Shallow Breath

42

Rebecca




As Desi stands at her door, Rebecca hesitates. She has known this moment would arrive sooner or later. In imaginary rehearsals, she had anticipated how angry she would be, but the reality is different. She is oddly calm.

Desi, on the other hand, is visibly quaking. ‘I’ve come to apologise. But if you would like me to leave, I’ll go.’

Despite the youthful combination of faded shirt and jeans, even from this distance Rebecca can see the tired lines on her old friend’s face. In the short time they have been estranged, Desi has turned middle-aged. Rebecca wonders if the last few difficult years since the accident have had a similar effect on her.

Their friendship has always been punctuated by absences. Only once Caitlin had arrived, and Marie had left, had they seen one another regularly again. Yet, after Desi had gone to prison, Rebecca had realised what a surface closeness it was – keeping up appearances so the girls would each have a pretend sibling. Now she will admit that, when she and Desi were alone in a room, despite their common ground – their history, their daughters, their passion for animals – there were often gaps in the conversation while they struggled to find something to talk about.

For a long time it had been easy to put that aside, not to worry about it too much. Until fifteen months ago, when Desi was sentenced, almost a year after the accident, and Rebecca began to reflect. Then she was hit by something so blindingly obvious that she could still recall the sting of it as physical pain.

It had never been that Desi and Rebecca had too little to say to one another; it was that too much had been left to fester unsaid. Perhaps if she had realised that sooner, she could have saved them all.

‘It’s okay, you can come in.’ She leads Desi to the kitchen, glad that Theo and Caitlin are out. She goes to the fridge and pours out two glasses of water, puts them on the table and sits down.

Desi has been examining her fingers closely, but she looks up when she realises she has Rebecca’s attention.

‘I will never forgive myself for what happened, Rebecca. It was a moment of utter madness. I don’t expect you to forgive me either, and I realise I can’t rewind the clock and made amends. But if there’s anything I can do from now on, I will.’

As Rebecca watches Desi’s tortured face, an unexpected apathy comes over her. She sighs. ‘I’ve spent so long being angry, anticipating what I’d say to you when I had the chance … but now you’re here, I feel sorry for you.’ She watches Desi hang her head. ‘I saw Maya the other day, for the first time since … since that awful day … and it made me realise how much both girls have been the victims in this.’

Desi puts a hand over her eyes. ‘I know.’

‘I accept your apology, Desi, but…’ – she pauses, watching Desi closely – ‘before I can forgive you, I want to know what really happened. Do you remember now?’

‘Yes.’ Desi catches her eye, hesitates. ‘How is Rick nowadays?’

‘He’s dying,’ Rebecca says matter-of-factly.

‘I’m sorry.’

Rebecca shrugs. ‘We both know that it will be a relief. I’m just trying to hang in there, until the end. But I still need to know, why did you want to hurt him so badly that day?’

And, finally, Desi sits back in her chair and explains everything.




After Desi has gone, Rebecca grabs her keys and drives to Rick’s. She is vaguely aware that this isn’t a good idea. That she should let her mind settle before seeing her father. She is shaken with this new knowledge, and the realisation of the part she has unwittingly played in all that has happened.

As soon as she gets into the house, Rick’s antipathy sours the atmosphere. When she walks into the lounge, he is slouched in his chair, glaring at her.

‘I can’t find my tablets.’

She stands at a distance, her hands on her hips, trying to get the measure of him – how this shambling, broken-down man could have been responsible for so much suffering and sorrow. ‘Okay, we’ll look for them.’

‘Just tell me where you put them, you silly cow. Do you do it deliberately so I have to ask? It wouldn’t surprise me one bit.’ He tries to get up but sways and grabs hold of the side of the armchair, hovering there unsteadily.

Rebecca watches him in silence with her arms folded. She doubts he could keep standing if he took one hand off the chair. He attempts to lift up the cushion of his seat to check beneath it, but he’s too weak. She goes across and sees the tablets half-hidden down the side, pulls them out and gives them to him. She feels no triumph today at showing him who’s in control, only disdain.

He sits down again with a thump as she holds the packet out to him. Instead of taking them, his clammy hand locks tight around her wrist. ‘Next time, don’t play games with me,’ he spits, leaning forward in his chair.

Rebecca waits until he stops moving before she pulls her hand away and shakes it out, testing her fingers. Finally, she squats down next to him, making sure his eyes are on hers. She musters every bit of contempt for him she has, and thinks she sees a flicker of unease in his bloodshot eyes.

‘I finally understand why Desi wanted to hit you with her car that day,’ she says softly. ‘And to tell you the truth, Dad, I’m only sorry she missed.’