She finally asked, “What did you say to him?”
“At that time, I said, no. I thought it was way too early. We had just started dating, and it scared me that your brother was so sure about his commitment toward me. To be honest, I doubted his love. I was scared he would one day wake up and decide he didn’t love me anymore—just like what happened with Max.”
“Your insecurities again?”
I nodded yes. “Jane, Max pretty much mauled my heart. It was so damaged. I didn’t think that I would ever recover. Knowing this, caution was my guide. Possibly, a too eager of a guide, for Jake’s liking.”
Every time Jake told me he loved me, I was too frugal with my love. Frustration and hurt must have built up inside of him.
“Anyhow, Max and I visited the Grand Canyon, and kind of got stuck there. He used this time to stun me with a proposal and between the confusion of this proposal, and with Jake questioning me about what had just occurred, the answer that should have been no, never came out. I still haven’t answered him.”
Jane looked at me with sympathetic eyes.
“Jake came at that very moment to the Skywalk to witness Max on his knees proposing to me. He first assumed that something improper happened between Max and me the night before, then he was livid when he saw the proposal. But more than livid, he was hurt when I told him I hadn’t given Max an answer yet. Of course, that’s when he went into shutdown mode and stopped talking to me.” The tears came back like a hurricane. “He left me, Jane. He walked away and never came back. I waited for him for eight hours in the middle of the Skywalk thinking he would return for me. I’m such an idiot, huh? Why am I so na?ve all the time? After a couple of hours, I should have known it was over.” My face fell into my hands and I cried again for a while. The tears wouldn’t abate. “You want to hear what’s even more idiotic? I’ve been texting him every day hoping, believing, trusting his love for me would prove stronger than his anger toward me. He hasn’t responded…not once.”
Jane looked horrified at my confession. “Even still, I miss him so much, Jane. Why was I so stupid and insecure about us? After all those weeks together, I only got up the courage to confess my love to Jake on Christmas day. He was ecstatic when I told him that I loved him.” My own confession tricked me into an aching smile. The image of Jake staring in adoration and amazement at my profession of love brought a split second of happiness.
“To the wrong guy I gave my heart so freely, and yet to the right one, I was so stingy with my heart. What I’d do to talk to him one more time and tell him how I feel.” My tears went everywhere. I had been holding back this dam for too long. It didn’t take much pressure for it to break. Jane rubbed my back with her hands and tried to console me. It was useless. No one could console me.
Finally, I calmed down enough to answer some of Jane’s questions.
“So why could you answer my brother’s proposal but not Max’s proposal? Do you still love Max and my brother?”
I knew the answer to this but wasn’t comfortable admitting this to even myself. Max had been my true love for so long; I didn’t want to erase his place in my heart.
“No. I don’t love Max anymore. I haven’t loved him in a long time. I realized after Jake left me that the way I loved Max was purely platonic. You know, like the love you feel for your family or best friend. I met Max and fell in love with him soon after my mom died. Not having a family, he became my only family for four years. If Max had proposed, I would’ve said yes and we would be living a happy life right now, I’m sure. But he didn’t, and I let go of the physical love a long time ago. Only, I just couldn’t let go of the bond that existed between us. However, I only love him like family—no more, no less. And I now understand it’s not wrong for me to love him this way. He was my best friend, and in many ways, he still holds a dear place in my heart. That will never change.”
It felt good to say this to someone. The truth finally came out.
“That’s how I feel about you too. I love you like a sister.” Jane hugged me in response to those words.
“Does this make any sense, Jane, or have I gone crazy?”
“I’m still a bit fuzzy on why you couldn’t answer Max right away.”
“In all honesty, there just wasn’t a chance to say no. It all happened so fast. Max proposed; I got angry at him for doing this two years too late; your brother came and pulled me away; we got into an argument; and next thing I knew, I was alone.”