Reason 24: I can’t lie to you
“Hey, I know you hate the pop in, but—”
I stop Hayley from overanalyzing with a big kiss, ‘cause really, ever since Quynn left it’s all I’ve wanted to do.
“Whoa,” she says, pushing back from me and turnin’ red, “does this mean you’re okay with me just coming over without calling?”
I smile and pull her inside. “I’ll make an exception for you.”
She folds her arms. “Oh no.”
“What?”
“You’re turning into a very cheesy sappy lovesick boy.” She reaches up to feel my forehead. “What have I done?”
I knock her hand off, but keep her in my hold. “No cheesy stuff, huh? How about I just take you downstairs, and we’ll do it.”
She laughs. “There’s the boy I knew was in there.”
“Is that a yes?”
She shakes her head and plops on the couch. “I actually have a favor to ask.”
I almost spout off an ‘Anything for you’, but the cheesy comment stops my mouth. Moving her legs off the end of the couch, I sit next to her, clasping my hand with hers.
“Okay, I know it’s uber lame, but my friends, like, they all want to go on this big group date thing. I guess now that I have a boyfriend…” She flicks her eyes to meet mine, and I smile. Hell yeah, I’m her boyfriend. “They want me to come along. Well… us to come along.”
“Sure. When?”
“That’s the thing,” she says, leaning her head against my shoulder, “I know we had plans tonight already, and I’m not sure what you had in store for me, but they wanted to meet up later. Can we fit that in?”
It’s as if everythin’ freezes right there, and I’m faced with the stupid choice again. Quynn or Hayles. I always choose Hayles, but then end up feelin’ guilty as crap over ditchin’ Quynn. And I’d be doin’ it to her twice. I should’ve told her everythin’ about me and Hayles. I should’ve said it as easily as Hayley just said it. I’m her boyfriend. She’s my girlfriend.
Brody, you’re a stupid ass.
“Hayley?”
“Uh oh.” She sits up and looks me in the face. “Something’s wrong. Spill.”
I don’t lie to Hayley. I can’t. “Okay, don’t be mad though.”
There goes the cute eyebrow crinkle.
“Quynn came over earlier and asked if I’d go to Jamie’s party tonight.”
“Okay…”
“Well, I kind of ditched her last night, so I felt bad and I told her I’d go.”
Her eyebrows go from crinkle to sky high. “You had a date with Quynn last night?”
“No!” I shift on the couch and grab her face, but she wiggles out from my hold. “Seriously, Hayles, it wasn’t like that. I actually drove by your house to see if you would go with me.”
She still doesn’t relax. “Did you tell her?”
“What?”
“About us. That we’re together.”
I drop my eyes and shake my head, fingering the tatt on my wrist. “I… I tried.”
Silence. Like too long silence. She stands up, pulling the sleeves down on her hoodie.
“What does it mean?”
Her voice is soft. Not mad, not sad, just passive. And it sucks.
“What does what mean?”
She points at my wrist. “Your tattoo.”
I scratch the back of my neck, wantin’ to close the distance between me and Hayles, but I can’t. Not after this crap.
“You got it for her, didn’t you?”
Again, no anger, no sadness, just a ‘who gives a crap?’ attitude.
“It was a while ago, Hayles. It’s not for her anymore.”
“Then what does it mean?”
I finally unfreeze, close the distance between us and wrap her in my arms. She doesn’t hug me back. “They are symbols of devotion,” I whisper into her hair. “I don’t want to be like my… my real dad. I made a promise I’d never hurt someone like he hurt my mom.”
“Or like your brother hurt Quynn.”
She says it into my chest and tries to pull away. I don’t let her.
“Please, Hayles, I can’t… I just didn’t know how to…”
“You still like her.” She forces herself out of my hold. “I knew you did. And please, don’t be sorry or try to convince me that you don’t. I don’t regret anything we did. You’ve given me a lot, Brody. You’re a good… friend. And that’s all I expected from you.”
“No.” No. No. No. “You’ve got it wrong. I love you.” I see it in her eyes. She’s closin’ off. She’s disappearin’. She’s leavin’. And I can’t stop her. What do I say to stop her? To make her realize? To get her to understand? “Don’t leave. Don’t run away from this.”
Her eyes narrow, and finally some emotion erupts out of her. It’s not a good one, but at least it’s somethin’.
“Stop lying to me! Stop trying to get me to believe you’ve chosen me over her. I’m not the girl guys go after. Especially guys like you. I knew that. I knew it! And I let myself fall for you anyway. I let you convince me you were better than all of them, but you’re not. You’re the same.”
Heat shoots through my chest and I can’t take it anymore. I’m yellin’ back at her as she goes for the door. “It’s not me, Hayles. I’ve been honest. I do love you, but you won’t let me. You’re lookin’ for ways out of this ‘cause it’s easier for you. Closin’ off ‘cause you don’t want to get hurt, but you know, you’re missin’ out on somethin’ real. Me. You. Us. That’s real. Stop blamin’ me, your mom, your weight, or whatever other delusion you have about me and Quynn. You are the one who’s keepin’ us apart. Not me.”
Her eyes are watering, and I want to eat all the words I’ve just said. She sniffles and says between hitched breaths, “I… gave… you… all of me. I let you in.” She sniffs again, opens the door and steps out onto the porch. “And you can’t even tell her you’re with me. You can’t tell anyone about me. I bet your best friend doesn’t even know.” She pauses to wipe more tears from her face. Tears I wish I hadn’t put there. “You can’t let her go.”
It’s quiet between us. I don’t know what to say to make her feel better. Don’t know what she’s thinkin’. She’s right. She knows it. But I’m right too.
Aren’t I?
“I was telling the truth when I said I don’t regret anything between us. You gave me the best few weeks of my life. I’m glad you were my first… everything.”
She’s sayin’ goodbye. No. No. No.
“Hayley, don’t—”
“You deserve someone who you can brag about to your friends. Someone who’s not embarrassing to be with. Someone who you want to shout out to the world you love them.” She gulps. “It’s just not me.”
Before I can argue, before I can do anythin’, she turns and leaves, huddling into the hoodie I gave her last night.
I should chase after her. That’s what they want, right? Girls always want the guy to chase them down and beg and plead to take them back.
Instead I fall on the porch steps, bury my face, and let go of the first tears I’ve ever cried over a girl.