Shallow Breath

44

Jackson




By the time Jackson decides he’s well enough to get out of bed, thirty-six hours have passed since he last saw Kate. His throbbing head has finally quietened, and the wretched nausea has given way to an incredible emptiness that makes him search his neglected food cupboards in despair. The nearest shops are in Two Rocks, so, after he has staggered across to the camp bathroom and tried to freshen himself up a bit, he heads for his car.

The landscape is immersed in a heavy mist this morning, and he cannot see more than a few metres ahead of him. Yet that’s far enough to notice that Kate’s tent has gone, and he does his best to stall the dejection that threatens to send him back to the bottles by his bed.

As he drives down the track towards the gate, his father suddenly looms into view, waving at him to stop. Jackson winds down the window and leans out.

‘When you see Maya, or your girlfriend, tell them it’s not acceptable to take the dinghy out without permission,’ Charlie grunts. ‘Next time, they need to come and ask me.’

Jackson is confused. ‘You mean Kate? Kate and Maya took the dinghy out?’

‘Yep, in the middle of the bloody night as well. God knows why they felt the urge to go diving in the dark.’

His father marches off in the direction of the office, and is swallowed alive by the fog. Jackson sits there astounded for a moment. As far as he knows, Kate and Maya have hardly spoken to one another. Now they are going night diving together? What the hell…?

He considers turning around and finding Maya to ask more, but his cramping stomach impels him to keep going. The blanket of mist adds a surreal air to the journey, making him momentarily unsure of turnings he knows off by heart. When he gets to Two Rocks, he finds a small cafe open and comes out with a greasy sausage roll. He sits on the marina wall while he eats it, contemplating what to do with his day. Although he can see nothing of the water, he can smell the briny air, and taste the salt, and he watches two old seadogs moving in and out of view as they load up their boat for a trip. Gulls whirl and swoop overhead, calling to one another, and a few land nearby, sidestepping closer and closer, their envious yellow eyes fixed on his food. One begins to caw angrily at the rest while they wait for errant crumbs.

After Jackson screws up the empty packet, he stares into space for a while, trying to collect himself. The gulls gradually lose interest and fly off into the void. Eventually, he makes a decision, stands up, dusts himself off and walks back to the car.

The shack is hidden by the fog as he drives up the short track. When it looms into view, it seems larger and more forbidding than usual. Although Jackson was born here, he has few memories of the place before it belonged to Desi. Yet the times he’s spent here have been some of the happiest and saddest of his life.

He heads up the verandah steps to knock on the door.

‘Hey, little brother.’

He jumps, startled. Nearby, Desi is sitting on the verandah seat, a blanket over her legs and a mug in her hands.

‘Sorry, didn’t mean to give you a shock,’ she says, a teasing gleam in her eye.

She seems entirely at ease with him. Perhaps she hadn’t minded that he had hardly been to visit her in prison. He smiles in reply, his awkwardness making him rub repeatedly at the base of his neck. Eventually he sits next to her, staring out towards the invisible ocean.

‘What are you doing out here? There’s not much of a view today.’

‘It’s easier to think in the fresh air.’ She throws the blanket over his legs. The gesture reminds him so unexpectedly of Hester that he experiences a surge of longing in his chest, and an alarming prickle in his eyes. He breathes steadily, trying to push it all away.

‘You okay?’ Desi is watching him, concerned.

‘I honestly don’t know.’

‘Pete tells me you’ve been to the Galapagos. Was it amazing?’

He scuffs his feet against the old wooden floor. ‘It was.’

‘I can’t wait to hear about it.’

Jackson pauses, takes another breath. ‘Des, I’m so sorry I didn’t come and visit you much this last year or so.’

She waves the apology away. ‘Don’t worry, I understand. If I’d had any choice in the matter, I wouldn’t have gone near the place either. That’s why I asked you and Pete to keep Maya away.’



‘It wasn’t just that.’ He hesitates, but he doesn’t want to leave the truth unspoken between them. ‘I felt responsible. I was pretty sure it was what I said that day that made you go after Rick.’

She doesn’t look at him. ‘Yes, it was. But the fault was all mine, Jackson, never yours.’

‘You told the lawyers you didn’t remember.’ He looks at her and she turns to him. Their faces are so close that there is no misreading one another.

‘I still don’t remember getting into the car and going over there,’ she says, her eyes not leaving his. ‘I must have been incoherent with rage. It was like I was sleepwalking – and when I came to I was standing in front of our wrecked cars, and Caitlin was in Rebecca’s arms on the floor.’ She sighs. ‘It was a waking nightmare. But I always knew what had driven me to it.’ Her voice cracks. ‘It will never leave me, but I’ve had a lot of time to contemplate how I might learn to live with it. That man has taken enough away from us. He won’t take any more.’

‘So what are you going to do now?’ he asks, still staring out towards the absent sea.

‘I’m going to get my life sorted,’ she replies. ‘One step at a time. Starting with being here for Maya.’

Jackson grimaces. ‘I haven’t even seen her since I got back.’

‘Ah yes, been busy, have you? I met your girlfriend, if you remember.’

Jackson’s heart sinks. ‘That’s not the case any more.’

‘Want to talk about it?’ He notices she doesn’t sound surprised.

‘She’s got issues at the moment, apparently.’ He looks at her again, apprehensive. ‘Do you know anything about that?’

Desi doesn’t respond right away. As he follows her gaze towards the water, he sees that at last the mist is finally clearing. Beyond it, the ocean waits, pensive, no life to it yet today.



‘I do know something,’ she says. ‘But I promised her that I wouldn’t tell her secrets.’ She makes an apologetic face at Jackson. ‘Are you okay with that? If it helps, I think she might come and spend time with us again in a little while, if she can.’

Jackson shrugs. ‘Yeah, well, whatever. I saw Dad this morning and apparently Maya is her new best friend.’

‘Really? What made him say that?’

‘It’s a bit strange, actually. They went on some night dive together last night, and used Dad’s dinghy without permission. So now Maya is in Dad’s bad books for a change.’

To his surprise, Desi suddenly sits bolt upright, knocking her mug against his leg and sending warm tea sloshing over his jeans. She doesn’t even notice. ‘A night dive? I didn’t even know Maya could dive.’

‘I taught her while you were gone.’

In the many hours Jackson has spent in the water with Maya, he’d always imagined how pleased Desi would be when she discovered what they’d been doing. Instead, she looks at him in horror. ‘Oh my God, Jackson.’

‘What?’ he asks in alarm, but she has already run inside. She comes out carrying a slim DVD case.

‘Do you know about this?’

He takes the case and looks at it. ‘The Cove? Yeah, I saw it up in Exmouth a couple of years ago. Don’t watch it unless you have to, Desi, because it’ll really upset you. It’s horrific what those fishermen do to those dolphins.’

Desi’s face has drained of all colour. ‘This’ – she brandishes the case at him – ‘is Kate’s big secret. She’s part of a group trying to stop it. She asked me to help, but I couldn’t. I never thought…’

Jackson is on his feet. ‘Jesus Christ!’

She glares at him. ‘We need to find Maya right now.’