Shallow Breath

45

Desi




It is one of the hottest summer mornings in 2010. Desi has finished her swim and is lying on the beach, staring up at the clear sky, recovering her breathing. For years now, she has begun her day in the water. It is a ritual to break the monotony of a life filled with tasks that half-interest her, and, lately, a salve for her acute sense of loneliness.

It has been many years since Finley last appeared, but, even now, every time she gets into the ocean she cannot help anticipating that today she might hear a sudden puff of air and spot a sleek silver outline gliding next to her. And each day she resurfaces with a vague sense of disappointment.

But the dolphin is not the only cause of her melancholy. No matter what she does, she cannot seem to summon up the impetus to radically change her life. The safety of the familiar, however unrewarding, has become easier.

Those closest to her all seem to be moving forward. Maya is busy with friends and her burgeoning social life. Jackson is in Exmouth for a few months of each year. Pete has been promoted and is working long hours on new projects at the zoo. Rebecca is still happily married to Theo, and Marie is settled in Sydney.

Until Hester died, Desi had thought there was only one kind of grief. But now she realises it is as individual as the person who is missing. Hester had always seemed so agile that Desi had imagined they would ultimately be two old ladies together. She had witnessed Hester fussing over Charlie for such a long time that it seemed strange to watch Charlie tending to his wife, gently wiping the trails of saliva that leaked from her mouth. Sometimes in the last few months of Hester’s life, Charlie had brought her to the shack for a visit. He would walk on the beach while Desi stayed with her mother on the verandah and read romance novels aloud. Desi kept tissues handy, often needing them to soak up the moisture in Hester’s eyes as they sat outdoors, facing the sea. On other occasions, Desi would drive to Lovelock Bay with a small cage or two on the passenger seat, and a one-winged parrot or baby kangaroo would be placed gently on Hester’s lap, for her to stroke with her functioning right arm.

Hester and Connor have left unbridgeable gaps in Desi’s life. As she thinks of them, she begins to scoop up handfuls of sand absent-mindedly, letting the grains escape between her fingers. She studies the layer that remains stuck to her skin, an abundant palette of browns, reds, oranges and whites. She lets her eyes readjust, and the specks of colour blend until she can only perceive a familiar pale yellow.

It’s time, she says to herself, to stop moping and embrace this quiet life by the ocean, even if it is routine. Even if it doesn’t do much to change the world.

She looks up towards the house and realises that Jackson has parked and is walking towards her. They are spending the day together, and will visit the memorial gardens to mark the ninth anniversary of Hester’s passing. Desi had been upset when Charlie had chosen to bury her ashes, rather than scattering them, thinking her mother would have preferred her final resting place to be either the shack or Lovelock Bay. But she’s come to realise it doesn’t matter. She doesn’t find Hester at the crematorium any more or less than she finds her in the back garden of the shack.

It is the first time Maya has opted out, preferring to attend a friend’s birthday barbecue on the beach. Desi had tried to stifle her sadness when she was told, knowing that Hester would much rather her granddaughter get on with her life than be encouraged to mope around a grave. But still, sometimes it’s hard to watch the world moving on, when it leaves so much of value behind.

She shakes off her melancholy as she jumps to her feet and dusts off her hands. The sand is stuck fast, and she quickly walks to the water and places her palms against the surface, bringing them out clean. Then she hurries across the beach towards Jackson.

‘Sorry, I lost track of time. I’ll get ready quickly, I promise.’




‘Earth to Desi. Earth to Desi.’

The sun casts an unforgiving glare into the passenger side of the car as they drive home, and Desi closes her eyes against it.

‘Lost in thought again?’ Jackson asks.

Desi nods. Her mother’s grave always makes her think about Connor. She still doesn’t know where or if he is buried. It is these kinds of questions that make her consider trying to reach his family again, for Maya’s sake, but so far the resolve has not lasted long enough for her to follow through on it.

Perhaps his family had scattered his ashes in the sea. Perhaps his spirit raced through the ocean next to the dolphins of Half Moon Bay. There was comfort in the thought.

They are almost at the shack, travelling close to the sea wall. She checks the time, reminding herself that Maya needs collecting in half an hour, and looks at the aquamarine water, a few tinges of pink and gold in evidence as the sun softens. ‘I wonder what happened to Finley, the dolphin that used to come in to the shore,’ she says wistfully. ‘That was a wonderful summer, wasn’t it? And we had no idea it would be our last proper time with Mum.’

Jackson doesn’t say anything. They take the track to the shack, and when he pulls up she is astonished to realise he is crying.

‘Jackson? What is it?’

‘I have to tell you something,’ he says. ‘I can’t keep it to myself any longer. It was a few days before Mum had her stroke.’ He covers his eyes with his hands. ‘I’d got up extra early, to see if Finley was waiting. And he was there’ – he pauses, turns to her – ‘but so was Rick Carlisle’s boat. I was watching from the verandah as the boat got closer and closer. Finley swam across to it, as though to say hello.’

‘Don’t say it.’ Desi can already feel her heart breaking. She doesn’t want to hear any more.

‘First he rammed a long stick into the water. Finley disappeared but bobbed up again. And Rick ran right over him, Des. The water around him turned red, and I watched him thrashing. Rick went back and forth a few times like he was making sure. Then he just motored away.’

Desi’s body has gone cold. ‘I don’t understand …’ she says slowly. ‘Why … why …?’



But she remembers a lifetime of encounters with Rick. She sees him in her bedroom at Lovelock Bay. ‘Be very, very careful, Desi.’ She sees him glaring through the glass door. ‘You’ll keep.’

‘I was distraught,’ Jackson continues. ‘And when I turned round, Mum was standing there, sobbing. She had seen it all too.’ He takes a deep, shuddering breath. ‘She made me promise not to tell you, Des. She said you’d already had your heart broken enough. I went down to the water, but there was no sign of Finley. We managed to hold it together that morning, but after we left Mum was inconsolable. She had her stroke a few days later. I’ve never been able to separate the two things in my mind.’

Desi opens the car door and almost falls out, gasping for air. Jackson follows her and she waves him away. ‘I need to be on my own, Jackson. I’ll see you later, okay? Please, just go.’

‘Desi, I’m so sorry … I wanted to tell you the truth …’

‘Jackson, GO!’ she screams.

His face ashen, he gets into the car again and drives away.

Desi stumbles towards the beach, blinded by horror. She falls to the sand, imagining the scene as Jackson has told it. She pictures her mother’s semi-paralysed features, staring towards the empty ocean each time they wheeled her chair onto the verandah, her eyes watering. Rick had killed out of hatred; Hester had endured the knowledge of it alone for love.

Anger crashes over her, tumbling her helplessly into its dark, merciless depths. She has witnessed the extent of Rick’s enmity her whole life, and he has got away with everything. Not any more. Her mind becomes a screeching whine of unbroken white noise as she runs to the shack and collects her car keys.