Shallow Breath

43

Desi




Desi is alone when the visitor first arrives. The sun has barely peeped over the horizon, and Maya is still asleep as Desi wanders down to the water. She likes to swim early whenever she can, while the day is at peace with itself and there’s time enough for solitude.

The world is already a few weeks into the new millennium, and, despite all the hype, absolutely nothing has changed. The papers still recycle the same stories, made into news by fresh names and places. And Desi continues to meander despondently through her days, working two part-time jobs at the cafe and the petrol station, and looking after Maya. She does all she can to be a responsible parent and citizen, but it often feels as though she is living someone else’s life. Only when she’s in the ocean can she still recognise herself, once her surroundings drop away and all that remains are the complementary rhythms of limbs and lungs.

Today, as always, it takes her a moment to adjust to the shock of cold water, but before long it is revitalising. She powers through her morning swim, staying parallel to the coastline. The swell cushions her, relieving a weight that seems increasingly more than physical.

Maya is seven years old, and full of questions about the world that Desi can’t answer, but the hardest by far are those concerning Connor. Desi can tell Maya is eager for a fairy story, but, as time has passed, her memories have begun to slip and wear. Despite Connor’s promises, he had never called once he was in America. Was it his death that had killed their love affair, or had it been over for him already? Although Desi had posted a few baby photographs to Half Moon Bay, she had heard nothing from his family since they sent her the money. Their silence seems to lend weight to her only ever having been a bit player in Connor’s life.

While she struggles to keep her doubts at bay, they have slowly taken on a darker, more amorphous form. As a result, her answers to Maya seem tainted by suspicion. She has put away the necklace. She has stopped turning the pages of Connor’s log book, knowing there is nothing new to find. And, unintentionally, she has begun to brush off Maya’s questions.

As she swims, she turns her head with each stroke, her view flicking between solid shore and shifting sea. Why can’t she put her uncertainties aside, she berates herself, and tell Maya what she longs to hear? What did it matter now whether it was the truth? Damn you, Connor, she thinks, for waltzing in and out of my life, sending me permanently spinning. Damn you for dying, and leaving me lost in this struggle.

Anger drives her on for a few extra laps, but she knows Maya will be waking soon. She is panting hard by the time she finds her footing, and pauses reluctantly for a few moments before she begins to wade to shore.



The silence is broken abruptly by a long, familiar sigh. As she swings around, she sees a dolphin bobbing close by, facing her. He gives another protracted puff of air as, astonished, she walks into the water again. When she gets nearer, he stays close but begins to circle, and she hears him making a few short clicks as he loiters. For a moment he sticks his face above water, and they contemplate each other briefly before he ducks beneath the surface.

‘Hello there,’ Desi says in delight, ‘and who are you?’

From a distance his skin had appeared smooth, but now she is close enough to notice the scars. Jagged lines, a few rake marks and teeth marks, and a faint stripe running down his dorsal fin. She begins to swim slowly into deeper water, and the dolphin moves in tandem, then charges forward. At first she thinks that’s it, as she watches him head out to the open ocean, but he suddenly turns and comes close again, then swings round and races off, as though trying to lead her somewhere. When she doesn’t follow, eventually he seems to lose interest, moving further and further away.

She is exhilarated. She understands that the event is probably a one-off, but it lifts her for the rest of the day, and the next morning she is up extra early, hoping he will appear again. Sure enough, halfway through her swim, she hears a tired pfffff right next to her, and sees the arch of the dolphin’s back as he comes up for air then disappears. And that’s it – this time the encounter has ended before it’s begun.

For the next few days, she doesn’t see the dolphin at all. But she hurries down to the beach every morning, and finds she can’t lose herself as easily in her routine. An air of expectancy now underlies each moment in the water. When Jackson next stays over to take care of Maya, so that Desi can work a late shift at the petrol station, she debates whether to let them in on her secret.



But the following morning, she doesn’t have to. She immediately knows the dolphin is there when she hears Jackson’s voice echoing from the verandah. ‘What’s that?’

Desi jumps out of bed and hurries to join him. Sure enough, a sleek grey shape is cruising the shallows. ‘Looks like my friend is here,’ she says. ‘He’s joined me for a swim a few times lately.’

Jackson gives a whoop of enthusiasm. ‘Awesome!’ He runs into the dim interior of the house, and she hears him calling, ‘Come on, Maya, there’s a dolphin at the beach. Let’s go!’ He is back a moment later with his board shorts on, taking the steps two at a time. Before Desi goes to grab her own gear, she calls after him, ‘Don’t try to touch him. Just let him swim with you if he wants to.’

By the time Desi gets down to the water, Jackson is diving underneath the breakers, and the dolphin seems excited by this new, confident human. He chases Jackson fast through the shallows, flying by them both a few times, once Desi has caught up. Each time Jackson prepares to dive, the dolphin comes up for air and follows him in fluid movements. ‘I wish I had a mask,’ Jackson says as he catches his breath. ‘I know he’s close when I duck down.’

Desi turns to find Maya standing uncertainly in the shallows. ‘Come on,’ she says, beckoning her in. And as Maya gets deep enough to lift her feet and swim, the dolphin jumps clear in front of her. For a moment they can see him in his entirety, his fluid body glistening silver in the early morning sun as he smiles enigmatically at them. They are still exclaiming over him when they realise this was the finale, and the animal has disappeared.

After waiting for a while, they all stagger onto the sand. Desi watches the others grabbing their towels, unable to believe how grown-up they are getting. Jackson is fifteen, and his shoulders have broadened already, while Maya is all skinny arms and legs and a tiny waist. Maya begins to rub her hair dry. ‘I can’t believe we’ve got a pet dolphin,’ she says, as she stares out to sea.

‘Listen, you guys, I don’t think we should tell anyone about him,’ Desi says suddenly.

Jackson frowns. ‘Why?’

Desi thinks about Mila, Rajah and Echo. It had been confirmed that they were poisoned, but the culprits had never been caught, and the reasons remained a mystery. Connor’s voice echoes in her mind. Out of all the studies of dolphins who have had close contact with humans, it is astonishing how often it ends badly for the dolphin. And she recalls that faint white stripe running vertically down the mystery dolphin’s fin. She knows the Atlantis dolphins were branded before they were released. She cannot be sure, but she vaguely recognises other markings too, and this dolphin seems very accustomed to human company. Could it possibly be Frodo?

She doesn’t mention her suspicions. Instead, she says, ‘We might not be able to keep it to ourselves – it’ll depend where else he’s visiting. But trust me, the less people who know, the better. Remember what happened to those dolphins at Hillarys?’

Jackson sits on the sand and shrugs. ‘Cool, a secret pet dolphin,’ he says, and Maya giggles.

As they return to the shack, Maya asks, ‘What shall we call him?’

‘Good question,’ Desi says thoughtfully. ‘He’s obviously pretty smart, and he’s definitely got a sense of humour – what name would suit him, do you think?’

‘How about Yoda?’ Jackson says immediately. ‘What?’ he frowns as Maya and Desi both laugh. ‘Okay, then, what did they call those dolphins up in Monkey Mia? Holey Fin, wasn’t it?’



Desi smiles. ‘And Nicky, and Surprise, and Puck, and Joy, to name a few.’

‘For the most part, all we see is his fin,’ Jackson says thoughtfully. ‘How about Finley?’

‘Finley?’ Desi smiles. ‘I like it. But don’t get your hopes up. He might not come back.’




But all through the rest of the summer and into autumn, Finley visits the shoreline in front of the shack. And soon it’s impossible to keep the secret from spreading a little further. Hester is curious as to why Jackson seems to want to move in with Desi. Pete finds out for himself when Finley appears after one of his overnight stays. And Maya lets it slip to Rebecca and Theo. But whoever is brought into the secret agrees it should be kept, and the following few months are some of the happiest Desi has experienced for a long time. When there are others in the house, it is a race to see who can get down to the water earliest, and often Desi is woken by someone shouting ‘He’s here!’ from the verandah. And sometimes she is alone when the water breaks beside her, and a small, scarred fin appears. She always has goggles now, so she can peer into the shallows and greet her friend eye to eye. The dolphin might slow down to appraise her, but he is never still. Yet every time he is close he seems able to transmit a deep, abiding calm that sends Desi floating contentedly through the rest of her day. Possibilities open up in front of her. Perhaps she will finally look into further education. She can hear Connor’s voice encouraging her. How did she ever doubt him? She hunts out the pearl necklace and puts it back on.





It is a still, balmy evening in late autumn when Desi hears footsteps racing down the track towards the house. Pete is with her too; they have been talking and drinking wine on the verandah. As the sound gets closer, they glance at one another, uncertain.

Marie suddenly looms from the darkness, a dishevelled spectre. The whites of her eyes blaze terrified from within thick, streaked dark circles where her make-up has bled. ‘Help me!’ she screams, terror roughening her voice. ‘He’s going to kill me this time.’

Pete moves towards Marie, shouting over his shoulder, ‘Desi, call the police!’ Desi runs into the house and grabs the phone, her hands shaking. She speaks breathlessly as Maya appears in the doorway, questions puckering her lips. By the time Desi has finished, Pete has brought Marie into the house and wrapped a blanket around her. He pours her a wine and says, ‘Drink this, it will help.’ But Marie is trembling so hard that the liquid sloshes over the sides, and Pete takes it from her and puts it down.

Pete sees Maya and goes over to usher her back to bed. Meanwhile, Desi puts her hand on Marie’s arm, notices her flinch. ‘What happened?’

‘He’s a sadistic bastard,’ Marie says, her teeth chattering. ‘I’ve been saving money, so I can leave. It was hidden in a pillowcase in the deepest part of my closet. He must have been spying on me – there’s no way he would have found it otherwise. I’ve seen him in rages for thirty years, but never anything like this. I only managed to get away because he’s so blinding drunk that I slipped from his grip, and he fell over trying to chase me.’ She begins to sob, and her voice moves up an octave. ‘But I can’t go back, and I have no money …’



‘You can stay here,’ Desi says immediately.

Marie’s face is stricken. ‘I’d love to, Desi, but do you know how much trouble I would bring to your door? I have to get right away. If I’m close enough for Rick to find me and make my life hell, then he will. Rebecca has offered to have me many times, but I won’t go there for the same reason.’

Pete has returned to join them. ‘Where were you planning to go when you had enough money?’ he asks.

‘I have a cousin in Sydney,’ Marie replies. ‘She’ll let me stay while I get on my feet.’

‘Perfect. I’ll pay for you to leave straight away.’

Marie stares at him. ‘I couldn’t take your money, Pete.’

Pete grabs hold of her hand. ‘You’ll take it, Marie. No arguments.’

Marie considers him for a long moment, then nods. ‘Thank you.’ She begins to cry again, but stills as they all hear the low rumble of an engine outside, and the crackle of tyres.

Desi goes to the window. ‘Is it the police?’ Pete asks.

Her heart is thundering. ‘No, it’s Rick.’

As she watches, Rick climbs out of the car and looks towards the shack. Even in the dim light, Desi can see the wild glaze in his eyes. Just as his vision fixes on her, she closes the curtains and checks the lock. Then she backs away from the window.

Pete flicks the light off and moves to one side of the verandah door. He glances at Desi and Marie, who have their arms around each other, and puts a finger to his lips.

They all jump as a fist slams onto the glass. ‘Marie,’ Rick growls. ‘I know you’re in there.’ He pauses. ‘Come out, Marie,’ he warns in a horrible, raspy singsong, ‘or I’ll break this window and come in and get you.’

Desi feels Marie go rigid, as Pete steps forward and moves the curtain across slightly. ‘We’ve called the police!’ he shouts. ‘Go home, Rick.’

Desi watches Pete facing down a man twice the size of him, and thanks God that he is here tonight. She shudders to think what might have happened otherwise.

Rick has cupped his hands around his eyes so he can peer in, and he fixes on Desi and Marie, still clutching one another in the gloom. ‘You’ll keep,’ he snarls, and they hear him move off. Moments later, his ute drives slowly away.




The police come to take statements, and, even though Marie doesn’t want to press charges, they promise to visit Rick with a warning. Although exhausted, Desi barely sleeps that night, and is grateful when light begins to filter through the windows and it’s time to swim.

As she passes the spare room, she sees Marie curled tightly into herself. She tiptoes past Pete’s still form on the sofa, and goes out onto the verandah. Her heart swells as she sees the familiar silver-grey silhouette cruising slowly ten metres out.

She hesitates, then walks back through and puts a gentle hand on Marie’s shoulder. ‘Marie,’ she whispers, ‘are you awake?’

Marie rolls over, her eyes red and tired, looking uncertainly at Desi.

‘Can you come with me for a moment? There’s something I want you to see.’

Marie sits up wordlessly and lets Desi take her hand. They move to the verandah. ‘There.’ Desi points across to where Finley is gliding beyond the breakers. ‘Come on.’

Marie follows Desi to the beach. At the shoreline, Desi wades in and turns round. ‘Come on, come and say hello.’



Marie points to the pair of pyjamas that Desi has lent her, wrapping her arms round herself. ‘No, it’s okay, I’ll watch from here.’

Desi moves towards her and offers a hand. ‘Marie, come. The pyjamas will wash. I promise it’s okay.’

Marie sighs, and steps in up to her knees. Desi can see how tense and stiff she is, and debates how far to push her. Finley might help her to forget her troubles for a little while, but it’s not Desi’s place to insist.

As she pauses, to her surprise Finley glides into the shallows and rolls on his side right in front of Marie. As he waits there, Marie looks to Desi for direction.

‘I think he’s letting you stroke him,’ Desi laughs.

Hesitantly, Marie brushes her fingers across his lightly speckled belly. Immediately, he swims away, but returns to Marie moments later.

Before long, Marie is thigh deep in the water, as Finley continually allows himself to be petted before moving away and back, rolling on his side, one small eye regarding Marie unabashed. Pete and Maya join them in the water, but this time Finley pays no attention to anyone else. Everyone is entranced, watching the creature circle round again and again to Marie, and Marie’s fingers gently stroking his silken skin each time he hovers in front of her. Time pauses, trapped in the same spell as the rest of them, and when Finley finally decides to swim away the sun is high enough to have shrunk the shadows near to nothing.

When Marie gets on to the beach, she sits on the sand and stares out at the ocean. Desi sees a few teardrops escape down her face. ‘Happy tears,’ she says quickly when she notices Desi watching. ‘Happy, happy tears.’

Pete comes to join them. ‘I think we should get ready to go now, Marie.’



They head up to the shack, and Desi lends Marie some more clothes. By this time, they hope, Rick will be far away on the boat. Just in case, Pete will accompany Marie to her house to collect her purse and pack her bags.

As Marie turns to Desi, her eyes are lit with a new fire.

‘I see Finley worked his magic on you,’ Desi smiles.

Marie brushes her cheek. ‘Thank you for everything,’ she says. ‘Look out for my Rebecca for me.’ And then she is gone.




For a while, Pete stays at the shack as often as he can, in case Rick turns up again once he discovers Marie has left for good. But as the weeks go by and nothing happens, they slowly relax, and life settles into a steady routine. Finley continues to visit regularly, although Desi still catches herself thinking of him as Frodo. On the days he waits close to shore, she is uplifted. On the mornings he doesn’t come, his absence permeates the tedious hours of work and chores. If he is away for a few days in a row, she finds herself growing tense as she awaits his return, praying he is still safe. But, she reassures herself, if it really is Frodo, he has survived eight years in the wild already. He is a veteran of the open ocean now.

The phase of life that began with one unexpected visitor ends with another. By the time her father parks his ute in the driveway, Finley hasn’t been seen for over a week, and she has felt edgy the whole time. Hester and Jackson had stayed a few days earlier, and she had noticed the same tension in them, as they all scanned the empty ocean in the morning.

As Charlie gets out of the vehicle, Desi waits warily on the verandah steps. She has barely spoken to him since she moved away from Lovelock Bay, and he has hardly seen Maya. She observes his solemn demeanour, and briefly imagines he might have come to call a truce, but as he speaks the words take the balance from her, make her grab onto the banister for support.

‘You need to get to the hospital.’ His voice is grim. ‘Your mother’s in a bad way. She’s had a stroke.’