8. GLIMMER OF JOY
Minutes felt like hours, and hours felt like years, but somehow I managed to survive for two days after my crushing breakup with Jake, without another major breakdown. The pit was still surrounding me, but each day I survived, it felt like I was one step closer to the light.
Today was Friday, though, and weekends always seemed to be the hardest. Next week was Thanksgiving, and I knew the campus would be empty. Part of me relished the thought—the idea of being alone for such a long period of time. I could find a good book and immerse myself in a world better than my own, but part of me also knew the loneliness would get the best of me, and I would dive back into the world of self-indulgence with food.
After being inspired at the quad, I had committed to myself that I would never throw up again, but these last two days were so hard I couldn’t see how it would last. I wanted to believe what that speaker said about darkness being light and me being wonderfully made, but with each passing hour, I was forgetting how it could be possible.
The first day, I tried counting calories again, a practice I had done a lot in high school, thinking maybe if I was just aware of everything that went in my body, I wouldn’t feel so guilty when I ate anything. It wasn’t helping. Each time I added a number to my total, I would cringe, immediately wanting to get it out of me. Dieting was also way too hard to do, and if willpower was something I had, I don’t think I would be in this predicament to begin with.
Yesterday, I tried not eating altogether, but I had never been very successful at that. Today, sheer determination and distraction were the only things getting me through.
I thought about the stranger on the bench who had been so kind to me that day. He never said a word, just waited until I calmed down and then patted my hand to say goodbye. His mannerisms somehow conveyed that he was sorry I was hurting.
The concert went on for another hour after he got up, and it held a combination of music and speaking. The music was great, but a lot of the words didn’t make sense to me. My time there was a good reprieve, though, because Jake had tried to call three times. He wanted to make sure I got home safely, he had said on my voicemail. I immediately deleted it, feeling total hatred. My anger had subsided a little the last couple of days, but now the sadness was taking over. The sadness of what I had lost—my dignity, my future and my body. All of which were choices I had made with no regrets at the time. I was feeling regret now. In fact, I was feeling it so strongly that I could almost taste its bitterness.
The timer buzzed in the lab, and I immediately took the sample out of the freezer and ran the required tests. If there was one thing I had learned this semester, it was that I abhorred lab work. It was mind numbing and tedious. A chemical engineering emphasis was definitely out of the question I assured myself. Then the sadness hit. Why would I even think about a specialty? I may not even have a scholarship next year! Tears bombarded my eyes again, and I wiped them clean with my sleeve. I was starting to detest my tears. They came and went at will—never caring whether the time was appropriate or not.
I finished up the tests and made sure to put all the samples back in the refrigerator, checking all the instructions twice to make sure I didn’t forget anything. I signed out in the log and headed home, dreading it. How had it only been four months since my first day when everything looked so promising?
I pulled out my phone as I walked, knowing I had to make this phone call, but dreading every second of it. I hadn’t told my parents I wasn’t coming home for Thanksgiving yet, and while they probably wouldn’t care, I knew my mom would use this opportunity to pry. The phone was ringing and I took a deep breath to control my nerves.
“Hello?” My mom answered in her usual sweet tone.
“Hi Mom. How are you?” I asked trying to keep my voice as steady as I could.
“I’m good, Avery. How are you? Are you heading our way tomorrow?”
“Actually mom, that’s what I was calling about. I’m not going to make it home this year. I have a lot of studying to do, and I volunteered to help out with some lab testing over the break.” It wasn’t totally a lie.
“Oh, ok dear. So where are you going for Thanksgiving?” she asked concerned.
“Um, the campus has a big dinner they put on. I’ll be fine.” That was a lie.
“Well, just remember that Thanksgiving isn’t a license to let yourself go. You don’t want that college fifteen to sneak up on you. Have you still been running?”
I rolled my eyes, wondering how my mom could always take any conversation back to my eating habits. I felt my stomach start to fill with anxiety and willed myself to calm down. “Yes, I’ve been running faithfully every day, and my diet is perfect.” Another lie.
“Good. I’m glad to hear it.”
We continued our conversation a little while longer, with her doing most of the talking. She told me all about the latest fad diet her and my sister were doing and promised to send me all the information she had on it. I feigned interest, but felt more and more stressed the whole time I talked to her. Finally, after I had remained on the phone an appropriate amount of time, I told her I had to go.
“Well, we’ll miss you,” she finally said after asking one more time if I was sure I couldn’t make it home.
“You too, Mom. I’ll talk to you later.”
We said our goodbyes, and I hung up the phone, feeling more beat down than I had in two days. I looked around me, trying to find anything that would bring me peace.
The sun was starting to set and the sky was amazing, full of reds and oranges as if the sun was streaking across the clouds in a wonderful dance. I found my bench (the one from that fateful night) and just stared up at the sky, hoping to find that same spark I had felt there just two days ago.
The bench moved slightly, and I peeked up to see a familiar face looking at me. “We really should stop meeting like this,” he offered, his eyebrow shooting up.
I immediately turned red, knowing the last time he saw me I was on the verge of a complete emotional breakdown.
“You must think I’m crazy,” I stated, facing him. He was actually really cute, a thing I had no ability to process the first time I saw him. He had sandy blond hair that was cut pretty short and dark blue eyes. I assumed he was a student here because he was dressed pretty simply in a t-shirt and jeans. Normally, I would feel uncomfortable in this situation, but the smile that moved across his lips was so genuine and honest, I immediately relaxed.
“Nah, we’ve all had our moments. I mean, I’ve actually seen people start banging their head against the wall during finals week.” He was trying to make me feel better, which was sweet of him.
“Thanks.”
“I’m Parker. My first name, not my last. It confuses people sometimes. It was my mom’s maiden name and now it is a source of constant explanation for me.” He was leaning up with his elbows on his knees and looking around the campus as he spoke, finally resting his eyes on me after he finished. “And you are?”
“Avery,” I answered. He had a charm about him that was refreshing. It wasn’t the intense attraction I had with Jake, where I wanted to crawl inside of him and get lost there, but I felt at ease with Parker, and it was nice. “It was not my mother’s maiden name,” I teased.
He gave me another smile and stood up. “Can I walk you somewhere? It’s starting to get dark, and I’d hate to think something might happen to you.”
“You don’t need to. I’m just going to University Apartments; they aren’t that far.”
“I don’t mind…if you don’t?”
“Um, ok.” I got up, and we started to head towards my apartment. He was taller than me, but not by a huge amount. He was certainly shorter than Jake, but stockier, and I could see that his t-shirt pulled a little against his large biceps. Comparing Parker to Jake made me sad again. I hated that Jake was now my standard for all guys. Hated how he had made me believe I was important to him when the whole time I was just like everyone else.
“Are you always this quiet when you walk with someone?” Parker asked. I hadn’t realized that my mind had wandered for so long.
“I’m sorry. I just have a lot on my mind right now,” I said sighing, feeling like a complete jerk. “Do you live on campus too?” I asked trying to make conversation.
“No, I was not so lucky. I have a place in Asheville that I rent with another guy. He’s pretty cool, so it works well. Do you have roommates?”
“Yes, I do. One of them I’ve never met. She’s in Portugal on exchange. The other is amazing. Her name is Issy, and she is fun and exciting, but not around much lately. I kind of miss her.” The words came out before I could stop them. What was I thinking telling a perfect stranger how I was feeling?
“Yeah, I can see that. I’m not much for being alone either; I’m kind of a people person, you know.”
“Really? I couldn’t tell,” I teased. “Have you been at Winsor long?”
“I’m a junior. Working on pre-med. I really thought this semester would be easier for some reason, but I think that was wishful thinking. The ladies in the library are starting to ask me how my parents are doing…using their first names.” He saw my confusion and explained. “I get bored easily so I tend to find people to talk to. Sheila works nights in the medical section. She is a single mom with two kids. I find her inspiring, though. Did you know she is the only person in her family to graduate high school and here she is with two kids working on her English degree? She wants to be a teacher. Isn’t that cool?”
He was unlike anyone I had ever met. Just cheerful and honest, like we had been best friends for decades. I didn’t know who Sheila was. In fact, I had never once stopped to notice any of the people who worked at the library, despite the hundreds of hours I had spent there. I studied him, my eyes questioning if it was possible for someone to be this nice.
“So which one is yours?” he asked, his chin moving up as if to point to the buildings. I hadn’t even registered that we were here.
“Building 1, my stairs are right there.”
“Great! Well Avery, it was so nice to finally meet you. And now that I know you are safe, I’m going to drag myself back to my car with much less enjoyment than I had walking you home.” His face lit up with animation when he spoke, and his genuine smile nudged a little at my hardened heart.
“Thanks again…and it was really nice to meet you too,” I replied, deciding that it really was.
“You sound surprised,” he noted, acting as if he was hurt.
I laughed and then admitted, “Ok, maybe a little, but pleasantly.”
“I can live with that! You have a great weekend, Avery. Oh, and keep smiling like that. Your eyes light up when you do.” He winked at me and turned to leave. I realized as he walked away that his car was in commuter parking, the other way across campus. His chivalry had added over a mile to his walk.
I felt good as I walked up the stairs, almost happy. Maybe this weekend wouldn’t be so bad after all.
As always, I spoke too soon, because staring back at me when I entered my apartment were Jake’s stunning green eyes. He was sitting on the couch with Issy watching a movie.
“Hey guys,” I somehow managed to say as I walked in the door. The crushing pain from the other day returned, and I felt myself stumble back down into the pit. My heart broke all over again as I watched his cool confidence, empty of any feeling he used to have for me.
“Avery, hi!” Issy yelled jumping off the couch to give me a big hug. “I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages! We’ve decided to do a marathon of The Office this weekend since the nightlife before Thanksgiving is nonexistent.” She went to sit back down by Jake, who had made very little movement since I walked in the door.
The glimmer of joy I had started to feel, vanished, and my bitterness came rushing back. “Sounds like fun,” I muttered as I went to the kitchen. I refused to hide in my room just because Jake decided to show up at MY apartment. “If I made popcorn, would there be any takers?”
Issy put her hand up enthusiastically.
“Jake?” I asked coolly.
“Yeah, I’ll take some.” He didn’t move his eyes from the TV.
What a coward, I thought to myself, as I threw the popcorn in the microwave. I don’t know how I didn’t see that before. Every time there was an uncomfortable situation, Jake would check out.
I put my books in my room and then passed out the popcorn. An open seat was available on the couch, but pride alone was not going to let that happen. I sat on the lip love seat that had actually turned out to be pretty comfortable and started watching the show. The tension I felt between me and Jake was so thick, I couldn’t believe Issy wasn’t making some snide comment about it.
“So where is Danny tonight?” I asked, wondering how he would be missing when they had been inseparable for weeks.
“I wouldn’t go there if I were you,” Jake warned. There was a hint of amusement in his voice that a week ago would have sent flutters to my stomach. Tonight it just made me angry and even more sour then I was already feeling.
“Danny’s over,” Issy said nonchalantly, and then started hysterically laughing at something happening on the screen.
“Why?” I asked, concerned. I really did like Danny.
“He said the ‘L’ word.” She said the letter “L” with such disgust that I thought she might lose her popcorn.
“The ‘L’ word? Am I missing something?”
“Really, Avery? Jake, I’ve left her alone way too long. L-O-V-E. Yuk, I can hardly say it.”
It took me a second, but then it struck me. I did the same thing to Jake. Love must be a bad word in their family because both of them seemed to run for the hills at the sheer mention of it. I lifted my eyebrows, suddenly feeling like I was talking more to Jake, than to Issy. “Well, just give it time. I’m sure he’ll get over it soon enough.”
They both turned to look at me, dumbfounded by my lack of interest on the subject. I guess I understood. Up to this point, I had been the hopeless romantic of the group.
“What? Do you think you two have the market on being indifferent?” I asked rudely. I didn’t like how I was acting, but I couldn’t seem to stop myself. I was hurt and angry, and seeing him just sit there was making me want to scream.
They both turned back to the show, not saying much else. Issy looked at me one more time with a questioning look on her face. My response was a silent “What?” and she dropped it.
I lasted about an hour, but then excused myself saying there was only so much “Michael” I could take. The truth was, there was only so much Jake I could take without completely breaking down, and I had had my fill. The only positive thing…I didn’t throw up tonight. That marked three days now…and if nothing else, that was something worth smiling about.
Around two in the morning, I heard a knock on my door. “Avery, are you awake?” Issy whispered.
“I am now. Come in,” I answered, sitting up in bed and turning on my lamp. “Is something wrong?”
“No, I just wanted to talk to you, and knew I had to wait until Jake was asleep.” I peeked out my door and saw him passed out in his usual position on the couch.
“Ok, what about?”
“I just wanted to see if you were ok…you were acting a little strange tonight. I tried to talk to Jake about it, but he got defensive like he always does when he behaves badly with a friend of mine. I just don’t want you to leave like Betsy did. It’s partly why I tried so hard to keep you two apart.”
I sat there silent for a while. That speech was the most serious dialogue Issy had ever given, and I didn’t quite know how to respond to it. Part of me wanted to tell her everything, to confide in her about my struggles with food and about the horrific way Jake ripped my heart out. But that would require vulnerability, and I was still healing from the last time I had given it to someone. So, instead I deflected to something true, but much less honest.
“Issy, you don’t have to worry about me leaving, well unless my grades don’t come up.” I sighed and then lied through my teeth. “I’m not upset about Jake. I was never that serious about him anyway. It’s my grades that have me on edge. I’ll be on probation with my scholarship next semester, and if I don’t get them back up, I’ll lose it for good.”
“I’m sorry. I had no idea.”
“It’s ok. I have no one to blame but myself. I knew it was going to be a hard semester, and I chose not to make it a priority. I’m just going to have to really buckle down next semester. Which, of course, means much less partying.” I tried to give my voice a teasing edge to let her know I didn’t blame her, and then I changed the subject. “So, what really happened with Danny?”
“It just got too intense. I like to have fun; I’m kind of a free bird like that,” she explained, her face completely void of any emotion.
“Is he upset?”
“I don’t know. I stopped taking his calls,” she answered nonchalantly.
“Issy,” I scolded. “That’s horrible. You didn’t even tell him why you were breaking up with him?”
“You have to be dating in order to break up, Avery.”
“You’ve been sleeping over there for weeks. That’s dating.”
Issy just shrugged. “Maybe to you. I don’t do relationships. Anyway, when are you leaving for Thanksgiving?”
“I’m not.”
“Ohhh, you should come with me!” I immediately looked skeptical and started to decline. Issy jumped in before I could say anything. “Come on, Avery, you’ve never met my mom and there is no way I can deal with my dad without you there. You have to come!”
“Won’t you have Jake? You don’t need me.”
“Are you kidding, that’s exactly why I need you. I hate Jake when he is around my mom, and he can’t stand my dad and refuses to go over there with me. I need a buffer…please…pretty please.” Issy was impossible to turn down, even when the idea of sitting around a dinner table with Jake made my pulse race.
“I’ll think about Thanksgiving Day only. I’m working the rest of the week.”
“You’re the best, Avery! I’m so glad you moved in!” She jumped off my bed, the seriousness of our conversation long gone, and said good night. I had no idea how I was going to manage what she was asking me to do.
“Lord, set her feet on level ground and let her walk in your truth. Show her your love is ever before her and lead her to a place where your glory dwells…”