, surrounding me as always, mocking me with the realization I would never be free of its hold on me.
I moved my chair away from Jake as I sat down, which by default meant I was almost touching Parker’s. He smelled really nice, like an airy freshness that comes after a morning rain, but masculine enough to make your senses alert. He smiled up at me when I sat down and filled me in on their conversation.
“I was asking Issy here how you two met.”
“Oh no, what did she say?” I was almost afraid to relive that first day through her eyes, having no idea how distorted it may appear.
“Why would you say that? I was perfectly complimentary,” Issy pouted.
Jake was texting on his phone under the table as if we were having the most boring conversation known to man. I ignored him and turned back to the group.
“She was very complimentary,” Parker assured me. “Said you were shy and timid, but she could see you had lots of heart. She also said she had never seen anyone run as much as you did.”
I blushed and nodded, thinking of how many miles I had logged that first week, most of them driven by the excitement and anticipation of seeing Jake. What a joke!
“Parker runs too,” Issy pointed out. “He’s in some kind of military fraternity and they run all the time.”
Parker started laughing, and it was infectious. “They’re not exactly a fraternity, but we do run. Maybe we could go together sometime?” he asked, looking at me.
Jake chose that moment to come back into the conversation. “I’m ready to go. You guys finished?”
“Avery hasn’t had a chance to finish eating yet, besides I’m having fun,” Issy whined.
“No, I’m done. I’ll just get the rest to go,” I assured her, thrilled to have an out.
“Where’s your car, Issy? I’ll take you back to it.” Jake was trying to hurry us as if he had somewhere to be…or someone to be with.
“Actually Jake, you and I need to plan our Thanksgiving meal. Mom promised to let me pick all the dishes this year, and I need your input.” Issy had threaded her arm though his and was pulling him out the door. “You two go ahead and keep talking, we’ll meet you back here in a little while.” And like a puff of smoke, they were gone. I didn’t know whether to feel nervous or excited about being left alone with Parker. Honestly, it just felt nerve wracking, like I was on a first date or something.
Parker was chuckling and turned back to me. “Issy is amazing.”
“She’s something, all right. You just never know what to expect next.” I was shaking my head, but my voice held nothing but affection for my quirky roommate.
“There’s a coffee shop on the river if you want to go. They have the whole area lit up this time of year for Christmas and it’s a really beautiful walk.”
“I’d love that,” I answered, eager to get outside where the fresh air could wipe away all my confusion. I texted Issy the new plan and let Parker guide me out the door.
The walk was every bit as he described. Trees were lined with white lights, each placed in perfect equal distance from the other. The walls along the river had swooping white lights coming together at wreaths made of red lights. The air was crisp, a perfect fall night that made you wear a jacket and scarf, but didn’t chill you to the bone.
Parker was giving me the background of the city and why they started doing the Christmas lights each year.
“You like to look beyond the obvious, don’t you?” I asked as we were walking.
Parker looked at me questionably as if to say he didn’t understand.
“You never take anything at face value,” I continued. “You always seem to have a story that goes along with it, whether it be Sheila in the library or even just a walkway by the river. Even me. I was a wreck when you saw me, on the edge of a complete meltdown, but you act like it never even happened.” I was looking down at my feet as I walked and felt him stop and turn me to face him, taking my hands in his.
“Avery, you weren’t wrecked when I saw you, and your story doesn’t define you.”
I shook my head. “I still can’t understand why you would even want to talk to me after seeing that.”
“What I saw that day was a girl who was broken and raw. A girl who wasn’t afraid to examine her life and figure out how to move forward. I sat there watching you and couldn’t take my eyes off you. The anguish was real, and I just wanted you to know someone cared.”
“That’s so pathetic,” I scoffed, angry at myself for being so transparent.
“No, its not; it’s remarkable. Do you have any idea how many people never get to that point? How many go through life never stopping to realize that they’ve fallen? Avery, those people can never get up. You can.” He was intently looking at me, almost pleading with me to believe him.
“I wish you could see yourself through my eyes,” he finally said when I continued to look away from him. “That night I saw you watching the sunset, it was like a ray of sunlight had descended. You looked so beautiful sitting there, waiting, anticipating an answer from the sky. There was a hopefulness that drew me to you—a glimpse that something great is happening within you.”
He moved in closer to me and I turned my head to watch him carefully, not knowing what he was going to do or even if I wanted him to. I felt so confused. So struck by the difference of how I felt with Parker versus Jake. He pulled my hands up to his face and lightly kissed my fingers. It was soft and lingering, and warmed me to the core.
“Don’t sell yourself short, ok?” He was still searching my eyes. I nodded and smiled weakly at him. He turned to continue walking, but kept his hand securely in mine, lacing our fingers together.
Jake and Issy were already at the coffee shop waiting when we got there. I quickly took my hand out of Parker’s before we walked over to their table. If it bothered him, I couldn’t tell. He just said cheerful goodbyes to everyone and then turned to leave, giving me one last smile on his way out the door. I sat down at the table, and Issy got up to get a refill.
“What are you doing?” Jake asked, scooting himself over so we could whisper.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean having Issy call me over just to parade another guy in front of me.”
I was horrified at his implication, “Jake, I had no idea Issy would call, and I certainly wouldn’t have let her if she had asked. You and I both know Issy does whatever she wants to.”
“And the guy?”
“Seriously? Are we living in two different realms of reality? You are sleeping with someone else. I don’t owe you any explanation.” I knew my tone was cold and accusatory, but I didn’t care.
“For the record, I am not sleeping with her. You judge things too quickly, Avery. I never said I didn’t care about you, just that I needed some space. I didn’t see that as a license for you to go hook up with a new guy.” He sounded furious at me, which only added to my confusion.
“I’m not hooking up. We just met, and it’s nothing more than friendship at this point, anyway,” I explained, suddenly feeling very defeated.
“Avery, that guy doesn’t want to just be your friend.” His eyes were like daggers, reaching the very core of my heart, and he had grabbed my arm sometime during the exchange. I was sure people around us could feel the heat we were generating, and I suddenly felt very uncomfortable this close to him.
“Why do you even care?” I asked as I pulled my arm away. He didn’t answer and I was weary from our staring contest. I got up to leave, not saying another word to him. He stormed away from the table and out the door, leaving me to do nothing but wonder how it was possible to send so many mixed signals.
Issy was uncharacteristically quiet on the way home. I tried to think like Parker would and see what was behind the surface, but came up blank. Issy was impossible to read.
“Is everything ok?” I asked.
“Yeah,” she sighed. “Jake and I just got into a fight again. He’s so controlling; it makes me crazy.” After another second of silence, she added, “Boy, Parker really knocked him for a loop. I’ve never seen him so agitated.” She giggled to herself, pleased to be the culprit who was responsible. “At the coffee shop, he kept looking at his watch, asking me how long it takes to go just three blocks.”
“Why did you even invite him?” I asked quietly.
Issy seemed surprised that I didn’t understand. “I thought you’d enjoy showing him that you had moved on.”
I sat there quietly; my head was beginning to pound.
“So do you like him?” she asked.
“Who?”
“Parker! My goodness, Avery, the guy you spent the evening with!”
“Yes, of course I like him, he’s possibly the greatest guy I’ve ever met. I just don’t think I’m ready for him right now. I’m too messed up.”
“No one’s ever too messed up for a cute guy, Avery, especially one that looks at you the way he does. I like him! If you don’t act soon…I may just have to jump in.”
I shot her a warning glance and she smiled, knowing she’d caught me. Issy was a master at getting people to spill their secrets and innermost thoughts. I sat quietly rubbing my temples, ready to be home, ready to make sense of this incredibly complicated evening.
I got to my room and locked the door. Being alone wasn’t helping; I just kept replaying all the scenes over and over in my mind. Jake rubbing my leg, Parker kissing my fingers, Jake acting like he cared or worse—like he was jealous.
I felt that feeling in my stomach again, and I started pacing. I had gone three days. That’s a long time. I didn’t want to mess it up. I didn’t want to do this. Besides, Issy was in her room and she had heard me the last time. I couldn’t do it.
I felt slightly resolved and sat on my bed, taking deliberate breaths to calm myself down. I was clutching my comforter and willing my mind to behave, but it refused. Thoughts bombarded me, thoughts of the dorm and how easy it had been to keep my secret. Memories of how I would hide in my closet and throw up in a trash bag. No one ever suspected. The thought penetrated every part of my mind. I could get away with it. No one would know, and I wouldn’t have to deal with the crushing emotion that was consuming me. It was too much to fight. I grabbed my trashcan, made sure my door was locked, and headed into the closet.
I couldn’t get much up since I hadn’t really eaten my dinner and what did come up was so acidic it felt like daggers in my throat. The dry heaving wrecked my stomach, and my eyes were watering from the sheer strain of it. But despite everything, I felt better—felt more in control of my life.
I sat on my closet floor, breathing like I just finished a run. My hair was damp from sweat and my eyes were so heavy with exhaustion it took all my strength to clean up and hide the evidence. I looked in the mirror, so saddened by what I saw. I had failed again. I let out a heavy sigh...I would just start my count again tomorrow.
“Lord, I pray she knows your unfailing love and how to find refuge in the shadow of your wings. I pray that she knows you delight in her and that in your light, she will see the true light…”