6. PUSHING LIMITS
The night was serene and slightly cool with just a light breeze. I felt like I was living out the perfect romance movie when Jake came to pick me up. He looked totally dapper in tan pants and a fitted V-necked sweater.
I finally settled on an Audrey Hepburn look, classy yet sexy, sporting a fitted black dress with a thin belt around the waist. It was a dress that fit my body well and I tried not to fidget too much as I kept running my hands over any area that felt soft.
His reaction melted my heart and made my confidence soar. He grabbed me by the waist, pulled me close and kissed me on my neck. “You look perfect.”
We had dinner reservations at an Italian restaurant in Asheville that came complete with beautiful music and candlelight. The food was delicious, although I did more picking at it than eating it. I hated eating in front of other people. Jake and I made small talk all through dinner, mostly sharing funny Issy stories.
I looked at him from across the table. I had only known him a few weeks, but in that time he had taken up residency in my thoughts and heart in such a way I didn’t know how I could live without him. I wanted him to feel the same way, where he would talk to me and confide in me. I longed for the closeness.
“I realized when I was getting ready tonight that I don’t really know anything about you. Not even what you want to do when you graduate,” I started, hoping to seize the opportunity. The past few weeks together had been less about talking and more about making out and sneaking around.
Jake smiled flirtatiously, as if reading my thoughts, and settled back into his seat. “I’m hoping to get into stock trading, maybe even dabble a little in international stocks.” He paused as I processed the information. “Why the look?”
“Oh, it’s nothing. I’m just surprised that a guy who labels himself as the ultimate caretaker wants to get into such a cut-throat business,” I answered.
“But that’s exactly why it appeals to me. It’s totally about you. In fact, the more selfish you are, the more successful you are,” he explained, his voice full of excitement.
“I guess I didn’t realize that you didn’t like doing it.”
“Taking care of people?” he clarified, and I nodded. “It’s not that I don’t like it. I mean, with my mom and Issy, I wouldn’t want anyone else doing it. But sometimes I just feel, well, trapped by it.” He paused in thought for a second and then asked, “Is this your idea of light dinner conversation?” He had humor in his voice, but I changed the subject anyway.
“Issy said you are in a fraternity. Do you like it?”
“Was in a fraternity, not anymore,” he clarified.
“Why not?”
“I grew up. I mean, I just kind of got my priorities straight this summer and realized I had to focus and finish school. It is my junior year, after all. My mom never even graduated from high school. She got pregnant with me and did what she had to in order to make ends meet.” He didn’t mention his dad, so I assumed he was out of the picture.
“Your grandparents didn’t help?”
“They were pretty old when my mom was born. She was a surprise, so by that time, they really weren’t able to help that much. Mom wasn’t really the type to ask anyway; she was pretty self-reliant, felt she could do it on her own. I guess I know who I get that from, right?” He was trying to lighten the mood, but my heart felt so heavy I had to say something.
“Issy told me she passed away this summer. I’m really sorry. She sounds like a wonderful woman.” I was cautious as I spoke, wanting to convey my compassion, but not wanting him to feel like I was overstepping some imaginary boundary.
“Thanks. Yeah…not the best three months of my life.” He paused, moving around the remnants of food on his plate. “Why do I feel like I’m bearing my soul every time we talk?” He leaned up on the table closing the distance between us saying, “I think we need to do more kissing and less talking.”
I leaned into him, putting less than an inch between our faces. “Maybe it’s time you were with someone who could do both.” I could tell my comment got to him as his guard seemed to drop for an instant while he kissed me. He pulled away and my eyes searched his, but the moment was gone and his relaxed, nonchalant demeanor was back.
“I love your eyes,” he said casually, still staring at me. “They are so light they look like blue ice crystals. I’ve never seen anything like it.”
I blushed and turned away. “I don’t even know how you can say that when you stare at yours every day in the mirror.” He lifted my chin back up and gave me a stare so smoldering that my breath caught.
“We should get out of here before my thoughts get us in trouble,” he whispered. “Besides, I want to show you where I live.” He grabbed the check, and I stood up and followed him out, excited, but nervous to be alone with him in his apartment.
Jake lived in a studio apartment only two blocks from the restaurant. The décor was pretty modern, and I knew without asking that Issy had been involved in the decorating. The only piece of furniture that looked like Jake was a long, soft leather sofa that nuzzled around you when you sat in it. I glanced up and saw a staircase leading to a small loft with a queen sized bed and dresser. My stomach started doing flip-flops as I realized how inexperienced I was in this situation. I had never been in a guy’s apartment alone before, and had never gone further with a guy than kissing.
I sat on the couch feeling completely out of place, putting my hands in my lap to try and settle the shaking. Jake grabbed us a few drinks out of the kitchen and turned on the TV. There was a basketball game on and Jake hit mute, so we just saw the screen. He slid behind me on the couch, straddling my legs as he pulled me back to him.
“You’re so tense,” he said, rubbing my shoulders.
“Sorry, I’m just not used to being so alone with you. In my apartment, there was always the thought of Issy walking in to hold us accountable,” I admitted.
He started moving my hair and kissing the back of my neck. “We don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with,” he whispered as he continued to move up my jaw line to my ear. Every nerve ending in my body was on fire, and I was acutely aware that his free hand was resting on my exposed thigh.
“That will become a very short list if you keep kissing me like that,” I admitted, fighting every instinct I had to turn around and attack him.
“You promise?” His words were so soft they could have been the whisper of butterflies, and his touch so tender that I wondered how anyone could have such gentle lips. He started to unzip the back of my dress and I froze, completely terrified.
He chuckled, laid back on the couch and pulled me in to join him. “I love your innocence,” he said stroking my arm. “You don’t see that much anymore.”
I turned around to face him on the couch and kissed him with all the desire I felt welling up in me. He let me drive the moment, continuing to be a total gentleman. When I wanted to stop, he just held me close while we talked for hours. I knew right then that he was all I wanted, in every sense my match. I was sure of it.
Jake became the perfect boyfriend after our dinner date. Even Issy noticed his devotion and stopped giving me the warning speeches each morning. He’d call or come by every night and we’d talk for hours about anything or nothing. It didn’t matter.
He was interning at one of the largest stock trading companies in North Carolina. He took me step by step through what they were learning and how much fun he was having. I loved listening to every bit of it, so excited to see him happy. He was also opening up more and more about his past and with every new insight, I found myself falling harder and harder for him.
“I found my father, you know,” he said, stroking my arm one night while we were lying in my bed. “My mom didn’t think I knew who he was, but the town she lived in wasn’t that big, and it’s amazing what’s on the Internet.”
Jake had always been so cryptic about his dad that I didn’t want to do anything to stop him as he finally opened up to me about him. “Did you speak to him?” I asked cautiously.
“No. I had tracked him to Atlanta. He was an art director for a media-marketing firm, which is how I was able to find him. Just like in movies, they credit the designers on the websites. I had decided I would confront him; force him to deal with what he did to my mom, so I told Issy I wanted to take her on a road trip to get out of town after her big breakup. She was more than eager to go. I parked outside his office building and watched people go in for two hours, wondering with each passing figure if it was him. Then we left. I haven’t been back.” He was staring at the ceiling as if in another world.
I had learned with Jake that there were only two options when he talked about his past, stay quiet or say something witty. If I said anything serious, he would immediately shut down and change the subject. I chose wit.
“Issy really let you sit there for two hours? I didn’t know she sat still that long!”
Jake smiled and kissed my nose. “It was six in the morning when we got there. She was still asleep. She woke up two hours later and insisted on breakfast. If not, I’m not sure how long I would have stayed there. I just can’t imagine how he could walk away and never once think to check on her. I was so furious at him that I almost cracked my steering wheel, but something wouldn’t let me out of that car.” He was lost again in the past, watching the scenes in real time on my ceiling. I saw him shake his head as if to wake himself out of his trance.
He turned to his side and started kissing me, softly at first, and then with growing intensity. Jake had been sleeping over a lot lately, and each night we seemed to go farther and farther. He made me lose my senses and question every boundary I had ever set on intimacy. He was especially aggressive tonight, moving his hands all over me.
My mind was at war with itself. I wanted to succumb to the feeling, totally let myself go in his arms. But, I had always imagined myself waiting until I was married. I wanted my first time to mean something. I loved him…I knew that, even though I had never said it to him. He was everything I wanted.
I felt him start to unbutton my shirt. “Jake, I don’t know…”
“Shhh, just for a little while. I want to feel close to you.” He was kissing my neck and mouth with pure hunger and I felt hypnotized by it. I started to question why I was even waiting. Most girls my age had gone this far with a guy many times.
Jake stopped kissing me and we locked gazes, each saying all we needed to with one look. He gently touched my face and whispered, “You’re so beautiful, Avery.” His eyes were penetrating mine, and I was so enthralled by his sincerity that I allowed him full access to my body and soul. I knew in that moment I wanted him to be my first and my last. I responded to every one of his touches and Jake immediately sensed my wavering. He hesitated for just a second and whispered, “Are you sure?”
My body was on fire, and I had no ability to resist him any longer. “Yes,” I answered breathless. “I’m ready.” He leaned back in, his mouth consuming mine, and no more words were spoken.
Jake was still asleep as I studied him. He looked so serene and beautiful that I wondered if I was dreaming. I softly ran my fingers through his hair, feeling that our souls were now connected in some way.
Last night wasn’t exactly what I’d expected. Jake was careful and soft, and when I looked at him, everything else seemed to disappear. But the euphoric, out of body experience I had been promised in books and movies wasn’t there, and sometimes, it even felt uncomfortable. I pushed those thoughts aside and focused instead on how much I loved the man in my bed. He was warm and caring and made me feel like I was special. As if he knew I was thinking of him, he opened his sleepy eyes and looked at me.
“Hi,” he said with a slight grin.
“Hi,” I whispered back, my stomach in knots.
“Are you ok?” he asked, moving hair off my cheek.
“I’m fine.” His eyebrows peaked. “More than fine,” I corrected, laughing. He drew me into a bear hug and kissed me hard before getting up. He walked around the room picking up his clothes, and I turned my head, embarrassed at his exposure.
“Do you want breakfast?” I asked, feeling mildly insecure.
“No baby, I wish I could, but I have to get home. Big test tomorrow.” He got dressed so fast that it almost looked as if he was running away. I tried to settle the growing uneasiness in the pit of my stomach.
“I’ll call you later,” he promised, as he gave me one final kiss and was out the door. I stumbled into the bathroom, still in shock over what had just happened.
“Lord, I know there will be times in her life when she feels lost and broken. I pray in her weakness that you become her strength…”